WARNING: Some of the Content here may be Objectionable to some. I have this blog labeled as "Adult Only" as a common courtesy for those who may easily be offended by Adult topics such as the Truth, Down to Earth topics, realities of living with Ovarian Cancer and/or any life threatening disease that goes along with it; Sexuality, Medicinal Cannabis, Profanity, and of course plenty of unpleasant body functions are also discussed here. This is a very tough battle for which I don't intend to hold anything back on what I am facing.

This blog is very personal and comes from the heart of a real fighting cancer patient who wishes nothing more than to live for all of those I love my own will to live, and my love of life. While sometimes I might be on heavy medication (prescribed by my doctor) and occasionally I might write about things or subjects that one may never even think about or consider; so please consider that as well. Yes; whacked out things might even be found here; but I mean everything in all good intentions.

This blog is not at all intended for the faint hearted, those who lack a sense of humor, have no idea what down to earth means, greedy mean people, and/or those who don't know how to share the world with others, and especially those who are unable to easily put themselves into the shoes of others. This blog is mostly about my journey of living my life in the best ways that I can under the Golden Rule and appreciating all of the GOOD KHARMA that comes my way! Never take anything in this world for granted; especially family and friends!

Friday, March 27, 2009

Me Depressed and Homesick in the Hospital?

Yes, it all hit me like a ton of bricks just the other morning when I was up crying in the middle of the night. I was wishing I could just go home and end of all of this torture. I'm so incredibly over getting stuck, poked, prodded, jerked on, tubes and stitches pulled on by nurses and doctors unaware that this might just hurt me. Please ask me before just grabbing at my abdomen; is that just too much?; not to mention grabbing at things at my abdomen and yanking on my poor bush! Yes I said it; my pubic hairs have been going through total hell when those sticky rubber things land on them and then they are jerked out and around. How completely hellish is that?

I addition, I was also getting stuck in the fingers 6 times a day at all hours of the night and day to check to make sure that my sugar level (diabetic test) did not go above 150 and in all it wasn't even getting above 100 and sometimes it got up to 121 in the beginning; whooo hooo! But now it barely even gets above 100-110. Let's just poke me with another shot just to see how pissed Jayne can get!

To tell you the truth I couldn't type for a few days because of the pain of getting stuck everyday, 6
times a day. I bitched and complained and now we are settled at twice a day (10 am and 10pm), oh and those aweful blood tests. The pick line that feeds me; they were able to use that for a few days and now it will not even allow for any blood to go through and my poor left arm has been suffering those consequences.

Now the only vein left in my left arm is on my wrist which feels exactly like they are poking a bone and then trying to squeeze out blood which barely trickles out. They could barely fill up 2 viles. It's so freaking painful and to have to fill up those same 2 viles every single day no mattter how painful.

I cried and cried and cried yesterday and I finallytold my doctor; is this ever going to end? Am I just a test to experiment with or are we trying to get me better? I was feeeling so much depression and homesick like I've never been.

Well now we are getting in to more hope. I lost the Foley catheter just 2 days ago, one of the 3 JP finally had to be pulled out, the other two are still emitting stuff but not much. One may get to go soon. I am being feed through another tube in my stomach and we have been trying suppositories to get my gas out and I farted a few times today! Yippee! They were the tiniest of the tiny farts; but at least some painful gas came out. I am getting out and walking and even dancing in my room a little bit.

I also forgot to mention that I'm extremely sensitive to smells and this one nurse; I just know that used this hair gel that really made me start hyperventilating and dry heaving. I was crying and at first I didn't want to tell her to please leave the room and let my room air out. I finally did tell her (only becuase I just couldn't hack it anymore) and she was completely appalled and pissed at me but I just couldn't help it.

She blamed my guests and my flowers but it wasn't at all true; it was her. I've been in points where I doused myself with stinky perfume and didn't get offended when a stranger told me it was too strong. You would think she would understand, but it was just like she wasn't listening to me at all. She kept coming in my room and reaking it up and making me sick. I think I'm not that completely dumb and I wouldn't blame anyone for anything I didn't believe were true. How come honesty can get you into to so much trouble?

Every time she came into the room I got sick and now I just hold me breath and breath through my mouth no matter how thirsty I am. It takes a few minutes for smell to linger away. How I wished I didn't loose that one nurses number so that I could request not to get her; she was a good nurse but she reaked.

I have had some great guests, lots of beautiful flowers, and great phone calls from friends and family and of course my honey and Blue Belle. I hope to go home in a few days (hours would be better!) Well this weekend I will be sure to request that she not return to my room when she comes back on Monday. I'm on my road to recovery and I could go home as soon as Monday or Tuesday!)


Sara said...

Hi Shoppong Kharma
I hope you can come home soon. I am so mad at that nurse! She should be talked to. Our hospital as a patient, we cant wear anything that would cause the nurses to be nauseasous, they should follow the same rules! You are in my thoughts and prayers, I know you will be better soon!
Take Care,

nat said...

I also hope that you get to go home ASAP. I am glad that the foley is out, and that you are healing and walking and dancing.

I'm sorry things have been so rough on you :( I always hate being in the hospital, because I feel so totally out of control.

Take care and rest! BIG HUG!!

ShoppingKharma said...

They are not supposed to wear strong perfumes but this is definately a hair product (stinky gel or something). I just couldn't get over how sick it got me.
Thank you all so much! It means so much to me for all that love and care I feel from miles and miles away!

UPDATE: Just lost a feeding tube and my GI Tube which makes getting up so much easier. Still have the huge IV pole/pack to push around (it's heavy with all that stuff). I just started a liquid diet today and hard foods tomorrow and oral medications for pain tomorrow! Yippee!

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My techniques and treatments work simply for me and may not produce the same results for others. Cancer is a very tricky disease in which it is very different in everyone it touches. No two cancers are the same just as we humans are not the same. What works for me may not work for others.

I love life and expect to live for as long as I can. I intend to use those treatments that do work for me which includes medicinal cannabis. I'm still alive with this disease over 7 years later because of this miracle plant and as long as I have my medicine available; I intend to survive many more years. I hope one day the Federal Government will eventually grow up and be led by true leaders who represent the people and not just coorporations; real people who live by the Golden Rule "treat others how you would want to be treated". I also hope the Government of the US can finally learn to admit that it has made a mortal mistake in making this life saving plant which is provided by GOD and does indeed have the ability to provide all of us with food, fuel, clothing, shelter, and medicine; a mistake that have made is that it is illegal. Yes, it was a mistake out of greed, ignorance, and racism that this miracle plant is illegal. This is a confirmed fact and we should all know and face it.

Cannabis is not at all harmful and in fact quite the opposite. Perhaps our economy can once again grow as it has in the turn of the century by making this life saving plant legal once again.

The contents of this blog including all images, (except images from third parties) and the name "Shopping Kharma - what comes around goes around" belong and copyrighted to C. Jayne Armstrong 2008-2010
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