Happy Halloween!....

This will be a very short post; but the good news is that I am getting more and more energy. I think the antidepressant "Celexa" is making a difference. I'm sorry it's been a while since my last post. I've been busy being busy! (having much fun with my honey and spending lots of quality time together)

Well I'm not crying nearly as much as I was and I feel more focused on living. What a relief! How I hate crying for no reason at all; or to be dwelling on that horrible conversation I had with my doctor weeks ago. The antidepressants appear to be working and it didn't take that long for them to work in the first place (only a few days). I'm not feeling so depressed anymore and that's the beauty of it all!) My honey and I are getting along so good and I love you is said at least 20 times a day with lots of kisses. We are so sappy and we know it; hell we just love being sappy and lovvy dovvy together!) Who cares when we love each other more than anything! We just appreciate every day and every moment that we get to spend together. Each day is a gift when we get to wake up next to one another. He just looks so incredibly hot and handsome as I look over at him that I just can't believe that I married such a hot man. I haven't found one actor or man out on the street that looks anywhere as good as he does. He's like a young George Clooney (only more hotter!) to me with long beautiful curly hair. I'm so blessed!) His looks are not the only thing; he is beautiful inside and out!) What an awesome man to be married too and I'm so thankful for each and every day I get to spend with him!)

Well the bad thing is that I'm still having problems with horrible nausea and am having a very hard time getting some sort of an appetite for anything so therefore gaining weight has been more than just a challenge but nothing a little pot can't handle and that is working like a charm with getting me hungry enough to get that appetite stimulated; it's the gaining and keeping weight on which is very hard. I keep teetering on the weights between 110.5 and 113 and have been for days. God, I hope I don't have to go on the milk again! That medical company (Apria) has yet to pick up the TPN devices and the backpack. We have it plugged in and it makes this beeping sound that just brings back memories that I'm still on the bag; but I'm not; I'm teetering on having to. I just hope that I can find the secret and start to gain some more weight. Maybe that antidepressant will help me; it's not making me sick anymore.

We found another person who grows medicine and can't in their hearts charge me for it; so it's free. These kind hearted people (Feds would like to call them criminals) just want me around longer or would like to see my husband happy much longer. They don't want him to loose the love of his life. That is a sad thing to see anyone go through. That's what the FEDS never ever think about when they arrest someone for growing for medicinal purposes; that medicine that they are content with destroying is keeping many patients alive. For me, it all stems from treating others the way that you would want to be treated and its so sad that many people do not have that ability to do so. Come on, it's the GOLDEN RULE! Its as if many parents can't even teach their children this vital rule? I wish it was the law that people just do that (follow the Golden Rule); and that crimes could be based on that; even capital murder. I know 2 wrongs don't make a right, but we put good animals to sleep all the time in shelters that are more worthy of living a good life. Sorry to get off the subject a bit (yes; I am all for Capital Punishment). That's just my mode of thinking.

Chemotherapy is a very heavy duty thing to have to go through and to loose your appetite and to become as sick as possible; to be vomiting out of control till your stomach cramps up, you don't know if your heart is going to stop or not; it's just very scary. If government officials could just go through those experiences or even what I go through; I bet there would be less unnecessary arrests; laws would for sure change. They could actually witness and see that medicinal cannabis is not at all a dangerous drug or plant. I really can't get over how it is helping me now and I am so incredibly grateful that it's the one thing that is working for me. Sure I still take the Zofran for nausea (the bad thing about Zofran is that it constipates me) but it does NOT give me any kind of appetite or even make me nearly as thirsty as cannabis does. It does help me with the extreme nausea and I can take it with my cannabis. I really have to be thirsty in order to protect my kidneys from the long term damage that chemo can give me. Hell, I have a stint in my ureter to protect!) I have to drink water whether I like it or not and cannabis gives me cotton mouth that enables me to become very thirsty!) My life now depends on it and so do my kidneys!) I don't wish to be in the hospital again over another severe kidney infection so the cannabis therapy will continue for as long as it helps me!) I don't care what any government official has to say about my life; I'm going to fight to stay alive whether they like it or not!)

As it is now; if I am hungry for it; I have to eat it whether its a Twix bar or Taco Bell, or something organic. I have gotten a little better at not ordering more than I can possibly eat although kids portions are still more than I can eat. A kid's portion at Harry's Hoffbrau will easily last me 3 days. My tummy fills up really fast and now I'm quite the cheap date that I am!) Why on earth must restaurants waste so much food and money? My tummy could never expand like that; I would be in the worst pain ever if I were to eat a full sized meal.

Well my Dad will be here to visit me Nov. 3rd - 11th and my mother and sister in laws will be here on the 12th. Then I have to plan for my mom and her sister and then my brother's visit. My are we going to be busy making lots of memories. Tonight (Celebrating Halloween) we plan to go up to Santana Row and sport Miss Blue Belle in her Angel Costume and maybe even the mall.

We decided that we are not going to sit and wait for 1 or 2 trick or treaters. For some reason our neighborhood has gotten a bad rap and I guess parents are afraid that we are going to be handing out drugs and guns instead of candy. Oh well. Either way Miss Blue Belle is getting some much needed exercise and more socialization for her TDI (Therapy Dog International Test)= like she needs it; I do know she will pass with flying colors; but we want to volunteer at Kaiser and at Stanford. I must give back to all of those who have participated in saving my life. I'm so very thankful to still be alive and therefore I must share my well trained dog to make others feel better. Happy Halloween To All with Much Blessings and Peace and Love!

Trick or Treating for Dogs?....

Well we had been planning to take Miss Blue Belle trick or treating and at least get her a good enough costume to compete in a real costume contest; unfortunately she did not even place in this one. There were so many creative individuals out there who went all out. Please do check out some of these photos of some of the best. (sorry about this photo of her peeing; I happen to think it's very hillarious looking)

Of course Miss Blue Belle was to be an Angel because she is after all the Angel that she is. I had originally ordered her an angel costume from a company called Five Star Fido.com a little over a week and half before the event and the costume just never arrived on time. They were back ordered on everything that I had ordered and did not even email me to let me know that they were. I actually had to go into their system in order to find that out. It was even very vague on the status of her costume. I didn't like the customer service at all until I had to write to them to find out why they never emailed me to let me know that the costume would not arrive in time for the event. They had assured me that it would (according to them it had already shipped days ago); but it still hasn't; however I can return it all (entire order). I ended up just canceling the whole order all together; they do care but apparently but they are so backed up on orders that new orders do not take much priority. Most companies these days surprise me with such fast service where as items I order usually arrive the following day or no longer than 3 days after. I've just gotten used to that kind of good service when ordering on line. I have never had to deal with a company where it took this long to receive an item (it's now Monday and it still has not arrived!). Their email back to me was very friendly and apologetic; I do know they tried.

Since the costume never arrived on time, on Saturday (day of the event), I went out and got Blue Belle a costume at a huge Party Store. I got her these medium size feather wings (they matched perfectly with her white mane) and I made her a little halo out of this sparkly wire material. I kept having to fix and adjust the Halo most of the evening and finally we got it right. It stayed perfect for about a whole entire hour or so. I also bought some glitter hair spray which did not work at all (all it did was make her wet and sticky at first and then her hair was kind of stiff= no pretty sparkleys at all!).

This Trick or Treating / Costume Costest event was sponsored and put on by Society Dog which happens to be a very awesome social club for dogs and their people. The Trick or Treating and Costume Contest was held in Los Gatos, CA. We mostly walked the main drag with all of the other dressed up pooches and at first Miss Blue Belle did not much like wearing a costume at all and then she finally warmed up to it when she could hear many doting people saying "awwww look at the little Angel!". This was repeated all through out the night and she loved every minute of it!) After a while she started recognizing the word Angel and wagged her tail at who ever said it as if this were her new name!)

She walked so proudly in her costume because she could see all of the other dogs were also wearing costumes; so she immediately felt right at home and certainly not left out. I think she must have thought her costume was the very best one!) I could tell that she liked her costume and of course all of the compliments that went with wearing it. So many people stopped to pet her, photograph her and to give her some love. I was very pleased with the results of her costume and so was my honey. We all matched!)

I put together an interesting ensemble with some tights I know I have possessed for years; only never opened; spider web tights, Roxie cargo pants, a hippy shirt, and some Mardi Gras Beads? It worked and turned heads. My honey kept hearing women say "did you see those tights?". I have literally had those tights in my closet for years and never opened them. I had gotten them for going to a Halloween Party and just never used them. Well they certainly came in handy tonight!)

My honey wore his Dr. Evil Shirt so maybe the three of us didn't make too much sense to the judges. One did like her costume quite a bit. She and another Sheltie were the only Angels out of the whole bunch.

Many of the shop keepers stood outside and handed out doggy treats to all the doggies who were dressed up or not dressed up on the main drag. Many had tried to give Blue Belle a treat but I usually had to take it and put it in her treat bag since she is such a slow eater. She always had to find a place to sit down and then takes her sweet time enjoying it. What a lady she is!)

Here she is wishing she could ride in this ship made out of a doggie stroller; this one placed. She actually followed this stroller for a little while and then we continued around just checking out all of the dogs in their costumes. I think what the judges were looking for was a theme for the owners and the dogs and me and Blue Belle must not have had a theme that was blending very well together. An Angel and a Pagen? I have no idea what my costume was except for Halloween Style? That's what me and my honey called it.

We also found this cute little Pomeranian who also placed and she just sat there posing for photographs. I think this little dog just had a knack for posing and just ate it up for everyone stopping to photograph him or her? She does look quite cute in the little hat and wears it well and of course knows it!)

I was so happy that we were able to get out together and have an awesome fun night. It was so incredibly romantic to have such a wonderful evening together just walking our dog in costume and being proud of everything. I didn't have any problems until I got home. I took my antidepressant and within 10 minutes of taking it; my mouth started watering like crazy and I went in and I puked at least all of what I ate that day. It was so horrible because I really hate puking. It hurt my throat so much and some puke even came out my nose (sorry for the explicit details but this is an honest blog of what I go through daily in fighting this horrible disease). My throat and my nose burned for what felt like beond recognition. I was so scared because it came out so fast and furious I thought my heart would stop. I cried and called my honey and he came home to take care of me immediately. (He was catching the rest of the Shark Game which he missed just for me to take me out to the Doggie Event)

I did try my very best to eat through out the day and with out an appetite; it's quite hard. I do have to use medicinal cannabis to help me with this problem and it is helping quite a bit but my intestines seem to be getting rid of things somewhat faster than I can intake or more than I injest?. I pray that I get can over this hump and not have to go on the Cancer feeding intravenous feedings. I am down to 110 today; yes still loosing 1lb per day and counting. Hopefully I will write soon about the recent weight gains. I still have much hope!)

Well today I have to see another doctor (I'm always seeing doctors) but this time it is for Tonto. He is having problems peeing. He can't and it is very worrysome and hopefully it won't cost a fortune as it did with the late Toonces. Tonto is only 5 years old (2/8/04) and it sucks that I couldn't get him to loose any weight and now he has the same problem as Old Toonces had. My neighbor is always feeding him treats and I know he can't say no to him and he (Tonto) knows it so well. He cries and demands things but lately he has been in hiding and trying so hard to go pee. I feel so bad for him but I do have an appointment to go see a vet today at 1:50pm. Here's to me finally gaining some weight and Tonto feeling much better!

UPDATE: Went and got my picc line dressing changed today and also went and picked up Tonto this evening. Tonto is doing OK; he still has to go back in the morning for more check ups and fluids. They were able to successfully unblock his ureter and did not have to use anesthesia. We caught him in the very, very early stages so we are very blessed and lucky! Old Toonce was caught in the late stages.

My weight tonight is: 114.5 (Yeah!) I smoked a whole joint through out the day and just made sure I pigged out as much as possible (it really did help me get the munchies through out the day!) even though the servings were very small; I tried to eat every few hours. I ate shit that I hated (Tiger Milk = 280 Calories, 24 grams Protein), I had fruit (cantaloupe and grapes), even at a Twix Bar which does have 280 calories (I know not supposed to eat sugar but this is for weight gain for right now), Mac & cheese with Tunafish (one thing I have to do for Tonto is to make sure he drinks lots of water and the only way to ensure he does is to use Tuna water from the can), even some nasty baby food. Yes, I'm very, very desperate but I'm trying my very best to get that weight up! So here's to more continued weight gain. No more 110lbs! That was scary this morning!(

Peace and Love to all!)

One Hard Wasted Week....

I had chemo on Monday and all this week has been complete energyless for me. I could barely get out of bed even on Wednesday and also Thursday. I almost feel like I wasted a whole week except that I did get to ride my bike twice today so that was an accomplishment. I think it must have been my biggest accomplishment for exercise this whole week. To say that has been a struggle to try to get rid of nausea and to gain some weight is a major understatement. It seems I have been loosing an average of about a lb per day. I am already down to 111 again and facing going back on the TPN (intravenous nutrition); again.

It was such a gorgeous day today and it was awesome to finally gain some amount of energy to get up and out of bed; off the couch; no painkillers except a few hours ago (none yesterday) I had some horrible spasms in my intestines. It felt so good to get on my bike and to ride around the block that I had to do it again an hour later. Blue Belle finally got some good quality exercise and looks beat right now.

Well Wednesday night we had some neighbors come over for just a little while as they dropped off some food for us. We invited them in for a little while for a glass of wine and we were just sitting there talking and laughing at certain things said (my honey and I have that problem sometimes!). Well anyway; Tonto and Blue Belle go at it for attention (they are both competing). She keeps herding him out of the house and then he will go outside for about 5 minutes; then he would come back inside crying and crying and it was like a full-blown conversation of cat talk and it's loud talk (sometimes I wish I was a pet psychic)? Then she would run him back outside; he would be outside for another 5-10 minutes or so and then he burst back in the doggie door at a full blown gallop. It was so hillarious. We would eventually go back to talking and then all of a sudden the 4 of us with the exception of my honey look over at our fireplace and Tonto is cleaning himself while also pleasuring himself at the same time. We just lost it and we all were laughing so hard that it hurt. I had tried to avoid laughing like that for a few months lately and this time I was OK. (I had just smoked a joint too = nausea and the serious need to gain some weight and eat!)

Yesterday (Thursday); I went to see my Psychiatrist whom I see mostly every 6 months just to make sure that I am handling things properly in my head. I really do like my psychiatrist and trust her judgment; she always seems impressed with my desire to live and to help others. It did make me feel good but I still decided that I should go on antidepressants. I basically told her that I have been having a very hard time since I had that talk with my Oncologist. I can't even change doctors because he is the only Gyno-Oncologist around in my area that specializes in my kind of cancer. There is another one who is way more negative and way less promising. There seems to be quite a bit of interns but after a while the ones that I end up liking and trusting the most with giving me some amount of hope end up leaving after a few years.

Anyway, I really needed to get on something to get me out of this funk of feeling so hopeless and scared; happy pills or antidepressants. My doctor did ask if I ever felt like killing myself or wishing that everything could just end and I had to say "No Way". I cried at just the thought of that. I am fighting this with all my heart and soul and wish to be around for quite a few more years. So we will see if these happy pills actually work; so far the nausea side effect that I was warned about proved true. I did ask my Psychiatrist if smoking cannabis would interfere with my antidepressant and she did tell me that this particular drug would have no interference with anything that I was on. I was thankful she was able to go into the computer to look at everything I have and am on (pain and spasms).

I'm hoping that the nausea and lethargy are coming to an end and that I will have more energy in the coming weeks. My chemo is scheduled every 3 weeks and the Clearity Foundation is now testing my tumor to see what can kill the Cancer more effectively. I just hope and pray that Kaiser will be willing to let me try the drug that proves to be effective on my tumors. Here's to more possitive thoughts and wishes! Peace and Love to all!)

Carboplatin and more fun to be had...

This weekend we went to 2 different events. One was just up the street in our next door town of Campbell; the Oktoberfest (Saturday). It was quite crowded so we didn't bring Miss Blue Belle with us for fear she might get stepped on in the crowd but our neighbor's daughter begged us to bring her. It was more of a adult thing but she still managed to have fun despite all the beer. There were so many booths and I ended up buying a gorgeous new purse which my old purses leave little to be desired. They all look so old and tattered and now I have a new Teal colored purse and matching change purse!) I'll even sport it at some Shark's games!)

Well the very next morning I had to wake up early so that I could go get my dressing changed on my picc line and my blood drawn for chemo on Monday. I ended up staying until 12:30pm with them inject TCM or TPA? or something to eliminate blot clots and my red line was definitely clogged but anyway; my neighbor's daughter called to find out if she could go with us to the dog show and I didn't know for sure if we could make it because I didn't know how long I would be here (hospital) trying to get unclogged.

Finally at 12:45pm blood was finally coming out of that red line so I could then go. The nurse then unhooked me, I left the hospital and got home around 1pm and then got ready for the dog show. I called my honey who was at the local pub watching the Packer game and told him and that we are ready to go the dog show! He came home and picked us both up actually all 3 of us. Neighbor's daughter, Blue Belle and Me!) It was good ride there and no idea that things were about to go bad (just for a little while).

We finally made it to the Pleasanton Dog Show (Del Valle Dog Show) at the Alameda Fair Grounds and we paid $8 for parking. No one was working the front ticket window and everything just seemed open so we walked right on in. It was a 3 day doggie event with the Rare breeds being shown on Saturday and we wanted to see the Shelties and Collies. We got to see Great Danes, Irish Setters, Basenji's, and Gray Ghosts (forgot the breed = Weimaraner(sp)) strut their stuff across the show ring. There was also a big dog show that basically had the best of big dog breeds (Great Danes, Big White Dogs, Mastiffs, and Newfandlands, and a big dog that's cow colored like one of those miniature cows= Wee Belties?)

Blue Belle got a good look at how all the dogs were acting in the ring and I kind of think she was feeling a bit left out; kinda like she wanted to be in that show ring showin her stuff!). I think she wants to compete in something one day. This got me thinking about Agility or herding or maybe even some frisbee (she would like that!).

We mostly walked around and just checked out all the other dogs that were just walking around with their owners probably doing the same as us; checking everything out and then there are those buses parked inside with a nice grooming table and a beautiful dog being worked on right there. It was very cool to see so many dogs just looking their best. I got a kick out this one dog with a huge butt and the little pony tails this lady had tied on his. It looked so funny and this dog had this gait of walking where those ponytails and a bunch of hair on big ass just jiggled up and down. I wish a perfect song for that; just to hear and see him walk to one would be cool!). Then he had on a scarf on his/her head. What a sight to see!

I just took it all in and just enjoyed everything around me. I was just having a blast just being there and seeing all that was around me. It wasn't just empty buildings as most would see; if you looked hard enough you could see some amazing things in between. There were a bunch of huge coaches (buses) with little pens set up with beautiful dogs filling each of the pens.

Everything was fun until the neighbor girl started suffering from some major, major PMS and just started acting majorly bratty. I think she might have even been suffering before but I didn't notice it that much (it just got progressively worse until meltdown)? She was mostly just being very demanding and then feeling sorry for herself and stuff like that; not that fun to be around but I made the most of it. I tried being cheerful as I usually am and I had all reason to be! It was like she was 6 years old and having a tantrum over not being able to lead the way around or being able to get every one her ways? Nothing seemed to made her happy; she was able to buy herself some lunch and she went and sat by herself nearby as we watched the Great Dane Show. I looked over at her as she ate her lunch and she looked as if she had this major scowl on her face as if she was not having a good time at all. I could definitely sense some tension building up but I ignored it. Me and my honey were not at all hungry for fairground food (definitely not me!) so we didn't buy us anything to eat mostly because we weren't hungry for hamburgers and hotdogs; we ate right before we left? I think she might have wanted us to eat with her somehow? Well we couldn't so we enjoyed the Great Dane Show!

Well she continued to act as if she was not having a good time at all and then acting as if she knew where we were going (this place is huge and easy to get lost if you don't know where you are going) just kept wanting to go in the opposite direction of where we wanted to go. My honey was searching for the Sheltie ring and knew exactly where it was; we had missed the show but did get to see quite a few lovely little shelties that were much smaller than Miss Blue Belle. I think she might be a tad too large for show standards. Anyway our neighbor still wanted to lead the way even though she had never been there ever before. We were going one way and she announced that she wanted to go this way and it was the way out and we had just gone that particular way when we first got there and there was still so much to see. It was getting quite annoying as bratty complaining continued and then the poutiness and then announcing that she needed to be home by 5pm and that she needed to be in bed no later than 7pm and that she had to go to school the very next day; it was only 2:30pm?. It was very, very demanding. She just went on and on and on and on.

Finally I just couldn't take it anymore and I told my honey that we would be right back. We had a little talk together as we walked a certain path that she had wanted to go and I asked her if she would like for us to leave right away and she kept saying no and then she started complaining that we were not going where she wanted to go. Then she started complaining about my honey and then about me taking so many pictures and so many other things. Well, I let her know that this was our day out (me and my honey's) and that she did indeed invite herself to go with us. I had to remind her of that. We never asked if she could come; she invited herself and that while she is going to an event where we go each and every year, she needs to calm down and try to enjoy what is around us and that is gorgeous dogs getting brushed and cared for in all corners of this place, dogs being shown and there are vendors (that's not the whole thing), there's the dog shows and all kinds of dogs everywhere!. I also told her that I don't need any stress at all to please don't stress me out over any of this. I asked her to please just be glad that she was able to come with us. She blamed her meltdown on her PMS and I asked her to please edit what comes out of her mouth and to try not to be negative for the rest of the day; soak it up!. I also reminded her again "I don't need any stress at all right now; I have chemo tomorrow and I'm not feeling so good but I'm making the best of it!". She still acted a little bratty for the rest of the day until our ride home when she went to sleep. Maybe she needed a nap? My honey and I don't have kids, just pets that don't talk back to us and that's kind of nice sometimes.

Don't get me wrong; I love our neighbor kid to death but sometimes she acts like a teenager and sometimes an infant, and sometimes its not always so pleasant, sometimes she's fun and awesome to be around. Maybe it's good that I'm not a mom and that it's meant to be that I fight this disease and perhaps for the rights of other patients to stay alive much longer. I really do feel that medical cannabis could benefit so many patients in so many more states. I am glad that more money won't be wasted at least in the states where medical cannabis is legal but also those states where it not yet. It should be legal everywhere in my opinion. Perhaps more people could get along?

Well, that very night (The night before chemo); I couldn't use my right arm. It ached horribly; it still hurts even today a day after chemo but not as bad as it did on Sunday night. I got the laundry done and my kitchen cleaned all with left arm. I didn't use my right arm at all with everything. I think the chemical they used may have caused the pain and it still hurts.

Well I got through my chemo yesterday and today I awoke in severe nausea. I puked twice (nasty green shit) and then the rest of the day just felt incredibly lethargic. I hardly had any appetite or enough energy to do much of anything. The only thing I did was sweep and mop my floor. My honey reminded me to take my pain killers and Cipro (antibiotic for kidney/bladder infection). I'm so thankful to have him in my life and we remind each other that every day. I think it is important in a marriage to save I love you at least 10 times a day or just something appreciative of one another.

I am considering going on some sort of an antidepressant because I keep having recurring thoughts of that conversation between my doctor weeks ago and only having 6 more months to live. I know in my heart that I do have more time than that; but I always think in the back of my head "what if he is right?". I'm still trying to live everyday like it's my last except today? I kinda of just felt like being lazy today and sleeping most of the day away. But I also have been crying a lot lately over everything; it was pretty traumatic for me to have that conversation with my doctor and it has been haunting me a lot lately. I hate all this crying and I can't control it all that much; I try my best but I think it is about time I did something about it.

I do hope after I get through this chemo haze; I will have a lot more energy to get out and do more each day and not be wasting them away being so tired; what fun is that? Well to get back to seeing my shrink and getting on some sort of antidepressant; I hate having to do this but at this time; I do feel they are necessary. I had a severe anxiety attack just the other night that really scared the shit of me (I think I shit more than I ate that day too; no pun intended!) and I really thought I was going to die. I was hyperventilating to the point that I thought my heart was going to stop. I kept thinking about my doctor telling me that they would have to insert tubes down my throat to keep me alive and it just terrifying me like nothing else. I'm really trying to stay strong and to keep on living but sometimes it can be very hard because I don't always know what's going on inside me. Maybe being on some happy pills for right now might help things and get my mind out of the gutter because thinking of my own mortality can't be healthy. I kind of feel like my mind is like a broken record that just needs some fixing. I would love to be in denial over all of this? I don't know; it just scares the crap out of me and I don't want to be scared anymore.

I'm not sure if that is normal to feel that way but I'm thinking I need the advice of a shrink or therapist. I'm not giving up hope; that's for sure. I just want to make sure that I'm handling this appropriately and if I need some help; then I need some help. I'm going to fight this as hard as I can and try my very best to have as many good days as I possibly can; and if I need happy pills to do that; than so be it!). That's my goal in this life!) Peace & Love to all!)

Another Bladder Infection fighting....

Well it is apparent that I do have another bladder / kidney infection to fight; I'm on Cipro now every 12 hours; although the sleep patterns are quite off. I have been working all week trying to get it right (my honey isn't making it any easier!). The Cipro must be taken at least every 11-13 hours; minimum and maximum and the ideal time is every 12 hours. I got the medication on Tuesday after 3pm and I needed to take it right away because that was when the pain was at its worst (kidneys). We had such a storm on Tuesday with water going everywhere. (up, down, sideways, you name it) It was horrible just to be out in that crap much less having to drive in it; but if you drive like Grandma as I do; you can get through just about anything!) With everything getting so wet; even my mail went to the wrong house and came back soaking wet from some neighbors; the pages were all stuck together from my disability insurance agent.

We had a new mail person on route and this happens often; we have had tons of mail lost in our complex. There are so many units to keep track off that often times our mail will end up in a stronger's slot only to be thrown out and I totally understand why; it's happened to me too. We have had total stranger's mail in our slots too from blocks away; I meant to stop by and drop it off but never had the chance too; you get too busy and you forget sometime; this happen many times and sometimes you just never get a chance to drop it off so you just shred it. (the ones I got were junk mail like credit card applications; nothing important!)

Well, I had more of wet cat to worry about than I did anything. With all the rain and the one trait that all Manx have is that they are indeed drawn to water like a duck. Tonto just played in puddles trying to catch every drop that landed and made fun ripples in the water. He wanted to chase all those ripples in the water and then he would come inside soaking wet; screaming and crying and then tracking all over my freshly mopped floor. We had enough of that; so we closed off the doggie door. Both animals were stuck inside with us until we remembered that Tonto's box is also outside. He was a good boy and held it for a good 12-13 hours; he sure squeamed and cried about going outside for the first hour and that was it; he most just chatted with us the rest of the day if we were listening.

It was a mess when my honey checked it out on Wednesday morning. What a mess he had on his hands and so far Mr. Tonto has not messed in our home! Oh God am I thankful! I hate cleaning up nasty animal poo messes especially with my appetite and my easiness to vomit while being on this antibiotic. Some smells can even trigger my nausea.

I did have to shave Tonto's butt and that's another thing about rumpie (totally tailless) Manxs and because of their double coat; they tend to get crusties (poopie butt) back there and one undignified thing that I have to do is to shave my cat's ass ever now and then. I used to work in a vet's office and am quite skilled at trimming nails, handling animals in the worst situations and even calming them down; I never fear furry animals; only wiggly squirmy ones. Anyway, my honey had to totally clean out the cat box while I had to clean and oil his (Tonto's) shaver and shave his ass.

While I shaved the cat's ass, my husband had the duty of cleaning out a wet cat box. It was clay and shit he had to deal with; what a mess that was; but he did it and we had to bring the cat box back in for the winter months; back to his little front closet. He got all fresh clean litter and nice clean butt!) Tonto got the royal treatment on Wednesday.

Well a manx cat does have webbed feet and my cat's feet are huge. Imagine these feet; going out into the rain and everything else that falls off of trees in this time of year (I had leaves and all kinds of dirt and shell pieces; you name it on my beautiful floor). I had to sweep that floor a few times before we decided to keep the pets in. The cat came in like 4 times soaking wet; screaming his ass off to dry him off. He loves to be dried off with a nice fresh towel; and yes, he's a bit spoiled.

Wednesday it was nice to be able to hang with my honey doing housework and pet work. Next week will hopefully be a week where we get to go to San Francisco to see friends we haven't seen in while; tomorrow is the big Dog show in Pleasanton, CA. Blue Belle is all cleaned up and just had a bath. I brushed and groomed her to the best of my abilities (I still remember what my brother Bill had taught me) Our neighbor's daughter is also very excited to go. Hope to post quite a few awesome photos in my next post. (We are going on Sunday for the "All Breeds" = Saturday is the "Rare Breeds"!)

As for my health; I am still going through my kidney/bladder infection; dealing with having to be close by a bathroom at all times; but other than that; still sticking with an excellent diet. I have had to stay home on a few occations and not go out with friends because of being on this antibiotic. (it's messing up my intestines). I am a little worried because on Monday; I am starting Cisplatinum. Yes, another chemo drug but only at the advice of this sweet doctor at the Clearity Foundation. She didn't feel I should sit on these tumors in such delicate places. I have friends who are donating more nausea medication (plant derived) for my chemo treatments since Carboplatinum is notorious for bringing about the nausea. I will be prepared and I won't need to go back on intravenous feeding. I did weigh in at 117 but hopefully I can get those lbs back if I munch around the house some more!)

The Clearity Foundation has agreed to pay for all of my testing since Kaiser will not cover anything they are doing. I was in tears when I received that email and shocked that this organization would reach out to me like this. What an awesome organization for women like me! I hope all of this will one day save many womens lives and I'm sure they already have. The founder is a survivor and I do have faith and much hope. The Clearity Foundation is a non-profit organization which does survive on donations and I felt that since this organization does much to help other patients like me to survive this disease much longer and is constantly working towards better treatments; I will be helping in my own way to help raise money for their live saving organization. If we all work together; we can reach solutions and even cures for this deadly disease. I have already made up my mind that I will survive this disease for as long as I possibly can. I want to help as many patients as possible; whether they are doing what I do or they have discovered something else.

I'm trying all kinds of things right now; a hedgeapple which has really cleared up my skin, Goat Milk shakes (goat is alkaline), living on sprouts, fresh greens, Liquid Zeolite, Yoga, Meditation, and of course my lifesaving Pot!) My Cannabis! It is saving my life like I never imagined it would and I hope that other states will allow patients to use what they feel is necessary to save their lives. Why arrest someone who is only trying to live as long as possibly can? Healthcare should be about saving lives and not just about making executives wealthier. We need to fix this broken system. Passing up lives that also deserve to live is wrong. (denying coverage for pre-existing conditions is wrong) - My sincere apologies for getting so political.

I can't predict the future; but I can do my best right now and cease those important moments! I hope that made sense; in other words; I will try not to waste any more time! Peace & Love to all!)

BAD JOKE WARNING: Well my husband and I were sitting there watching TV late one night when this annoying commercial came on for this website or tech company where you text your questions to them for answers and not sure how much each answer costs; probably $5 per question, but they had an example of what one would ask and it was supposed to be funny; A dude was trying to buy a bra for his girlfriend and he did not know what size she was when the store clerk came over to ask him and she was beautiful and voluptuous. When she asked the question he tried to compare to the store clerks boobs but she asked him to compare them to apples, oranges, melons, or even pumpkins; Of course his answer was Melons! I got a little disappointed since mine couldn't even be considered lemons or even limes; so I asked my honey so can we both agree that mine are crab cakes with a pine nut on each one? We laughed so hard over that one! Yes we tell each other dirty jokes everyday and I hope to tell you all the good ones and that one was not so good. I would give it a C. Laughter is also very, very, very, very important no matter what! We laugh at each other all day; every day most of the time.

Go Sharks & some good Kharma....

Well I had my meeting with my doctor as planned and talked over my options and paperwork from the Clearity Foundation. He looked up one of the websites and was a little irritated at one of the founders who apparently is making a fortune on these genetic tests; but if they really work to help more women survive this deadly disease longer; then he must be doing something right. I don't care; I just wish to live. Perhaps him making so much obscene money is further proof that health care costs need to be re-evaluated then so be it.

I haven't been fortunate enough to have my own genetic testing or to have my tumors evaluated like this; I want something that really works. I don't want to keep on taking these same drugs that are also killing me as well as the Cancer; I want to try other drugs that are out there that might just work on my cancer and put me into remission. I don't feel the same as my doctors; that I am a lost cause. I have plenty of life left in me and I want to inspire the world if I can to live each day with meaning. Don't stress on the small things or even big things that you have no control over; try to look around them and see the good in all situations. I know I have.

While we were in the doctor's office; my pain started up and my intestines were stirring and I just started crying and doubled up in pain. It was horrible; I had forgotten to take my pain medication for the day; of all days to forget while going to the doctor's office. As I was sitting there, we had been going through the paperwork that I had wanted to have filled out. I started cramping up and doubling up in pain so he immediately had the nurse take me over to the infusion center where we sat next to a very young man who was very much into music; he must have been in his early 20's with the same picc line as myself. Well, to begin with Christine had led over to a chair to sit while I waited for my pain medication.

The young man was getting his chemotherapy and we all were talking about Neil Young and the Bridge School Benefit where Metallica had played very awesome acoustic just last year and that this year's Bridge School would be equally awesome with more great talents. We were just sitting there with Christine who works in the infusion center and is a huge fan of Paul McCartney. We had to tell her about going to see Bob Dylan. We were supposed to see the Sharks play and my husband kept telling me that we are not going if you are in this amount of pain. I kept telling him; "I'm not missing out on the Sharks!". I don't care; I don't want us to miss out on an evening out together. I was very much looking forward to going to see the Sharks play.

I had a good friend give my husband and I tickets to go see our beloved Sharks. They didn't win in the shoot out and it was 0-0 game the whole way. How weird it was that not one point was scored during the whole entire game?; each goalie had a shutout and even those 5 minutes of overtime; no goal was ever scored. At least the shootout Sharks only scored 1 point and the Coyotes (Phoenix) scored 2 points. It was a bummer they lost but we still had a killer evening together!)

We didn't see any scores but we did get to sit in the second row for part of the 1st period. It was so amazing being able to sit that close. Neither of us have ever sat that close at a hockey game! Some of the players slammed up against the glass and I squealed once while everyone on the row laughed at me and I laughed too with them of course. They all knew we were 1st timers just checking out the view for a little while. I got so carried away with my camera that I ended up taking 576 photos in one evening of fun! I couldn't help myself; this 2009 will hopefully be the best ever; hopefully not the last!

Right after we had traded the tickets back; while we were sitting in our assigned seats; the game had stopped for just a few minutes and a give away was announced. We didn't really give it much thought because we hardly ever win anything when we go these events. My husband heard our section and then our row announced and we both figured that only one person from that row would win something; but no; it was everyone on our row who won a free T-shirt and double CD of the Beatles Classic hits. It started on each side passing CDs and T-shirts in two different directions until everyone had something on our row. We played the CD in the car and it sounded amazing on the way back from the game! We were so happy to have won something! I'm know that I'm giving my CD and T-shirt to the person who gave us the tickets! The T-shirt and CDs both have the date 9/9/09 on them? Still a great prize, my honey's T-shirt fits him perfectly but I ended up with XL which will swallow me whole anyway!)

As I was snapping away at all the excitement of the game, my husband looked over and spotted Neil Young just watching the game with his son. Now we just saw Bob Dylan on Saturday night and then to see this touching moment with him with his son; now they are holding hands and watching the game together. I kept snapping shots of him for my home movie and it was just amazing and beautiful to see him with his son at the game having a good time. It was ironic that we had been talking earlier about going to see the Bridge School Benefit Concert which helps raise money for physically challenged children such as his own. What a great dad! I could just see the love between the two of them as they watched the game peacefully.

After the game we stopped briefly for a beer (I only drank half of my Guiness). What a fun, fun evening to have spent with my honey. Even though the Sharks didn't win, we still had a blast. It was kind of a magical evening. While in the bar, they were having Karoke and the nerve never struck me to get up. We stayed for about 1/2 an hour and then left when my kidney started hurting. I now know that I do have to start more antibiotics tomorrow in case I am getting an infection. This will prevent me from going into the hospital once again for another infection. I'm also doubling up on the cranberry juice! Well one bummer is that I did loose some weight being off the TPN and am down to 119.5 which isn't so bad. The cool thing is that the dietitian did tell me that it would be normal for me to loose a few lbs after getting off the TPN. I won't sweat it but I will try to keep munching as much as possible!)

I'm still trying to eat as much as possible but it does require smoking part of joint each day and sometimes up to a whole one. At least it works and I'm keeping my appetite while laughing at myself through out the day as I do and say such spacey things!) At least my sense of humor never suffers!) I'm also able to get things done around the house like laundry, dishes, cleaning, sweeping and mopping the new floor, and my honey is reserved to vacuuming. He thinks that's too heavy work for me. Sometimes if I have the extreme diarrhea, I will take the Zofran (nausea medication) usually constipates me and doesn't ever give me the munchies like pot can. Because of the stomach surgery, I'm most often nauseated and haven't been able to get an appetite on my own. Maybe my purpose in life is to prove this plant really does work to save lives? It is saving mine; especially right now! It might even be prolonging my life right now. I know I need those munchies now more than ever!) Here's to more hard headness and continuing this fight to stay alive! I'm not giving up and will continue to have fun with my husband!) Peace and Love to all!

Another Dream come true - Bob Dylan...

I have to admit ever since I was about 7 years old; I fell in love with Bob Dylan; not sure why; I think back then it was because he looked so much like Jiminy Cricket (that's what my mom would always say when she made fun of me for liking his music so much). His voice was so ultra annoying to most but for me; I loved just listening to the music; it wasn't just his voice but it was also his way with words or lyrics as they are more commonly called. He always seemed to have the very best lyrics ever! I wanted so bad to be able to see this musician live; just once in my life.

He toured around but his tickets commanded such a high price and were often in venues where they were almost always sold out. I did make it to several of Neil Young's Bridge School Benefit concerts for disabled children and I am not sure if Bob Dylan ever made it to one of those shows; it seems that you just might see him at one or so I thought I would but it never happened.

When my my husband and I lived in Mountain View near Shoreline Amphitheater; we would ride our bikes to the very top of the hill near where sometimes we could see the stage to sneak and listen; we could never really see the stage and they usually had these huge guards on horseback to keep people like us out from trying to watch the shows for free; at least we got to listen to the show for free while we were out riding our bikes. It was always awesome to do that; sometimes we were lucky enough to make sure some tickets didn't go to waste and those with extra tickets for their flaky friends who didn't show up; we would usually make sure those tickets were never wasted or that those individuals did not eat the tickets or walk in with unused tickets. It's a sin to let tickets go to waste!

Well to get back to one of my dreams and that was to actually see Bob Dylan in Concert. A very special friend of mine was not able to go to the show herself with her friend so she gave my husband and I the tickets for free. She wanted the two of us to have a special fun night together and for one of my dreams to come true. I got to see Bob Dylan perform last night and I was able to call someone on the concert line in order to ask special permission to bring my camera to take photos in order to document my fun life and that life still goes on for me despite my diagnosis. The person on the line was convinced that if I told my story to the people at the front office they would be sure to go for it. We didn't take a chance but I do plan to write Bob Dylan and those at the show that I did get to take these fabulous shots at the show.

Well I couldn't do this since there were so many people in line to check; I just kept it quiet. One thing I was incredibly thankful for was bringing my own toilet paper. I brought a big purse with my cosmetics, brush, toilet paper and an extra black hat with my camera safely tucked inside. We made it past security and I felt guilty at first taking photos but this is for my 2009 movie; hopefully not my last movie but I do plan to give it my all! I did have to go to the restroom a few times while I was there (right before we left for Berkeley, one of my neighbors had a place a huge care package on my front doorstep which included this wonderful little doggie flashlight) which worked out perfectly for finding my way around in the dark. I bought my honey two beers for $20 and they were tiny little beers. I could not believe the mark-up; 10 oz beers for $10, actually $9 for the beer and $1 for the tip. Wow!

Yes, we still had a blast except for trying to find a restroom in the city of Berkeley and Oakland after the show. I am still kind of fighting a small infection in my bladder but I was in such bad pain after the show just trying to find a restroom. We drove around and around and around and finally we got to this service station where they told me that their restroom was out of service; by this time I was crying; I couldn't help it. We finally found a place further down at this Korean Bar and Grill. They were nice enough to let me use the restroom and they were having a blast what ever they were doing in there. It was a happening place in the middle of no where in Oakland or Berkeley?

See told you I would have a nice surprise to write about and I have another one for tomorrow! I can't jinx myself with my health; NO WAY!

I also got a very sweet email from another fellow blogger who blogs about making music, album and music reviews and basically Rock and Roll! Here is the blog post for all who are interested in reading. I was very touched by his posts and his writings. I wish him much success!

I do have a doctor's appointment with my chemo doctor and paperwork for him to fill out from the Clearity Foundation. As we were filling out some of the forms over the phone; the founder who had called me; told me that we both shared the exact same birth date; WOW I thought; this is meant to be;! not only is she a Stage IIIC Ovarian Cancer Survivor and an MD; but we share the same birthday too! This woman really does have a heart of gold to be wanting to save my life and I am so honored by that!) The Clearity Foundation will be covering all costs that Kaiser will not cover; I am going to get the BRCA 1/2; HNPCC tests which are basically genetic type tests and it helps Oncologists to be able to find a drug which will work for my type of cancer since my cancer is not like the next persons.

All cancer is different as they are mutant cells that the immune system somehow was not strong enough to fight. Well my immune system is going to get stronger somehow (from all the healthy stuff I'm doing; something has to work!) I also have many awesome people praying for me and sending me lots of healing thoughts and prayers. I have faith in that. I will update on how my meeting will go with my doctor and if I can get all of the forms filled out. This whole process will be documented and hopefully can help many other patients for whom their doctors have given up hope on. I now have faith and hope that I can beat this beast inside me!) Peace and Love to all!

Bagless and Loving it!

Well the thought I am thinking now is "wow! What an amazing cat I have!". I just took him and Blue Belle out for a walk this evening (after it had just gotten dark) and I ran into my neighbor (Belle's best friend Tess's mom). Anyway, Tonto is just walking along and then sees my neighbor and goes into stuck up mode (but it's really shy mode, he just makes it seem like stuck up mode). I had to hold him just for a little while and then I put him back on the ground in order to massage his neck while Tess tried to give him kisses. I kinda shielded him a little because I could really tell that he really wanted to bitch slap Tess more than anything but the massage made him happy enough to not want to; he was content for the moment. After she would have enough of trying to kiss Tonto; she would go back to Blue Belle for kisses. I wasn't able to get any shots of Tess tonight since she was moving to fast for the flash but I did get these few of Blue Belle and Tonto.

So then Blue Belle and Tess ran around for a little bit and it was a little dark but I still brought my camera to capture some shots. Forgive this shot; I didn't realize he was peeing but he does this from time to time and I suppose it helps out my honey in having to clean out the cat box. He actually goes nuts the entire time that I or my husband takes him out on walks. He wants to go too and it seems with all the screaming and crying he has been making; he would rather be an outdoor cat. I don't know exactly what I have created; he's very chubby and can not eat any more than he does during the day; not even sure what he gets from the neighbors on either side of the fence since he can make them think that I starve him to death but he doesn't look at all like he is starved to death.

I can't let him out with out a leash in the big wide world or he would get diseases from the farrow cats; I know he would kill quite a few birds, mice, rats, squirrels, and other small rodents to add to his growing girth. He could also get hit by a car or hurt by raccoons that sometimes roam the streets at night. He talks to me quite a bit and sometimes I go nutty and talk right back to him; telling him that there is no way he going to be an outdoor kitty. He needs to be happy for what he already has; Blue Belle lives in the moment and is always fascinated with right now but Tonto holds grudges sometimes and isn't always pleased with what is going on right now; only sometimes when he plays with his toys or is eating or walking outside on his leash. He isn't too happy about the leash but he is a good sport about it. It's the best I can do so that he can go outside to play. Sorry to go on and on about my kitty but he did make me laugh and stress free for part of the day and a lot of the time that I get to spend with him. He is an excellent stress reducer. Well Blue Belle does the same for me in different ways in that she gets to go with me on special errands around town.

I have an appointment with my Chemo doctor on Monday at 3:30pm and I will be getting him to fill out some paperwork for the Clearity Foundation as well as the Business Office. The found is is also an Ovarian Cancer Survivor and I know she believes in me after reading my blog. I wrote her an email after a dear of friend of mine gave me the link to her website. I was so inspired by all the questions she asked of my disease (it was all the right questions as if she wanted to get something done to cure me). She sure gave me a lot of hope and inspiration especially after reading her website. I would love to raise money for her organization as well since her organization does so much for other Ovarian Cancer Survivors. I want to be healed; not treated and then left to die. I do have lots of fight left in me and I would love to be on a chemo drug that really worked; not some guess.

Well here I am drinking some liquid chemo (red cabbage, spinach, carrots, and some bean sprout juice). I juiced this one on my own with my Jack LaLanne Juicer! Yum, yum! I'm also drinking a glass of carrot juice, and 2 servings of Evolution Brand Essential Greens, and Carrot, Beet, and Celery. I drink 1 bottle per day, and now I am having Oatmeal and Flax for breakfast with a glass of orange and carrot juice. I try to eat through out the day; since Goat Milk is considered to have more alkaline properties; I mix with Dairy and a scoop of whey protein and then have that with some ginger cookies or bread. I just got off the TPN just days ago (Wednesday), this is my 2nd day off the juice! I am maintaining my weight so far and am still above 120lbs. Yippee! I am now bagless! So Yes, that's the big news! I'm off the feedbag for right now! I will have to maintain my weight and eat like a pig for right now. I'm trying by getting the munchies as much as possible.

Although lately I have been suffering from some pretty bad intestinal pain; I have been having to take pain medication but it's the worst kind of pain. It feels as if my intestines are coming out of my butthole. Why must I get these undignified types of pain that is so embarrassing to tell anyone when they say; "how are you feeling" or "how are you doing?". "Well to be quite honest, my asshole hurts like fuck, why do you ask?" No I do not tell anyone this, my main answer to everything; I'm that little kitten that's just hanging in there. I always think that everytime I answer. I'm dealing with pain in any way that I can and I'm surviving the impossible. The pain is worth tolerating for this life!

All those who help me; are kind to me, love me, and are just there for me; make that butthole pain all the more worth putting up with!) It's just temporary pains sometimes and it sucks that it occurs while I am shitting (Oh god is that a good thing because abdominal blocks are damn shitty to have to deal with!(. OH GOD do they suck and at least I'm going; granted it's painful and pain pills work like a charm. The intestinal pains and spasms only occur when I am going and its almost like aftershocks sometimes. I have to do the sitz bath each time and I always worry about these episodes each time I go out. Sometimes I accidentally over do it and end up on the couch for a while just resting and getting over the pain, but other times it just goes away and life is able to go on.

I usually don't like to write about events before they happen but I do have a surprise post for Sunday; I will be busy on Saturday and that's all I can say. I can't jinx myself at all because I really want this dream of mine to come true. It seems every time I plan something and then say something about it; I get jinxed and end up in the hospital or somehow unable to go. Its kind of the Missouri thing in me where I don't believe something happens until it actually happens; so please be in for a surprise on Sunday when I post next. Peace and love to all!

Oh Congrats to my favorite president today! He won the Nobel Peace Prize and I'm so happy for him. He's so very humble about it but I do believe he has made great strides in making peace with the rest of the world. I'm so very proud of him!