Out of the hospital and not out of the woods....

Well what exactly does that mean? Well, I am happy that we were able to get out of the hospital on Sunday evening around 7pm. See it was already dark when I got released as you tell by my honey and pup anxiously looking out the window of my room. What cute butts! Those are with out a doubt the cutest butts I have ever seen!)

It was such a hard day; I had 2 blood transfusions to go through that day and lots of sticks and prods and torturing of veins; I also had to get rid of the picc line (the doctor had believed that it was contaminated and it was time to be removed= yippee!) - duh, well it was removed on Saturday; so a good night that was even though I have 2 IVs in my arm; but I am now officially tubeless and bagless! It sure has felt good to not be walking around with IV poles and such too! I'm not taking that for granted all! or shit tubes hanging out my nose for all to see! I had such a nice little white Hitler stash to make funny faces at my husband on Skype. (Last Saturday night!) At first when I was told it was going to be removed I cried and cried because I thought I was going to have to get another one immediately placed in my left arm in order to replace the one in my right arm. I was even hyperventilating and everything; so it's always good to not always assume things. My honey was so quick to point that out and to calm me down on that (the many reasons I'm so grateful to have him as my husband)! Now I am super glad to be rid of that thing! I can actually turn and sleep on both sides now with out worrying I'm bending a tube inside my arm and no telling what kind of artery damage that could cause? Ick can't even begin to imagine! Don't pay so much attention to how boney my arms are (I'm already determined to gain some weight the healthy way!). The picc line area is healing so nicely and I plan to remove this bandage in the shower later on.

No more having to go the infusion department each and every week to get the dressing changed, no more having to flush it each day, and no more itching like a bitch. OMG did that thing itch!(; it drove me absolutely insane! If I wore just short sleeves you could often see the white sock looking thing that covered those two tubes that came out of my arm. Notice the huge hole on the inside of my right arm; that's where the picc line was.

I can now take a shower since I have not been able to take any since July! Can you just imagine having to live like that? That's what many cancer patients have to do. It's such a painful disease and I pray we find a cure that isn't so damaging on the patient. I can't believe all of what I have suffered and survived with this disease. We had tried shower only one time and it was such a messy ordeal with the plastic Ready Wrap. Can you believe that? What a dirtbag I am! I'm a dirt bag with a heart of gold!)

Oh how I savored that 1st shower and all the ones since (just once a day)! All this time it has been quick baths; throwing my hair over the bath tub, on my hands andknees; knocking things over along the way as I tried to wash my hair just a few times a week and a nice hot bath each evening; sometimes up to 3 depending on how my tush felt (those were the painful days!). I had to use baby wipes for the rest of my body; could never wash my right under arm; so it was always the baby wipes there.

Monday was such an awesome day with my honey. We woke up late and just at the right time as the mounted police officers stopped by in front of our house and of course not a camera to be spotted. We had not completely unpacked the bags from the hospital just yet; all of my batteries to my Nikon were dead; so 2nd opportunity to photograph those beautiful horses; gone. Here they are leaving! I got to see them though and what a treat that was!

We then got everything ready to go on our trip of errands (wash dog, shop for Christmas party outfits); I got to enjoy another excellent shower; no worrying about getting the picc line contaminated anymore! I'm so happy to not have that in any more; can now wear regular shirts; just dealing with trying to get rid of all the tape marks on my arms and tummy and backside. I literally had tape and stuff stuck to me in the hospital all over the place; from those little round snap things to measure how awesome my heart beats (that is one thing I do love about myself!), to getting stuck by nurses twice a day for blood and more!

I got a nice little bag and gathered some of Blue Belle's brushes, could not for the life of me find her main kit which included quick stop, scissors, and her good comb, but I got most everything else including her nail clippers. My honey and I proceeded to the doggie wash and we were finally able to wash our dirty little dog. After she was conditioned and blow dried, I tried to give her a nice fresh manicure and I accidentally cut into the pink part of her nail and it bled; (she moved her foot) poor baby, she was such a good sport about it. We didn't have any quick stop with us but I got it to stop bleeding pretty fast; she's definitely not a bleeder like I have been lately. My platelets had been low and I'm so glad my pup is nice and healthy unlike myself.

After she looked absolutely magnificent; like the majestic Sheltie that she is (the one I have always dreamed about my whole life); we then went shopping to the mall to pick out outfits for a Christmas party for my job. She and my honey were both so incredibly patient with me. I couldn't have asked for 2 better shopping companions. He gave me absolutely honest opinions of each of the dresses I tried on one after another and we also tried to find something for him; but another day of shopping that will be. I picked a beautiful black dress that kind of made me look like I had some curves and that didn't accentuate my skinny bones and ass. This one was an almost but the strapless part would have driven me nuts and I looked a bit anorexic in it. I had tried on so many (now that is exercise in it's self just trying on clothes). I like the exercise; I just need to eat more! Darn it! I hate the feeling of loosing weight now; imagine that? Everything seemed to make me look like a concentration camp victim or that I was annorexic. It seems I just don't have any curves except for my bones; Oh God do I need to gain some weight! I weigh 105 right now and really need to stay above 100 lbs. At least I don't weigh 85lbs like the models in a movie that I had watched last week; so that actually made me feel so much better! Thanks Ashton Kutcher for that! It's not so bad; I actually felt better because I was fatter than those chicks! You made me feel so much better about having this Cancer and all! No Really.. Now I just gotta beat it!)

I don't think the concentration camp look is all that sexy but my honey is somehow still attracted to me. Now that's real love and of course for me; he is the sexiest man on earth with out a doubt. I don't feel a woman has to work to achieve that look and I really hate clothing designers that flaunt that look when there are so many beautiful woman of all sizes who can make those clothes look much better than bones. It saddens me each time an actress or model is featured in ads, movies, or even TV shows where she is obviously under weight and it seems that it is glamorized. Ewwww. I love curves and being healthy looking. Skin and bones is not that sexy because in reality; you really do need some extra weight to keep you healthy.

Yes, I have been down on myself about my weight and unable to do much about it. Last night I puked my brains out (it was so disappointing and I worked so hard to eat that much) and we had to go through another blockage and still working our way through it. I have also been going through lots and lots of pain so we have been having to work on keeping me on pain medication or on top of it. Once the pain starts or we get behind; it is a total nightmare.

We are still working hard to resolve the weight issue and if I have to I will get back on baby food and high protein smoothies and will be utilizing my Volcano Vaporizer more than ever; just doing what ever it takes to get my beautiful curves back. That vaporizer really does work to stimulate my appetite; I just don't see the need to take synthetic THC pills when the real thing works just fine? What is wrong with Natural?

I slipped yesterday and was lazy for most of the day. I think I was getting more rest since I had such a busy day the day before. I did get to take Blue Belle out to play some ball (my only real exercise). I just couldn't eat that much and soup didn't do much for me and couldn't even stomach a green protein shake with banana and pineapple. That green color and thick texture didn't work for me so I poured it down the sink. Then I ate soup from the day before the rest of the day; just a few bites at time and tried so hard to drink as much water as I could. Then the pains came in the evening and we almost went into the ER. I took some Dilaudid pills and those calmed me down right away. They take about 15-20 minutes and I'm nearly out of it, but at least the pain starts to fade and that's good when the pain is as sharp as it was. It was the kind of pain that feels like being stabbed in the stomach. I wonder if its still from that surgery in July? I often worry that something wasn't sewn up right; I mean they did sew my right ureter to the wall and that's kind of a common mistake with having to do so many abdominal surgeries on one person?

I could barely sleep from the extreme pain; I did some suppositories and even an enema at about 2:30am; then more dilaudid and some morphine. At this point I didn't care; I just wanted to releived from that pain. It was so unpleasant. Finally at about 5am this morning; I had enough and just woke up to take more medications and work on this blog. I hope none of you were too terribly worried about me. Much appologies for not updating. I have been working hard on getting my Christmas movies completed. Just to let you all know if I don't update in a few days time; I'm more than likely short on memory for my computer because these movies take lots of memory especially burning the actual DVDs.

What hard work that is; going through all of my photos from this whole year, making slide shows, picking out music and then making a video file from that. It's quite a bit of work, but worth it. I have been making these films since 2003; each year that I am alive with this disease. I wish I could sell them online but the government would never allow me for to do that since the music on the DVDs contain music; I would have to pay the musicians and they would more than likely want all of the money and none for me or for cancer research. Just for family.

I will be updating this post tonight with more photos and news of how my day has gone and if at all planned? Will I get to take beautiful my bike out for a spin? I sure hope so; here's to a nice poop and gaining another 15-25lbs. I promise to post a photo of me in that beautiful dress; just have to find the other camera and download!

Sorry to have taken so long to update. I was able to take some nice poops! Yeah!) I just can not for the life of me get an appetite without feeling as if I am going to puke everything up. It's so frustrating. I'm lucky if I got 1500 calories today and for most they are counting calories in which to reduce for me; I'm counting up calories and some days it is difficult to even make 1000 calories. Well here's to gaining another 10 lbs in the next 2 days for the party. Well the dress should fit still; it is a size 0 and the size 00 fit kind of tight but the o was more loose on me? I do weight 103. Not good. Didn't smoke that much pot today so that might be the reason I'm not getting that appetite back; in fact I smoke any. Here's to gaining some more weight and getting healthier and stronger!) Peace and Love to all! Hope you like the photos! I picked the all black dress!