WARNING: Some of the Content here may be Objectionable to some. I have this blog labeled as "Adult Only" as a common courtesy for those who may easily be offended by Adult topics such as the Truth, Down to Earth topics, realities of living with Ovarian Cancer and/or any life threatening disease that goes along with it; Sexuality, Medicinal Cannabis, Profanity, and of course plenty of unpleasant body functions are also discussed here. This is a very tough battle for which I don't intend to hold anything back on what I am facing.

This blog is very personal and comes from the heart of a real fighting cancer patient who wishes nothing more than to live for all of those I love my own will to live, and my love of life. While sometimes I might be on heavy medication (prescribed by my doctor) and occasionally I might write about things or subjects that one may never even think about or consider; so please consider that as well. Yes; whacked out things might even be found here; but I mean everything in all good intentions.

This blog is not at all intended for the faint hearted, those who lack a sense of humor, have no idea what down to earth means, greedy mean people, and/or those who don't know how to share the world with others, and especially those who are unable to easily put themselves into the shoes of others. This blog is mostly about my journey of living my life in the best ways that I can under the Golden Rule and appreciating all of the GOOD KHARMA that comes my way! Never take anything in this world for granted; especially family and friends!

Friday, January 28, 2011

Grateful for more years spent with my love ones....

My apologies for taking so long to write another post and to be quite honest; I've just been resting a whole lot more lately.  My body is starting to get weaker and I've lost some more weight; now I am weighing in at 85.5 and my weight  still appears to be heading downward.   I'm bummed a little but I'm still happy as can be to still be alive thanks to my sweet honey. 

My brother is still trying to get a ticket to come out to see me again but he did manage to get himself an amazing  new cruiser bike to ride around in his neighborhood.  Hopefully he will one day be able to get another dog that can keep up with him; like a border collie or a sheltie, or what ever dog he can bond with at the local shelter?    I'm so happy for him that he is doing what makes him happy (grooming dogs) and we sure did have a great time when he visited last!   I'm so looking forward to another visit and more bike rides together around my neighborhood.   Miss Blue Belle still looks like a princess despite her little ear injury.   I do know that she loves her uncle Bill and she still misses her beloved Grandpa.

Despite all this, my poor sweetie has so much to do each and every day to ensure my survival for right now.  I do want to live and I have that will to but I do also know what my reality is in fighting this deadly disease which has taken so much out of me.    He has flush my picc line many times per day and he is very good at giveing me my daily 3 doses of Zofran each day which takes over 5 minutes.  He's very aware of this and takes notice when I start gagging and vomiting.  Zofran is just another thing in my daily activities that is used to help with this horrid nausea I suffer from each day.  He really does so much to help me each day; till death do we part!)  We don't always get what we want in life.  I'm still content with my sweet honey and my animals!  They make me happy every day no matter what is going on with my sick and tired body. 

Well one of the side effects of sitting around weak and disheveled is that I  tend to watch  way too much Cable Television and sometimes too much internet.    I'm still always shocked by headlines in the news of what others are doing that are selfless acts for others; too bad you don't see so much compassion unless you really dig for truth.  I love finding new blogs that expose those truths and put me in a good mood!)  I get quite a bit of it here; right on my blog; along with lots of love!)  

I watched Dr. Phil again last night?  Sometimes it bothers me but he does touch on issues that are important to many of us.   He was focused on a very good subject;  dealing with teenagers who are unable to communicate effectively with their parents.    Damn, I wish he had been around when I was a kid.  Yeah I had issues as a kid as so many do!  I was lied to by my own government about Cannabis being able to kill you when in fact there is not 1 documented death from cannabis; ever.  Well anyway I didn't try it until I was 18 years old with own my mother.  I was scared of it when I tried it for the 1st times ever. I thought my brains were going to turn into fried eggs?  "This is brain on drugs?"   That commercial worked liked crazy in my day!

Some kids have it much better off but there are unfortunately still plenty of shitty parents out there who care only about them selves and not their families; just gaining more material possessions and debt.  There are so many parents who don't teach their kids about the real world  (they shelter them from everything and expect laws to change for those out there and that they do have to work hard to make it out in the real world!  How are kids supposed to know how to treat the opposite sex when they don't rightly know how to be in a relationship?   There are so many things that I wish my mother would have told me about that would have saved me many crappy dates with boys or getting into trouble with boys!  I could have masturbated instead and saved myself the trouble!   Why don't parents teach their daughters about masturbation instead?   Masturbate when you are younger and avoid those annoying boy problems until you graduate and get your life together.  I don't even think Dr. Phil even recommends that as a topic of discussion but I think it should be.  My apologies if my blog has all of a sudden made you feel very uncomfortable but that's life and reality!)
I'm so happy that I have the most wonderful husband ever and I keep feeling sometimes that he doesn't deserve to live this hell of cancer but he insists he loves me no matter what.  I see myself deteriorating each day I'm alive and he just sees my loving soul through and through  and all that we gone through.   We have had so much fun together over the last 13 years of knowing each other!  My husband is a prime example of what a real man stands for.  I'm so thankful to have married my very best friend in world and I'm so incredibly happy for that decision every moment of my life. 

Well as for my health; I'm still trying to combat the massive amounts of pain I suffer from each day.  I have to take 3 3ml doses of Methadone per day and along with that my honey also gives me an injection of Zofran for nausea (I have my phone alarm when its time to do all that!) and the Methadone is the absolute nastiest shit I have ever taken!)  First off it is liquid form, placed under the tongue (orally).    We all know that Heroin Addicts take this drug in order to get them selves off of smack.  The taste is so incredibly horrid! Ewwwwww! Ewwwww! Ewwwwww!   It makes my mouth feel as though I just placed a very bitter cleaning compound under my tongue but I keep it below my tongue  for at least 10 minutes while my body absorbs the compound for pain.   I dread the very taste of it each and every time; I talk really funny as I'm doing this little waiting game.   Then it's time for the pickles!)

  I have also found that my favorite Whole Food's Pickles work excellent for getting rid of the horrid  nasty taste of the  Methadone and the Dilaudid which is extremely sugary and sweet?.  I can down an entire jar of pickles in just 1 day; that's like my favorite food right now?  Oh GOD do I love pickles!  Not the kind you get in a regular grocery store but a generic brand at Whole Foods "365 Organic Kosher Spears".   Then I have to drink "Key Lime" soda mixed with water and ice to rid my tummy of the burning feeling that I get going up my chest after I puke up the pickles?(.   Ok I drink this soda so that it can make my puke taste better when it comes back up?  Yeah that's pretty crazy, huh?    I still try to eat food when I get my munchies (Medicinal Cannabis = heartburn, nausea, insomnia)    I suffer from a very intense amount of nausea and cancer related pain which I'm positive most would not want to continue on; I think many would be ready to go at this point but I'm just not ready just yet.  

   I hate that I have so many pains that I have to be on top of.  When I'm not in control of the pain; it can be pretty miserable.  I'm able to catch up most of the time with my cannabis.   The heartburn pains are the worst ever; just seeing my bones more and more in my chest kind of bothers me.  I worry that my heart my be getting weaker and weaker as these  days fly by.   The cannabis, a friend of mine had provided me with is also helping me get rid of that nasty taste by making me super, duper thirsty! Death is not such an easy subject to write about especially the reality of what happens to the body as one is suffering as I am.   I can say that my methods for dealing with what I deal with has given me more time with my honey and all my loved ones and all of you; my readers!)  I LOVE YOU ALL!

I feel all patients in all states should have access to medicinal cannabis so that they too can have a quality of life that gives them more time to be with their loved ones.  They too deserve to be pain free.  Cancer is a wasting disease and it's cruel and unusual to allow patients to suffer in so much pain?  It's wrong ethically to deny them to good quality medicine that has more than proven that it works.   It's not fair to deny patients good pain medication which really does work.  Not one politician really  has any idea what so many thousands of cancer patients who could be growing their own medicine rather than loosing their homes trying to afford medicine that has far worse side effects like constipation which is very deadly.  If only those politicians could live by the Golden Rule (Treat others how you would want to be treated")  got a chance to walk in mile in any cancer survivor's shoes to just understand what we often have to deal with.  If they could just sit through 1 chemo treatment on their own and deal with all those side effects that so many of us have to endure.  Cannabis really does help with the nausea and that horrid taste of metal; it actually gets rid of the nasty metallic taste that so many of us have to endure. 

OK I found an example of one politician behaving badly.  He is showing off his pure and utter greed!)  What an ugly and disgusting character flaw in anyone.  I don't like seeing greed in anyone.  Sure we all have to be greedy over somethings that are very important (our identity, home, family).   This politician is so greedy that he actually filed a frivolous lawsuit over biting into a sandwich.  This totally happened to me too and I chose not to sue. Dennis Kucinich is just one example of a very greedy ass politician who wants to sue because he hurt his tooth (is his tooth from pain and suffering worth $150,000?); I just don't buy it?  I was so shocked to see that headline and I like Dennis somewhat; but I'm not so sure anymore now.  OK it was the government cafe where he ordered his olive sandwich where he had the $150,000 olive that caused him to break his (was it some sort of golden tooth?) beloved (was it a golden tooth?) tooth; hell I had a hard Dutch Crunch bread   Sandwich which broke off my expensive Acrylic cap on my front tooth where I looked just like a jack-o-lantern for about a day and a half.  It didn't hurt; it only mortified me; I had just come in to work to do a shift; right before my shift I tried to eat my turkey sandwich and my first bite into the sandwich broke my from tooth; I was absolutely mortified and I had to go right back home.  I would have never even considered such a frivolous lawsuit over my tooth breaking like that; I ordered the wrong kind of bread and it broke my tooth.  Why should anyone have to pay me for that mistake? So many Americans are doing with out and he does do a lot of good for standing up for many Americans out there who don't have a voice but he's a dumb ass for even considering suing us tax payers over an olive in his sandwich.  I'm am always on the look out for Olive seeds with any kind of olive that I eat; especially in a sandwich.  This is about as crazy as the stupid hot coffee lawsuit; I have no idea why I brought this whole thing up but for a pure amusement of someone being greedy in  a world where its not appreciated. Greed is a horrible quality for anyone to have and why would I be so surprised that any politician had that quality?

Now I do agree with him on our health care  in that it should not be for profit; health care should be clearly about taking care of sick Americans who happen to need urgent care.  The new health care law is not Job killing as many Republicans keep repeating and what's funny is that they have no proof what so ever that it is job killing; only their propaganda and agenda for not wanting Americans to have real access to affordable and or free health care.  Yes, of course they have to lie to us?  They too  are very greedy and have vested interests in insuring that many of us are not covered.   I am so very thankful for the health care that I have had and continue to have.  Life is a true miracle for me and I'm so thankful to have it right now.   I just can't take any of that for granted; I treasure it so! )  Many other Americans should be so lucky as well; they too deserve it.  Well we deserve many things and in life we all have a purpose here and it should not be about gaining more and more material possessions or becoming so obsessed with loosing more and more weight?  I haven't noticed that much but are we all that fat?  I'm sick and tired of seeing loose weight here and there and everywhere.  I see this dumb bell thing that resembles so much of me just pleasuring my own man? It's kind of crazy?  What is that thing all about? Sorry!  It so looks like a tool that enhances a woman pleasuring her man with some very good hand job techniques?  My honey and I crack up each time we see the commercial and now men do it too?

Well I would be lying if I said my honey and I were not happy about the Packers making it to the Superbowl.  Old Mr. Farvre is not making us happy anymore with his midlife crisis sexual harassment problems and then totally dissing the Packers by playing for their mortal enemies (Vikings) well now handsome Mr. Aaron Rogers just took them to the Super Bowl!  Yeah!  So there Mr. Traitor! that's what he proved he was to the entire team.  What comes around goes around and I certainly hope the Packers win this Super Bowl; What a freaking creap he proved to be!  My sweet honey deserves that happiness and satisfaction of his team winning the Super Bowl!  Yeah!)

What is up with the Oscars?  They picked movies that were worthy of 1 star maybe (Black Swan) and maybe 2 stars (True Grit) and I finally got to see all of Secretariat and I have to disagree with their voting system?   I guess they pick the suckiest and most boring movies ever to win?  I don't get it?   I have no idea how those other two movies could be any better than Secretariat.  My honey and I watched it twice and absolutely loved it?  Movies that you tend to love never seem to win anything?  I guess that life for Hollywood.  It's so misunderstood and they still remake movies that don't need to remade; if they just researched more of life they could find plenty more movies to make.  They are just running out of Original material?  Not getting it!

I wish all of you much Peace and Love!  Here's to me keeping up with my pain and to keep on  surviving as long as I can!

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stipeygirl75 said...

Hugs to you - I always enjoy reading your updates! I'm glad you are getting to spend a lot of quality time with your family and no matter what happens, they'll always know you love them! I'm with ya on Mr. Favre; my family is from Wisconsin so we always cheer for the Packers even though we now live in Indiana and root for the Colts also :) I'm extremely angry with Favre over his behavior and I agree he is a traitor. He is an excellent example of how BAD KARMA works! Seems if you are doing bad things the karma eventually comes back to bite you. Whatever you send out, be it positivity or negativity, is like a boomerang and will come back. Hugs and wishing you many pain-free days.

Jenny said...

Once again love...you are a true inspiration to not just those who know you but those who SHOULD know you. I love reading your words. You have always had that special light in you long long ago when we first met...I'm in awe of the beautiful woman you've become. Thank you for sharing yourself with all of us. We do love YOU! Smiles and hugs...xoxo.

Lakeland Jo said...

We have never met but I feel as if I know you. I came so close to death myself I hope I can talk frankly to you. I can't bear the thought of you going, but I know that when you have had enough (and you have had more more more than enough) we will all understand and wish you all the love and peace in the world. I know how hard it is to leave your honey, but you deserve peace and painlessness so much, I just know he will understand because he loves you and must hate to see you struggle. As ever, an inspiration. Bless you XXXX ( ps- I know you are going to pass over to such a better place- I hope they will let you carry on your blog. Wouldn't that be great? XXXXX

Denise said...

I love to read your posts, and feel so blessed to have the opportunity. I love it that you speak your mind and just share what is in your heart. As these days get worse for you, I hope sincerely that you can feel the love from all your followers. I pray that you feel God's strength, peace and warmth. God Bless your hubby too.

Ambrosia said...

I remember those crazy drug commercials...I'm glad they don't play them anymore.

You have such a great outlook on life. More people should take a cue from you, stop sweating the little things and enjoy life for the blessing it is.

I'm bad about consistency these days (it's been months since I've checked in even on some of my best friends), but I had to drop by and see how you are doing!

*HUGS*, Hun...you are an inspiration to so many!

Denise said...

Thinking of you, how are you?

Reverse Address Lookup said...

You are so strong and brave, My prayers will always with you knight! Keep us updated on your journey.

Arman said...

I wish you would have told me about that would have saved me many crappy dates with boys or getting into trouble with boys..........

mishall magarzo said...

My doctor said that my eyes can be affected too by my asthma?

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My techniques and treatments work simply for me and may not produce the same results for others. Cancer is a very tricky disease in which it is very different in everyone it touches. No two cancers are the same just as we humans are not the same. What works for me may not work for others.

I love life and expect to live for as long as I can. I intend to use those treatments that do work for me which includes medicinal cannabis. I'm still alive with this disease over 7 years later because of this miracle plant and as long as I have my medicine available; I intend to survive many more years. I hope one day the Federal Government will eventually grow up and be led by true leaders who represent the people and not just coorporations; real people who live by the Golden Rule "treat others how you would want to be treated". I also hope the Government of the US can finally learn to admit that it has made a mortal mistake in making this life saving plant which is provided by GOD and does indeed have the ability to provide all of us with food, fuel, clothing, shelter, and medicine; a mistake that have made is that it is illegal. Yes, it was a mistake out of greed, ignorance, and racism that this miracle plant is illegal. This is a confirmed fact and we should all know and face it.

Cannabis is not at all harmful and in fact quite the opposite. Perhaps our economy can once again grow as it has in the turn of the century by making this life saving plant legal once again.

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