A Whole Week out of the hospital...

I have been out riding my bike a few times and the Christmas spirit is definitely in my neighborhood as I had to take a photo of those home that me and Blue Belle passed on my gorgeous bike ride. I sure felt great when I returned; nothing like some good old exercise. The neighborhoods around my house making evening walks with my honey so incredibly relaxing and romantic.

I'm not going to lie but the first part of this week has been kind of depressing. I didn't quite understand how these contraptions on me were going to work (picc line with fluids, gastric tube and having to decompress) or how they would keep me out of the ER. That's what the doctors are hoping at this point; they want to keep me as comfortable as possible so that my quality of life isn't sacrificed for extreme pain. the type of pain that I suffer from would be cruel and unusual to have to live with and the most humane thing to do at this point is to make sure that I am comfortable.

We have such a nice nurse who comes about 3-4 times a week to help change dressings, tubes, flush lines, draw blood when needed and just help my honey out when needed. I also address any problems I have with her and she usually contacts my doctor right away; like this thing I had with the shakes and then now I have this painful burning and itching on the palms of my hands and bottoms of my feet. It hurts like hell to wash my hands in very hot water. If you look closely; you can kind of see some tiny blisters but boy does it itch. I have been taking Benedryl in order to stop the itching.

It seems I have been such high maintenance for my honey that I actually felt that I wasn't worth him having to take care of me each and every day. It has been completely stressful for him too and lots of tears have been shed this week by both of us. He hates to see me cry and the most I try not to cry in front of him; the more that I cry. It sucks and it's frustrating. I don't know if it's because of Christmas (we don't have a lot of money to shop). I just want to be alive and to be healthy and he wants the same. That's all we want for Christmas; health and life and each other. Is that too much to ask for?

My honey told me that we could get a tree and decorate it but I have been really hesitate about doing so because we only have a few more days until Christmas. Why can't we just decorate the cat tree in the window and our front porch with lights and be done? We wouldn't have to throw away the nice little tree and Tonto wouldn't be so destructive as he was a little over 2 years ago.

We didn't have a tree last year (we got to enjoy a fresh nice new storm) and this might very well be my last Christmas ever; I would be happy just decorating our home for the event and doing it cheaply since our money situation is going down. We need to save and I have to apply for Social Security Disability; something I have never done before. I have always been one to work my ass off for everything I have ever owned. I feel guilty that I can not yet return to work as I had planned. I have been off work for like ever and it's time that I return but I'm not ready yet?

I have this stomach tube that sometimes I have to hook a bag too in order to get rid of pain and my lunch sometimes. It's so weird and freaky to be puking out of a tube in my stomach. I bet it would freak everyone out and how skinny I am; barely 100lbs. I am weak and my concentration is a bit off since I am so darned scared of death. I wonder if others would feel that same as me if they were in my situation or am I just a weak person? That can not be sexy for my honey but somehow he is still attracted to me. He still gets hit on and is still convinced that I am the only woman for him. I can't help but feel he can do much better and hate that he has to help me live. I don't want to say help me die because in all reality the doctors are more and more showing me that's what we are doing here. I'm enjoying each and every day that I am given and who knows; I could stumble upon the cure for cancer and will certainly keep looking for it. I have to keep on living for my honey.

Well I decorated Tonto's tree instead of buying us a tree; I felt let's just be creative and Tonto loves it. He feels so special that his home lights up so pretty and in turn it makes him feel pretty with all the lights flashing off of him. People walk by and they see that brightly lit kitty and they have to stop and check him out. Tomorrow I plan to get some more lights for the front patio and more for his kitty tree. We don't need a tree; we have a Rosemary tree a friend of mine gave me while in the hospital and another tiny tree my neighbor gave me.

No need to pay $30 for a tree that we will like throw away in less than a week. I would love to be able to bake a turkey and ham and the whole works we missed out on Thanksgiving; pumpkin pie and everything, Rutabagas and so much more. May I not be in the hospital anytime soon! I did get to order some gifts for my honey and have sent out most of the Christmas DVDs; just a few more to send out and I'm done!

My pain level has gotten somewhat under control. On Tuesday; I started having this this horrible shaking in my hands; similar to what I was experiencing in the ER where I couldn't control my body. It was so frustrating and it scared my honey to death. It was a side effect of the liquid Dilaudid that I am currently on. I have to take more Ativan to counter act these spams. For now; my doctor wants to control my pain and just give me comfort and quality of life. It doesn't make sense for me to suffer in pain. Well here's to all of us getting our Christmas wishes to come true. Peace & Love to all of you!