Living in the now in NO Pain.....

A very good friend of mine took this photo of me on Saturday. The blanket here was made by some wonderful ladies from the Breast Cancer Support Forum on Breast Cancer.org. Each square was made by a cancer survivor in the US and then sent to one centrally located breast cancer survivor who knitted all of the loving squares together. I plan to write about this wonderful group of ladies in my upcoming Good Kharma Newsletter due out September 21st.

Granted despite the devastating Cancer diagnosis I am cursed with, I do have plenty to be happy about. I'm very happy to be alive and I have lots of caring friends and family who also give me plenty to smile and/or laugh about. The love from my husband also gives me plenty to smile about.

My scars don't really look so bad and its quite hard to believe that I have been cut open 4 times in the same exact spot. This is why we know that our Oncologist really does care. He cared enough to sew me back up the same way each time I had to be opened up. Despite all of this, can you believe that I still find the times to laugh and I have plenty to laugh about.

In this battle for my life, my husband and I still struggle with my intestines still unable to digest even simple food without the roaring sound of pain.

I ordered these Protein shakes which don't really taste all that good until I'm quite stoned. Then my mouth is dry and I'm very hungry (enough to drink them). They have vitamins that my body needs to heal me and to get what it needs to survive.

Just recently, I have tried to eat food a few times and it does cause me great pain, but nothing that a little hash can't alleviate and that's the magic. Sure my stomach still roars and causes me great pain, however the hash is still working strong and helping to eliminate that horrible pain. Sometimes it even calms down all the noise in my intestines to the point that they are not struggling as much. The pain does eventually return and I have to deal with it each time, but those moments of being pain free help me to fully function; it gives me that quality of life that I so need.

So far I have gained 3 lbs in just a few days. We are scheduled to meet with my oncologist on Wednesday at noon to discuss the next plan of action.

Should we just cut to the chase and have a colostomy bag inserted so that I don't have to worry so much about my bowels and intestines actually working. What next for chemo? Do we continue, was it a mistake that there were NO refills on the Etoposide? Perhaps another chemo plan of action? I would be lying if I said I wasn't nervous about the meeting and I often am. I am really scared of how much time I have and I don't want to know, I just want to continue to live in the now and believe in my heart that I will heal eventually or perhaps even be cured.