A fun weekend with a little bit of pain.....

I'm used to my daily pains and Saturday was just like any other day; had some pains and dealt with it. Things have been getting better and better with being able to digest foods; don't get me wrong, I still suffer in pain when food is digesting, just more so with certain types of foods. I decided not to eat anything except an Ensure for breakfast and just go with the moment laster on. My husband and I found out about this Pet Expo at the San Mateo Expo Center just that morning on television. He needed to see some sports so I decided to take my neighbor's 13 year old daughter with me to the Expo since I know she loves animals so much. She is also a brain cancer survivor and has the strongest spirit of anyone I have ever met. She is an inspiration.

We had lots of fun at the Expo and among all the things we got to do, we met a Kyra Sundance and her dog Chalsy from the this TV show (Showdog Moms and Dads) I used to watch that came on after "Groomer Has It" on Animal Planet. She has also been on "Pet Star", "The Ellen Degeneres" and other shows. She and Chalsy are the Author's of the Best Selling Book "101 Dog Tricks".

             

There were so many cool booths, demonstrations, products, everything pet related even down to an exhibit of snakes and reptiles, everything pet related, it was here!

After the Expo I took my neighbor's daughter out for some easy to digest food at my local Sushi (Kazoo) Restaurant and I just couldn't help it, I did have some miso soup, a few Cali rolls, and a sweet potato roll. I have to live sometimes and darn it sometimes its worth the pain. How much is it to ask if I could something digest normally? Normally, just the miso soup but I couldn't help it, when my neighbor grabbed at the Sweet Potato roll, I just had a to have a few. That's been my latest addiction lately. It is a California Roll, with shrimp, cucumber and sweet potato with a sweet sauce. So far I have been able to handle those and I limited myself with a total of 3 rolls and my Miso soup. After my neighbor had gone home, my husband returned from watching the games and we watched a movie together. My husband had made some popcorn and I snuck a few bites of popcorn (I love popcorn, just can't digest it) and then about 30 minutes later that's when the pain started. I had an official bowel blockage. I think it was because I didn't drink enough prune juice through out the day.

My stomach swelled up and we just continue to play a waiting game to see if it will fix itself.

Now the Important Decision - To Continue....

Yesterday was supposed to be my 1st day off the chemo pills and perhaps off the chemo for now. I took the very last Etoposide pill on Tuesday night, the very same night of my Avastin infusion. Yippee, I am done with chemo for 1 week at least for now!

As for my diet, I still have to be extremely careful in my food choices. Sometimes I have to admit, I wait too long to eat anything and therefore I'm starving for some real food! and soup, smoothies, Ensures just don't cut it. I just want some REAL, REAL Food. Not pretend food, but REAL food. I get down and dangerous and sometimes will have a sandwich with some cheese on it because I miss cheese so much! Before my initial diagnosis, my diet revolved around cheese. I literally added a little bit of food to my cheese. I love cheese and I sure miss it!

Weaknesses sometimes happens (2-3 times a week) and I pay miserably for that opportunity. While I am enjoying my torture food, it seems worth it until I am suffering in pain. Sometimes, I just want to eat something that I at least like; is that so wrong? Well, this time, in the first time in 8 weeks, I fell off the wagon and had to have some pizza. I just couldn't help it and I had them hold off on the cheese at Mr. Pizza Man across the street. All kinds of cooked veggies with artichokes, sun dried tomatoes, real tomatoes, olives, peppers, brocolli, and more! Now this photo isn't the actual pizza I ate (couldn't find a photo of one that looked like it). It was so delicious and while I only at 3 pieces, I suffered miserably for that decision. My body just isn't ready to eat something so complex and besides I am still suffering from the after effects of the chemo pills. Dumb, dumb mistake.

I always think right before I make a dumb move like that "You only live once". What an excuse. I savor the tastes and the right now of my dumb decision while I try to remember the high lights such as the cheese pulling apart from the other pieces, the textures, the veggies, and the excellent crust. The pain was almost worth it only I am still suffering.

I decided to do an enema today and to double up on the prune juice just to make extra sure the pizza gets through my system. I can still feel the metal from the chemo and that awful feeling of having actual sores and cuts in my insides. It's kind of a beat up feeling and every once in a while, God will decide to punch me square in the stomach and then I double up in disbelief. I know its from the chemo because I am used to this pain, but it is a blockage.

I did get to poo all day long today and really couldn't go too far from a bathroom today. I was in the grocery store and had to run to the bathroom. Thank god I made it! After that, I stayed inside or close by the bathroom. At least most of it is coming out.

CONCERNS ABOUT CONTINUING THE CHEMO

My husband is really worried about me because of the amount of weight that I am loosing. He is seeing more ribs and bones as my size continues to shrink and its concerning him. He feels we need to take a break from the chemo or just stop it all together. He is sick and tired of seeing me doubled up in pain and getting so stoned that I am looking drugged up. The pot is the only thing that is helping me for right now deal with the extreme pains. He also hates watching my National Geographic like intestines do the weird things of swelling up, making horrible explosion sounds as food and stuff try to get through my intestines. I hope to document this for all to see. Its quite fascinating but it scares him. I can tell he hates seeing me suffer like this. Its called love.

Now this is a photo I found on the web of an actual Colostomy Bag. My husband and I have been discussing this solution lately to my intestinal crisis. We are weighing in the benefit of having a colostomy bag. My husband suggested this as I was taking a bath. I started to cry just thinking about having a bag attached to me and having to clean it out several times a day. Having a part of my insides, sticking on the outside of me just like that. It made me feel more vulnerable. He told me "at least you won't have to wipe you ass!". We both cracked up but it is another reality that I just may have to face. Its called the waiting game to see if my intestines will be able to handle digestion.

I plan to be extra careful tomorrow and just stick with my Ensures and possibly a smoothie. Each day is a new day to test my decision making.

Ooooo the Poo out of my feet...What it looks like....

Well early yesterday morning I was up at 2:30am with severe abdominal pains and we honestly thought that I might need to go to the emergency room. I was crying, doubled up in pain and in the fetal position as I was keeping my husband up who also needed to go to work early the next morning. Even though his work day was only for a half day, he would still need to take me to my chemo treatment at 1:30pm.

Sometimes these late night pains pose a problem for him especially if he has to go to work early in the morning. Well this morning was no different as I was forced to get out of bed and to turn on my vaporizer in order to relieve myself of the extreme pain of this abdominal blockage. After inhaling the steam from the vaporizer, I then got incredibly thirsty and so I drank some prune juice, water, and some Miralax. The pain slowly dissipated and I was able to go to the bathroom and relieve myself of the pressure in my abdomen. How pleasant! I hope you consider yourself lucky that your life doesn't revolve around pooping because mine does!

Well I did have chemo yesterday and then directly after my chemo treatment, I went over to the salon (Lynn Kelley) for my Detox Foot Treatment. It has been several weeks since I last got a Foot treatment.

Well I know that I have been meaning to get over there for a treatment but have been so incredibly busy lately that I haven't been over for the treatments (even though she isn't charging me for them) and this is her gift to make me feel better - what a sweet lady she is!

Well now for those disgusting photos of the poop that came out of my feet!

This photo was taken about 8 minutes after the treatment started.
Here is what the detox table said:

DETOX WATER COLORS:
BROWN - LIVER
GREEN - BILE
TURQUOISE/BLUE - HEAVY METALS
BLACK LIQUID - SMOKER
WHITE FOAM - LYMPH
YELLOW ORANGE - JOINTS EXUDATES (INFLAMMATION PRODUCTS)


This photo here was taken towards the end of the 30 minute treatment. Now look at all the foam and believe it or not, most of the color in that was a mixture of blackish blue and some little metal flakes that gathered at the bottom. Boy it was a trippy experience seeing how badly my body needed to rid it self of those toxins! I bet I sleep better tonight!

Ewwwwww! Gross!!! Look at all that stuff! Can you believe that this really did come out of my feet? I am definitely not lying, it really did and this is my evidence. Check out the finished product! It really did look as if I had just done a very nasty diarrhea right there in that tub only it came out of my feet! Wouldn't that be awful to be walking around in your shoes and then all of sudden it feels like your socks are wet and to top it off, white socks are turned to muck? I'm so glad that doesn't actually happen. What's really cool is thank God it doesn't smell like actual poop. I got up the nerve to smell this and it does kind of have a heavy metal, sulfurish smell. Still kinda stinky! Weird, huh?

After my detox, I really did feel an intense light headedness and I felt light on my feet (no I'm not gay, my feet actually felt lighter as I walked). When I walked, I felt as if I were walking on clouds. Now I'm sold. I really encourage others to at least try this form of detox. Another thing that I also notice is that my skin up after such a treatment.

After I got home from my detox treatment, I crashed and burned. I slept several hours and that's just what happens after each infusion treatment. (That's why I didn't get to blog yesterday!) I think its because of the drugs in my chemo. I awoke to seeing this beautiful bouquet of flowers that my husband neatly laid next to the couch (yes I crashed on the couch). These flowers came from my carpool buddies at work. They promised to keep my seat warm for me when I get back on Oct. 21st!
How Sweet! I love you guys!

How Love and Support can help healing.......

On Friday I went to my job to have lunch with a few co-workers who have been concerned about my state of health. It was really great to see many of them as I have missed so many of the hearted faces that I work with.

I never expected that I would make such a difference to so many people's lives and in such a positive way. To me, this means that my life has meaning and this defines success. Life should be about making others feel better and in essence you feeling better that you touched someone else's life in such a way.

Of course I had to take pictures of these gorgeous flowers and the basket which included all of these wonderful items to help me relax and to heal.

What I was very impressed with just looking at this care package is that several people took all of their ideas of what its like to relax from pain or just from the chemo. Some of the items in this care package included a huge bouquet of flowers and then a beautiful basket which included Detox Teas, Lotions, Lavender, beautifully scented candles, Detox Foot Pads, and even some beautiful stones and crystals . All of which made me smile warmly because I knew this basket was full of love.

Just look at all of these items! You know I have gotten baskets from professional gift basket companies and this one was by far the best because it had personalization and love. I knew this just by spending time with my co-workers during lunch as I witnessed the extreme thoughtfulness of each individual. At work, sometimes we have these team building exercises to sort of help all of us work together and this sort of gift basket proved how well everyone in my group worked together.

Now as I experience these pains from the cancer or even better, the chemo killing the cancer (I always imagine the cancer is in pain while I am pain), I get to look at this basket, the flowers and be reminded that all of these wonderful people took the time to try to make me feel better and it works! It does make me feel better! This just makes my heart feel warm inside and the problems associated with my illness seem not so bad. It's just proof of the power of love and compassion. I even got several cards signed by everyone that I work with with personalized messages from everyone. With the scarcity of jobs out there and the economy failing, it really makes me feel good that I have a place in their hearts like that.

NOT DONE YET

That Saturday morning as my husband and I were getting ready to go to the San Jose Bark in the Park, the door bell rang just briefly and my husband answered and then brought in this box. We opened up that box and found another care package from co-workers in another building that I work closely with. It included several personalized cards, some books to read, and movies. It was just another moment of heartwarming feelings and "Awwwwww" "those people I work with". There is just so much heart and warmth where I work and I'm so glad that me smiling (and having plenty to smile about) as I roam the halls actually motivates others in ways that I never understood. I am fighting this disease so hard and they are motivated that I put a face on such a disease that they hope to create that perfect cure.

Yes I get bummed that I was the one god picked to suffer with this disease, but I am glad that I have so many caring people in my life that are my family as far as I am concerned. They too help me in healing process. Its important to have a positive effect on others as you never know when that moment can happen; a life changing event where you get to witness what others can do for you to make you feel better or to just CARE.

I even got such a sweet message from one of the Admins that hit home for me:

1. There are at least two people in this world that you would die for.
2. At least 15 people in this world love you in some way.
3. The only reason anyone would ever hate you is because they want to be just like you.
4. A smile from you can bring happiness to anyone, even if they don't like you.
5. Every night, SOMEONE thinks about you before they go to sleep.
6. You mean the world to some one.
7. You are special and unique.
8. Someone that you don't even know exists loves you.
9. When you make the biggest mistake ever, something good comes from it.
10. When you think the world has turned its back on you take another look.
11. Always remember the compliments you received.

Below are just some of the books (well its looks like Amazon won't let me show you the books) that one co-worker enjoyed so much that she felt that I too could enjoy and so far "The Birth of Venus" has been one of those books that you just can't put down. God Bless my Co-workers! Amazon.com is horrible at trying to display anything on their links. I am able to select the book that I want to display but then once I post it, it turns out that its just an Amazon.com banner and not the actual book. Sometimes the books will show up, but most of the time it is just an annoying yellow banner.

and the pain has returned with a vengence.....

I have a total of 6 more chemo pills before the end of this cycle and the last couple of days I have been waking up in a great deal of pain. The pain feels as if I have rusted metal parts in my intestines which are trying to be digested. My intestines make quite a bit of noise as they try to move the scrap metal through my intestines. Yes, I'm a bit of a hard head sometimes. I didn't eat anything for most of the day yesterday and tried to eat a little bit of a pot pie (just the broth and vegetables) last night but my stomach just couldn't take it.

My friend had brought over some fresh hash for me to smoke yesterday and I smoked a little bit with her and then we went swimming shortly after. The combination of the Hash and swimming helped my body some. The pain had eased a bit, but after the effects wore off after a couple of hours.; I mostly wanted feel the pain outright just so that I could know what my body is facing in this battle. I do that sometimes, just skip of day of pain relief to gauge what my body is facing.

Well today the pain has intensified with a vengeance but I will try to smoke some weed later on today. I'm feeling a little weak today because I haven't really felt like eating with this metal taste in my mouth, the rusted metal churning in my intestines; just makes me want to sleep the day away. True, it makes no sense to continue in pain but I don't plan to be in pain the entire day. I will try to stomach a protein smoothie in a few hours.

I finally had enough of the pain and decided to try the new hash again. Afterwards, I drank a whole glass of prune juice, water, and Miralax and then went on a 3 mile bike ride to the post office. I hurried back as fast as I could and made it to the toilet; Oh boy! The pain relief had just begun! My mouth was so dry and lacking in that awful metal taste in my mouth. Thank god it was gone! I drank 3 glasses of water and a whole glass of Gatoraid and then watched some Keith Olberman at 5pm!

New Water Pipe

I almost forgot! I got one very important errand done yesterday and that was filling up the tank for my husband's truck and getting his truck washed. While the truck was being washed, I walked Blue Belle over to a head shop next door and was amazed at the prices and the variety of water pipes. I really needed a new water pipe in the worst way. A little over a month ago when my disability first started with the chemo, I was cleaning up my kitchen and accidentally knocked over my beloved gorgeous water pipe that my husband and I had originally purchased in Santa Cruz. I watched in horror as the gorgeous pipe fell over onto its side. All of a sudden bong water poured all over my leg and then the beautiful pipe fell into several peaces on my kitchen floor. It was a total loss and I was devastated.

We tried to replace it but the replacement was made of plastic and was too tall. We thought it was pretty and interestingly shaped but it wasn't practical at all and could be knocked over with little effort.

Well this beauty works great and while I do still utilize my Vaporizer, this particular bong is excellent for the instant pain relief. The vaporizer takes about 2 minutes to warm up, I also have to clean out the little canister thing each time and then set up the balloon. It doesn't work well with the hash. The hash needs more heat so the water pipe is perfect so now I don't have to use my little frog pipe.

A Romantic Dinner with my Hubby

My husband took me to my favorite restaurant this evening in downtown Campbell (Aqui Cal-Mex). So far so good, the digesting is a little loud but the Hash certainly helped me out with the pain. I can handle this! It was great to get out together and to show a little PDA. I'm so thankful to have him by my side fighting this battle with me. He makes all the difference in the world and most importantly, he makes me want to keep on fighting!

What's with Disability? and more...

Well today is Tuesday, and I got a letter yesterday from Disability. I have been on Disability since August 18th and I filed that very same day, filled out some forms and even had my doctor fill in some blanks. I got everything approved with my job and now another bump in the road.

I specifically remember filling out a portion of the application that NO I will not be incarcerated during this time and yes, sometimes the chemo can make you feel like your are incarcerated or want to be incarcerated (instead) because you don't feel like doing anything. But its not the same!

I got a letter from EDD that I am to call and answer a question a second time. I guess they just want to make extra sure that I wasn't incarcerated during this time.

Here is the question verbatim:
1. AT ANY TIME DURING YOUR DISABILITY WERE IN THE CUSTODY OF LAW ENFORCEMENT AUTHORITIES BECAUSE YOU WERE CONVICTED OF VIOLATING A LAW OF ORDINANCE? YES____ NO ____

Ok well, I did violate quite a few smoothies, tried with no success to eat regular food, but it is just too painful to digest. I am still trying to eat regular foods that seem like it would be easy to digest because I am so hungry. I am working through the pain of digestion, but I don't think that counts or does it? Maybe I was being too violent when I slurped down my last smoothie. I just never feel violent at all after I smoke some cannabis to help me digest with less pain. I just feel so happy and exactly the opposite. I smile, I laugh, and I feel quite friendly as well.

UPDATE:

Well I finally got on the line (after a very long 15 minute hold) with a very nice man who is also a 2 cancer survivor and he said my check will be in the mail tomorrow for 21 days (after I answered the question that NO I was not incarcerated at all during this time). Not sure how much I will get but enough to help my husband pay some of the these bills. Thank god!

This always happens. Last year, I was on disability for just a month while I was hospitalized and it took over 3 months to get a check. I can't get over the state being that slow to pay the working poor when they really need the money.

Well last night was very hard for me to sleep; I started getting an abdominal blockage which was very painful and I couldn't sleep on my stomach because it was so swollen and it felt like I had a bunch of scrap rusty metal that I was trying to digest (it felt like I had a dead weight in my stomach). I woke up and smoked some hash and then drank 2 glasses of prune juice and Miralax. My mouth was so cottony dry from the Hash that I drank those glasses up pretty fast at 2:15am. By 4 am the blockage was finally starting to clear and I was going number 2 every 1/2 hour or so.

My stomach feels a little sore and a bit beat up but nothing a little POT can't fix. It's definitely the chemo pill getting to my system. I have 8 more chemo pills to take in this session and I will have a chemo infusion of the Avastin next week. I have hit the days where I will wake up feeling like I was in a bar fight the night before. Here's to getting through the next 8 days!

Toonces may Rest in Peace Now.....

Toonces the Driving Cat
(It's Official)
Rest in Peace you wonderful soul
6/98 - 9/13/08

I finally got the phone call from the Silicon Valley Humane Society that I had dreaded getting should it happen. Toonces was humanely euthanized this morning. Despite this news, I have to say "bless their hearts", the staff really made the news seem not so bad and they were so incredibly caring and thoughtful. I choked up and agreed with the girl on the phone. He did have a wonderful life and even though my husband and I felt guilty, we knew we made the right decision. We could not let this wonderful cat suffer any longer just for the sake of him surviving and breathing.

I will continue to support this wonderful organization and I will even dedicate a whole page to them and the wonderful things that they do for animals in the upcoming Good Kharma Newsletter. You will be able to download a copy on this blog as well as the Website ShoppingKharma.

I was told that they had came to the solution of euthanasia after a few professionals consulted on what really was best for Toonces. It came down to the fact that YES he was in fact in pain and surely he did not deserve to suffer. Well, he isn't suffering anymore, he's at the Rainbow Bridge, where all animals goes when they pass on. What a wonderful cat he was; he had lived a wonderful loving life with us and we will never every forget him!

My First Poker Run?

Well not yet. My husband and I were considering going on a Poker Run but we ended up going to see a good friend of mine's son play in a little league game. We rode my husband's Harley up to see the game and it was a smooth ride. We rode on the highway (280 N- 85N, to 101 North) which was a big challenge for me. I didn't freeze up in fear on the way there; it was actually an exhilarating ride. Her son's team won the game and afterwards we continued on our motorcycle ride back to the South Bay.

I had one terrifying moment on the bike when I moved back a little far on the seat. I thought my butt might have slipped off the seat a little too much and I froze in terror. I held onto my husband as tight as I could without messing up his balance on the bike. At one particular moment, I thought I was about to slide right off the bike. I got over the fear shortly after by thinking of other things. I got through that one terrifying moment by gently sliding up once we had slowed down to switch highways. I really wish my husband had a Bitch Bar (I think I heard it called that before - It's that bar on the back of a Harley that the back passenger can lean on without falling off the bike) on the back of his bike!

Once we got off the highway, we then stopped for a biker party at our local pub (Ike's Lounge). There must have been over 200 bikes parked there and so many beauties! I saw one bike that looked like it had a very comfy Bitch bar that I wished was on my husband's bike. We got inside and a live band was playing. The singer sounded a lot like Janis Joplin and she had some serious lungs. I was impressed! Afterwards, all who had tickets were awarded with awesome prizes. One guy even got some really cool Harley Boots in his actual size of boot, another woman won the coolest leather jacket, and tons of other neat prizes.

The afternoon spent with my husband, was wonderful that we made some good memories together despite loosing old Toonce. In all we got to enjoy some real quality time together. These days, its important to take one day at a time and to enjoy each and every day as a blessing! Sure, you can feel sorrow but do move and live on!

Was I Wrong? It's all about the cat.....

I called the Silicon Valley Humane Society yesterday around 3:30pm completely nervous and on the verge of tears. My heart was just ready to stop at any moment. I still feel completely guilty for having to relinguish my beloved pet, but it was for his own good. Right now, he really needs some special care that I am unable to provide him with.

In addition to all the care that he requires, he needs to have his bottom cleaned several times a day (he had a sex change operation due to Cystitus) from the crystals that still form in his urine. He is also over weight and I had tried for years to get him to loose weight with no success. He also needs to be the only pet in the household because of his extreme jealously issues.

He was also very angry that we had even brought home a dog several years ago. It was stressful for all of us that he peeed in the house. We would get mad at him for peeing in the house, by yelling at him and sometimes regretfully popping him on the butt which is completely wrong.

We would always feel guilty and for a right reason after our anger would get the best of us. He would continue to pee in the house and in front of the TV and even just in front of us and it was no way to live. I need to reduce stress for me, not create it.

We also had to make sure that we put a tarp on our bed each and every day or he would jump up on the bed and accidentally pee on the bed. He didn't mean to pee on the bed, he just leaked most of the time due to his operation. He leaked pretty much every where and it was very stressful for all of us that our house smelled just like a litter box no matter how much we tried to clean it up. Its just starting to smell like a house again now that he is no longer in the house.

It was time to do the right thing for him and believe me, we thought of many ideas for solutions just so that we could keep him. I even considered getting a kitty cage for him but the weight issue was the hardest. I couldn't for the life of me get him to loose a third of his weight. Cats are hard like that especially when they get up in years. I couldn't get him to loose weight to save my life or his!

I had just found out that he passed his health examination for which were not at all prepared for! When I dropped him off, the girl at the front desk nearly assured me that he would not suffer anymore. More than likely if he was in pain for which I was extremely convinced that he was; he would be humanely euthanized. I pretty much assumed it and my heart nearly stopped as I was awaiting to find out about Animal#62767.

After he passed his health examination, the doctors felt they could help improve his cystitus disorder. He is on a different form of antibiotics, a different diet (Hills CD diet), an exercise program, and is currently being tested for any behavior flaws which might jeopardize his potential adoption. He now has a chance now at a new life as a senior. The Silicon Valley Humane Society is giving Toonces (Animal ID# 62767) a chance to loose weight, a new diet, and a new home. This cheered me up for once on September 11th. What a great way to end my day as I was saddened as well about September 11th.

Here he is just after I had finished my first round of chemo (Taxol and Carboplatinum). You can see my hair just starting to come back.

He helped me so much through out my initial diagnosis. I will never forget him and I hope someone gives him the best home he could ever ask for. He deserves so much and I feel bad that I couldn't offer that for him but it was the best thing for him and for me. We already have a cat and a dog which is plenty for us to take care of.



The other two (Blue Belle and Tonto) are doing just fine now. I have been walking Tonto several times a day with Blue Belle because he doesn't quite like being in the house alone just yet. He has to loose a third of his weight too and I feel that it will be easier for me to get him to loose weight now. Tonto also used to go and try to eat Toonces food once Toonces would leave his bowl and I think this helped contribute to more weight. Both animals are just now accepting that Toonces is gone.

It really was stressful for both of them when ever Toonces was bad and peeed in the house. They would hide when ever we got mad at him and sometimes when Toonces would squat to pee, you could see both of them hide as if they were the ones peeing in the house. In all, I feel a huge weight has been lifted of my back and I'm really happy that Toonces gets another chance. I am still working on the article in the Good Kharma Newsletter with a huge spread on Toonces the Driving Cat!

Hair Falling Out Slowly

I am just noticing that my hair is starting to thin a little more each day. I still have hair legs but it looks a little like my hair in all places is starting to thin a little more. In the shower a significant amount came out in my hand this morning. I knew I had to face this soon and I'm still thankful for so much! Its really not a big deal and I'm still the beautiful person I am inside as my loving husband continues to assure me.

Despite a very devastating day.....

Rest in Peace "Old Toonces". I certainly will miss this old Man. He was the dominant force in our household all these years.

Toonce the Poonce! R.I.P.
6/98 - 9/9/08

I had to make a very hard, hard decision yesterday to put this old man to sleep. I took him to the Silicon Valley Humane Society so that he could have a least a chance at a new home. It just wasn't fair for me to keep him if I can't give him the care that he needs. The girl that I spoke with, thought too that he might be suffering in pain.

The good thing is, that he isn't suffering anymore and its a shame that this form of humanity isn't performed on more patients who are miserably suffering in pain. Some people and animals are ready for their next journey and they certainly have a right to keep their dignity and to end their suffering. What are we to say, what is best for them when they feel it in their hearts?

This old guy is no longer suffering and I miss him so. I just wrote a really long good article in the Good Kharma Newsletter which is due out September 21st. A tribute to this old fellow for whom I will never ever forget and I'm sure so many others who have met him before won't. Rest in Peace Old Man!

I was able to go and get my Etoposide pills yesterday and took one last night. I smoked a bowl right after I started to feel nauseated and that nasty metal taste started coming up and hurting my throat. I no longer feel it and am able to drink some more water, cranberry, and MyraLax.

I also had a friend from work call me to let me know that everyone is thinking of me and that they are wishing for a full recovery for me. It does make me feel good that others are thinking of me so positively. I have others that tell me that I inspire them and I'm glad that I do! The better others feel about the life, the better I feel. I don't want anyone to feel bad for me, just feel happy for what you do have and I assure anyone that I am happy for all that I have (not the cancer), but all the wonderful people and animals in my life that make me feel better.

RESULTS OF MY DOCTOR VISIT (Today at noon)

My husband and I walked hand in hand to see my oncologists today. He had some very good news for us to hear and what we so desperately needed to hear.
The chemo is working so far, so good. My CA125 was at 77 just prior to the chemo treatments and on August 28th, it was at 35. (These results were from the last blood test)
On September 2nd, I had a treatment of Avastin and yesterday, September 8th, I had my 1st Chemo pill of Etoposide to start my 2 weeks on, 1 week off. Before my next treatment of Avastin, I will get another blood test to see if the chemo has knocked the cancer count down some more!

We also looked at my most recent x-ray to find out if he thought that I would require another colonoscopy due to the blood in my recent fecal sample (I get to loose all dignity here). He showed us the x-ray to prove that most everyone has an intestine which handles digesting food much like and accordion; however mine is much different, just as everyone else's bends around in so many ways, mine takes a long time to move things around. The tumors blocked the movements needed for my intestines to actually digest foods. The simple foods like the smoothies are easier for my system to digest so I will have to continue to keep it simple. Just can't eat all that I want right now, but I am still alive! We can travel if we want to but we must be careful. I personally don't wish to fly without my pain meds for fear of the severe pain and of getting arrested for having to alleviate my pain. True I don't pose a danger to anyone, but government bureaucracy poses a serious danger for me. For now, my family will have to visit us.

Living in the now in NO Pain.....

A very good friend of mine took this photo of me on Saturday. The blanket here was made by some wonderful ladies from the Breast Cancer Support Forum on Breast Cancer.org. Each square was made by a cancer survivor in the US and then sent to one centrally located breast cancer survivor who knitted all of the loving squares together. I plan to write about this wonderful group of ladies in my upcoming Good Kharma Newsletter due out September 21st.

Granted despite the devastating Cancer diagnosis I am cursed with, I do have plenty to be happy about. I'm very happy to be alive and I have lots of caring friends and family who also give me plenty to smile and/or laugh about. The love from my husband also gives me plenty to smile about.

My scars don't really look so bad and its quite hard to believe that I have been cut open 4 times in the same exact spot. This is why we know that our Oncologist really does care. He cared enough to sew me back up the same way each time I had to be opened up. Despite all of this, can you believe that I still find the times to laugh and I have plenty to laugh about.

In this battle for my life, my husband and I still struggle with my intestines still unable to digest even simple food without the roaring sound of pain.

I ordered these Protein shakes which don't really taste all that good until I'm quite stoned. Then my mouth is dry and I'm very hungry (enough to drink them). They have vitamins that my body needs to heal me and to get what it needs to survive.

Just recently, I have tried to eat food a few times and it does cause me great pain, but nothing that a little hash can't alleviate and that's the magic. Sure my stomach still roars and causes me great pain, however the hash is still working strong and helping to eliminate that horrible pain. Sometimes it even calms down all the noise in my intestines to the point that they are not struggling as much. The pain does eventually return and I have to deal with it each time, but those moments of being pain free help me to fully function; it gives me that quality of life that I so need.

So far I have gained 3 lbs in just a few days. We are scheduled to meet with my oncologist on Wednesday at noon to discuss the next plan of action.

Should we just cut to the chase and have a colostomy bag inserted so that I don't have to worry so much about my bowels and intestines actually working. What next for chemo? Do we continue, was it a mistake that there were NO refills on the Etoposide? Perhaps another chemo plan of action? I would be lying if I said I wasn't nervous about the meeting and I often am. I am really scared of how much time I have and I don't want to know, I just want to continue to live in the now and believe in my heart that I will heal eventually or perhaps even be cured.

Hashish?....Instant Pain Relief..........

I managed to keep myself pretty busy on this very, very hot over 100 degree day and I even managed to keep the house cool enough all day long!

One thing that had to be done was to call my Chemo doctor and I was able to leave a message for him concerning the stool sample (internal bleeding) and if I should continue on the Etoposide despite the internal bleeding or should we just take a little break, find out the reason for the internal bleeding, etc.

I was in pretty bad pain when I first awoke this morning and it was as if I had digested a bunch of razor blades during the night. I felt pretty battered and beat up and could barely stand up straight without doubling up in pain. I know that the pain is due to the abdominal blockages that keep occurring despite all that I am doing to keep the blockages free (Myralax, stool softeners, enemas, soft easy to digest foods, and suppositories).

The blockages are still occurring and the pain keeps me on edge. Sometimes I am unable to function because of this pain and I just feel like laying around, trying to find the most comfortable pain free position. I know there is plenty to do (in life in general) but the pain in my intestines will freeze my body enough so that I am just laying on the couch as time just flies by.

My good friend (I have to protect her privacy) but she continues to help me and I'm so thankful for such a good friend and a soul. She brought me over some really good pot and some really good hash to try out. I'm not really familiar with the process of making hash, but this was made with water? It's call water Hash? There's some sort of process for making the stuff.

The best way for me to smoke the Hash (currently) is with my glass pipe (my younger brother got me this pipe for my Birthday last year.) I was in pretty bad pain and the actual pain that I can feel is that I am bleeding internally. (that's the best way that I can describe it)

Sometimes, I try so hard to pretend that I'm not really in such bad pain when I am around my friends and family. I really hate for them or anyone to have see that I am suffering in pain. I know it kills my husband, my father, my mother, brother, and many, many friends. It really hurts and it sucks to have to feel this pain almost constantly. Sometimes I have to admit that I do get angry at God for putting me in such pain. I will plead with him/her that I don't deserve this pain and to please STOP IT!! Please?

I can relieve myself of the pain somewhat with my vaporizer and some really strong pot, but this was like no other feeling. I smoked the hash with my friend and for her, it was much different. She just felt very mellow and quiet. My pain dissipated completely; so much so that we actually went outside and swam some laps in my pool. I felt absolutely wonderful! To be so pain free!! I really haven't felt this feeling in such a long time, months perhaps. Awwww! That pain in my stomach; gone!!!! For that, I thank GOD for the pain relief. OH!!!! I'M SO THANKFUL!!!!!!!!!

I didn't feel the pain in my intestines at all and I felt absolutely wonderful; happy and most importantly, I didn't feel myself bleeding internally!!!!!!! Sure, I was forgetful, spacey, and perhaps a little goofy (my friend laughed at me some and I admit I do get myself laughing so hard that my ribs hurt just a little bit!). But what's the harm? No Pain:), and I felt the gain of confidence to actually be able to accomplish a few things today like cleaning, doing laundry, and all the things that I was doubled up on the couch unable to do.

If this isn't proof of medicinal value and evidence, not sure what else to there is to prove except, what a miracle and what a miracle drug this is! I love life and as far as I'm concerned, this is saving my life. I definitely without a doubt feel in my heart that I could never harm anyone, no matter what. As I go through the pains of cancer (that I often suffer from), I like to feel that I am taking the pain for children that don't deserve it, and for my friends and family.

Almost forgot! I actually slurped and finished a whole nasty protein shake! I also drank 3 in a row, of cranberry juice and water with Miralax! I also drank my Prune Juice and it sure made my prune juice taste yummy and usually my prune juice is never yummy, ever! My mouth was that dry? Imagine that?

Sometimes after awaking from an Etoposide pill, I suffer from a metal taste (metals from the chemo drugs) in my mouth. (after vaporizing, I noticed that the metal taste was gone - completely!) Wow!!! More proof of Medicinal Value!-)

Please do visit this site as well:
http://www.freetainted.com/weblog/topics/about

These are true heroes for us patients. If the federal Government continues to prosecute the undangerous citizens (clearly NOT terrorists). These humans are loving, caring, and concerned citizens who help the sick and they are prosecuted? What kind of world do we live in?

To Continue the Chemo.....internal bleeding..

I got a phone call yesterday evening concerning a stool sample I had submitted about 2 weeks ago. It is positive for blood which means that I do have some internal bleeding going on somewhere in.

Much of what I write about in this journey of cancer is all true and to the point and may contain more information than one would want to read about. In all, I only hope that anyone reading any of this, that you are able to look at your life much differently than before and that perhaps you won't sweat the small things in your life like paying bills, going to work, handling specific projects or what ever is going on in your life. Each and every day for me is a battle of combating severe pain. I do my very best each and every day and that's pretty much all I can do at this point. Quality of life is key.

I just hope in all that my life does matter and that I am able to affect one's life in a very positive way. We all need to find a happiness and to not feel stressful all the time. We don't need to cause stress to someone else's life. What a miserable feeling! I almost get a high off of making someone else laugh. My happiness in my life is my loving husband.

So Now back to my stool sample.

What an adventure that was to get! I got the kit the same day that I went in for my blood sample just prior to my first chemo for this set of treatments. The kit for my shit came in a little pouch where you fold out what looks like one of those sanitary doilies that you put on a toilet seat so you don't have your ass touch where someone else's ass has been. The only difference being that you have to lift the lid, fold out the paper so that you can poo on the paper without it being contaminated by the water or your pee. Place the lid on top of the paper and "shoots away"! At the time, that I had been advised to get a stool sample, I did notice my poo as being black in color. This is indication of internal bleeding.

It took me about 5 days to try and get that one sample. Day 1, I was constipated and nothing was coming out. Day 2, I doubled up on the stool Softeners, Miralax, and the suppositories. and finally, I got the stool sample kit, instructions read, paper folded out to make a clean catch or so I thought. It seriously took some work to accomplish all of that. I wasn't prepared for the heavy weight of the poo. The poo hit the paper and as I struggled with the spoon that comes in a little bottle for which I had a difficult time finding inside the cap. The bottle clearly stated to not open the cap, but the spoon was on the outside of the lid. I just had the tiny spoon in hand ready to make a clean catch as I watched in horror as my poo did a gymnastic move on the paper and then it lost its balance on the very edge of the paper and then it plopped into the toilet with the rest of my pee. It was now contaminated and so I needed to wait until I could get another sample. Day 3 and 4 didn't work, but finally on Day 5 I got my opportunity. I pooed, it plopped perfect on the paper and I was ready before it did the gymnastic move into the toilet! I followed the directions, gathered my little sample, packaged it up and place it in the mail.

I just got the results for which my poop was positive for blood. This means that I have some internal bleeding going on which does make sense for all the pain I am suffering, but no worries, its nothing pot can't fix.

My Primary Doctor told me that I will require a colonoscopy. I don't have too many bad memories of those and have had 2 or 3 in the past 5 years and 9 months (11/15/02). I do know that they give you a drug that makes your memory of the whole experience of having a camera guided up your ass.

Now for the Internal Bleeding we are concerned if I should continue with the Etoposide. I have yet to get it refilled. I do plan to talk with my Chemo doctor tomorrow to find out if he thinks it is safe for me to continue on the Etoposide knowing that I have some internal bleeding.

I go through a tremendous amount of pain each day in my intestines despite the diet I am on. It seems everything is a struggle to digest even those boring, gross PediaSures, but just found out that I got the wrong stuff and that's why I am still loosing some weight. I finally reached 125 lbs today and am in dire need of gaining weight. With my frame, I look much healthier when I'm above 130lbs. I can see the bones in my spine and my rib cage.

I haven't received my other chemo pills (Etoposide) and it could be due to the blood in my stool sample. I won't know until I speak with my chemo doctor if I will be able to continue on the Etoposide chemo treatments. I did wait at the Pharmacy for over 2 hours for them to tell me that they can't get in touch with my chemo doctor and therefore I can't get any chemo pills. It could be a good thing to not get the chemo pills because perhaps they are the source of my internal bleeding and sudden weight loss.

My 2nd Chemo Treatment and more!

I just woke up from a huge nap after being konked out from the Benadryl for which I have take just prior to my infusion. This helps keep me from getting a serious allergic reaction to the chemo. I had the mistake of a chemo treatment made during lunch which meant I got to sick in my chemo chair an extra hour and a half. When I initially arrived for my 12:15pm chemo treatment both check in windows were closed so I helped myself and walked right through the door to find someone who could check me and get that chemo started.

A very nice woman helped check me in and found me a chemo chair to sit in right across from 2 other cancer patients. A half hour later I got my IV and it took 2 hours to get my actual chemo drug (everyone was at lunch). I tried to take a picture of my hairy legs but yes, my camera is very shitty as await the real deal (Nikon D80 - Back ordered since May 1st, 2008) from Razz Photo Camera. Every time I do call about the camera they say the exact same thing each time - "6 more weeks".

You can tell my camera is pretty crappy because not one of my long black hairs on my legs even showed on even 1 photo of 9, and this is the very best? It's almost as if I photoshopped all the hair on legs to make them look smooth. Well, I went into photoshop and drew in the hairs that didn't really show up. Wow! Looks like a sign on my legs! I wonder if it means anything?

Finally at 3pm, the IV for the chemo drug was empty. It didn't beep, but I made it clear to anyone that walked by, that I was ready to home.

My husband came and picked me up and took me home where I crashed and burned.

What Did I DO for Labor Day?

I had a good friend stop by with her boyfriend and one of his friends on their motorycycles (Harleys). We went on a bike ride attempting to ride up Highway 9 up towards Santa Cruz on some curvy fun roads. She took a photo of me riding with my husband which I hope to post soon (as soon as I get the photos). We had some fun despite 5 minutes down the road, we noticed our friends were not behind us. We stopped and waited for about 5 minutes and then we turned around to check on them. Sure enough further down the road, one of the older custom bikes had a broken clutch cable.

My husband utilized his 2006 Dyna Street Bob flashers on that dangerous curvy road which made me nervous as some more inexperienced drivers flew past us. We had one really nice biker stop by to try to help us, but then me and my husband called a friend to see if he had a tool to make a temporary fix since most bike shops are closed on Monday's particularly Labor Day. We rode on our little adventure to go get a clutch cable for a bike that would need a custom long one at least 18" hangers. We rode over to his friends house to use a cable intended for a trike. I put the cable in my jacket around my neck. Sounds scary huh? It was fun, we got the part, they were able to fix and then we went home. The important thing is we got to get out and spend a good quality day together which what really counts. We made some good memories!