Now the Important Decision - To Continue....

Yesterday was supposed to be my 1st day off the chemo pills and perhaps off the chemo for now. I took the very last Etoposide pill on Tuesday night, the very same night of my Avastin infusion. Yippee, I am done with chemo for 1 week at least for now!

As for my diet, I still have to be extremely careful in my food choices. Sometimes I have to admit, I wait too long to eat anything and therefore I'm starving for some real food! and soup, smoothies, Ensures just don't cut it. I just want some REAL, REAL Food. Not pretend food, but REAL food. I get down and dangerous and sometimes will have a sandwich with some cheese on it because I miss cheese so much! Before my initial diagnosis, my diet revolved around cheese. I literally added a little bit of food to my cheese. I love cheese and I sure miss it!

Weaknesses sometimes happens (2-3 times a week) and I pay miserably for that opportunity. While I am enjoying my torture food, it seems worth it until I am suffering in pain. Sometimes, I just want to eat something that I at least like; is that so wrong? Well, this time, in the first time in 8 weeks, I fell off the wagon and had to have some pizza. I just couldn't help it and I had them hold off on the cheese at Mr. Pizza Man across the street. All kinds of cooked veggies with artichokes, sun dried tomatoes, real tomatoes, olives, peppers, brocolli, and more! Now this photo isn't the actual pizza I ate (couldn't find a photo of one that looked like it). It was so delicious and while I only at 3 pieces, I suffered miserably for that decision. My body just isn't ready to eat something so complex and besides I am still suffering from the after effects of the chemo pills. Dumb, dumb mistake.

I always think right before I make a dumb move like that "You only live once". What an excuse. I savor the tastes and the right now of my dumb decision while I try to remember the high lights such as the cheese pulling apart from the other pieces, the textures, the veggies, and the excellent crust. The pain was almost worth it only I am still suffering.

I decided to do an enema today and to double up on the prune juice just to make extra sure the pizza gets through my system. I can still feel the metal from the chemo and that awful feeling of having actual sores and cuts in my insides. It's kind of a beat up feeling and every once in a while, God will decide to punch me square in the stomach and then I double up in disbelief. I know its from the chemo because I am used to this pain, but it is a blockage.

I did get to poo all day long today and really couldn't go too far from a bathroom today. I was in the grocery store and had to run to the bathroom. Thank god I made it! After that, I stayed inside or close by the bathroom. At least most of it is coming out.

CONCERNS ABOUT CONTINUING THE CHEMO

My husband is really worried about me because of the amount of weight that I am loosing. He is seeing more ribs and bones as my size continues to shrink and its concerning him. He feels we need to take a break from the chemo or just stop it all together. He is sick and tired of seeing me doubled up in pain and getting so stoned that I am looking drugged up. The pot is the only thing that is helping me for right now deal with the extreme pains. He also hates watching my National Geographic like intestines do the weird things of swelling up, making horrible explosion sounds as food and stuff try to get through my intestines. I hope to document this for all to see. Its quite fascinating but it scares him. I can tell he hates seeing me suffer like this. Its called love.

Now this is a photo I found on the web of an actual Colostomy Bag. My husband and I have been discussing this solution lately to my intestinal crisis. We are weighing in the benefit of having a colostomy bag. My husband suggested this as I was taking a bath. I started to cry just thinking about having a bag attached to me and having to clean it out several times a day. Having a part of my insides, sticking on the outside of me just like that. It made me feel more vulnerable. He told me "at least you won't have to wipe you ass!". We both cracked up but it is another reality that I just may have to face. Its called the waiting game to see if my intestines will be able to handle digestion.

I plan to be extra careful tomorrow and just stick with my Ensures and possibly a smoothie. Each day is a new day to test my decision making.