A second opinion and a dose of reality....

I got my second opinion and while normally someone in my shape would not have lived this long or even tried to survive much longer; I have fared well in this battle; much better than most; 7 years is a good battle and I am just asking for 2 more or 3 more years if at all possible. I'm going to fight like hell the entire time in order to stay alive and try to be as healthy as possible for my honey. I liked this doctor and she was honest with me in telling me that she will not give me chemotherapy for my own mind's sake or psychologically to make me think that it's going to prolong my life when in reality it is killing up my good cells. We are going to try Carboplatin every 3 weeks possibly; I may need more time to heal before starting more chemo. She would like me to start as soon as next week but I'm not so sure I'm ready to start more chemo just yet. I feel my body still needs to heal.

I asked her if I could get 2 - 3 more years but she just told me that I have survived quite longer than most or even expected with what I have gone through (in other words I should be happy and grateful that I am alive right now). For right now, I just need to live in the right now moment and not be so concerned with the future or that far ahead. She doesn't know but I feel it in my heart that I may just survive that long (maybe even longer?); I'm going to at least try to. It's not long but hopefully I can survive much longer than that.

We never know how much time we have left in this world and you really do have to make the most of every moment that you can; even though many of my moments are spent on the couch sleeping and relaxing; I still enjoy them in my own home. I did tell her that I have been having more than the usual anxiety attacks of crying from being scared of only having 6 months to live. It was such a surreal and scary experience for me to have to go through with my own doctor. I almost feel like he said some things to me that were not at all necessary and to scare me. Is he just giving up hope on me or what?

Some of the things he had said to me still haunts me; like once we decide on hospice care; if I get a block; I can't go into the emergency room but according to Kaiser's website I could? It's kind of conflicting. He even mentioned that if I came in I could at any moment stop breathing and they would have to shove these tubes down my throat. I don't like getting scared like that from my own doctor. I couldn't believe my ears and I still can't. I just can't accept what he had told me just a few weeks ago. I'm still in shock and my honey feels he needs to be here with me and to enjoy every waking moment with me and not be at work worrying about me. He can't even concentrate because the love of his life may not be alive next year. God I hope I am but we are just preparing.

I'm so happy that my honey is going to take off 6 months from work just to be with me and to take care of me. We are going to try to make it out to Yosemite in the coming weeks for just a nice romantic get away; just the 3 of us. I can just imagine how nice that will be; utilizing a fire place in the woods; hiking in the Sequoia National Forest, El Capitan, and that little village near El Capitan, Bridalveil Fall, and so much more! We really need a little vacation away from everything; doctor's office's, hospital, just this whole town of San Jose.

Tonto will have to be on Autofeeder for a few days. He hates that thing when I get it out because he knows that he will by himself for at least a couple of days. I may just ask one of the neighbors if they would like to have him for a few days. I don't know of any that don't love him for his goofy self. He is a highly unusual kitty cat. (he just got a bath on Sunday & feels pretty now)

Either way, we just need a get away to relax and enjoy each others company. We need some good alone time together. I'm so glad we have been getting along so good lately and hope we can continue that. Yes, like normal couples we fight sometimes but only because we care and love each other so much. I'm always thankful for days like these and I have been feeling good enough to eat somewhat normally; getting diarrhea like crazy (that kinda sucks but at least I'm going), got the pain under control and just enjoying every day I am given. Here's to fighting this disease for many more years; I sure hope too; I hope and pray for a cure soon!

Pooch Hotel Grand Opening and more!

Well this weekend I planned to just have fun this weekend since I could. I'm controlling the pain the best that I can; sometimes I get severe pain in my lower left abdomen that just takes my breath away but I'm glad that I'm able to control it and writing down when ever I do take a pain pill or eat something. I have to keep track of what is going in my system each day and the food and pain diary is great for me to discuss with my doctors.

Well on Saturday, I took my neighbors daughter with me to the grand opening of the pooch hotel in Sunnyvale. It was a very fun event. We first started by walking in and we ended up going on a tour of the facility with all the little dogs which Blue Belle felt way more comfortable this way. She is a little shy of larger dogs and little dogs don't intimidate her as much. She got to check out the beds and she didn't get to see the saline pool which saline is better to clean this type of pool than the chlorine and it doesn't irritate skin either. How clever. We saw the work out facility which included a treadmill and another one in water. I might try to spend the day with Blue Belle here just exercising her; we will see how much they charge for that.

We went through the whole tour and then ended up in this one huge room where there was all kinds of free stuff. They offered chocolate Fondue over strawberries and a marshmallow, beer and wine, free samples of teas (I tried all 8 flavors), little tiny cupcakes of chocolate and a Red Velvet dream cake? I forgot the flavor but it was wonderful. I had 2 of them! Awwww they were awesome! They even had the best Blue Berry Coffee Cake! My neighbor was even mowwing on rice, beans, and cornbread. I didn't want to chance my system on that. I was full from the Chocolate covered strawberries and red velvet cake muffins. There were treats on every table to give to dogs and I had to refrain for Blue Belle's sake. You can really feel her ribs very good and she is a little over weight; mostly from lack of exercise when ever I am in the hospital. I'm working on it. She will be in tip top shape soon enough.

We walked by a dog getting a massage and Blue Belle stopped right there and smelled and looked up at the dog getting the massage and I had to pull her to move on. She kept looking up that way as if she were very interested. Me and Amanda had signed up for free manicures and we waited around for those while enjoying all the dogs that had walked in; all breeds of all colors to enjoy; there must have been over 100 dogs there the entire time we were there. It was really a cool event to be at and we were having a complete blast! We finally got our manicures and then Miss Blue Belle got her manicure and after she got her manicure; the woman who gave it; ran up to us and asked if she could borrow Blue Belle for a photo in the paper of her getting services. Since she grasped her hands while getting a manicure she felt Blue Belle had it in her for getting another manicure for the camera and for the San Jose Mercury News. Well we got the Sunday paper and she didn't make it in the paper but I got all kinds of excellent photos of her that would have worked for the paper.

After the manicure she set her sights on the massage once again. This time a beagle was on the table getting a massage and he started walking around all over the table; I asked the woman if there was a line for the dog massages and she told me that we could be next. A Shibah Inoo came up and almost got in front of us and Blue Belle got up and gave the dog a dirty look like "don't you dare break in front of me; I'm next!". It was surprising to see and then a huge Australian Shepherd came up and she did the same exact thing to him too. All of a sudden the dog on the table had enough of the massage so the masseuse picked him up and placed him on the floor with his owner and all of a sudden Blue Belle jumped up onto the table and was ready for her massage. It really surprised all of us; then a few people pulled out their cameras and started taking photos of Miss Blue Belle getting her massage. The masseuse was convinced that Blue Belle was indeed the sophisticated spa dog and knew how to enjoy a real massage. She loved every minute of it and I was the proud parent of such a well behaved daughter. I couldn't stop smiling as my dog had a blast getting her massage. I was enjoying the moment and it was enjoyable.

After her massage; she didn't want it to end but we walked out of the facility agreeing that was indeed a good time; we went home and my honey had cleaned the entire house. He dusted, made up the bed, vacuumed and even cleaned up my kitchen. I was so proud of him; I made a juice with the last of my veggies and fruits to hold me over and then we all went over to Black Angus for dinner. I just ordered sides which were easier for me to digest. I was such a cheap date; but that's OK; my system is now working better; I'm going to the bathroom each day now; not suffering in too much pain and feeling like I'm getting stronger. Perhaps this is due to be off the chemo. I felt so weak and of course it's been over 2 months since that huge surgery too; I'm healing and nothing is going to stop me now.

On Sunday I went to the Farmer's Market and got all kinds of veggies and some fruits to juice with my new juicer; I made a combination juice with Kale, spinach, Pear, Apple, Ginger, and Cantelope. It was good and had a bite to it and I finished all of it which filled me up. This juicer is a bit to clean but not as bad as my other juicer. I hope to use it everyday and perhaps using the waste for making soup or breads. I'm proud of myself for eating as healthy as I can and gaining a little bit of weight. I'm not up to 120 just yet; but I'm getting there.

Bodies in motion stay in motion! It was nice not to be focused on my being so sick and just having that feeling of healing myself and getting through all of this. My mind is so powerful and I'm going to use it to cure myself if at all possible! Peace and Love to all! More fun to be had for me!

Getting a second opinion & being my hard headed self...

Well the last post, I included some great make-up tips for others. My kitty has the best eyeliner and then eye shadow on his eyes (it looks like it). Thought this was worthy of an awwww or a laugh). See how the eyeliner goes perfectly around each eye and then there is this eyeshadow that does the same? What cool color combinations just found in nature!

My oncologist has been around for me for nearly 7 years (operated on me 6 times) and knows my body pretty well but I still emailed him asking for a referral so that I may seek a second opinion. I had posted my concerns on getting news that no cancer patient wishes to receive and I got literally 40 responses and most told me I should seek a second opinion. I asked that he please not be offended by me asking but he wasn't and he was quick to tell me that he wasn't giving up on me; he just wanted to prepare me. I honestly didn't want that at all but I probably needed it just in case and I do feel inside that I should have at least a few more years left in me. I don't wish to leave my husband any debts or headaches when I am gone so I have a few things left to pay off before I go. I hope to be able to do it.

Anyway enough of that stress; been trying to avoid all stress these days. My poor mother; it's just hitting her that the doctor had said I have 6 more months left (I know that I have more than that!), and she called me this morning hyperventilating and crying. It was so sad and I calmed her down over the phone and told her that I will fight this tooth and nail to fight this disease. I reminded her how incredibly stubborn I am and how reluctant I am at giving up on anything; especially life. I told her that I need her support now more than ever to beat this disease. If she gives up on life while I am fighting; what good would that do other than stress me out. I love life and I don't wish to loose it anytime soon.

My neighbor also made me this wonderful soup which lasted me most of the day and I had a carrot, orange, and banana smoothie for breakfast, some carrot juice for dinner along with some of that soup. I got up to 118lbs today and with shoes on 120.

I have been riding my bike around the neighborhood and have been doing some light yoga and meditation; just anything to keep me positive and to make my mind believe that the cancer cells are not surviving in my body. I am also trying Hydrogen Peroxide (10 drops = 1 teaspoon) in the morning and 1 at night. I meditate right after that and imagine PacMan eating cancer cells and those cells blowing up when I feel some light pain in my tummy. I am going to the bathroom everyday; had a minor block yesterday, but was able to fix it. Since modern medicine isn't working; I have to rely on the alternative methods for me right now until I get my strength back and can go back on chemo if I can and choose to. We will see; I'm just going to live each day one day at a time and just do my best each day to get stronger.

I did call a "Senior Assisted Living Facility" today and was able to go and visit with some seniors with Blue Belle. She brightened the place quite a bit and it was one thing that I needed for my soul to know that I am helping others out and giving them lasting moments that could last. Each one of those seniors loved having the opportunity to pet and to love on such a beautiful dog. I know I am going to do this again. She was so well behaved and she didn't lick their hands like I was worried she would do (germs), but one of the seniors was blind and deaf and her smile was so contagious. Another was in a wheel chair and I imagine she must have had Alzheimer's; she couldn't move very well and tried to feed Blue Belle her cookie that she had been trying to eat. One of the nurses there held her other hand and placed it on Blue Belle's soft fur and she just lit up. She was so excited at the very touch of Blue Belle's very soft fur. I brought my camera but when I was there I didn't feel the need to invade anyone's privacy by snapping any photos. It was a private moment for these seniors. One day I will try to take pictures but mostly to get prints back for those in the photos so that they can remember the moment better.

I got a real good juicer today and I have plenty of great veggies and fruits (on my alkaline list) to juice. It's surprising how filling those smoothies are. My neighbor bought me a Jack LaLanne juicer in exchange for my sewing machine. I really thought I would be sewing head wraps for other cancer patients and I failed miserably at that. I made a few skirts but I don't have the sewing talent that so many other women possess. I did get quite a few nephostomy wraps completed on that sewing machine and it did get it's use from me. We just needed some more room in our tiny place right now. I'm trying to clean up and get rid of things that I may never use again so that my honey doesn't have to deal in case the doctors are right. Staying busy this week has been key. My honey and I made the most delicious juices last night with celery, spinach, pears, apples, and carrots. He took it apart and cleaned it for me; supposedly this one is much easier to clean than my other juicer. We will be going to the farmer's market tomorrow morning for sure! Here's to healthy new me! Let's kill that cancer!

Another thing that I do plan to do is the call the L’Oréal Paris OCRF Hope Line, 1-877-OV-HOPE-1, since they do provide free information and support to women who are faced with an ovarian cancer diagnosis; even though mine is quite Advanced; who knows; maybe they can help me? I will blog about this experience should I call. Peace and Love to all!

Gotta Keep Living!....

With each day passing since the news; it's been easier and easier to convince myself that the doctors could be very wrong about me; I could have several years still left in me. They don't know my strong will to survive or my spirit. For now, I just plan to enjoy everyday that I can; I really need to clean up my messy closet and to try to get all affairs straightened out for my honey so that he doesn't have to suffer any kind of headaches when I am gone. I hate planning things like this; I have tons of clothes and items that I plan to take over to the Salvation Army and get a receipt for his taxes for next year. I hope I am able to at least leave him with some amount of money to cover any costs of getting rid of me (cremation) and to help him with moving on. God that must sound bad; it does makes me cry just a little bit to think that way.

I am at least controlling the pain and have been ahead of it so far. I did get behind some the day before yesterday and have vowed never to do that again. The pain in my abdomen is far too great to have to suffer like that. I can hear myself digest and the sad thing is; is that I don't have any appetite to even eat anything. I tried to eat a bagel (only ate a 4th of it), then 1/2 an orange which really made me sick; so sick that I had to lay down and hopefully not puke it up. I can't just live off of junk food and ice cream even though I have been surviving on ice cream smoothies ever couple of days I will have one.

I have also been getting quite a bit of diarrhea and it could be from the Cipro which I have to take twice a day at the same exact time every day which 7am and 7pm. I am riding my bike everyday and doing some yoga and meditation. I moved this Amethyst crystal right in front on my coffee table where I often sit to watch TV. I tried to meditate on the couch and visualize the cancer cells popping, exploding, and dying inside my toxic body. OK, I will be on the search for the right juicer today! It can't be a shitty one that's hard to clean up and leaves sticky residue on my counter space.

Well enough of this depressing shit; let's move on and celebrate National Ovarian Cancer Awareness month and I will start with ways of applying make-up and of course a little blurb about the special Hope Make-up Bag from L’Oréal Paris

THE L’ORÉAL PARIS COLOR of HOPE COSMETICS BAG

L’Oréal Paris will offer the limited edition Color of Hope Cosmetics Bag, which includes four key products from the company’s Color of Hope Cosmetics Collection in a silver cosmetics pouch, for a limited time only.With an approximate retail value of almost $50, the L’Oréal Paris Color of Hope Cosmetics Bag is a great value with a retail price of only $29.95.

L’Oréal Paris will donate $5 from each cosmetics bag purchased to the Ovarian Cancer Research Fund (OCRF).

HOW TO CREATE BEAUTIFUL MAKEUP LOOKS AND FEEL GREAT ABOUT HELPING TO FUND OVARIAN CANCER RESEARCH

EXPERT ADVICE FROM L’ORÉAL PARIS CONSULTING MAKEUP ARTIST COLLIER STRONG

LOOK #1: BOLD EYES AND SOFT LIPS

This look is all about bold, beautiful eyes using the symbolic color of ovarian cancer awareness—teal—with the Wear Infinité Eye Shadow Quad in Bouquet of Strength.

• Sweep the soft, shimmering gold shadow on the brow bone as well as on the inner corners of the eyes.
• Give eyes a gorgeous a pop of teal shadow across the entire lid.
• Use a very fine dark blue liner on the top of the lash line.
  
• Finish with several coats of black mascara.
• Make lips understated and warm with the Colour Riche Lipcolour in Color of Hope.
• To complete the look, dust cheeks with warm, natural blush.

LOOK #2: DARK, DRAMATIC LIPS AND PRETTY EYES

The inspiration for this look is deep, dramatic lips and a soft, daytime look for eyes, once again using the color teal and other shades found in the Wear Infinité Eye Shadow Quad in Bouquet of Strength.

• Use the soft gold to apply across the brow bone and the eye-opening teal from the inner corners to the center of the eye.
• Sweep the neutral taupe shadow from the center of the lid to the outer corners and under the lower lashes.
• Line the upper lash line with the deep blue shade.
• Dust cheeks with a soft and natural shade of blush.
• Lips are the focal point to complete this look; start with Colour Riche Lipcolour in Hopeful Plum.
• To intensify the lips and add shine, top with a dab of Infallible Never Fail Lipgloss in Hopeful Plum.

Collier Strong, world-renowned makeup artist, has used his gifts to enhance and illuminate the faces of Eva Longoria Parker, Kerry Washington, Diane Keaton, Marcia Cross, Kate Beckinsale, Andie MacDowell and many more of the world’s most beautiful women. Now, as L’Oréal’s Consulting Makeup Artist, Collier is dedicated to making his brand of beauty—fresh, flawless, sophisticated—available to everybody.

“True beauty is about confidence. When people look beautiful, they feel good about themselves. I have always felt a strong desire to use my creativity to make that difference in people’s lives.”

the Bark in the Park....

I would be lying if I said I wasn't still crying from the news I received the other day. Its not easy to hear that from your own doctor. I am going to try to survive this as best I can. I can only do my best and that's what I intend to do.


GOD I was so thankful to be able to sleep in my own bed next to the best man I could have ever dreamed of marrying. I will be sure to treasure each morning that I get to wake up next to him and definitely not those mornings where I am awakened by getting stuck in my finger, something shoved up my ass (OK it's not that bad), or getting blood sucked out of me and so much more! I am so happy to be out of the hospital. I do love all of those nurses who have taken care of me.

The one nurse that I had my very last night in the hospital gave me a hug and we cried together. I told her of my news and she has been one of those nurses who has helped take care of me many times over the years. It touched my heart that she was there for me like that and that she would be praying for; then to read all the comments from each of you and to know that I am making an impact of many lives.

Today we decided to have a good day today and to spend some good quality family time. We got up kind of late and it was so amazing to sleep in my own bed next to the one man I love more than anything. I will never ever take those moments for granted and cherish them always.

We went to the "Bark in the Park" at Naglee park in San Jose and it was so cool to see so many dogs (all colors, breeds, varieties, sizes) and the their people all in one place. Everyone got along so well and there was not one dog fight. Just lots of dogs everywhere and butt smelling was the norm.

My honey and I were sitting in the shade relaxing with Blue Belle and a friend of his with her dog and all of a sudden we would hear a puppy yelp and yelp and yelp in almighty pain. It was so sad and cute and it was because they were offering vaccinations for all dogs who needed their vaccinations. Poor little puppies getting a shot in their little bottoms. I remember my first shot as a child and it didn't feel good. Well now I get stuck all the time and no matter how many times; it hurts.

Here are 2 very cute little Shelties that Blue Belle wanted to come up and meet. It was cute that I finally saw that Blue Belle now recognized her breed. She would kind of get excited to be able to meet other Shelties. I always look for other Shelties too because I am so facinated with this breed. I have always been and they really are a dog that loves to please and so easy to train. I love the colors, the hair of course (it's so fun to brush a Sheltie), so now I got some time now to brush my girl!, she's also fun to wash and get all pretty. Seeing all the Shelties at this event made me want one of every color; but Blue Belle was my favorite Sheltie at this whole event.

I loved seeing all the different varieties of dogs and I took over 250 pictures; these are not the very best but I thought they showed somewhat how big this event was. I always take tons of pictures everywhere I go that's fun. I'm still obsessed with completing my 2009 movie (GOD I hope it's not the last one I make). The sheep herding was very cool; I had wanted to get some cards for herding training but was unable to. I would love to train Blue Belle to herd Tonto or go fetch him up. She's kind of jealous of him at times and doesn't want him hogging too much attention from me so she does know how to herd him away from me. The sheep herding event was so cool to watch and those sheep looked like they had a good home. They were taller than most sheep and were fat; they knew the drill and didn't have to run too much from the dog and each time they got to stop; they would eat more and more grass or graze. I don't think they were all that stressed for sheep at all. They were mostly herded around the old man that was in charge and it was neat to see how close and comfy those sheep appeared when ever they were herded to this man; they would immediately look for grass to graze on each time. You can see in this photo that the sheep are very close to the dude and also very relaxed even though the dog in a full run.

It was such a hot day today and I did get a little heated at times and I had to wear the huge hat and plenty of sunscreen because I am still taking antibiotics and will be for the next 10 days. They had all kinds of booths set up in case you felt like spending money on Halloween costumes (we wanted to get Blue Belle a ladybug costume but she would never forgive us for that), she's just not into wearing clothing; she's content with her fashionable fur coat. There were all kinds of leashes, training tools, watering dishes and I nearly got her another one for traveling), so much stuff to look at. I think the best thing there to look at was all the dogs and their people. If you just like people watching, this was the event for just that.

After a while of walking around and getting hot and sweaty, we went back home. I was surprised at how tired I was because I crashed hard in my bed and slept so soundly. I woke up in horrible pain and nausea. My honey was just squirting the morphine in my mouth when all of sudden I had to run to bathroom; it was icky and I puked that horrible puke again. I am having somewhat of a small blockage; why does my life have to revolve around me shitting? I am currently dealing with trying to get this blockage out and I did notice that I haven't gone in a few days normally. Now with Hospice care I wouldn't be allowed back in the hospital if I get a block; they would just cover it up with more morphine or pain meds and let me die faster that way.

So, NO we haven't made our decision and we plan to take our sweet time! I have decided not to do any more chemo but I'm not yet ready for Hospice Care yet. We are just going to enjoy everyday that I am given; all of these painful moments I have, having to be hooked up to my feeding machine, getting sick in my stomach for any type of food smell, not having much of an appetite; all makes me scared and worried about my future. I am going to get all of my affairs in order so that my honey doesn't have any headaches after I am gone. GOD I hate thinking about dying; it really sucks, but it is part of reality; we all will be there soon and it's so important to do something important in the moments that you have.

The surrealness of Hospice Care Decisions....

I'm supposed to go home tomorrow morning and I'm keeping my fingers crossed that I will. I am not to have any fevers for 48 hours or else my whole weekend will be in this hospital. GOD I hope not! I'm so ready to go home to my loving family (husband, dog, and cat). They all miss me and I miss them for sure; plus we have Bark in the Park to go to!

My husband had called me this earlier this week to tell me about a social worker who had been trying to get in touch with me. I did tell him I wanted to start seeing a therapist but a social worker? She had left a message on the home phone and my husband called her and spoke with her and he told me that she was very nice and that he wanted me to talk with her too.

When she had tried to see me in the hospital; once I was asleep in my room and another time; I was crying up a fit in severe kidney and intestinal pain; so she was unable to enter my room at either of those times. My husband was very honest with me and he told that she wanted to schedule some time for the family to talk with my oncologist about the possibility of putting me on Hospice Care. I didn't know much about this yet but my husband then explained to me that this might be one of our options to at least think about for the future. I asked if I could just not be there for this conversation because I just don't feel that I am ready for this just yet and would still very much like to be in denial that this disease just might be killing me. I don't like loosing a battle and I don't intend too. At first he told me yes, that he would meet with the social worker and my oncologist and discuss those possibilities but on the phone my Oncologist would not allow it. He needed me to be a part of the discussions. Since things with my health have gotten out of control lately; my oncologist felt strongly that I really need to be a part of this important conversation.

Then later on a nice lady named Patient services stopped by to talk with us about me going home possibly tomorrow which I was pretty excited about. She then talked about one of the social workers that we have known for a very long time and this new social worker for which she is working very closely with. Then the Social worker came into my room just a few minutes later while she was still in the room. We all talked for a few moments and then Vicki needed to go see another patient. I forget this new social worker's name and hope to remember it soon; anyway she told us a little about her working relationship with my Oncologist and really just wanted to know all about me and what I have been going through. She was very encouraging and kept telling me that she couldn't believe what a trooper I am. She had read through my records and was new with working with my oncologist.

My Oncologist is one doctor who would never sugar coat anything and over the years I had really wanted him to in my case just to give me some hope. I like hope in my case but I never really got it from him; it was always the stark reality that one day this disease will eventually kill me; so this is why I always seemed to dread seeing my oncologist. He was honest with us and never really gave me any hope that I would survive this disease and that with each treatment; it may not work in my case. It was always the worst case scenario. Just once I wanted some hope; but that's what you get when you get an honest doctor. We talked to the social worker for about 45 minutes and then she told us that my oncologist would be by after 4pm to speak with us about some options for our next line of treatment. My husband did prepare me that I didn't have much left and I cried and cried. We would be discussing going on hospice care.

Sure enough after about 4:30pm; my oncologist and another of his colleagues came down to talk with both of us. Miss Blue Belle was in the room also to help calm me down because I was pretty upset. He was very upfront, blunt and very honest. He recommended that I start Hospice Care rather soon and that the feedings and chemo would need to stop so that we could prepare for a painfree and dignified death for me. I would have about 6 more months to live. Hearing all of this was so incredibly surreal; we are talking about my death in approximately 6 more months. I was shocked and scared. I felt so weak and hopeless as tears just rolled down my cheeks; I started hyperventilating and my husband sat over me and tried to calm me down by rubbing my shoulders and gently telling me to slow down on my breathing. Blue Belle jumped up onto the bed and started licking my hand which instantly calmed me down and my oncologist would every now and then grab my foot in a very emotional way which also calmed me and to let me know that he cared about me. I was so upset; but this is the reality of living with such a deadly disease. One day we have to prepare for the inevitable; I hope many more women are able to survive this disease and don't get the news I just got today. My husband and I have not made any decisions yet and to be quite honest I'm just not ready to give up on life just yet. I feel like my life has just begun; I have the love of my life, a great dog which is going to outlive me? and cool cat; lots of great family and friends who love me more than anything. I have touched many lives and I hope after I am long gone that I continue to touch lives. Maybe I can write a book in this time about the many other things I have gone through in my life; but apparently I mustn't waste any time. Life if precious.

Now my other options are to continue with chemo and most often with the chemo; well in my case he was right; it's not working and in the CAT scan there are more tumors growing in my groin area; I could try some more new treatments but in reality I am getting to the point of suffering from many infections which are the result of the advanced cancer and the chemotherapy treatments which most often at my stage of the game ends up killing me much faster than the cancer. To me this is puzzling.

Now if I go on to the Hospice program; I may live longer but my oncologist is estimating that I may have just 6 months to live and what I plan to do is to research all that I can on many of the Alternative Ways of making my body stronger in order to fight the cancer. I can do this by getting my immune system stronger.

I saw something on TV late a few night ago watching trash TV only it was Montel Williams advertising his special juicer. I will be researching his juicer and may just get myself one and try it out. I sure hope it isn't a bitch to clean like my juicer is (it currently resides in my appliance graveyard in the very back of my far back cabinets = where I can reach them nor do I wish to). That's why I quit using it. I don't like cleaning out slimy slimy and then when it dries up it's another nightmare to deal with. I want to at least try to get my body to an Alkaline state where the cancer can not survive. I have got to at least try this. So does this really work? I'm so desperate at this point. I don't want to die. I'm going to try everything in my power to live and beat this disease no matter what! I can't leave my husband and I won't! I'm not ready yet! I don't have anything to loose right now by trying since modern medicine has failed me and will continue to fail me from what all the doctors are telling me.

Hospice care will be all about controlling my pain and getting me ready to die. Tears just stream down my face as I write about this but just can't help it. I don't want to die but we don't always get what we want in life sometimes. We can't just change destiny or can we? I'm hoping and praying that I can. Perhaps all the love for me in this world will help change that? I will die trying to fight this disease; I can guarantee that. If you learn anything at all from the blog or my experience, please do be happy for what you do have in life. If could be ripped away from you just like that. Lucky for me, I at least have 6 more months to enjoy. I'm so sad that I may not ever get to go back to my job. I was so looking forward to going back and getting my mind off of all the hell that I have been having to face and to be around all the wonderful people that made me happy and look forward to going to work each day. I miss them all! I'm so sad but I'm not going to spend the next 6 months sad; I'm going to celebrate my life in the best ways that I can. My honey and I will be making a list of things that I would like to get done in this 6 months. Time is precious.

My husband and I Skyped tonight and we cried and laughed and cried and laughed some more. We were trying to figure out what kind of a service I would want and I preferred some sort of an out door party celebrating my life. He was talking about various Churches and being that I am not Christian; he is Catholic so it could be a Catholic church;? I then asked " well what about one of those Cannabis churches where everyone who attends can smoke a joint and be real when they talk about their memories of me? He laughed and laughed. I definately don't want the usual service and oh god I hate even thinking about it, but it is reality and I do have to consider it.

Another place that was high on my list was on top of Homewood Mountain but around 6 months from now it won't even be warm. Perhaps we could hold the ashes until springtime and gather around on the beach. We have so many things to prepare for in just 6 months or more. I'm not going to prepare myself that I will die in 6 months; prayers and lots of positive thoughts could cause those alternative methods to actually work and put me into remission. I may have several years to live. We just never know and I still do have much hope in my heart. This is just several doctor's opinions (6).

The lesson here to be learned is to enjoy everyday that you have and I will continue to. I am so happy to be able to wake up on Saturday morning next to the most amazing man ever. He is in my heart and soul and I worship him like no other. We hope to have lots of fun at the Bark in the Park on Saturday and hopefully for a motorcycle ride on Sunday. No matter what, I will enjoy every day that I get to have for they are gifts. I don't take any day for granted.

UTI infections slowly improving....

Well, I am hoping I can keep those fevers at bay and so far so good (knocking on hard wood). The highest it has been today was 100.3 and that was this morning and now it nearly tomorrow (20 minutes). I'm still suffering from my extreme insomnia so I thought I would try to provide an update on how I am doing in the hospital and when I might just get out of here. I am keeping my fingers crossed that I get to go home tomorrow. Oh GOD I want to go home tomorrow! Please don't make me stay in here for another weekend!

My honey brought in Miss Blue Belle these last couple of days and it sure has made a difference in my spirit being in here. She cheers me up like no other with her smile, her foxy fluffy tail wagging, and just her presence. She is a gem and there's just something that has to be said about animal therapy in the hospital.

Whenever my honey arrives with Blue Belle, the whole hospital seems to brighten up. Many of the nurses stop him in the hall for some good old dog therapy and word quickly spreads that "Blue Belle is here!". Other nurses and doctors will quickly stop what they are doing and just stop by my room for just a minute or two or just enough for a kiss from her. She is a gorgeous little girl to look at and many can't believe how pretty she is. She has that presence about her that you just can't get your eyes of her.

Anyway, I did get bored painted my nails and toenails teal and I was heartened to find that my sister and law even had her toe nails painted teal also and with my initials on her big toes! Wow! I feel so honored! I'm letting everyone know that this month is teal month and that it is National Ovarian Cancer Awareness Month; Breast Cancer is next month. I keep reading about all of these Breast Cancer events and nothing for Ovarian Cancer; well you will see it here; too bad there isn't anything in San Jose or even in the whole state of California. Not too many know much about this disease that strikes so many women.

Well anyway back to being able to get out of the hospital (I'm keeping my fingers crossed that I can at least get out tomorrow or Friday); I really would like to be able to go this year's Bark in the Park on Saturday at Naglee Park in San Jose. There will be all kinds of vendors there; I can get my honey a cool doggie T-shirt (he needs to replace quite a few = I accidentally stained a few of his good ones and would like to replace those). It should be a great time. The normally have herding events and if I get there early enough I might even be able to sign up Blue Belle to herd some ducks or sheep. Perhaps I can get some contact information of trainers so that I can take her to learn now to herd. She could bring Tonto in when ever I ask her too in case he gets out. That would be very helpful.

I did get to talk with my mother for a long time today (an hour using minutes) and my honey has offered to purchase a plane ticket for her to visit me. We finally got our first Tax Refund check in years. Our tax rate has reduced thanks to Obama's plan and we didn't pay as we have the last couple of years (quite a bit less because we are middle class = yeah!). I'm so happy that my mom will get to visit and maybe for Thanksgiving; we will be able to cook a meal together which we have not done in at least 20 years. We did get to spend a Christmas together in 2002. Here I am wearing my Christmas wig. My hair was falling out at this point and I was pretty damned bald at this point. My honey didn't care; he still kissed my bald head each and every night and he rubbed it for good luck. I thought it was very cute that he did this.

I also hope that I will be able to ride on the back of my honey's Harley on Sunday; quite an ambitious weekend I have planned; and all will go to plan if only my temperature stays down. I just got it taken and it was only 99.2!) What a relief! Still fighting that infection. So here's to no more fevers and me getting to go home tomorrow!

L’Oréal Paris - Color Of Hope: Celebrates Ovarian Cancer Awareness Month

As part of my commitment to L’Oréal Paris as a Hope Ambassador, today I will be blogging about what L’Oréal Paris and the Ovarian Cancer Research Fund (OCRF) is committing to help fight and win the battle for many women with Ovarian Cancer and to help promote awareness of this very deadly disease so that this disease will hopefully be found early more often than being found in it's Advanced Stages. Most often it is diagnosed in later stages. 70-75% of the time the cancer has spread to other parts of the abdomen before it is even detected. September is after all if National Ovarian Cancer Awareness Month.

This will not be one of my usual posts of updating how I am doing and what I am doing but it will be more or less dedicated to all women survivors and (kind of?) advertising some great products for which anything item purchased, $1 will be donated to Ovarian Cancer Research. This is a passion of mine and I hope to do something special for Pancreatic Cancer in the near future as well since the cancer which killed Patrick Swayze is the most deadly of all cancers is also the least funded. I still hope you enjoy this post. Thank you so much for your time.

L’Oréal Paris is the leading corporation supporting ovarian cancer research and, as such, has helped raise in excess of $18 million. Integral to its mission is increasing awareness of the disease and educating women about the vague and often overlooked signs and symptoms of ovarian cancer.

Here are the 4 most common early Signs and Symptoms:

• Bloating
• Pelvic or abdominal pain
• Difficulty eating or feeling full quickly
• Urinary symptoms (urgency or frequency)

Women who have these symptoms almost daily for more than a few weeks should see their doctor, preferably a gynecologist. It is recommended that you get an ultrasound in order to detect any tumors and research has suggested that it offers the most vital information for detecting ovarian cancer, according to a recent study conducted at the University of Kentucky Chandler Medical Center-Markey Cancer Center.

Furthering its commitment to women’s health, L’Oréal Paris has supported a variety of ovarian cancer awareness and fundraising initiatives, including its annual Color Cosmetics Collection, “Color of Hope,” and the biannual L’Oréal Legends Gala in New York City. The company’s latest endeavor is an informational consumer call center, in collaboration with L’Oréal Paris’ 12-year charitable partner, the Ovarian Cancer Research Fund (OCRF). This September, the L’Oréal Paris OCRF Hope Line, 1-877-OV-HOPE-1, will provide free information and support to women who are faced with an ovarian cancer diagnosis.

Each year 22,000 women are diagnosed with ovarian cancer, and 15,000 women will lose their battle with the disease. The five-year survival rate for women with ovarian cancer is currently less than 50 percent, and there is no effective method of early detection. There is a cluster of symptoms—unexplained pelvic or abdominal pain, bloating, difficulty eating or feeling full quickly and/or urinary symptoms (urgency or frequency)—that should be further evaluated by your doctor if they are unexplained and persist for up to two weeks at a time.

In 2009, L’Oréal Paris will continue to:

1. Offer significant financial support to fund critical research initiatives identified by our partner, the Ovarian Cancer Research Fund (www.ocrf.org).
2. Provide support for women and families currently coping with the disease.
   
3. Raise awareness of the signs and symptoms of the disease and emphasize the importance of early detection.

THE L’ORÉAL PARIS COLOR of HOPE COSMETICS COLLECTION

This annual makeup collection celebrates L’Oréal Paris’ ongoing commitment to the fi ght against ovarian cancer and helps raise much-needed funds for ovarian cancer research.Featuring products for eyes, lips and nails, the L’Oréal Paris Color of Hope Cosmetics Collection teams up three shades: the universally flattering shade of mauve, vibrant teal—the color symbolizing ovarian cancer awareness—and the on-trend accent shade of rich plum.

FUNDRAISING

L’Oréal Paris will donate $1 from the sale of each item in the Color of Hope Cosmetics Collection to its 12-year charitable partner, the Ovarian Cancer Research Fund (OCRF).


PRODUCTS

COLOUR RICHE NURTURING & PROTECTIVE LIPCOLOUR

• Shades: Color of Hope and Hopeful Plum
• This formula features nourishing ingredients like Omega-3 and Vitamin E and is enriched with Argon Oil to condition and soften lips.
• Suggested Retail Price: $8.95

INFALLIBLE NEVER FAIL LIPGLOSS

• Shades: Color of Hope and Hopeful Plum
• Provides six hours of wear in just one step, delivering beautiful, sheer color and high shine with significantly longer wear than the average lipgloss.
• Suggested Retail Price: $9.99

WEAR INFINITÉ EYE SHADOW QUAD

• Shades: Bouquet of Strength and Petals of Promise
• Features a patented, long-wearing formula that is crease-proof and fade-resistant with a smooth, powdery finish. This shadow’s finely milled pigments have exceptional pickup and glide on effortlessly.
• Suggested Retail Price: $8.95

PRO MANICURE NAIL POLISH

• Shades: Color of Hope and Hopeful Plum
• Instantly strengthens nails with a unique Pro-Keratin Complex (derived from natural proteins found in nails) that helps provide stronger, healthier-looking nails. This exclusive formula also contains concentrated color pigments for exceptional vibrancy and shock- proof plasticizers that resist chipping and peeling.
• Suggested Retail Price: $4.99

AVAILABILITY

To coincide with National Ovarian Cancer Awareness Month, L’Oréal Paris’ Color of Hope Cosmetics Collection will be available for purchase beginning September 2009. The entire Color of Hope Cosmetics Collection will be available at mass-market retailers nationwide, including Walgreens, CVS and Wal-Mart, while supplies last. The Color of Hope lipcolour and Cosmetics Bag will also be available online at www.lorealcolorofhope.com.

Back in the hospital again - severe infections...

I know that I posted earlier but I just found out that Patrick Swayze lost his battle today to stage IV Pancreatic Cancer. He was only 57 years old. I have been following his fight the entire 20 months and what a brave fight he faught. I remember clearly his interview with Barbara Walters as it seemed to give me strength while I was in the hospital just prior to my 5th and 6th Major Abdominal Surgery. While he filming "the Beast", he refused any painkillers because he felt it would have affected his performance. He seemed to know exactly how long he had and knew 5 years was a long shot with his illness and he would be pushing two years and he made it 20 months. My heart goes out to his family and friends.

Well, on with my battle as the watching and waiting became so much as the evening wore on. My husband and I knew in our hearts that this fever thing (even though we did get it down to normal and he was able to go to the local pub and watch some football on the big screens) with out any problems; I was OK for all those hours and then when he returned home; nausea just started setting in; actually it was slightly before he got home that I started to get where I was starting to get cold; once he got home the shaking continued but it wasn't so bad. Then I really started shivering and then I started shaking uncontrollably as if I were having convulsions and my teeth just kept chattering. I had absolutely no control over my body. I could barely speak or control my body (I couldn't believe it); it was so freaking scary and it scared the living hell out of him to see me this way. I was crying and apologizing to him for scaring him and that I had absolutely NO control over my body. It was aching and my tummy muscles were hurting like hell from all the shaking and convulsing; then my back on the right side (kidneys) starting pinching; where my stint had been placed.

It had taken less than an hour of him being home for all of this to happen. I was fine all that time but I was just starting the shakes just before he got home. The nausea set in and I was vomiting more of that yellow nasty burning shit that tasted so foul. I almost felt as if shit was actually coming out of my mouth. It was so horrible and miserable. I had to brush my teeth and rinse them immediately after each countless vomit; then the green shit came at around 2am. The fever got up to 103.5 at close to 3am when we both decided; it's 911 time. He gathered up Tonto and Blue Belle; Tonto tried to escape to Nick's but my honey grabbed him just in time. They both had to share the upstairs bathroom.

The EMS workers finally arrived less than 10 minutes later and one of them scolded my husband for not having a printed list of my medications. It really wasn't necessary because each time we go over those list of medications at the hospital. I told her most of them and tried to chill her out from being so mean to my husband. It always hurts me when someone is mean to him like that. I told her; "he takes such good care of me and I am a nearly 7 year survivor of one of the most deadly female cancers (it's advanced I told her) and if were not for him; you wouldn't have to worry about coming to get me. Thankfully he is the knight in shining armor that he is and please do NOT be mean to him; he's awesome." I also told her that we got married just 2 days before my first chemo treatment and I do hope she felt bad for blowing up at him the way that she did. I told her; it would be impossible for us to come up with a complete list of my medications because they change so much and that Kaiser has it covered with Medical Records. I also told her about the pain medications and everything that I had taken in the last 24 hours. I did take a few doses of liquid morphine throughout the day to manage the pain and then I just couldn't handle the taste so I smoked a joint which really helped me. Yes, I was honest about my cannabis use. I think her attitude changed a little bit once she got to know our history and to not yell at my husband for not already having a list of medications that I'm on already printed up for her. I've never had an EMS worker ever do that do us. They usually just ask what medications I'm on; not require that we had a printed up sheet?

We finally got to the hospital and they took my temperature and it took a really, really long time like a while minute and half for the temperature to stop going up. It finally settled at 104.7. My neck was hurting from having to sit up for so long to get my temperature taken. I was like "come on already". It was the slowest reading ever but my temperature just climbed and climbed and climbed. I was shaking like crazy and convulsing but once they gave me some Tylenol (it was 45 minutes later; I was sweating like crazy. My shirt was soaking wet and then the shivering started again. It was like an endless cycle all night long of getting my temperature down and then it skyrocketing back up again.

I know I'm looking pretty rough in this photo with my dirty icky hair and no make-up; I have worn any in days and somehow my honey still finds me attractive. I wonder why so many times and yet he is by far the hottest man on the planet. Yes this was taken today in my room by me with my iPhone.

Well to get back to what has happened to me these past couple of days. I had to wait in the ER from 3am until after 3pm to get my room. For some reason the doctor had forgotten to approve (another step in the computer) my admission; she had entered it in the system but never approved it so I was waiting and waiting and waiting and the whole time I'm getting these fevers and just sweating my ass off. I did get to sleep some but the shaking and convulsing kept coming and going and of course this would cause me great pain in my abdomen. The nurses were great about providing me with medication as needed. When I finally got to my room I had the most wonderful nurses (the 2nd floor is the very best) where they all knew me quite well. They were happy to see me but sad to see that I was back again.

Murial was the best and very attentive to my needs; she made sure I had everything I needed; she was so beautiful and could have easily been a movie star but for me she was a star nurse. I love great nurses like that; they are like one in a million. There were other great nurses too who stopped in to see how I was doing and had been inspired by my fighting spirit. I will beat this disease and I have so much to fight for and to live for.

I was able to get my TPN bag removed earlier that morning and then we had it set that my husband would bring me a fresh bag of food to hook that evening. They wanted to keep me hooked up to that bag of food; an entire pole full of bags and so much more for 24 hours! I was furious that they wanted to do this and my husband told the nurse there is no way they would be able to do this or they would chance ruining my picc line or blocking it. To me to that just seems so lazy to not change my bag when it's obviously empty? I'm not going to let that happen; we are going on with the 10 hour feedings tonight. Well it turned out that my picc lines were not drawing any blood or they were unable to draw from either of the lines; they were still working and have been for over the last month for chemo and daily feedings. I was scared they were going to try to get another picc line inserted in my left arm. I just didn't want to chance it and it worried me so much that they would insist that my picc lines were not working even though they were. The nurse had tried to tell me that the picc lines normally are not working if you can draw any blood from them.

Last night I skipped my feedings because the nurses were using some sort of a solution to unclog the picc lines; it was worrying me more and more that they were unable to draw blood from either of them. Then this morning the picc line nurse who had inserted my picc line came in to see me this morning and had no trouble at all drawing blood from either of the lines. Apparently their (the other nurses) techniques of drawing blood from the picc line were incorrect. You apparently have to flush the line with a PUSH-PAUSE motion. I didn't understand what she meant but I could tell that these other nurses were not using her technique. I told this nurse that maybe she should train the others nurses on how to properly draw blood or flush a picc line properly. In ER they are so dammed scared of picc lines and do not want to even touch them. Instead my poor (1 and only vein) got brutalized with an IV line. I didn't understand why it was so crooked on my arm and it ached anytime anything was flushed into it including just the fluids.

Since my honey wasn't able to come back last night; we Skyped and I got to watch Blue Belle and Tonto eat snacks in front of me. It was cute how Tonto would use his big paw to secure my husband's hand while eating out of it. He would swipe and swipe to get a treat and then I got to see both of them in the kitchen chilling out and drinking water. They both got to play in the rain a little bit and of course Tonto's huge feet got tracks all over the place. He's a messy boy.

I do remember getting quite a scary rude awaking at 4am this morning when I was sound asleep. It scared the living crap out me; no seriously still battling severe, severe diarrhea from all the antibiotics that I'm on. Anyway, I was sound asleep; just hit REM mode and my arm left arm was jerked so hard it woke me up, and then this rubber band tightly would around my left arm and then a hard stick in my hand. It was like my appendage did not belong to me and it was going to be ripped off at any moment.

This small overweight Chinese woman was standing right over my bed trying to stick me with a needle to get blood samples with out asking for my permission or anything. She had the harshest look on her face as she viewed me as simply an object and not a human being; I was apparently the human pin cushion to her; only I wasn't a living breathing being to her. I felt like asking her if she had any manners what so ever? I was so tired and sleepy and also very shocked and appalled that this had happened. I was very pissed that I didn't say a thing to her about what she had done; there was no communication what so ever; just grab my arm, tightly bound it, and stick me several times until she got my vein. I was pissed off at her. I was able to tell the head nurse about the situation and that I am scared to go to sleep for fear of this happening again. I don't wish to awoken in that way ever! Now cute licks from this little lady would have been a preferable way to wake up!

Anyway I did get to talk to my doctor and we are working out a plan when I first find out that I am having bladder or UTI issues to take (I think it is Septra) an antibiotic for 7 days straight when the infection first occurs. I am not to wait. I also had to have 3 units of blood today and am currently on the second one. I've been on lots of antibiotics actually starting when I was in ER. They had done a urine culture and found the raging UTI so they put me on Cipro and now I'm on a couple of antibiotics which have been making me shit like crazy and to me that is a good thing. My honey brought me some real toilet paper when I finally got my room so I don't have to bother which the fiber glass toilet paper that is actually put on the roll under rather than over. You have to reach far inside the enclosure and then if you are lucky, you might get one square. Not sure why toilet paper in a hospital must be this way; I feel so sorry for the older people who have to deal with this. My ass would be burned in the worst way had my honey not brought that toilet paper. Now that's love! He also brought over all of toiletries.

He came by today and brought me some fresh clothes and plenty of panties and pads for my overactive bladder and some more movies to watch. He took the day off since he was so tired from sitting most of the night in ER and stressing over me. I am blessed to have the most amazing man on the planet and am thankful for everyday and moment I get to spend with him. I live each day for those moments and will continue do so. He makes this fight worth fighting everyday and I look forward to many more days, months, and years with him.

Anyway, I'm going to do some more healing and try my best to be out of here hopefully by Wednesday; the fevers must go before I can leave. I think I need a whole 24 hours without a fever.