WARNING: Some of the Content here may be Objectionable to some. I have this blog labeled as "Adult Only" as a common courtesy for those who may easily be offended by Adult topics such as the Truth, Down to Earth topics, realities of living with Ovarian Cancer and/or any life threatening disease that goes along with it; Sexuality, Medicinal Cannabis, Profanity, and of course plenty of unpleasant body functions are also discussed here. This is a very tough battle for which I don't intend to hold anything back on what I am facing.

This blog is very personal and comes from the heart of a real fighting cancer patient who wishes nothing more than to live for all of those I love my own will to live, and my love of life. While sometimes I might be on heavy medication (prescribed by my doctor) and occasionally I might write about things or subjects that one may never even think about or consider; so please consider that as well. Yes; whacked out things might even be found here; but I mean everything in all good intentions.

This blog is not at all intended for the faint hearted, those who lack a sense of humor, have no idea what down to earth means, greedy mean people, and/or those who don't know how to share the world with others, and especially those who are unable to easily put themselves into the shoes of others. This blog is mostly about my journey of living my life in the best ways that I can under the Golden Rule and appreciating all of the GOOD KHARMA that comes my way! Never take anything in this world for granted; especially family and friends!

Friday, December 18, 2009

A Whole Week out of the hospital...

I have been out riding my bike a few times and the Christmas spirit is definitely in my neighborhood as I had to take a photo of those home that me and Blue Belle passed on my gorgeous bike ride. I sure felt great when I returned; nothing like some good old exercise. The neighborhoods around my house making evening walks with my honey so incredibly relaxing and romantic.

I'm not going to lie but the first part of this week has been kind of depressing. I didn't quite understand how these contraptions on me were going to work (picc line with fluids, gastric tube and having to decompress) or how they would keep me out of the ER. That's what the doctors are hoping at this point; they want to keep me as comfortable as possible so that my quality of life isn't sacrificed for extreme pain. the type of pain that I suffer from would be cruel and unusual to have to live with and the most humane thing to do at this point is to make sure that I am comfortable.

We have such a nice nurse who comes about 3-4 times a week to help change dressings, tubes, flush lines, draw blood when needed and just help my honey out when needed. I also address any problems I have with her and she usually contacts my doctor right away; like this thing I had with the shakes and then now I have this painful burning and itching on the palms of my hands and bottoms of my feet. It hurts like hell to wash my hands in very hot water. If you look closely; you can kind of see some tiny blisters but boy does it itch. I have been taking Benedryl in order to stop the itching.

It seems I have been such high maintenance for my honey that I actually felt that I wasn't worth him having to take care of me each and every day. It has been completely stressful for him too and lots of tears have been shed this week by both of us. He hates to see me cry and the most I try not to cry in front of him; the more that I cry. It sucks and it's frustrating. I don't know if it's because of Christmas (we don't have a lot of money to shop). I just want to be alive and to be healthy and he wants the same. That's all we want for Christmas; health and life and each other. Is that too much to ask for?

My honey told me that we could get a tree and decorate it but I have been really hesitate about doing so because we only have a few more days until Christmas. Why can't we just decorate the cat tree in the window and our front porch with lights and be done? We wouldn't have to throw away the nice little tree and Tonto wouldn't be so destructive as he was a little over 2 years ago.

We didn't have a tree last year (we got to enjoy a fresh nice new storm) and this might very well be my last Christmas ever; I would be happy just decorating our home for the event and doing it cheaply since our money situation is going down. We need to save and I have to apply for Social Security Disability; something I have never done before. I have always been one to work my ass off for everything I have ever owned. I feel guilty that I can not yet return to work as I had planned. I have been off work for like ever and it's time that I return but I'm not ready yet?

I have this stomach tube that sometimes I have to hook a bag too in order to get rid of pain and my lunch sometimes. It's so weird and freaky to be puking out of a tube in my stomach. I bet it would freak everyone out and how skinny I am; barely 100lbs. I am weak and my concentration is a bit off since I am so darned scared of death. I wonder if others would feel that same as me if they were in my situation or am I just a weak person? That can not be sexy for my honey but somehow he is still attracted to me. He still gets hit on and is still convinced that I am the only woman for him. I can't help but feel he can do much better and hate that he has to help me live. I don't want to say help me die because in all reality the doctors are more and more showing me that's what we are doing here. I'm enjoying each and every day that I am given and who knows; I could stumble upon the cure for cancer and will certainly keep looking for it. I have to keep on living for my honey.

Well I decorated Tonto's tree instead of buying us a tree; I felt let's just be creative and Tonto loves it. He feels so special that his home lights up so pretty and in turn it makes him feel pretty with all the lights flashing off of him. People walk by and they see that brightly lit kitty and they have to stop and check him out. Tomorrow I plan to get some more lights for the front patio and more for his kitty tree. We don't need a tree; we have a Rosemary tree a friend of mine gave me while in the hospital and another tiny tree my neighbor gave me.

No need to pay $30 for a tree that we will like throw away in less than a week. I would love to be able to bake a turkey and ham and the whole works we missed out on Thanksgiving; pumpkin pie and everything, Rutabagas and so much more. May I not be in the hospital anytime soon! I did get to order some gifts for my honey and have sent out most of the Christmas DVDs; just a few more to send out and I'm done!

My pain level has gotten somewhat under control. On Tuesday; I started having this this horrible shaking in my hands; similar to what I was experiencing in the ER where I couldn't control my body. It was so frustrating and it scared my honey to death. It was a side effect of the liquid Dilaudid that I am currently on. I have to take more Ativan to counter act these spams. For now; my doctor wants to control my pain and just give me comfort and quality of life. It doesn't make sense for me to suffer in pain. Well here's to all of us getting our Christmas wishes to come true. Peace & Love to all of you!

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l'optimiste said...

CJ. Stop thinking so much. We don't have a tree either - it's money thrown in the back of the fire, which we also don't have. What is a tree anyway? As you say, slap some lights round the porch, string up the Xmas cards and get on with it.

Having a happy painfree Christmas is the most important thing for both of you right now. I wish I could do some little thing to help you. Or say some little thing that would ease all your fears. But I can't. It is frightening. And it sucks. But you amaze me the way you deal with it.

One thing I will say though, you are DEFINITELY not a weak person [consider yourself reprimanded for THAT remark!].

I love the "Tonto as a Christmas Fairy on his 'tree". Too cute ;o)

Enjoy every moment.

nat said...


A happy pain-free christmas and new year for you and your wonderful husband. And quit thinking that you are a burden! He loves you, and wants as much time with you on this earth, as possible.

This is the first year we've put up a tree since I was diagnosed - I was either busy recuperating from surgery or chemo, and we just enjoyed other peoples trees! My husband and I are not exchanging gifts this year. Its not the presents that are important to us, and better for us to save the cash! :) After having cancer, I realize that relationships are so much more important than gifts.

CJ, I know you are frightened, but you are not weak. I think that there is another adventure for us after death. Whether that be another life, heaven, or becoming part of the energy flow of the universe.

A book that kind of helped me (written by hospice nurses) is "Final Gifts" by Maggie Callahan and Patricia Kelley. Warning, it is a tear jerker - but I didn't find it depressing. I like to know what to expect, and I suppose that book helped ease my mind.

Please keep up on those pain meds! There is no need for any suffering. I have a feeling you will still around for a long time, and you don't want to be hurting. You are the most mentally determined person I *know*!

Peace and love to you as well CJ. I wish also, for a cure for cancer - and soon!

Ambrosia said...

I agree-who needs a big tree thats getting thrown away? Besides, going creative with it is in right now (and Tonto looks great curled up on the tree)!

I also agree with those who previously commented....being frightened or uncertain about the future isn't weakness, it's human. You're a very strong and worthy person...remember that when you're feeling down!

We wish you the best through the holiday season and the new year!

Kat said...

hey there strong sister!
you are strong and beautiful and have an amazing spirit. i was diagnosed with uterine cancer that spread to my colon in July and had a full hysterectomoy. I finnished my last chemo in Monday but I had been having strange chest pain like a pulled muscle on my right side. I took an x-ray on Wed and there are nodules in my lungs - they think metastatic from my earlier uterine cancer. Just when you think it's over......

I am terrified and read you blog and then inspired by your optimism and bravery. Keep smiling and sharing your joy - it is beautiful!

Christmas comes from your heart so whatever it looks like is just the way it should be. You could never be a burden to the people who love you - I am lucky like you to have a man in my life that is my angel. Just last night he promised that he would love me and take care of me always and I belive him.

2010 will be a great year for all of us. Merry Christmas and much love to you and your hubby. If anyone can do it, it is you!


lovenotbaked said...


Sending you holiday cheer! Glad to hear you're able to enjoy some good days! Keep it up!

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My techniques and treatments work simply for me and may not produce the same results for others. Cancer is a very tricky disease in which it is very different in everyone it touches. No two cancers are the same just as we humans are not the same. What works for me may not work for others.

I love life and expect to live for as long as I can. I intend to use those treatments that do work for me which includes medicinal cannabis. I'm still alive with this disease over 7 years later because of this miracle plant and as long as I have my medicine available; I intend to survive many more years. I hope one day the Federal Government will eventually grow up and be led by true leaders who represent the people and not just coorporations; real people who live by the Golden Rule "treat others how you would want to be treated". I also hope the Government of the US can finally learn to admit that it has made a mortal mistake in making this life saving plant which is provided by GOD and does indeed have the ability to provide all of us with food, fuel, clothing, shelter, and medicine; a mistake that have made is that it is illegal. Yes, it was a mistake out of greed, ignorance, and racism that this miracle plant is illegal. This is a confirmed fact and we should all know and face it.

Cannabis is not at all harmful and in fact quite the opposite. Perhaps our economy can once again grow as it has in the turn of the century by making this life saving plant legal once again.

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