One Hard Wasted Week....

I had chemo on Monday and all this week has been complete energyless for me. I could barely get out of bed even on Wednesday and also Thursday. I almost feel like I wasted a whole week except that I did get to ride my bike twice today so that was an accomplishment. I think it must have been my biggest accomplishment for exercise this whole week. To say that has been a struggle to try to get rid of nausea and to gain some weight is a major understatement. It seems I have been loosing an average of about a lb per day. I am already down to 111 again and facing going back on the TPN (intravenous nutrition); again.

It was such a gorgeous day today and it was awesome to finally gain some amount of energy to get up and out of bed; off the couch; no painkillers except a few hours ago (none yesterday) I had some horrible spasms in my intestines. It felt so good to get on my bike and to ride around the block that I had to do it again an hour later. Blue Belle finally got some good quality exercise and looks beat right now.

Well Wednesday night we had some neighbors come over for just a little while as they dropped off some food for us. We invited them in for a little while for a glass of wine and we were just sitting there talking and laughing at certain things said (my honey and I have that problem sometimes!). Well anyway; Tonto and Blue Belle go at it for attention (they are both competing). She keeps herding him out of the house and then he will go outside for about 5 minutes; then he would come back inside crying and crying and it was like a full-blown conversation of cat talk and it's loud talk (sometimes I wish I was a pet psychic)? Then she would run him back outside; he would be outside for another 5-10 minutes or so and then he burst back in the doggie door at a full blown gallop. It was so hillarious. We would eventually go back to talking and then all of a sudden the 4 of us with the exception of my honey look over at our fireplace and Tonto is cleaning himself while also pleasuring himself at the same time. We just lost it and we all were laughing so hard that it hurt. I had tried to avoid laughing like that for a few months lately and this time I was OK. (I had just smoked a joint too = nausea and the serious need to gain some weight and eat!)

Yesterday (Thursday); I went to see my Psychiatrist whom I see mostly every 6 months just to make sure that I am handling things properly in my head. I really do like my psychiatrist and trust her judgment; she always seems impressed with my desire to live and to help others. It did make me feel good but I still decided that I should go on antidepressants. I basically told her that I have been having a very hard time since I had that talk with my Oncologist. I can't even change doctors because he is the only Gyno-Oncologist around in my area that specializes in my kind of cancer. There is another one who is way more negative and way less promising. There seems to be quite a bit of interns but after a while the ones that I end up liking and trusting the most with giving me some amount of hope end up leaving after a few years.

Anyway, I really needed to get on something to get me out of this funk of feeling so hopeless and scared; happy pills or antidepressants. My doctor did ask if I ever felt like killing myself or wishing that everything could just end and I had to say "No Way". I cried at just the thought of that. I am fighting this with all my heart and soul and wish to be around for quite a few more years. So we will see if these happy pills actually work; so far the nausea side effect that I was warned about proved true. I did ask my Psychiatrist if smoking cannabis would interfere with my antidepressant and she did tell me that this particular drug would have no interference with anything that I was on. I was thankful she was able to go into the computer to look at everything I have and am on (pain and spasms).

I'm hoping that the nausea and lethargy are coming to an end and that I will have more energy in the coming weeks. My chemo is scheduled every 3 weeks and the Clearity Foundation is now testing my tumor to see what can kill the Cancer more effectively. I just hope and pray that Kaiser will be willing to let me try the drug that proves to be effective on my tumors. Here's to more possitive thoughts and wishes! Peace and Love to all!)