WARNING: Some of the Content here may be Objectionable to some. I have this blog labeled as "Adult Only" as a common courtesy for those who may easily be offended by Adult topics such as the Truth, Down to Earth topics, realities of living with Ovarian Cancer and/or any life threatening disease that goes along with it; Sexuality, Medicinal Cannabis, Profanity, and of course plenty of unpleasant body functions are also discussed here. This is a very tough battle for which I don't intend to hold anything back on what I am facing.

This blog is very personal and comes from the heart of a real fighting cancer patient who wishes nothing more than to live for all of those I love my own will to live, and my love of life. While sometimes I might be on heavy medication (prescribed by my doctor) and occasionally I might write about things or subjects that one may never even think about or consider; so please consider that as well. Yes; whacked out things might even be found here; but I mean everything in all good intentions.

This blog is not at all intended for the faint hearted, those who lack a sense of humor, have no idea what down to earth means, greedy mean people, and/or those who don't know how to share the world with others, and especially those who are unable to easily put themselves into the shoes of others. This blog is mostly about my journey of living my life in the best ways that I can under the Golden Rule and appreciating all of the GOOD KHARMA that comes my way! Never take anything in this world for granted; especially family and friends!

Thursday, September 25, 2008

Now the Important Decision - To Continue....

Yesterday was supposed to be my 1st day off the chemo pills and perhaps off the chemo for now. I took the very last Etoposide pill on Tuesday night, the very same night of my Avastin infusion. Yippee, I am done with chemo for 1 week at least for now!

As for my diet, I still have to be extremely careful in my food choices. Sometimes I have to admit, I wait too long to eat anything and therefore I'm starving for some real food! and soup, smoothies, Ensures just don't cut it. I just want some REAL, REAL Food. Not pretend food, but REAL food. I get down and dangerous and sometimes will have a sandwich with some cheese on it because I miss cheese so much! Before my initial diagnosis, my diet revolved around cheese. I literally added a little bit of food to my cheese. I love cheese and I sure miss it!

Weaknesses sometimes happens (2-3 times a week) and I pay miserably for that opportunity. While I am enjoying my torture food, it seems worth it until I am suffering in pain. Sometimes, I just want to eat something that I at least like; is that so wrong? Well, this time, in the first time in 8 weeks, I fell off the wagon and had to have some pizza. I just couldn't help it and I had them hold off on the cheese at Mr. Pizza Man across the street. All kinds of cooked veggies with artichokes, sun dried tomatoes, real tomatoes, olives, peppers, brocolli, and more! Now this photo isn't the actual pizza I ate (couldn't find a photo of one that looked like it). It was so delicious and while I only at 3 pieces, I suffered miserably for that decision. My body just isn't ready to eat something so complex and besides I am still suffering from the after effects of the chemo pills. Dumb, dumb mistake.

I always think right before I make a dumb move like that "You only live once". What an excuse. I savor the tastes and the right now of my dumb decision while I try to remember the high lights such as the cheese pulling apart from the other pieces, the textures, the veggies, and the excellent crust. The pain was almost worth it only I am still suffering.

I decided to do an enema today and to double up on the prune juice just to make extra sure the pizza gets through my system. I can still feel the metal from the chemo and that awful feeling of having actual sores and cuts in my insides. It's kind of a beat up feeling and every once in a while, God will decide to punch me square in the stomach and then I double up in disbelief. I know its from the chemo because I am used to this pain, but it is a blockage.

I did get to poo all day long today and really couldn't go too far from a bathroom today. I was in the grocery store and had to run to the bathroom. Thank god I made it! After that, I stayed inside or close by the bathroom. At least most of it is coming out.


My husband is really worried about me because of the amount of weight that I am loosing. He is seeing more ribs and bones as my size continues to shrink and its concerning him. He feels we need to take a break from the chemo or just stop it all together. He is sick and tired of seeing me doubled up in pain and getting so stoned that I am looking drugged up. The pot is the only thing that is helping me for right now deal with the extreme pains. He also hates watching my National Geographic like intestines do the weird things of swelling up, making horrible explosion sounds as food and stuff try to get through my intestines. I hope to document this for all to see. Its quite fascinating but it scares him. I can tell he hates seeing me suffer like this. Its called love.

Now this is a photo I found on the web of an actual Colostomy Bag. My husband and I have been discussing this solution lately to my intestinal crisis. We are weighing in the benefit of having a colostomy bag. My husband suggested this as I was taking a bath. I started to cry just thinking about having a bag attached to me and having to clean it out several times a day. Having a part of my insides, sticking on the outside of me just like that. It made me feel more vulnerable. He told me "at least you won't have to wipe you ass!". We both cracked up but it is another reality that I just may have to face. Its called the waiting game to see if my intestines will be able to handle digestion.

I plan to be extra careful tomorrow and just stick with my Ensures and possibly a smoothie. Each day is a new day to test my decision making.

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My techniques and treatments work simply for me and may not produce the same results for others. Cancer is a very tricky disease in which it is very different in everyone it touches. No two cancers are the same just as we humans are not the same. What works for me may not work for others.

I love life and expect to live for as long as I can. I intend to use those treatments that do work for me which includes medicinal cannabis. I'm still alive with this disease over 7 years later because of this miracle plant and as long as I have my medicine available; I intend to survive many more years. I hope one day the Federal Government will eventually grow up and be led by true leaders who represent the people and not just coorporations; real people who live by the Golden Rule "treat others how you would want to be treated". I also hope the Government of the US can finally learn to admit that it has made a mortal mistake in making this life saving plant which is provided by GOD and does indeed have the ability to provide all of us with food, fuel, clothing, shelter, and medicine; a mistake that have made is that it is illegal. Yes, it was a mistake out of greed, ignorance, and racism that this miracle plant is illegal. This is a confirmed fact and we should all know and face it.

Cannabis is not at all harmful and in fact quite the opposite. Perhaps our economy can once again grow as it has in the turn of the century by making this life saving plant legal once again.

The contents of this blog including all images, (except images from third parties) and the name "Shopping Kharma - what comes around goes around" belong and copyrighted to C. Jayne Armstrong 2008-2010
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