Am I wasting away?....

First an explanation of these photos.  They are of a collection of tumors that are kinda growing out of control on my back.   (in vital organs, in between rib bones, lungs; what ever! = I'm still alive as of this very moment; = right?  Rather than scaring the living crap out of me; I've accepted them and called them my "left wing".  As all of you probably know, I am a very, very proud left handed Gemini! just like Angelina Jolie, I too have my Sagittarius man who makes me so very happy!   Sadly, I do know that it was Ovarian Cancer that took her dear mother Marcheline.  Oh and they also got to have all the kids my honey and I couldn't have!)

My sweet darling balances me, he brings me back to earth & of course reality, makes me laugh my ass off, cheers me up, does awesome great things and favors for me; and genuinely makes life for me; all the more enjoyable that it could ever be!  I am so thankful to have met him in my lifetime; (I only wished I had met him many years sooner!) he really is my soul mate and if there is one accomplishment in this lifetime is that I found him!   Many live their entire lives and they never ever get to meet theirs; or have and just never knew it.  I'm so incredibly lucky!)

Anyway, (back to these silly photos) I have accepted my left "Angel" wing.  Technically, I guess many would call me a "Left wing nut job".  Since I love everyone and am all and for "World Peace"; I just want everyone to just get along, do your share of the work (to make this world a better place for all; not just YOURSELF! Don't be so dog gone greedy!  WTF?, "share the world!" with everyone else here,  DO have a sense of humor and don't take things so damn seriously!  You are going to have a heart attack, die of some sort of stress disorder, become miserable with your life and therefore you can't make room for more love in your heart!  

       Love really does improve quality of life.   I can't say that enough but it really does.  Would I rather spend my lasting days on this world being angry at others, joining a stupid tea party; (sorry if some of you happen to be a part of this party= but it's mostly just a complain and bitch fest) Don't get me wrong, I love tea, but I'm not at all about their anger , racism, or greed.  I  have read some very interesting articles about a majority of them who want our current president and his policies to fail and to me that is very anti-American.  I mean they may not like the president (I was not at all crazy about the last one) but I never wanted our country to get as bad as it is right now; I would have never wanted our country to fail?   Why would anyone want our country to fail?   You hope things get worse for our people?   That to me is bitter with greed?   I would never want to spend one moment as angry as they are?  And about what?  There are better ways to make things better in this world; don't ever wish for our failure.   That's just one of my rules?  I would much rather look at the good in this world that is working and try to fix what is broken;, not to wish it get more broken? What good does that do for most of us?  rather than  to complain and stress everyone else out? We really could choose to  ALL work together, compromise, get along,  and most of all FIX things that are broken!).   Complainers always bum me out,  they are never fun or even pleasant to be around. 

 Everyday that I wake up really is a pure blessing as I am  finding out more and more as each day is turning into weeks and then months since I was told that the end would come soon for me.  I have had lots of warnings about what that might be like from my social worker, my home health nurse and now my hospice nurse; oh and my oncologist, my honey also reminds me now.  I know they all feel for me as I can't help but notice that many look at me as if I'm going to be dead soon and they know it.

OK, my tummy isn't working all that well, but I am still thankful that I can still walk around.   See,  I'm focusing more so on what my poor little body can do than what it can't.   Sure I wished so much I could eat a meal and could gain 50 to 60 more poundage; but I can't.   I'm very thankful for  the few things it can do and of course the number 1 thing I am always thankful for is my honey.

Now back to my left "angel" wing photos,  If you look hard enough, on the left side of my tattoo, you can actually see the wire from the hockey puck thing (pain pump).   That OK, it kind of resembles a huge can of Skoal inside my skin!) LOL  very fascinating, huh?  But you can also spot very clearly what looks like a Left Angel wing is forming?   I guess that's just my very optimistic look at something that is actually very grim. 

Now if you ever feel sorry for yourself, feel free to check out my photos and be thankful again for your life and all that you treasure.  We all loose things in this life and money isn't everything;; really seriously think about all the things you can carry with you on this journey and what is most important.  It's good memories, not objects.  We all need to learn this.  Sometimes we have to sacrifice in order for things to get better.

As for this journey of mine, they (social workers, nurses, doctors, health care workers) have all told me since I started my hospice care that I would start to notice my body shutting down.  The last couple of days we have seen some really rapid changes in me from my weight to much extra skin and no muscle tone?  Where did all my muscles go?   I am starting to look like this skeleton with skin on it?  I used to be so muscular, strong, and so very athletic; now I can't really lift much and have officially hit the double digits as far as my weight is concerned (98lbs).   I was thinking that I might survive into next year but now it's seeming like Christmas might just be a  real miracle for me.

My husband has noticed this most in the last 2 days.  It hurts to feel that and now seeing it in my husband's eyes as he is my one and only key to the real world.   I trust him more than anyone.  He would never lie to me and I know it.  We both have noticed that the last couple of days; I've continued vomiting and vomiting despite taking this intravenous form of Zofran (which helps some in preventing vomiting).   The vomiting is causing me to become more and more dehydrated which may be draining out my muscles?  Hopefully my organs are still kinda sorta working; I still have lots of hope.  Always have.

I just found that my vaporizer is really helpful (a strain called "Pineapple Express") for my nausea.  I am starting to eat less and less but anything that goes down my throat will most often end up back up my throat in about 10-15 minutes.   It's so disgusting and I'm getting tired of it.   I would do this for as long as I can; especially for my honey!)  You might be able to see some in these photos of my skinny little shapeless body; now I do look anorexic; but believe me; I am so far from it!  I would give almost anything just to be able to eat a full meal and be able to gain like 50lbs or even 60lbs.   

My honey took me a few days ago to see "Secretariat" and what an amazing movie that was.  Then my sweet next door neighbor found out from my honey about us seeing that movie and had looked up one of Secretariat's daughters "Zenyatta" and what an amazing horse she was.  Only lost 1 race and she was malnourished and about to become dog food and glue when they found her.  Miracles do happen; especially Christmas ones.  I do know there are plenty of younger children in need of miracles and I would rather my Christmas miracle go to one of them; if there is one for me. 

If you are even just a little bit over weight;  please don't beat yourself up about it.  You can always start at this moment in a much better mood; where you can make better choices about what is good for your body.  Our bodies are miracles, we all are and its important to take care of our bodies.  It is a lot like kharma.  What comes around goes around.  If you eat something bad for your it will come back and sometimes it will bite you in the ass; if you know what I mean.    I wished so much that my body worked better, but I'm genuinely happy that I can breath fresh air , I don't need tubes of oxygen just yet and I'm so thankful to be able to utilize my vaporized medicine (oh it smells so goood and even tastes good) and so far it's working great for my nausea.  I haven't puked up my water in over 40 minutes!).    

I still don't get it; how can something so harmless, be so illegal.  I know to some people it is very harmful to them.  I mean its a very scary looking plant! LOL.  I just have not been convinced (I have read all arguments against it)  at all that it's dangerous.   Cops, FEDS, and DEA agents make a harmless plant incredibly dangerous for the rest of us!     No one's ever been killed (by pot or this incredible healing plant); only killed because of its legality from our very own lying greedy government.     Yes, our government lies and it is in need of a serious makeover from all of its dishonesty, scandals, and so much more!   We also know that most of our elected politicians are ruled by money and of course their special interests and are not by representing our true values; we already know they are greedy and corrupt (so why are they still in office?=because of money and greed!).  The good news is that we could fix our very broken and lying government; but it will take some serious work.   They really do need to prioritize the real dangers in our country and so far between pot smokers and sex offenders; I mean really, would you rather live next to a stoner or a sex offender?   Too many lives have been ruined because of these horrid drug laws.  At least lately, it seems that sex offenders tend to get lighter sentences than non-violent drug offenders?  Why is that?

Approximately 1.5 million people are arrested each year for drug law violations - 40% of them are just for marijuana possession.   Many are suffering from cancer, AIDS and other debilitating illnesses and are regularly denied access to their medicine or even arrested and prosecuted for using medical marijuana. I do know that we can do so much better than this.  How can a person of the law sleep at night when they violate someone's rights over a law that is so wrong and based solely on greed?

Anyway, I thought this video was very important as it does show us how wrong we are in continuing to fund this dangerous and out of control war against our citizens.  There are better ways to fix the problem of drugs than taking life, liberty and trust from many of us.  

  Yes, somethings will always bother me and I only hope that one day it will get fixed and we all will be able to live better quality lives.   Anyway this photo of my legs doesn't show much but there is lots of extra skin on my skeleton; I don't even see my muscle mass anymore which is scary.  I do know I am going to enjoy every moment that  I can.  I am also feeling that cut up pain after I had had my stomach surgeries; it just feels painful and despite taking methadone (2.5mls) twice a day (every 12 hours) I still feel the pain sometimes; although the Vaporizer really helped with that pain! Wow!  I have to use what works for me and right now it's Cannabis.  I do know there are so many people out there who have yet to pull their heads out of the ground yet, but yes it really does work for me.  It's only certain strains; I have tried some cannabis that didn't work, but out of 8 strains I have tried lately, I have found 2 that do work well for this kind of pain.

Much Love and Prayers to Elizabeth Edward's Family (she really is a lovely lady both inside and out!); her family will be celebrating many great memories of her this Christmas.   Her funeral was today.   She really was a very beautiful woman both inside and out and especially a very tough lady to have handled so many years of maintenance chemo!  wow! It's just another stark reminder that a cure to this horrible disease should be on the way.   I hope and pray 2011 is the year!) 

I often wonder about maintenance chemo as it had been introduced to me originally (4 years ago); she was only taken off of chemo just the day before she passed away?  I wonder how long she had been on maintenance, did she get some extended breaks as I did?  I do know that some women just go right out and just go for many months and years with chemo?   That is pretty hardcore.  My body didn't react as well for a very long stint on chemo.  We had to take breaks and boy did I love those breaks!)    That was what was so shocking to me about her death.  I kind of feel that she was cheated out of more time.  It just made me so much more thankful that I have not always been on the chemo for most of the time and that I didn't have to go through what she must have gone through.  Her health had to have deteriorated pretty fast for them to remove her from chemo and then for her to die only the following day?  She didn't even get a chance to go onto hospice care and enjoy some final days?  I do wonder if the chemo killed her more so than the cancer? More research for my hard headed soul....

Anyway, I do wish all of you much Peace and Love and that this Christmas is the best ever!  No, better yet! I hope your Christmas' keep getting better and better!)  Be thankful for family, friends, and all loved ones!  It's not all about material possessions; it's about Peace and Love!)

Little UPDATE:  My honey just took this amazing photo of me doing some yoga stretches; I'm moving so much slower than normal but I'm still trying to fight to live.  Perhaps some good movement might just get my blood flowing and hopefully make some intestinal track do something useful beside just sit there so painfully?  Oh  and check out this little partner in crime; oh I have many more out there!)    I love the colors (honey you rock as always!)  and it almost looks like a painting to me!   More Peace and Love to all of you!  I know we all need it!)

"Wide Side in Overtime!" - Yeah Sharks!))) = They beat Chicago!)