and the pain has returned with a vengence.....

I have a total of 6 more chemo pills before the end of this cycle and the last couple of days I have been waking up in a great deal of pain. The pain feels as if I have rusted metal parts in my intestines which are trying to be digested. My intestines make quite a bit of noise as they try to move the scrap metal through my intestines. Yes, I'm a bit of a hard head sometimes. I didn't eat anything for most of the day yesterday and tried to eat a little bit of a pot pie (just the broth and vegetables) last night but my stomach just couldn't take it.

My friend had brought over some fresh hash for me to smoke yesterday and I smoked a little bit with her and then we went swimming shortly after. The combination of the Hash and swimming helped my body some. The pain had eased a bit, but after the effects wore off after a couple of hours.; I mostly wanted feel the pain outright just so that I could know what my body is facing in this battle. I do that sometimes, just skip of day of pain relief to gauge what my body is facing.

Well today the pain has intensified with a vengeance but I will try to smoke some weed later on today. I'm feeling a little weak today because I haven't really felt like eating with this metal taste in my mouth, the rusted metal churning in my intestines; just makes me want to sleep the day away. True, it makes no sense to continue in pain but I don't plan to be in pain the entire day. I will try to stomach a protein smoothie in a few hours.

I finally had enough of the pain and decided to try the new hash again. Afterwards, I drank a whole glass of prune juice, water, and Miralax and then went on a 3 mile bike ride to the post office. I hurried back as fast as I could and made it to the toilet; Oh boy! The pain relief had just begun! My mouth was so dry and lacking in that awful metal taste in my mouth. Thank god it was gone! I drank 3 glasses of water and a whole glass of Gatoraid and then watched some Keith Olberman at 5pm!

New Water Pipe

I almost forgot! I got one very important errand done yesterday and that was filling up the tank for my husband's truck and getting his truck washed. While the truck was being washed, I walked Blue Belle over to a head shop next door and was amazed at the prices and the variety of water pipes. I really needed a new water pipe in the worst way. A little over a month ago when my disability first started with the chemo, I was cleaning up my kitchen and accidentally knocked over my beloved gorgeous water pipe that my husband and I had originally purchased in Santa Cruz. I watched in horror as the gorgeous pipe fell over onto its side. All of a sudden bong water poured all over my leg and then the beautiful pipe fell into several peaces on my kitchen floor. It was a total loss and I was devastated.

We tried to replace it but the replacement was made of plastic and was too tall. We thought it was pretty and interestingly shaped but it wasn't practical at all and could be knocked over with little effort.

Well this beauty works great and while I do still utilize my Vaporizer, this particular bong is excellent for the instant pain relief. The vaporizer takes about 2 minutes to warm up, I also have to clean out the little canister thing each time and then set up the balloon. It doesn't work well with the hash. The hash needs more heat so the water pipe is perfect so now I don't have to use my little frog pipe.

A Romantic Dinner with my Hubby

My husband took me to my favorite restaurant this evening in downtown Campbell (Aqui Cal-Mex). So far so good, the digesting is a little loud but the Hash certainly helped me out with the pain. I can handle this! It was great to get out together and to show a little PDA. I'm so thankful to have him by my side fighting this battle with me. He makes all the difference in the world and most importantly, he makes me want to keep on fighting!

What's with Disability? and more...

Well today is Tuesday, and I got a letter yesterday from Disability. I have been on Disability since August 18th and I filed that very same day, filled out some forms and even had my doctor fill in some blanks. I got everything approved with my job and now another bump in the road.

I specifically remember filling out a portion of the application that NO I will not be incarcerated during this time and yes, sometimes the chemo can make you feel like your are incarcerated or want to be incarcerated (instead) because you don't feel like doing anything. But its not the same!

I got a letter from EDD that I am to call and answer a question a second time. I guess they just want to make extra sure that I wasn't incarcerated during this time.

Here is the question verbatim:
1. AT ANY TIME DURING YOUR DISABILITY WERE IN THE CUSTODY OF LAW ENFORCEMENT AUTHORITIES BECAUSE YOU WERE CONVICTED OF VIOLATING A LAW OF ORDINANCE? YES____ NO ____

Ok well, I did violate quite a few smoothies, tried with no success to eat regular food, but it is just too painful to digest. I am still trying to eat regular foods that seem like it would be easy to digest because I am so hungry. I am working through the pain of digestion, but I don't think that counts or does it? Maybe I was being too violent when I slurped down my last smoothie. I just never feel violent at all after I smoke some cannabis to help me digest with less pain. I just feel so happy and exactly the opposite. I smile, I laugh, and I feel quite friendly as well.

UPDATE:

Well I finally got on the line (after a very long 15 minute hold) with a very nice man who is also a 2 cancer survivor and he said my check will be in the mail tomorrow for 21 days (after I answered the question that NO I was not incarcerated at all during this time). Not sure how much I will get but enough to help my husband pay some of the these bills. Thank god!

This always happens. Last year, I was on disability for just a month while I was hospitalized and it took over 3 months to get a check. I can't get over the state being that slow to pay the working poor when they really need the money.

Well last night was very hard for me to sleep; I started getting an abdominal blockage which was very painful and I couldn't sleep on my stomach because it was so swollen and it felt like I had a bunch of scrap rusty metal that I was trying to digest (it felt like I had a dead weight in my stomach). I woke up and smoked some hash and then drank 2 glasses of prune juice and Miralax. My mouth was so cottony dry from the Hash that I drank those glasses up pretty fast at 2:15am. By 4 am the blockage was finally starting to clear and I was going number 2 every 1/2 hour or so.

My stomach feels a little sore and a bit beat up but nothing a little POT can't fix. It's definitely the chemo pill getting to my system. I have 8 more chemo pills to take in this session and I will have a chemo infusion of the Avastin next week. I have hit the days where I will wake up feeling like I was in a bar fight the night before. Here's to getting through the next 8 days!

Living in the now in NO Pain.....

A very good friend of mine took this photo of me on Saturday. The blanket here was made by some wonderful ladies from the Breast Cancer Support Forum on Breast Cancer.org. Each square was made by a cancer survivor in the US and then sent to one centrally located breast cancer survivor who knitted all of the loving squares together. I plan to write about this wonderful group of ladies in my upcoming Good Kharma Newsletter due out September 21st.

Granted despite the devastating Cancer diagnosis I am cursed with, I do have plenty to be happy about. I'm very happy to be alive and I have lots of caring friends and family who also give me plenty to smile and/or laugh about. The love from my husband also gives me plenty to smile about.

My scars don't really look so bad and its quite hard to believe that I have been cut open 4 times in the same exact spot. This is why we know that our Oncologist really does care. He cared enough to sew me back up the same way each time I had to be opened up. Despite all of this, can you believe that I still find the times to laugh and I have plenty to laugh about.

In this battle for my life, my husband and I still struggle with my intestines still unable to digest even simple food without the roaring sound of pain.

I ordered these Protein shakes which don't really taste all that good until I'm quite stoned. Then my mouth is dry and I'm very hungry (enough to drink them). They have vitamins that my body needs to heal me and to get what it needs to survive.

Just recently, I have tried to eat food a few times and it does cause me great pain, but nothing that a little hash can't alleviate and that's the magic. Sure my stomach still roars and causes me great pain, however the hash is still working strong and helping to eliminate that horrible pain. Sometimes it even calms down all the noise in my intestines to the point that they are not struggling as much. The pain does eventually return and I have to deal with it each time, but those moments of being pain free help me to fully function; it gives me that quality of life that I so need.

So far I have gained 3 lbs in just a few days. We are scheduled to meet with my oncologist on Wednesday at noon to discuss the next plan of action.

Should we just cut to the chase and have a colostomy bag inserted so that I don't have to worry so much about my bowels and intestines actually working. What next for chemo? Do we continue, was it a mistake that there were NO refills on the Etoposide? Perhaps another chemo plan of action? I would be lying if I said I wasn't nervous about the meeting and I often am. I am really scared of how much time I have and I don't want to know, I just want to continue to live in the now and believe in my heart that I will heal eventually or perhaps even be cured.

Hashish?....Instant Pain Relief..........

I managed to keep myself pretty busy on this very, very hot over 100 degree day and I even managed to keep the house cool enough all day long!

One thing that had to be done was to call my Chemo doctor and I was able to leave a message for him concerning the stool sample (internal bleeding) and if I should continue on the Etoposide despite the internal bleeding or should we just take a little break, find out the reason for the internal bleeding, etc.

I was in pretty bad pain when I first awoke this morning and it was as if I had digested a bunch of razor blades during the night. I felt pretty battered and beat up and could barely stand up straight without doubling up in pain. I know that the pain is due to the abdominal blockages that keep occurring despite all that I am doing to keep the blockages free (Myralax, stool softeners, enemas, soft easy to digest foods, and suppositories).

The blockages are still occurring and the pain keeps me on edge. Sometimes I am unable to function because of this pain and I just feel like laying around, trying to find the most comfortable pain free position. I know there is plenty to do (in life in general) but the pain in my intestines will freeze my body enough so that I am just laying on the couch as time just flies by.

My good friend (I have to protect her privacy) but she continues to help me and I'm so thankful for such a good friend and a soul. She brought me over some really good pot and some really good hash to try out. I'm not really familiar with the process of making hash, but this was made with water? It's call water Hash? There's some sort of process for making the stuff.

The best way for me to smoke the Hash (currently) is with my glass pipe (my younger brother got me this pipe for my Birthday last year.) I was in pretty bad pain and the actual pain that I can feel is that I am bleeding internally. (that's the best way that I can describe it)

Sometimes, I try so hard to pretend that I'm not really in such bad pain when I am around my friends and family. I really hate for them or anyone to have see that I am suffering in pain. I know it kills my husband, my father, my mother, brother, and many, many friends. It really hurts and it sucks to have to feel this pain almost constantly. Sometimes I have to admit that I do get angry at God for putting me in such pain. I will plead with him/her that I don't deserve this pain and to please STOP IT!! Please?

I can relieve myself of the pain somewhat with my vaporizer and some really strong pot, but this was like no other feeling. I smoked the hash with my friend and for her, it was much different. She just felt very mellow and quiet. My pain dissipated completely; so much so that we actually went outside and swam some laps in my pool. I felt absolutely wonderful! To be so pain free!! I really haven't felt this feeling in such a long time, months perhaps. Awwww! That pain in my stomach; gone!!!! For that, I thank GOD for the pain relief. OH!!!! I'M SO THANKFUL!!!!!!!!!

I didn't feel the pain in my intestines at all and I felt absolutely wonderful; happy and most importantly, I didn't feel myself bleeding internally!!!!!!! Sure, I was forgetful, spacey, and perhaps a little goofy (my friend laughed at me some and I admit I do get myself laughing so hard that my ribs hurt just a little bit!). But what's the harm? No Pain:), and I felt the gain of confidence to actually be able to accomplish a few things today like cleaning, doing laundry, and all the things that I was doubled up on the couch unable to do.

If this isn't proof of medicinal value and evidence, not sure what else to there is to prove except, what a miracle and what a miracle drug this is! I love life and as far as I'm concerned, this is saving my life. I definitely without a doubt feel in my heart that I could never harm anyone, no matter what. As I go through the pains of cancer (that I often suffer from), I like to feel that I am taking the pain for children that don't deserve it, and for my friends and family.

Almost forgot! I actually slurped and finished a whole nasty protein shake! I also drank 3 in a row, of cranberry juice and water with Miralax! I also drank my Prune Juice and it sure made my prune juice taste yummy and usually my prune juice is never yummy, ever! My mouth was that dry? Imagine that?

Sometimes after awaking from an Etoposide pill, I suffer from a metal taste (metals from the chemo drugs) in my mouth. (after vaporizing, I noticed that the metal taste was gone - completely!) Wow!!! More proof of Medicinal Value!-)

Please do visit this site as well:
http://www.freetainted.com/weblog/topics/about

These are true heroes for us patients. If the federal Government continues to prosecute the undangerous citizens (clearly NOT terrorists). These humans are loving, caring, and concerned citizens who help the sick and they are prosecuted? What kind of world do we live in?