Stint surgery tomorrow...1 other option..

Well today was quite an eventful day. I spent part of the morning with nurses trying desperately to suction out barium liquid out of my nose in order to hopefully get a clear CAT scan; for some reason the tube kept getting clogged with food and other particles. When it was finally time for me to be wheeled down I chose to be wheeled down in a gurney instead of the uncomfy wheelchair since I was having so much pain in my stomach, I also had a huge raging headache and of course my nose and throat didn't feel so hot either from having the NG tube stuck in it.

We went down with out a problem (didn't get to bumped around) and nothing was injected into my veins during this CAT; only 2 shots were taken. Two of the technicians spoke loudly from from around the window that there was too much barium solution inside me to get a clear shot; so therefore I got to go back upstairs to my room to relax and get ready for the next plan of action.

I needed to get a Picc line inserted for intravenous feeding and easy access for blood draws and IVs. This didn't happen until 2 pm; but while I was heading back from the CT scan; I had a serious anxiety attack; I was crying and hyperventilating out of control. I have to admit; I'm pretty scared at what is happening with my body right now and it seems there is no end in sight as to when I will get come home. I'm so incredibly home sick and I so miss being at home with my family. I don't know what came over me but I could not for the life of me stop crying; tears were just streaming down my face and that stupid NG tube and snot running everywhere did not help matters at all.

As it appears now; I will be here for a least 2 more weeks or longer (GOD I hope it's less than that!). I'm not at all sure when I will get to sleep in my own bed. I just had a serious depression moment and the hyperventilating did not help that area of my stomach where all of the pressure has been (pain). I had to get drugged up and a nurse crushed up an Ativan and diluted with some water and then inserted it into my NG tube just in time for the Picc line surgical procedure.

The preparation for a Picc line is a long one and there is so much involved and of course the key is preparation and sterilization. I had to be covered up with this blue tarp and my arm scrubbed free of any germs then I had to have my arm stuck with a local anesthetic. For this particular time; it took two times to get that Picc line inserted and I'm so very thankful it was all on the same arm. It sure was painful and I had my old lady music to listen to in order to calm me down and the lady inserting the Picc line. I did everything she had requested of me and she remembered me from several times of inserting other Picc lines in me. She knew my who story. We even got to go through the drama of worrying whether the Picc line had been inserted correctly and if we needed to go for my left arm. The x-ray machine came in to check and it was a success! We were excited and of course me being so incredibly hungry I asked for a party cake and icecream. How they wished they could help me out there; because I do deserve some cake and ice cream only it might kill me given my circumstances.

After my Picc line had been inserted several of the OBGYN oncologists including my doctor, who came in to tell me that I would be getting another x-ray this evening and we would be attempting to insert a stent inside my intestine. This would actually create a larger opening where my duodendum thingy or intestine is so that food can easily travel through. There is a significant length of intestine that remains blocked so there is a good chance that this may not work but fingers crossed that it will. Now this would most likely happen through my mouth and I would be partially drugged up and awake during this procedure. This will happen sometime tomorrow morning or afternoon; there isn't a time scheduled for this procedure just yet. I have to be honest; I am alittle apprehensive about going through this and extremely nervous at the same time; I just pray that it will be a success or what ever happens is a success. I am so very thankful that there is a solution and there's is 2 solutions to my problem. Either way; I will be fixed. I don't mind so much having that 6th surgery. It will be invasive but I have this feeling in my gut that I will recover from this one much faster than this 5th one.

Of course if the stent thing doesn't work; we have plan B; Abdominal Surgery number 6. I would need to be opened up and my intestine would be resectioned and a new hole positioned in my stomach so that food could actually go through my system in a brand new path. I have heard that this happens sometimes or is similar to gastric bypass surgery for those who wish to loose weight. Wow! and I need to gain weight! Of course the old portion would be cut out but yes, another risky surgery of which 6 - 8 weeks time needed for recovery. OH GOD I'm scared! I'm trying my best to be strong and as positive as possible. But sometimes it can very hard but I'm doing my absolute best and trying to look at the bright side of things.

But wait, there is some good news. Since the NG tube has been remaining blocked I did have it removed right then and there. After I got that damned thing removed; I celebrated by washing by my dirty ass hair. It had so much grease and dandruff! OMG! I got to wash it with this special shampoo that my friend Debbi had brought me on Tuesday. It smells just like Creme Brulee!). I'm so hungry that I could just eat my hair. Just as I washing it; a good friend from work (just like a big brother to me) came by to visit for a little while just prior to me being wheeled down for another x-ray but not before my honey showed up with Miss Blue Belle. We had some good conversations and it was so good to see my friend whom I am have missed dearly. We used have so much fun on our lunch breaks going for Indian Food, walks around the Bay, and even roller blading and ice skating. One day again soon!)

As I was getting my x-ray done, the experienced technician told me of others who had also gotten that abdominal stint and could barely walk after getting that procedure done; and that perhaps my snowboarding days could soon be over. GOD I pray not; I hope he is wrong about that. I want to be as active and alive as possible. I know it sounds selfish but I don't want to just be confined to barely walking anywhere. I love being active more than anything and snowboarding is my passion. I don't know what I would do with out it. I've been avoiding all kinds of bags just so that I could have myself a wonderful season this coming season and it's supposed to be a good one! I surely don't wish to miss it for the world! I'm not going to count is out just yet; I still have faith.

Once I got back to my room after the x-ray; I got to cuddle up next to my honey and watch TV and just enjoy his presence next to me. We are both very worried about this surgery tomorrow. Now I am wondering if the second option is better for me? I would hate think about crashing and this stint causing me to have internal bleeding or something horrible happening from my fun active life style. It always seems like its always something! Here's to me healing and hopefully getting my life back together as I would like it to be!) Here's to a cure for this horrid cancer! I will have to start some heavy duty chemo once I get out of here because of those tumors which appear to be getting bigger and bigger.

Abdominal Blockages & severe heartburn....

Well it's finally started; I am starting to get the pains of more bowel blockages and small relief of just being able to fart; sometimes I have to strain in order to do so. It's so not pleasant or ladylike but it is painful if I can't. I am also forcing myself to eat daily because of the nausea and the severe heartburn; I can't even stomach all that much and when I do eat any significant amount it feels as if my stomach is going to burst; very painful and uncomfortable. I'm also burping louder than ever; louder than I have ever been able to and I don't know any relatives who could beat these loud ass burps. They are horrible but they do offer me relief when I do so!) My honey gets so worried when he hears them at all hours of the night sometimes; it just happens most of the time now. I even get god awful hiccups when I go poo?

Right now I am trying to not use anything for pain even though the pain is unbearable at times; I need to wean myself off of painkillers and just get used to what my body is doing and feeling. Sometimes I can't take it and have to pop a Percocet; these have been the best at helping me deal with severe pain; but now I am starting to get blocks. It started on Monday and I actually had to pull out the dreaded painful suppositories. It's working and I am getting some relief but I have to get more Miralax and see if that works; I just worry that I will be pooping 24 x 7 if I do that. I never thought I would have to deal with this and it seems that the only way that I can go number 2 is with my Sitz Bath; oh it definitely brings me some relief to a sore butthole!)

Yes, these are those spasms that I get at least once a day while trying to relieve myself and these days relieving can mean so many different things!) As it is now, when I am able to go poo, the spasms are painful and I am even forced to puke. This has been pretty irritating; to be straining as an involuntary muscle and then feeling it push stuff up my esophagus. It's the weirdest thing, but it definitely sucks!(

Yesterday I forced myself to eat some berries (blackberries, raspberries, and blueberries), granola, and Vanilla Brown Cow whole Milk with the cream on Top" yogurt. It was pretty good!) It helped some and I will continue this until I start feeling like I will puke if I am around it much longer. I do like it when I find something that works; even if its just for a little while. I seem to always eventually become sick of something if I eat it too many days in a row or weeks and months as it is has been smoothies and Ensures. I also tried so hard to eat the rest of day doing the tiny meals but I got sick the entire day not being able to stomach all that much. This morning I was puking and pooing at the same time. How pleasant to wake up to that!(

I sure hope I am feeling better by next week. Oh god please don't make me feel anything like this! This is ridiculous that its taking me this long to heal! It's been very frustrating and I really need to start back to work in less than 2 weeks. I'm not even gaining any weight; just staying at 110-113. I am riding my bike daily and I hope to go swimming today. Maybe some aqua-therapy can do me some good! We will see.

Since I've been in so much pain, I have to admit to lying on the couch watching mostly Warren Miller Films and just recently a special on Shaun White which was really amazing. I was practically salivating as I watched he and his friends blast down a mountain hitting tree tops and catching air.

Oh how I wished I was in that great of shape and to be doing just that. That adrenaline rush must feel amazing; I do know that it is a amazing just to watch! I just sat there on the couch reminiscing about how wonderful the powder feels under my feet as I am blasting down a mountain myself. That is the feeling of heaven and I hope to feel that again this season!) Amanda was just telling me that this year we will be getting lots and lots of rain. Now that made me very, very, very, very happy; she always feels that she is going to melt when it rains and I am in heaven when I feel the rain on my head! I just love it!) That's just our differences; I'm absolutely done with this dreaded heat we have been having; it was 99 yesterday. Now that makes me feel like I am melting!

Can you believe that it rained on Saturday at the "Relay for Life"? I may have mentioned it but it did! Oh how that felt good! It was so amazing and I was just dreading the heat when the clouds started to form and then all of a sudden it was raining!) It was absolutely wonderful.

UPDATE: I was able to take Amanda's bike to get a new tire and even got her a new bell. I'm sorry I don't have any cool photos but I did get to go on a short bike ride today with Miss Blue Belle over to that church we often go to play frisbee. We didn't get to play frisbee for long because the church overwatered the field again and turned it into a muddy swamp. Blue Belle was pretty bummed that I didn't wish to play in the muddy field. I kind of suspect someone is doing this to keep dogs off the lawn. Why not just put up a sign?

I was able to eat some granola, berries, and yogurt for breakfast and then I had a Jamba Juice later on with extra protein which more than lasted me all day long (I drank almost half). I kept burping through out the day (OMG - I can actually say things while I burp - next time I will try counting and tell you how high I was able to go!) and it was the worst tasting burps ever (ewww they were probably stinky burps too!(.

I am definitely having some digestion issues from all of that and I will be calling the doctor tomorrow morning. There has to be some sort of a block in my intestines or a kink; because it's very painful on one side of my abdomen. I have been having problems not being able to fart much today but I did ignite a nasty one inside the bicycle shop as this young man was walking by me. I was just standing there debating whether I should be nice and not ignite or just be a stinky Bitch! OK Stinky Bitch it is; because dam it; I've been through too dam much to hold that shit in!; he'll just have to get over it! Shit, it always seems to happen that way!( Oh well; at least I'm laughing about it now!)

I am bummed that I had to take 2 whole Percocets for pain today; one for this morning and one just now. I hope it takes effect soon (yes, I'm in pain as I'm writing but it's only on that 1 side of my abdomen that I'm getting checked out tomorrow). I just emailed my doctor the problems I have been having so maybe I can be seen tomorrow? I know to expect a phone call from him tomorrow; they always seem to answer more quickly online. It's pretty awesome!

Monday, Monday - It was all I hoped it would be....

Forgive the title of this post; as we were driving home from our excellent Snowboarding adventure and using the satellite radio we were listening to the 60's station; this song (Monday, Monday) came on. My husband and I just started singing this song because in all honesty; this was a wonderful, wonderful Monday of all Mondays ever! By far the best big powder day I have ever experienced or at least in long, long time!)

This post will indeed prove that life definitely goes on for me despite all the bad news my doctors give me about my state of health. We will see the power of my mind and positive thinking and how far and how long it will take me on this journey.

I decided that it might be cool that for every snowboarding or any dangerous adventure I go on; I will be sure to post something incredibly hillarious whether it be a story, a video, or an email I receive from a friend. I wish to have the last laugh always!)

This Alaskan storm that has swept Northern California has been a great one! I sure have enjoyed watching it. Check out the snow on Mount Hamilton here in San Jose. You can just imagine the excitement it has created in my house hold. We always know when it snows here; we are getting pristine fluffy white powder just hours away!)

Now we watched this storm so carefully; we had initially planned to leave on Saturday then on Friday evening it became apparent to both of us as we watched the traffic cameras that this was the start of a busy, busy President's Day weekend. It would indeed take us many, many hours to get where we wanted to go due to this also being Valentine's Day & of course the start to President's Day Weekend. On Saturday, we watched the storm some more to find that they were predicting heavy winds for Sunday. From all of our years of going; most likely most resorts would be put on wind hold due to those extreme high winds (been there done that!). We sure know what it's like to be stuck on a lift being blown around like a flag several stories up! The visibility for this day wouldn't be much better so lucky for us; so we waited to leave until after 5am on Monday morning. I drove the first leg and it wasn't so bad; hubby was a bit grumpy as he usually is waking up so early in the morning. He just isn't a morning person no matter how hard he tries to be.

When we got to Murphy CA (heading to Bear Valley) we swapped places (driving) and we got our lift tickets at the Murphy Hotel, Bar & Saloon in order to avoid the long lines that could be at the resort.

The drive was slowed down quite a bit by a man driving a brand new beautiful blue Toyota Tacoma 4x4 that perhaps he had forgotten that his truck had 4 wheel drive or maybe he was just very frightened to push that four wheel drive button to engage. What would he do?

He didn't drive above 21mph and mostly averaged about 16-17mph and we were a little more than 30 miles from Bear Valley. We were about the 21st car in line (behind him). He just couldn't figure out how to engage the 4 wheel drive in his brand new truck or so it seemed. We passed maybe 12 turn outs where he could have pulled over to figure it out or he just liked holding up 47 cars (no one for miles was in front of him). As we were driving so very slowly as my hubby was burning up with frustration. I reminded him that we could be at work but instead we are merely just driving very slow in this snow storm.

Finally about 1 hour later and about 24 miles later; we were finally able to pass him and were surprised that his truck did not have chains as we had suspected. We could see that bright blue truck 21 cars ahead of us (I counted=I was bored enough to= I counted all cars affected) but figured that he was scared that he would break a chain but instead scared of all the snow and messing up his brand new pretty truck.

We finally arrived to Bear Valley and was able to pass another very slow driver and actually made better timing behind a mini van which was a first for his and with chains no less. We drove past the area where parking lot attendants were pointing us in the direction to park; we drove past them and continued to VIP parking. It was $20 to park up close but when we opened the window; a very cute dog sitting in my lap smiled and greeted the attendant selling VIP parking that he gave us a $5 discount= only $15. Good Kharma!)

We parked the SUV (Ford Escape) and since there wasn't a whole lot of cars entering this particular parking lot; I took Miss Blue Belle to run and play in the fresh snow next to the parking lot. She loved how the snow felt as she plopped her fluffy body onto the fresh powder snow. She dug her nose in and blew as snow went everywhere! With that, she jumped up onto her feet and ran around and poked my leg to get me to run. I guess she felt the need to herd me.

Here is Blue Belle's video I made for YouTube. It was tough finding a song so I just picked something abstract and hard to figure out in case of weird licensing issues. I'm not planning to make any money from this video and it's for pure enjoyment and bring others joy in this world. If the artist of this song is against that; what kind of a person are they? The quality is not good enough for someone to dub and sell; so I think I should be OK right? I kinda feel that Perry Farrel would not have a problem at all with me as many concerts I have seen with him. I've actually lost count of all the Jane's Addiction and Porno for Pyros shows I have been too. Many of my friends in SF have performed on stage with him over the years; I haven't met him but can tell he is incredibly cool and has heart.

Ok enough about Perry Farrell; on to our snowboard Adventure! We were able to board on the kinds of terrain that really got my stomach and gave me this almost drug in that it was so much fun; there was so much powder that it came up to my waist. I made the mistake of stopping going down this hill; I had to dig myself out and try to get started again. It took lots of strength; I lied on back once I had dug the snow out and then unstrapped my right binding to get some footing. After all that I just lied there and then closed my eyes and imagined all of my strength killing cancer. Boy that inspired me to work harder and I got out of that situation and decided then and there that I will not crash again. That was hard work. I finally got the strength to put the binding back on my right foot and reached as far as I could to get the board over my head and back over (backwards somersault) and back on my board keeping the nose of my board up and not down as to dig back into that waist high snow. I looked down this mountain and drew a line where I wanted to go; with that I headed down really fast; the wind hitting my face, the beauty of nature's storm as my speed gave me that feeling that I was a kid again riding on a roller coaster. What a feeling!


I kept going fast and watching out for little kids and adults who too had gotten stuck in the snow. One young girl was about to do just what I did when yelled for her to lean back and keep the nose of her board up. I kept going right past towards a little rounded edge that looked like a mini half pipe. I hit it with great speed as it shot me right up into the air (only about a foot if that) but it felt like a rush of adrenaline as I landed and kept going. The snow just sprayed in all directions as I continued to imagine this whole mountain being cancer and I was conquering it and winning this fight. I had my ipod on my snowboard mix of songs and each song just got better and boarded to the beat of the music and has many many flawless runs. I took mostly the black diamond runs since the snow was literally up to my waist and to get stuck in some flats was just hard to work. I lost count after 10 runs; I just continued to have a blast. I stopped and had to deal with my bowel problems through out the day and was thankful to have brought my Hemi wipes. Yes, I was going number 2 in those nasty bathrooms but not to worry I was armed with supplies to handle such a feat. I had my hemi wipes, Red Cross Antibacterial washless solution to clean the toilet seat with the addition of using one of those doilies to help wipe the seat clean, then a doily to sit on. I made the mistake once of washing my hands in the ice cold sink but not again. I would use my antibacterial lotion to clean my hands and then use those hand dryers to warm and dry my hands. This happened a few dozen times. I would do 2-3 runs and then go get the runs and then back up for more runs and back down more more other runs. Having those Preparation H Hemi wipes made the world of difference between having raw ass; OK I will stop from there with out my shame. It's the truth and I toughed it because I am so very thankful my bottom is still working down there. I also tried to imagine my intestines healing from all the fun; everything I could think of I tried to will my insides to be working again.

I also would go out to see Miss Blue Belle again and again and again; actually we both did. We had a few wonderful, excellent runs together; my hubby and I!). One run felt just like an orgasm! It was that extreme addiction I have to that adrenaline rush of riding down the mountain flawlessly; hitting little jumps here and there as we both chased each other into the trees for more fresh tracks, screaming, laughing and whooting! Yes we were being silly and uncontrollable as we had more and more fun together. I landed some really fun jumps and even did a grab on my board as my brother had told me to try the next time I went snowboarding. I did everything he had described to me and it felt so awesome!

My husband quit boarding around 1pm because his feet were hurting and he was feeling a bit winded and of course the visibility was not so good for him. I told him I would only do a max of 3 runs. My ipod just kept playing one good song after another; so much so I just could not tear myself away from the mountain. I just rode to the beat of the music and hit lots of freshies in the woods and even in the black diamond runs. Every time I had a rush of adrenaline; I imagined that cancer dieing and suffering from all the fun I was having. I couldn't control screaming, yelling and just showing the world how much fun I was having. It just felt so incredibly amazing! It's like I got my battery charged; I still feel great and my body is still working. It didn't matter that I had to go take a dump or pee a dozen more times; I was so glad that my bowels were working anyway. I treasure that feeling always.

We finally left the resort at 3pm and got home after 8:30PM. This charge to my battery will last at least another week or more. I love these memories we make together!)

A snow storm is arriving....

Well it has been a whole 3 days and 2 nights since I last saw my honey. I've made it this far and only a few more to go till late Saturday night. Oh and I have been talking and texting him like crazy. I just love talking to my honey on the phone. It sure makes me feel great just to hear his sexy manly voice; it's just like my heart skips a beat and then it turns warm as I feed off the sound of his voice. Love is such a great feeling to experience and I'm so thankful for every moment of it!o)

I am slowly gaining more weight and have been utilizing some good vitamins from Whole Foods (Fish Oil (without the mercury) 1000mg, B-Complex, Vitamin C with Echinacea 500mg , and Graviola) in order to give my body enough ammo to get stronger. I am also drinking Aloe Vera juice twice a day and can actually feel that my intestines are getting strong (I hope and pray). Not to mention electrolytes and vitamin drinks, ensures, and High Protein Boost. Here's to a cure! Perhaps I will find it!)

I'm still suffering from insomnia no matter how hard I try to imagine my husband sleeping downstairs on the couch. I just miss him so much!

Now back to this exciting storm. Yes, my soul needs to spread its wings out on the mountain. There's just nothing like feeling the snow hit my face, looking out into a white wilderness as my board slides so smoothly through soft fresh powder!) The sound of the board when it scrapes some ice and then hits that fresh powder as it spays in both directions as I glide through it. I just love that feeling when my stomach gets lifted up and I leap with very little effort over a small natural jump. Oh how that excites me and makes me feel so incredibly alive! If ever there is a feeling of being in heaven; its in the snow!) I literally could go on and on and on!) Love it!

Check out these prime conditions.

Dodge Ridge Weather Forecast

Thursday, February 5th, 2009 Day Hi: 29° F Snow showers. Temperature rising to near 29 by 11am, then falling to around 23 during the remainder of the day. South wind between 14 and 16 mph, with gusts as high as 24 mph. Chance of precipitation is 100%. New snow accumulation of 1 to 3 inches possi Night Lo: 18° F Snow showers. Low around 18. South wind between 11 and 18 mph, with gusts as high as 28 mph. Chance of precipitation is 80%. New snow accumulation of 1 to 3 inches possible. Friday, February 6th, 2009 Day Hi: 30° F Snow showers. High near 30. South southwest wind between 7 and 14 mph, with gusts as high as 21 mph. Chance of precipitation is 90%. Night Lo: 22° F Snow showers likely, mainly before 10pm. Mostly cloudy, with a low around 22. Light and variable wind. Chance of precipitation is 60%.

Yes, I am considering going to Dodge Ridge. Originally I was considering Bear Valley but after being reminded of a friend's car accident and it could very well be heavy duty conditions; I just know that I need to play it safe since there is a good chance that I will be going alone. I've done it before a few times and my honey supports me fully me in my quest for a soul healing. It does heal my soul to do something so incredibly fun.

Now as for my planning; I figure it's going to snow all day tomorrow while I am at work. Inches and inches of good fresh powder will be falling through out the day for me to play on!) Dodge Ridge is only about 2 and half hours away and of course I sort of drive like a grandma. I have a grandma's disease; so I'm gonna have to drive just like grandma!) I will be safe. No dangerous driving; I just want to go up, enjoy, and drive back all in one peace.

The weather is storming as you can tell and I plan to leave around 5:30-6am Friday morning. I just had a friend of mine provide me with some good kharma. He gave me some boots (I was warned to wear them 30 minutes at a time through out the day). Gonna wear them at work; hell I hope people will laugh at me; I'll be sure to laugh with them!)

This photo was actually taken just a few months before my fourth surgery. My husband tore his ACL on this very trip. I was about 11 months after chemo, and about 4 months after my 3rd major abdominal surgery. You can see the curls coming out of my helmet. My skin was experiencing major breakouts from the chemo coming out of my system. I actually went snowboarding about 10 or so weeks after my third major abdominal surgery and of course here I am again. I'm wearing a girdle too here.. I still have my girdle after all these years and have saved it in case I may need it again. (gotta keep my guts together;)

So if you don't hear from me for a couple of days; please know that I will be having a blast out on the snow. Not sure how many more storms I will get to experience, but I know I'm going out to experience this one for sure! I'm taking my camera and will share with all! My honey is happy that I am going. He understands me like no one else!

Back from 1 day of boarding and 1 day exploring..

So my husband and I left early on Friday morning hoping to get out of the house by 5am; ended up leaving around 5:45am for our snowboarding adventure. Not too bad and we also made pretty good timing on the road as we arrived at Dodge Ridge shortly after 9am.

Now we had no idea how long our little trip would last but we based it on our years of experience out on the mountains given temperature and traffic. The runs were not even tracked out until the end of the day and we determined then that Saturday would not be a good day to return. For one, the snow would be 2 days old, tracked out and of course so incredibly crowded and both of us would be more susceptible to injury for which we have both been on very crowded days. We've both been run into a couple of times by kids and adults on those crowded days out on the mountain and its best to avoid more injuries.

We got to go snow boarding all day long on very fresh snow from the night before so if felt like we riding through a mountain of powdered sugar. If you fell, which I only did maybe twice the entire day with only 8 runs (we left at 3:30pm), it literally felt like you had fallen in a feather bed. I took it easy for our first day out on the mountain and didn't do any jumps at all. We got to go through the trees a few times and make our own tracks through the snow. It was so incredibly amazing. I loved every minute out there on the snow and actually every minute we even got to spend together.

Now mind you I started snowboarding in February 2000 and each year we went up usually around 10-12 time skipping the 2002-2003 (initial cancer diagnosis and chemotherapy) season, and the 2005-2006 season (no snow). I only got to go up a handful of times last season and of course in 2003-2004 only 3 times in between multiple surgeries and 1 just 6 weeks after (of course I wore a girdle so that my insides didn't fall out on the mountain - how unpleasant would that have been?). I was so stir crazy being in the hospital so many times and for so many weeks in a row; I had to go and of course I had a blast each and every time.

During that same year of all the surgeries, I went to the Bear Valley with a friend from work and only 2 days later I would have my fourth major Abdominal Surgery.

During that particular day it was spring conditions but still very cold on the mountain. My friend was having some problems with the altitude and had to refrain from boarding after just 2 runs. She was kind enough to allow me to stay and board for a couple of more hours. It was icy on the mountain on that particular morning and I rode down the run pretty fast and under estimated how incredibly icy it was.
As I boarded down to follow the main path, I slid too far and went past where the main path was to continue down a steep drop down the mountain and I guess it was a good thing that I was facing the mountain where I could use my hands and fingernails just like a cat to attempt to slow myself down from sliding further down this mountain. I was heading down a 45 degree angle sliding down the mountain pretty fast and for about 300 feet down.

For some odd reason I had forgotten to put my gloves on during this particular run and ended up losing quite a bit of skin all the way down that mountain. It was a steep angle and no matter what I just couldn't gain control; just allow myself to slide down to the bottom. I was already leaning against the mountain and when I got down I had some handy road rash on both elbows and hands. When I got down the mountain I immediately headed to the lift for another run! I was far more careful the next couple of times.

Then two days later I had the horrible, horrible abdominal pain and needed another surgery. I thank god I was able to have the fun day in the snow for which I will never forget. I do chuckle thinking of myself sliding down that mountain.

These are just the many reasons I have to go back; to face nature and to enjoy and treasure it. It sort of adds some more life to me and gives me hope and strength to continue to fight this horrible, horrible disease. I really do have faith and hope that one day I will cured of this cancer.

Now back to our most recent trip and our first day out on the slopes. After we left the slopes, we headed to a little town called Senora. Now the GPS had not been updated in a while and we got to experience what that was like and it wasn't very pleasant. It got us so incredibly lost when my poor husband had to go to the bathroom so bad. Oh and I had to go number 2 dozens of times through out the day. I was at least thankful that I wasn't constipated as I had been many times before. My husband drived while I manned the GPS. I told him the directions to go while the GPS kept reconfiguring and giving us whacked out directions to private residential areas and we just kept getting more and more and more lost. I finally decided to go to the text portion and at least read the map to see if this stupid device really did have a plan for getting us out of here. Sure enough it did, we just needed to mute the directions and follow the text and sure enough we got back into town with out any further problems. We just wanted to be in our room to relax.

We stayed at a pretty janky hotel but it was cool that there was a creek behind us that made it sound more relaxing, but it was that 2 layer motel look with all the windows that look the same. You walk outside to enter and for the bathroom there was just a shower, tiny little towels to dry off, 2 beds and a really, really old air conditioner that also served as the only heater. It took a while to get started to heat the cold room and it emitted a very strong oder. I was hoping it wasn't carbon monoxide but it could very easily have been. I got a little sick from the air conditioner but we slept OK.

Blue Belle was a good girl the whole time except for one little thing frustrating. Another dilemma in having a girl doggie or girl sheltie is that they are very particular at where they go pottie. For Blue Belle, she likes a fresh batch of grass. A beautiful lawn preferably. No concrete, no carpet, no wood floor, now it needed to be fresh snow or grass. The ice I think got her little snatch where she was like "ughhhhh!!!!!" when she touched down. My husband took her on a walk trying to get her to go and nothing. He found an icy batch of grass and still nothing. He could not get her to go. We couldn't get her to go all night long.

Then finally at 6am, she jumped up next to me and stared right into my eyes, and then looked down and the reacher left paw up and touched my shoulder. She even hummed a little tone very quietly. I immediately got up, got dressed and then walked her around this beautiful little town. We walked about 6 blocks up the street past a bunch of beautiful Christmas Windows decorated so perfectly for Christmas. It was the day after Christmas and we still got to see some beautiful Christmas Decorations. Then finally we walked past more beautiful window displays and then another 2 blocks and finally we found the perfect patch of dirt and pebbles for her pottie. It was a such a great feeling for both of us as we watched the sun come up over the mountains as she peeed into infinity!

To be able to watch another sunrise after seeing the sunset last night while we were lost in the middle of no where land, no houses, just woods and fields with cattle; most of all we were together and should have been enjoying the moments together rather than being stressed out and lost. Then this morning to be able to witness another gorgeous sunrise and this was just the great start for our fun day together. It was absolutely lovely.

I stopped at a coffee shot that was open this early for coffees and a fresh warm cinnamon bun and even stopped for a muffin for my husband at the free continental breakfast as our motel. It was just a very small breakfast to at least hold us over for a day.

It was unanimous that we would not go boarding on Saturday. All the families get to have that whole mountain all to themselves on this very busy, busy day. It could very well be for both of us a very dangerous day to go with so many children out on the mountain; you really do have to be careful and not go too fast; always watch out for others. But most of all what would make it more dangerous for injuries is the temperature which may or may not get up to 40 degrees which makes the snow melt and become sticky. With two day old snow its not quite as fluffy as what it was the very first day (which we were privileged enough to experience). Today we would walk around this little town and do some shopping, relaxing, eating or what ever. We didn't particularly know if we would stay another night or just go home.

We stopped into a consignment store where I purchased a few things as the ladies loved on Blue Belle. They had the best stories for every item in that store, great prices, and most of all original clothing that you will NOT see another one of. I almost bought this one fur coat with delicate stitching. An old woman had brought in the coat and her husband had purchased it in 1957 as they had cruised and vacationed in Norway. Can you imagine? I didn't buy the coat because the sleeves were too short. It fit perfectly everywhere else. I didn't get a photo of that coat but there were plenty of others we should have photographed. It was a store where a woman who loves to shop could literally spend hours enjoying. I thought of one of my best friends from a few years ago who I loved going shopping with; we always had a blast and in fact in this very photo I am wearing a shirt from her favorite consignment shop. Kimberly! I miss you!

Anyway, my husband and I continued exploring this small peaceful town and even went inside an old War Museum. A whole room of World War II items, even photos of Elvis in military gear and his autograph. My husband being a veteran himself as I sat in amazement as he told of his duty on the DMZ in Korea. He still remembered many of the towns and so many great stories. The guest book contained names of people from all over the world who had served in many wars and tours of duty. They had the most amazing memorabilia in there.

We started to get a little hungry as the day wore on and decided to look for the micro brewery Restaurant in Standard, CA. We also wanted to at least check out Jamestown as well. Jamestown was a neat little town but did not have not 1 single bar in the whole town.

There was maybe 2 churches?, maybe 2 religious gift stores, only 2-3 restaurants, and an excellent Olive Store with all local olives (they had the most amazing Basil Olive Oil and a fig Balsamic Vinagar!-mmmmm); most of the cute shops were closed. We did see a few motorcycle and leather stores and then the Jamestown Harley which looked to be closed and hopefully not for good as the Santa Cruz Harley shop has done a few weeks ago. We wanted our Jamestown Harley shirts. Here is a very cool old school motorcycle parked right out front. The doors were all locked and the hours posted actually appeared that it should be open by noon on Saturday. Hopefully these people still have their jobs as we can only hope for the best for them. We walked into another leather shop which had lots of cool leathers and jackets. It smelled wonderful in there and the woman in the store was very bright and cheerful.

My husband and I started to get really hungry and decided to go find us a restaurant to have our lunch. We walked along the peaceful little town and found nothing to really eat here (both restaurants closed) so we decided to go look for that Lumberyard brewing company. Once again we used the GPS and browsed the text for the correct directions instead of a wild goose chaise in the woods. We found the restaurant, enjoyed a great meal and continued home. What a great day and I'm still regular:)

Merry Christmas & off to enjoy a nice storm!

I would like to wish all of my readers, family, friends, and more a Merry Christmas! I hope you all got all that you wished for and perhaps in 2009, there will be a cure for Cancer. (Just a wish!)

My husband and I had a lovely little Christmas together. I was really surprised how family and friends were so punctual in getting cards and presents here on time. I had some abdominal pain last night and have been working through that pain with some cannabis, yoga, and some meditation. I think it was just a mild abdominal block. I'm still quite excited to go snowboarding once again.

It's been a crazy day for weather today. It started our raining like crazy and then the sun came out and then it rained like crazy again, wind was blowing and then it got sunny once again; in fact so pretty that I took Miss Blue Belle out to play with her best friend Tess. Now it's about to rain like crazy once again and the wind is really picking up.

I'm currently packing and getting ready for a snowboarding trip to Tahoe for fresh powder! We plan to leave really early Friday morning for Dodge Ridge. The boards are all waxed, the racks are installed on the truck and the inventory of our snowboard bags all check. So we are ready! Not sure how long we are staying but I do know that we have to keep on living and nothing makes me feel more alive than going really fast down a mountain on my snowboard with my honey close by!

I promise to update in a few days when I return.

A Higher CA125 = worrying...

Well I have been experiencing more abdominal pain and this morning awoke to the taste of blood. It's kind of scary and I just got my results from my last CA125 which was taken last Monday, Nov. 3rd. This one seems to have gone up 2 points and this was with the Etoposide. Prior to this CA125, it was at 24. If it goes up again, more than likely I will need to change chemotherapy treatments. I pray there is something new and am hoping for a chance for a study in analyzing my own tumors and then building a vaccine like treatment. I know this sort of treatment is showing promise.







These treatments seem so hopeful and I certainly hope and pray I am qualified to utilize them. For now I am just going to hold on to hope and faith that things will get better. The snow is coming and nothing is going to stop me from going snowboarding. If I have any addictions, then it is definitely the feeling of going very fast down a mountain with the cold wind hitting parts of my face, flying through the woods, hitting natural jumps. Even when I do fall, it's a reminder I am still alive and well; despite the cancer. As I go faster and faster down a mountain, I imagine cancer cells dying. In fact when ever I am exercising or doing anything physical, I imagine cancer cells dying.

This is just another bump in the road.

Today's meditation for today: #214 Practice this visualization to give you the strength to keep going when problems seem insurmountable. Visualize yourself at the bottom of a mountain whose summit is enshrouded in cloud. You embark on the long and arduous descent - the path is steep and rocky, the damp air chills your skin and the mist grows even thicker. You concentrate on putting one foot in front of the other, trusting that the path will deliver you to your destination. Near the summit the clouds disperse and the way ahead becomes clear. You realize that as long as you have the strength to keep going; all challenges conquerable.

Finally! The Rain has begun!

I am sitting her sniffling, coughing, aching, stuffy head cold and not sleeping, but overall happy that the rain has now begun! Winter is now on the way! I just heard there is already a huge snowstorm in the west! Even though I am sick and it is raining, it is a good day to be sick and stuck inside with my loving husband.

I just can't wait to go snowboarding! I just sit and dream about it sometimes! In just a month or 2 my husband and I should be heading up for the mountains and enjoying the feeling of nature at its finest! I know, but I'm sick; well not for long. We have lots to look forward to because life goes on. I plan to get stronger and better!

Snowboarding is just my way to escape the sickness and my body and feel that feeling of euphoria! A natural high of going very fast through the soft snow and cold air hitting my face making me feel more alive than ever. My husband struggling behind me to keep up, actually we do quite well together in that winter wonderland! I will dream some more about it!