Out of the hospital and not out of the woods....

Well what exactly does that mean? Well, I am happy that we were able to get out of the hospital on Sunday evening around 7pm. See it was already dark when I got released as you tell by my honey and pup anxiously looking out the window of my room. What cute butts! Those are with out a doubt the cutest butts I have ever seen!)

It was such a hard day; I had 2 blood transfusions to go through that day and lots of sticks and prods and torturing of veins; I also had to get rid of the picc line (the doctor had believed that it was contaminated and it was time to be removed= yippee!) - duh, well it was removed on Saturday; so a good night that was even though I have 2 IVs in my arm; but I am now officially tubeless and bagless! It sure has felt good to not be walking around with IV poles and such too! I'm not taking that for granted all! or shit tubes hanging out my nose for all to see! I had such a nice little white Hitler stash to make funny faces at my husband on Skype. (Last Saturday night!) At first when I was told it was going to be removed I cried and cried because I thought I was going to have to get another one immediately placed in my left arm in order to replace the one in my right arm. I was even hyperventilating and everything; so it's always good to not always assume things. My honey was so quick to point that out and to calm me down on that (the many reasons I'm so grateful to have him as my husband)! Now I am super glad to be rid of that thing! I can actually turn and sleep on both sides now with out worrying I'm bending a tube inside my arm and no telling what kind of artery damage that could cause? Ick can't even begin to imagine! Don't pay so much attention to how boney my arms are (I'm already determined to gain some weight the healthy way!). The picc line area is healing so nicely and I plan to remove this bandage in the shower later on.

No more having to go the infusion department each and every week to get the dressing changed, no more having to flush it each day, and no more itching like a bitch. OMG did that thing itch!(; it drove me absolutely insane! If I wore just short sleeves you could often see the white sock looking thing that covered those two tubes that came out of my arm. Notice the huge hole on the inside of my right arm; that's where the picc line was.

I can now take a shower since I have not been able to take any since July! Can you just imagine having to live like that? That's what many cancer patients have to do. It's such a painful disease and I pray we find a cure that isn't so damaging on the patient. I can't believe all of what I have suffered and survived with this disease. We had tried shower only one time and it was such a messy ordeal with the plastic Ready Wrap. Can you believe that? What a dirtbag I am! I'm a dirt bag with a heart of gold!)

Oh how I savored that 1st shower and all the ones since (just once a day)! All this time it has been quick baths; throwing my hair over the bath tub, on my hands andknees; knocking things over along the way as I tried to wash my hair just a few times a week and a nice hot bath each evening; sometimes up to 3 depending on how my tush felt (those were the painful days!). I had to use baby wipes for the rest of my body; could never wash my right under arm; so it was always the baby wipes there.

Monday was such an awesome day with my honey. We woke up late and just at the right time as the mounted police officers stopped by in front of our house and of course not a camera to be spotted. We had not completely unpacked the bags from the hospital just yet; all of my batteries to my Nikon were dead; so 2nd opportunity to photograph those beautiful horses; gone. Here they are leaving! I got to see them though and what a treat that was!

We then got everything ready to go on our trip of errands (wash dog, shop for Christmas party outfits); I got to enjoy another excellent shower; no worrying about getting the picc line contaminated anymore! I'm so happy to not have that in any more; can now wear regular shirts; just dealing with trying to get rid of all the tape marks on my arms and tummy and backside. I literally had tape and stuff stuck to me in the hospital all over the place; from those little round snap things to measure how awesome my heart beats (that is one thing I do love about myself!), to getting stuck by nurses twice a day for blood and more!

I got a nice little bag and gathered some of Blue Belle's brushes, could not for the life of me find her main kit which included quick stop, scissors, and her good comb, but I got most everything else including her nail clippers. My honey and I proceeded to the doggie wash and we were finally able to wash our dirty little dog. After she was conditioned and blow dried, I tried to give her a nice fresh manicure and I accidentally cut into the pink part of her nail and it bled; (she moved her foot) poor baby, she was such a good sport about it. We didn't have any quick stop with us but I got it to stop bleeding pretty fast; she's definitely not a bleeder like I have been lately. My platelets had been low and I'm so glad my pup is nice and healthy unlike myself.

After she looked absolutely magnificent; like the majestic Sheltie that she is (the one I have always dreamed about my whole life); we then went shopping to the mall to pick out outfits for a Christmas party for my job. She and my honey were both so incredibly patient with me. I couldn't have asked for 2 better shopping companions. He gave me absolutely honest opinions of each of the dresses I tried on one after another and we also tried to find something for him; but another day of shopping that will be. I picked a beautiful black dress that kind of made me look like I had some curves and that didn't accentuate my skinny bones and ass. This one was an almost but the strapless part would have driven me nuts and I looked a bit anorexic in it. I had tried on so many (now that is exercise in it's self just trying on clothes). I like the exercise; I just need to eat more! Darn it! I hate the feeling of loosing weight now; imagine that? Everything seemed to make me look like a concentration camp victim or that I was annorexic. It seems I just don't have any curves except for my bones; Oh God do I need to gain some weight! I weigh 105 right now and really need to stay above 100 lbs. At least I don't weigh 85lbs like the models in a movie that I had watched last week; so that actually made me feel so much better! Thanks Ashton Kutcher for that! It's not so bad; I actually felt better because I was fatter than those chicks! You made me feel so much better about having this Cancer and all! No Really.. Now I just gotta beat it!)

I don't think the concentration camp look is all that sexy but my honey is somehow still attracted to me. Now that's real love and of course for me; he is the sexiest man on earth with out a doubt. I don't feel a woman has to work to achieve that look and I really hate clothing designers that flaunt that look when there are so many beautiful woman of all sizes who can make those clothes look much better than bones. It saddens me each time an actress or model is featured in ads, movies, or even TV shows where she is obviously under weight and it seems that it is glamorized. Ewwww. I love curves and being healthy looking. Skin and bones is not that sexy because in reality; you really do need some extra weight to keep you healthy.

Yes, I have been down on myself about my weight and unable to do much about it. Last night I puked my brains out (it was so disappointing and I worked so hard to eat that much) and we had to go through another blockage and still working our way through it. I have also been going through lots and lots of pain so we have been having to work on keeping me on pain medication or on top of it. Once the pain starts or we get behind; it is a total nightmare.

We are still working hard to resolve the weight issue and if I have to I will get back on baby food and high protein smoothies and will be utilizing my Volcano Vaporizer more than ever; just doing what ever it takes to get my beautiful curves back. That vaporizer really does work to stimulate my appetite; I just don't see the need to take synthetic THC pills when the real thing works just fine? What is wrong with Natural?

I slipped yesterday and was lazy for most of the day. I think I was getting more rest since I had such a busy day the day before. I did get to take Blue Belle out to play some ball (my only real exercise). I just couldn't eat that much and soup didn't do much for me and couldn't even stomach a green protein shake with banana and pineapple. That green color and thick texture didn't work for me so I poured it down the sink. Then I ate soup from the day before the rest of the day; just a few bites at time and tried so hard to drink as much water as I could. Then the pains came in the evening and we almost went into the ER. I took some Dilaudid pills and those calmed me down right away. They take about 15-20 minutes and I'm nearly out of it, but at least the pain starts to fade and that's good when the pain is as sharp as it was. It was the kind of pain that feels like being stabbed in the stomach. I wonder if its still from that surgery in July? I often worry that something wasn't sewn up right; I mean they did sew my right ureter to the wall and that's kind of a common mistake with having to do so many abdominal surgeries on one person?

I could barely sleep from the extreme pain; I did some suppositories and even an enema at about 2:30am; then more dilaudid and some morphine. At this point I didn't care; I just wanted to releived from that pain. It was so unpleasant. Finally at about 5am this morning; I had enough and just woke up to take more medications and work on this blog. I hope none of you were too terribly worried about me. Much appologies for not updating. I have been working hard on getting my Christmas movies completed. Just to let you all know if I don't update in a few days time; I'm more than likely short on memory for my computer because these movies take lots of memory especially burning the actual DVDs.

What hard work that is; going through all of my photos from this whole year, making slide shows, picking out music and then making a video file from that. It's quite a bit of work, but worth it. I have been making these films since 2003; each year that I am alive with this disease. I wish I could sell them online but the government would never allow me for to do that since the music on the DVDs contain music; I would have to pay the musicians and they would more than likely want all of the money and none for me or for cancer research. Just for family.

I will be updating this post tonight with more photos and news of how my day has gone and if at all planned? Will I get to take beautiful my bike out for a spin? I sure hope so; here's to a nice poop and gaining another 15-25lbs. I promise to post a photo of me in that beautiful dress; just have to find the other camera and download!

Sorry to have taken so long to update. I was able to take some nice poops! Yeah!) I just can not for the life of me get an appetite without feeling as if I am going to puke everything up. It's so frustrating. I'm lucky if I got 1500 calories today and for most they are counting calories in which to reduce for me; I'm counting up calories and some days it is difficult to even make 1000 calories. Well here's to gaining another 10 lbs in the next 2 days for the party. Well the dress should fit still; it is a size 0 and the size 00 fit kind of tight but the o was more loose on me? I do weight 103. Not good. Didn't smoke that much pot today so that might be the reason I'm not getting that appetite back; in fact I smoke any. Here's to gaining some more weight and getting healthier and stronger!) Peace and Love to all! Hope you like the photos! I picked the all black dress!

Getting used to my new body...

Well this weekend had its rough moments in that I am having trouble gaining weight; instead I am loosing weight. I haven't quite figured it out yet, but my system seems to be running much faster than usual. After about 4-5 hours after I eat anything; then I get severe abdominal cramping and then the severe diarrhea.

As of now it feels like glass coming out of my ass but I am so very thankful everything is working but the pain is getting more harder to manage. I was taking the Vicodins purely for blocking the diarrhea but it wasn't helping at all with the pain just making the cramping pain more severe. I just started smoking my joints once again and this is working like a gem. I can not believe it!) Why didn't I do this sooner? It instantly calmed my tummy down and I was able to relax from the full stomach pain and cramping. The razer blade feeling in my bottom also was aleviated. Thanks to this wonderful natural growing plant which I hope and pray will become legal one day. No one has ever died from this miracle plant and I bet it could build our country strong once again.

My tummy fills up much faster than I am used to and I haven't quite figured out the size just yet (or how much I can actually eat) and have been having a hard time eating and then being too full. My doctor wants me to eat more protein and to eat several times a day. After I eat, I end up lying down on my back for hours waiting for my tummy to digest and still leaking out of the gastric hole. It is starting to heal some but still smells like puke. How weird is that?

My honey took me out for breakfast on Saturday morning and I got to have some hash browns and french toast which totally filled me up. I ate maybe a third of my plate and was so full my tummy ached. It felt so good to get out of the house and to see the public once again. I have been cooped up all week for fear of getting any kind of cold. Lots are going around apparently and that's the last thing I need right now.

I am finding that I have more energy but am still loosing weight. I weighed myself today and now I am at 116 even. My honey is worried again about me and I will need to make an appointment with my internist to see what he can recommend for gaining weight and dealing with this upset stomach. I am so very thankful to have those tubes out of me and just starting to heal. Tonight I plan to eat some marinated blackened chicken, mashed pototatoes and gravy, string beans and corn. I will be breaking it up and having 2 dinners in hopes this will help me gain some weight.

In a couple of days, my honey is threatening to take me to one of my favorite restaurants in the City "Squat and Gobble". They have the best crepes and so fattening which what I need. I love their teas, salads, soups of course their crepes. What's cool is that I can take it home and reheat and eat later and it tastes even better!) I have to wait and watch my bowels to see if I could handle just going to the city. In my 20's, I used to live in the city and also right down the street from this very restaurant (Lower Haight) and boy could I put that stuff down. I could eat an entire crepe and plate of their country potatoes and a salad. I couldn't possible eat even a 10th of what I used to eat before my metabolism has slowed down.

My doctor has told me that eventually my bowels will start to act normal but they are just waking up and happy to be home!) I'm just getting through this little rough patch as you witness!)

On another note of feeling great is my president for which I am so incredibly proud of. I watched several of his speeches this week and it really inspired me and gave me so much hope. All the pain I had been feeling did not matter. I forgot about it and entered into a world of nations who are working together to improve situations all over the world. I could not have felt prouder when I watched those speeches and of course the first lady when she spoke with those school girls in England. It was both heart warming and soulful for me to watch. The speeches really gave me hope that matters will not be handled with guns but with talking, compromising, and working together as a whole world should; not closed doors and fear mongering but with diplomacy and communication. This is the news I like to follow because it always tends to give me hope that things will turn around. We all matter now and what we do to make this world a better place to live. I feel my writing will help many and of course working on my actions as I heal.

My big dream is still to get Miss Blue certified so that I can help visit those who need her most. I see her healing powers everyday and if I can bring her to a few places (veterans hospital, convalescent homes). I feel we could all do something to help each other or someone who really deserves it. Giving really does feel good much better than buying something you really don't need.

Living in the now in NO Pain.....

A very good friend of mine took this photo of me on Saturday. The blanket here was made by some wonderful ladies from the Breast Cancer Support Forum on Breast Cancer.org. Each square was made by a cancer survivor in the US and then sent to one centrally located breast cancer survivor who knitted all of the loving squares together. I plan to write about this wonderful group of ladies in my upcoming Good Kharma Newsletter due out September 21st.

Granted despite the devastating Cancer diagnosis I am cursed with, I do have plenty to be happy about. I'm very happy to be alive and I have lots of caring friends and family who also give me plenty to smile and/or laugh about. The love from my husband also gives me plenty to smile about.

My scars don't really look so bad and its quite hard to believe that I have been cut open 4 times in the same exact spot. This is why we know that our Oncologist really does care. He cared enough to sew me back up the same way each time I had to be opened up. Despite all of this, can you believe that I still find the times to laugh and I have plenty to laugh about.

In this battle for my life, my husband and I still struggle with my intestines still unable to digest even simple food without the roaring sound of pain.

I ordered these Protein shakes which don't really taste all that good until I'm quite stoned. Then my mouth is dry and I'm very hungry (enough to drink them). They have vitamins that my body needs to heal me and to get what it needs to survive.

Just recently, I have tried to eat food a few times and it does cause me great pain, but nothing that a little hash can't alleviate and that's the magic. Sure my stomach still roars and causes me great pain, however the hash is still working strong and helping to eliminate that horrible pain. Sometimes it even calms down all the noise in my intestines to the point that they are not struggling as much. The pain does eventually return and I have to deal with it each time, but those moments of being pain free help me to fully function; it gives me that quality of life that I so need.

So far I have gained 3 lbs in just a few days. We are scheduled to meet with my oncologist on Wednesday at noon to discuss the next plan of action.

Should we just cut to the chase and have a colostomy bag inserted so that I don't have to worry so much about my bowels and intestines actually working. What next for chemo? Do we continue, was it a mistake that there were NO refills on the Etoposide? Perhaps another chemo plan of action? I would be lying if I said I wasn't nervous about the meeting and I often am. I am really scared of how much time I have and I don't want to know, I just want to continue to live in the now and believe in my heart that I will heal eventually or perhaps even be cured.