WARNING: Some of the Content here may be Objectionable to some. I have this blog labeled as "Adult Only" as a common courtesy for those who may easily be offended by Adult topics such as the Truth, Down to Earth topics, realities of living with Ovarian Cancer and/or any life threatening disease that goes along with it; Sexuality, Medicinal Cannabis, Profanity, and of course plenty of unpleasant body functions are also discussed here. This is a very tough battle for which I don't intend to hold anything back on what I am facing.

This blog is very personal and comes from the heart of a real fighting cancer patient who wishes nothing more than to live for all of those I love my own will to live, and my love of life. While sometimes I might be on heavy medication (prescribed by my doctor) and occasionally I might write about things or subjects that one may never even think about or consider; so please consider that as well. Yes; whacked out things might even be found here; but I mean everything in all good intentions.

This blog is not at all intended for the faint hearted, those who lack a sense of humor, have no idea what down to earth means, greedy mean people, and/or those who don't know how to share the world with others, and especially those who are unable to easily put themselves into the shoes of others. This blog is mostly about my journey of living my life in the best ways that I can under the Golden Rule and appreciating all of the GOOD KHARMA that comes my way! Never take anything in this world for granted; especially family and friends!

Tuesday, October 20, 2009

Carboplatin and more fun to be had...

This weekend we went to 2 different events. One was just up the street in our next door town of Campbell; the Oktoberfest (Saturday). It was quite crowded so we didn't bring Miss Blue Belle with us for fear she might get stepped on in the crowd but our neighbor's daughter begged us to bring her. It was more of a adult thing but she still managed to have fun despite all the beer. There were so many booths and I ended up buying a gorgeous new purse which my old purses leave little to be desired. They all look so old and tattered and now I have a new Teal colored purse and matching change purse!) I'll even sport it at some Shark's games!)

Well the very next morning I had to wake up early so that I could go get my dressing changed on my picc line and my blood drawn for chemo on Monday. I ended up staying until 12:30pm with them inject TCM or TPA? or something to eliminate blot clots and my red line was definitely clogged but anyway; my neighbor's daughter called to find out if she could go with us to the dog show and I didn't know for sure if we could make it because I didn't know how long I would be here (hospital) trying to get unclogged.

Finally at 12:45pm blood was finally coming out of that red line so I could then go. The nurse then unhooked me, I left the hospital and got home around 1pm and then got ready for the dog show. I called my honey who was at the local pub watching the Packer game and told him and that we are ready to go the dog show! He came home and picked us both up actually all 3 of us. Neighbor's daughter, Blue Belle and Me!) It was good ride there and no idea that things were about to go bad (just for a little while).

We finally made it to the Pleasanton Dog Show (Del Valle Dog Show) at the Alameda Fair Grounds and we paid $8 for parking. No one was working the front ticket window and everything just seemed open so we walked right on in. It was a 3 day doggie event with the Rare breeds being shown on Saturday and we wanted to see the Shelties and Collies. We got to see Great Danes, Irish Setters, Basenji's, and Gray Ghosts (forgot the breed = Weimaraner(sp)) strut their stuff across the show ring. There was also a big dog show that basically had the best of big dog breeds (Great Danes, Big White Dogs, Mastiffs, and Newfandlands, and a big dog that's cow colored like one of those miniature cows= Wee Belties?)

Blue Belle got a good look at how all the dogs were acting in the ring and I kind of think she was feeling a bit left out; kinda like she wanted to be in that show ring showin her stuff!). I think she wants to compete in something one day. This got me thinking about Agility or herding or maybe even some frisbee (she would like that!).

We mostly walked around and just checked out all the other dogs that were just walking around with their owners probably doing the same as us; checking everything out and then there are those buses parked inside with a nice grooming table and a beautiful dog being worked on right there. It was very cool to see so many dogs just looking their best. I got a kick out this one dog with a huge butt and the little pony tails this lady had tied on his. It looked so funny and this dog had this gait of walking where those ponytails and a bunch of hair on big ass just jiggled up and down. I wish a perfect song for that; just to hear and see him walk to one would be cool!). Then he had on a scarf on his/her head. What a sight to see!

I just took it all in and just enjoyed everything around me. I was just having a blast just being there and seeing all that was around me. It wasn't just empty buildings as most would see; if you looked hard enough you could see some amazing things in between. There were a bunch of huge coaches (buses) with little pens set up with beautiful dogs filling each of the pens.

Everything was fun until the neighbor girl started suffering from some major, major PMS and just started acting majorly bratty. I think she might have even been suffering before but I didn't notice it that much (it just got progressively worse until meltdown)? She was mostly just being very demanding and then feeling sorry for herself and stuff like that; not that fun to be around but I made the most of it. I tried being cheerful as I usually am and I had all reason to be! It was like she was 6 years old and having a tantrum over not being able to lead the way around or being able to get every one her ways? Nothing seemed to made her happy; she was able to buy herself some lunch and she went and sat by herself nearby as we watched the Great Dane Show. I looked over at her as she ate her lunch and she looked as if she had this major scowl on her face as if she was not having a good time at all. I could definitely sense some tension building up but I ignored it. Me and my honey were not at all hungry for fairground food (definitely not me!) so we didn't buy us anything to eat mostly because we weren't hungry for hamburgers and hotdogs; we ate right before we left? I think she might have wanted us to eat with her somehow? Well we couldn't so we enjoyed the Great Dane Show!

Well she continued to act as if she was not having a good time at all and then acting as if she knew where we were going (this place is huge and easy to get lost if you don't know where you are going) just kept wanting to go in the opposite direction of where we wanted to go. My honey was searching for the Sheltie ring and knew exactly where it was; we had missed the show but did get to see quite a few lovely little shelties that were much smaller than Miss Blue Belle. I think she might be a tad too large for show standards. Anyway our neighbor still wanted to lead the way even though she had never been there ever before. We were going one way and she announced that she wanted to go this way and it was the way out and we had just gone that particular way when we first got there and there was still so much to see. It was getting quite annoying as bratty complaining continued and then the poutiness and then announcing that she needed to be home by 5pm and that she needed to be in bed no later than 7pm and that she had to go to school the very next day; it was only 2:30pm?. It was very, very demanding. She just went on and on and on and on.

Finally I just couldn't take it anymore and I told my honey that we would be right back. We had a little talk together as we walked a certain path that she had wanted to go and I asked her if she would like for us to leave right away and she kept saying no and then she started complaining that we were not going where she wanted to go. Then she started complaining about my honey and then about me taking so many pictures and so many other things. Well, I let her know that this was our day out (me and my honey's) and that she did indeed invite herself to go with us. I had to remind her of that. We never asked if she could come; she invited herself and that while she is going to an event where we go each and every year, she needs to calm down and try to enjoy what is around us and that is gorgeous dogs getting brushed and cared for in all corners of this place, dogs being shown and there are vendors (that's not the whole thing), there's the dog shows and all kinds of dogs everywhere!. I also told her that I don't need any stress at all to please don't stress me out over any of this. I asked her to please just be glad that she was able to come with us. She blamed her meltdown on her PMS and I asked her to please edit what comes out of her mouth and to try not to be negative for the rest of the day; soak it up!. I also reminded her again "I don't need any stress at all right now; I have chemo tomorrow and I'm not feeling so good but I'm making the best of it!". She still acted a little bratty for the rest of the day until our ride home when she went to sleep. Maybe she needed a nap? My honey and I don't have kids, just pets that don't talk back to us and that's kind of nice sometimes.

Don't get me wrong; I love our neighbor kid to death but sometimes she acts like a teenager and sometimes an infant, and sometimes its not always so pleasant, sometimes she's fun and awesome to be around. Maybe it's good that I'm not a mom and that it's meant to be that I fight this disease and perhaps for the rights of other patients to stay alive much longer. I really do feel that medical cannabis could benefit so many patients in so many more states. I am glad that more money won't be wasted at least in the states where medical cannabis is legal but also those states where it not yet. It should be legal everywhere in my opinion. Perhaps more people could get along?

Well, that very night (The night before chemo); I couldn't use my right arm. It ached horribly; it still hurts even today a day after chemo but not as bad as it did on Sunday night. I got the laundry done and my kitchen cleaned all with left arm. I didn't use my right arm at all with everything. I think the chemical they used may have caused the pain and it still hurts.

Well I got through my chemo yesterday and today I awoke in severe nausea. I puked twice (nasty green shit) and then the rest of the day just felt incredibly lethargic. I hardly had any appetite or enough energy to do much of anything. The only thing I did was sweep and mop my floor. My honey reminded me to take my pain killers and Cipro (antibiotic for kidney/bladder infection). I'm so thankful to have him in my life and we remind each other that every day. I think it is important in a marriage to save I love you at least 10 times a day or just something appreciative of one another.

I am considering going on some sort of an antidepressant because I keep having recurring thoughts of that conversation between my doctor weeks ago and only having 6 more months to live. I know in my heart that I do have more time than that; but I always think in the back of my head "what if he is right?". I'm still trying to live everyday like it's my last except today? I kinda of just felt like being lazy today and sleeping most of the day away. But I also have been crying a lot lately over everything; it was pretty traumatic for me to have that conversation with my doctor and it has been haunting me a lot lately. I hate all this crying and I can't control it all that much; I try my best but I think it is about time I did something about it.

I do hope after I get through this chemo haze; I will have a lot more energy to get out and do more each day and not be wasting them away being so tired; what fun is that? Well to get back to seeing my shrink and getting on some sort of antidepressant; I hate having to do this but at this time; I do feel they are necessary. I had a severe anxiety attack just the other night that really scared the shit of me (I think I shit more than I ate that day too; no pun intended!) and I really thought I was going to die. I was hyperventilating to the point that I thought my heart was going to stop. I kept thinking about my doctor telling me that they would have to insert tubes down my throat to keep me alive and it just terrifying me like nothing else. I'm really trying to stay strong and to keep on living but sometimes it can be very hard because I don't always know what's going on inside me. Maybe being on some happy pills for right now might help things and get my mind out of the gutter because thinking of my own mortality can't be healthy. I kind of feel like my mind is like a broken record that just needs some fixing. I would love to be in denial over all of this? I don't know; it just scares the crap out of me and I don't want to be scared anymore.

I'm not sure if that is normal to feel that way but I'm thinking I need the advice of a shrink or therapist. I'm not giving up hope; that's for sure. I just want to make sure that I'm handling this appropriately and if I need some help; then I need some help. I'm going to fight this as hard as I can and try my very best to have as many good days as I possibly can; and if I need happy pills to do that; than so be it!). That's my goal in this life!) Peace & Love to all!)

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Em said...

Hun, there isn't anything whatsoever wrong with going on antidepressants - people dealing with far less than you take them! You want to be able to enjoy things as much as you can, and there's nothing at all wrong with having a little chemical help to do that.

I think you're being a trooper and send you all the love in the world.

Big hugs

Em xxx

l'optimiste said...

Hey CJ. Get the antidepressants - you need to be able to enjoy every minute, and having panic attacks is no fun. As Em said, people who have things that are not a scratch on your illness take them all the time. Go for it. If it helps you not to think about 'that conversation' it has to be a good thing.

Love the pics by the way! :o)

l'optimiste said...

PS: have you met POD yet?

MFA Mama said...

I say get the antidepressants! I take them and started on them when I was the most ill I've ever been. I don't mean the recent ovarian-mass drama and surgery and peritonitis; previous to that I had very bad MRSA; there was a huge area in my groin that my doctor had to cut out and LEAVE OPEN and it was in my bloodstream; I was very very ill and the horrible antibiotics they gave me (NEVER take Zyvox, EVER EVER EVER
!) to save my life had really, really bad side effects. I had no choice because I am allergic to most antibiotics but the treatment to rid me of the terrible infection was worse than the infection itself; I had neurological side effects that lasted for months and horrible joint pain. I was twenty-eight years old and needed to use a walker to get around and I twitched uncontrollably all over at times and retched and shook and passed out and I was in SO much pain. It was beyond awful. It is not legal to use medical cannabis in my state so I would never admit to having done such a thing if I had...anyway I was like that for MONTHS and no one knew if or when I would recover and I couldn't take care of my kids and it was beyond awful. I had an "infamous conversation" with a doctor that I used to dwell on where they told me I needed to "accept this as my new level of wellness" because it was obviously my new baseline. If it had been I would have had to learn to deal with it but they were WRONG and I am 99% back to where I was (years later, mind you). I used to think of that conversation while I was laying there twitching and hurting and cry and hyperventilate...my shrink told me that was an "obsessive thought" that the anxiety was causing me to dwell on and sure enough Lexapro helped me immensely. I eventually switched drugs but honestly that one was the best for the bad thoughts; I just didn't like the way it made me gain so much weight and not be interested in sex at all (well, I was interested but couldn't, um, fully *enjoy* myself if you know what I mean). It might be good for you to gain some weight though; I hear Lexapro is the worst for weight gain but maybe that would work to your advantage! I also took Cymbalta for a while because they claim to help chronic pain and I think it did a little. I don't know if I would have held it together through that dark, scary time without a little chemical assistance and there's nothing wrong with taking something to help you through such trying circumstances. You need all the help you can get to stay strong and positive! Also I think you should use your medicinal cannabis around the clock the day after chemo to try and minimize the nausea; don't try to be a hero. You need to conserve your strength and it takes energy to suffer like that. Stay strong, sweet girl!

TC said...

GET THE HAPPY PILLS! You need then worse than I do and I've been on them like I don't remember how many times. AND they often make you gain weight!
Teenager=large loud infant
I LOVED the dog show pictures and description. Dis should be a show dog too but there are these long black straight hairs in his little fluffy white fur that I don't think the judges would like? LOL

Anonymous said...

I've been thinking about anti-depressants lately too. I had the same kind of chat a couple weeks ago with my doc (although I got a year, maybe less). It's frightening - I can't seem to move past it and I just keep re-playing it over and over in my head. It's dibilitating sometimes and is ruining what life I still have. I'll let you know what I end up doing but I know, for my sanity and the sanity of my spouse and son, I should just do it.
I think you are amazing but we could all use a little help from time to time :)
Becky xx

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My techniques and treatments work simply for me and may not produce the same results for others. Cancer is a very tricky disease in which it is very different in everyone it touches. No two cancers are the same just as we humans are not the same. What works for me may not work for others.

I love life and expect to live for as long as I can. I intend to use those treatments that do work for me which includes medicinal cannabis. I'm still alive with this disease over 7 years later because of this miracle plant and as long as I have my medicine available; I intend to survive many more years. I hope one day the Federal Government will eventually grow up and be led by true leaders who represent the people and not just coorporations; real people who live by the Golden Rule "treat others how you would want to be treated". I also hope the Government of the US can finally learn to admit that it has made a mortal mistake in making this life saving plant which is provided by GOD and does indeed have the ability to provide all of us with food, fuel, clothing, shelter, and medicine; a mistake that have made is that it is illegal. Yes, it was a mistake out of greed, ignorance, and racism that this miracle plant is illegal. This is a confirmed fact and we should all know and face it.

Cannabis is not at all harmful and in fact quite the opposite. Perhaps our economy can once again grow as it has in the turn of the century by making this life saving plant legal once again.

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