The Good Kharma of Returning to work...

As I enjoy these last days of freedom, I can't help but be nervous about starting work. I have been out on Disability since the 18th of August and I have to be honest, it has been amazing to enjoy this time off. I thought I would be bored, but I managed to keep myself so incredibly busy. With Blue Belle, its so easy to find something to do.

This morning, my father and my husband went to a small bar in Campbell to watch football while I strolled around the farmer's market and many of the shops in the area with Miss Blue Belle. Every 20-30 feet someone would need to talk to us so that they could get some love from Blue Belle. She's too pretty to go more than 50 feet without someone seeing her pretty little face.

We got to this one stand near all the jewelry and art displays towards the end of the Farmer's Market. The woman had some gorgeous beaded jewelry that I had to go through. Blue Belle just looked so pretty that the woman had to go and feel how soft her lovely fur felt. We talked about Cancer and how Blue Belle has helped me so much especially Depression which does run in my family and many cancer patients tend to suffer once they are diagnosed. It's very hard for any patient to go through the hells of Cancer. I was prescribed anti-depressants at first (Prozac) which is the worst drug to ever be on if you are a newlywed if you know what I mean. It makes sex so non existent. You don't even notice that you have any sexual organs what so ever when you are on Prozac. What sexual organs you have as far as your mind is concerned is just for peeing and that's it. You never even think about sex at all and I was newly wed on this drug. I had to get off of it within 3-4 months. I did feel great but lacked any sexual drive. I had none. Well now I have Blue Belle and there is no need for any anti-depressants. You just can't feel sad with her around.

As we were talking the woman gives me a bracelet that she had made. She told me that she gives all cancer survivors that she meets these bracelets. It's more or less a token of her appreciation for life that these survivors have in them. Here is a photo of the beautiful survivor bracelet she gave me. Michele makes the jewelry part-time and works for a pediatric hospital full-time. She also talked some about the Pet Therapy Program and how perfect Miss Blue Belle would be there.

As Blue Belle and I walked around some more, we came upon this very cool car. I was snapping shots of Blue Belle next to the car when the owner came out and opened the front passenger door and asked if I would like to photograph Miss Blue Belle inside the car so I got a few great shots here. She loved every minute of it except that I didn't climb into that great car to give her a nice ride around town. See the power of Good Kharma?


































After walking around the block a few times, I went over to the Sports Bar and my dad was ready to continue for more fun. We went up to Santana Row for some shopping and showing off our pretty dog. Not too many people approached us but as we walked over to a restaurant, a woman was pushing her buggy with 3 barking poodle dogs who looked as if they wanted to attack Blue Belle. She just sat there cool and calm not even phased as if a service dog. We finally found a restaurant to dine at on this busy Sunday afternoon with all the Christmas shopping packing all the restaurants. It was a gorgeous day (about 72 degrees) and we got to enjoy our meal outside so that we could continue to people watch. I got to take this pretty shot right in front of the restaurant where we dined.

A visit from my Dad...

My dad came to visit me on Thursday night, Thanksgiving Day. His flight arrived early enough that we were able to share somewhat of a small Thanksgiving meal. My husband and my dad enjoyed some honey baked ham with a mixture of pineapple and brown sugar, Rutabaga mashed potatoes, gravy, and french cut string beans and mushrooms, with pumpkin pie for desert. Friday, I cooked the turkey, Yams, sweet potatoes, Dressing, Cranberry sauce, gravy, and more!

My dad has come to visit me several times over the years especially since the diagnosis. I will never ever forget him visiting right after I got diagnosed and that huge huge surgery. He stayed with us for about 10 days in our tiny little apartment. Well during that stressful time, he was able to witness our wedding (December 3, 2002) and he got the opportunity to walk me down the aisle at the Moss Beach Distillery. It was a very impromtu perfect little wedding.

The next couple of times my father came to visit was incredibly scary for him seeing me in such severe pain and suffering. I think it nearly killed him to see me in so much pain.
I was in the hospital when he arrived and he came right to my hospital room. It was a few weeks after my second abdominal surgery and it was during those many weekends we spend in the hospital. I was discharged just 2 days later, then a couple of days later, I was back in the emergency room. This had proceeded to be a problem for many weeks in a row. Anyway, my dad and I went to San Francisco together and was able to have some fun prior to my next severe abdominal blockage.

One thing that was cool was that he was able to witness the real miracle of the power of medicinal cannabis in my situation. He had watched me struggle with severe pain, to the point that tears were streaming down my face and I struggled with breathing due to the sharp, sharp pains resulting from my blocked and twisted intestines and then all of a sudden after smoking, I felt almost instant calmness and relief from the severe pain. It was quite a contrast in a matter of 5 minutes. Even though it was only temporary relief, those were moments where I was not crying in pain and was able to be somewhat normal.

I try to take the pain as much as I can because I know in my heart how difficult it must be for my father or even any family member to see me in such pain. It can't be easy for my father to know how hard I am battling for my life. I am true testament of how important it is to cherish life and each waking moment.

Well this visit we were so busy on today. We went and had breakfast at Carrows (won't go there again because of the awful service). You would think in this economy that the bad workers would be let go but not here. Anyway enough about bad karma, we still had a blast. The neighbor's daughter came and spent the entire day together with us. We went to the dog park and Blue Belle got to show off her skills playing frisbee and romping with another beautiful Blue Merle Sheltie (Jagger), then from there, we went to the pet store for more food for Blue Belle and while there, my father got to see these huge snakes molting, then some huge tortoises, and more pets. We walked to the back of the store and Blue Belle got very nervous as we approached more huge snakes. I think she could sense that these animals could easily eat her for dinner. I felt bad for this poor rabbit in a cage as it was very obvious that he would be dinner within a few hours for the huge snake in the cage in front of him.

After the pet store, we took Miss Blue Belle home and we continued on to the Gun Show which was held at the Santa Clara Fairgrounds. No photos were allowed at all (we even had to take our camera back to the car=bummer). We saw lots of old guns, redneck t-shirts (many ignorant racist t-shirts), lots of really nice jewelry for which me and Amanda (my neighbor) couldn't get enough of. We saw a really neat hand made lamp that was made out of a fishing pole, and the lever part turned on the light (it was stringed like a fishing rod). Very cool. We also saw this guy selling lots of tasers starting at $350 and of course he has pistol in his belt.

The coolest part was when we got to the very last booth where this older gentleman had a bunch of old Winchester Rifles and even one which was priced at $26,000. That particular model, only 183 total were made of that particular gun. I was trying to explain to Amanda about these guns and old Winchester Mystery House. The man then started up a conversation with us to include a very, very interesting history lesson about Sara Winchester. It is weird that in that house, you don't really see much of a gun collection. Most of the Winchester gun Rarities are found in North Eastern Wyoming at the Wild Bill Museum.

The man continued to tell us that all the things about Sara Winchester and how the whole ghosts and seances were pretty much untrue and that the real reason Sara Winchester had built this huge house was partly because she was the very first woman to ever graduate from MIT in Architectural Design. It just seemed so unbelievable, but very fascinating.

I was hoping this might all be true but I seriously doubted it but we listened anyway. He claimed that most of the areas of the house that were so strange for some like the stairs to no where were from designs and paper drawings from school and why they were designed the way that they were was simply because she mostly just wanted to see up close what she had learned in school. He had claimed there were many homes that now featured many of Sara's building designs from that house.

Now I did do a search in Google and found nothing at all about any of this, so I do plan to at least call MIT to find our more and to see if she actually did graduate MIT? I have to know so if you are curious I plan to find out for sure soon.

We then left the gun show and went home to pick up Miss Blue Belle and take her over to a friend's party. She had some Dungeonous crab which my dad had never tried before. It was very good and Blue Belle got to play with a Rottwieller until she got too rough with Blue Belle (she nipped her little bottom or tail?) Blue Belle also got to meet my friend's rat which she didn't want much to do with. Amanda played with the rat the entire time at the party. It was a good get together as me and Celeste exchanged stories of our unusual childhood's with wild animals.

That was one thing we had in common; both of our mother's loved animals much more than humans and even treated them better in many ways. On one occasion when I was about 6 or 7 years old and my brother was maybe 3 or 4, we were riding along in the back seat together (before child seats) and my father was driving. A family of skunks were crossing the road and my mom had my dad immediately stop. With that, she bolted out of the car to grab two of those little skunks by the tail. She threw both little skunks into the front seat right next to my dad where both little assholes were pointing directly at my dad enough so that he got some double spray action. My parents were fighting like crazy but it was hilarious. My brother cried because the smell was just god awful while I laughed because I was more aware of what was happening at the moment. The smell was so horrible that my eyes were burning. I don't even think the smell phased my mom at all because she really wanted to take both those cute babies home no matter what. My father yelled for her to take those little skunks out of the car immediately and it took her a few moments before she finally picked up both babies by the tail and placed them back with their family. My dad had also remembered that it must have taken months to get the smell out of the car. Everyone was in stitches as I told this story especially Amanda.

Celeste had several cool stories about how her mom had rescued animals and she mostly had snakes and alligators since she was originally from Florida. It was funny our parallelisms in our moms and our fathers. It just goes to show how we live in a parallel universe.

CAT Scan Today and more Cleaning to do!

Well this morning I saw there was a message on my phone from the Radiology department inquiring about setting up an appointment for a CAT scan, so I returned the call to find out if I could get my CAT scan rescheduled. I was supposed to have one a few weeks ago but it had actually not been scheduled and we kind of wanted to wait before putting more nuclear stuff in my body. If you do CAT scans more often, it kind of makes the cancer go a little crazy and makes it grow some more. That's why we decided to wait and my tummy got a little better for a little while as I took a small break from the Etoposide. (only 9 pills left) I am still getting abdominal blocks so hopefully we can find out what is causing those.

I talked with a receptionist on the phone and she warned me that I would need to fast for about 4 hours (which I was already nauseated from the chemo of yesterday and last night) and would certainly not be eating anything for at least a couple of hours, "so no problem for me if you have an appointment for today". She happened to have an appointment at 1:30pm and it was 10:30am so I needed to burn rubber, jump in the shower and put on my CAT scan outfit (no wires or metal) which consisted of a T-shirt and sweatpants. Once at the hospital, I would then need to go to the pharmacy and pick up the Barium solution.

Since we had some beautiful rain today, I decided not to bring Miss Blue Belle with me to the hospital. It was raining pretty hard when I got to the hospital but I loved every minute of it. I just kept my mind on how pretty snow must be in Tahoe.

I finally got to the pharmacy and waited for about half an hour for my prescription of Barium Solution (berry flavored- 250ml) and just in time to start drinking it at 12 noon, the second bottle to start at 12:45pm. I read through my magazines and even talked to my mom on the phone for most of the hour and then signed in at 1pm. I had another half hour to kill before I needed to go in for my CAT scan.

Once 1:30pm rolled around I was brought to back area where the CAT scans, restrooms, dressing rooms, and waiting areas were and sat for a few minutes and waited. I was sitting there for a few moments and then a very friendly nurse called my name and since I was already ready brought me in for my IV. Once I got my IV I was led to the area where the CAT scan machine was. I asked the really nice technician if she would mind snapping a few shots of me getting my CAT scan for this very blog. She very kindly obliged and took these wonderful shots.

We talked some as I was getting ready for the actual CAT scan and she told me of a friend of hers who is surviving quite strongly from the very deadly Pancreatic Cancer for 5 years which I have never heard of anyone surviving that long with that type of cancer. This woman was incredible and gave me a tremendous amount of hope and inspiration to beat this disease that I have. How I love people like this. It really was very inspirational to talk with this technician. I am sure she has seen quite a bit in her line of work but her being so positive with me and treating me as a human made all the difference with me.

Getting a CAT scan is a trip. You first have to get the IV inserted which is quite a challenge with my overworked veins. The needle used is slightly larger than the one used for my chemo treatments. I will eventually have to get a port installed but for now, I'm OK. Unbelievably after all this time, my veins are still working, just a little harder to find.

Once inside the CAT scan machine, you have to lay on a thin table with comfy pillows in which to place your legs (legs facing the machine) and of course pillows for your head. Its not a completely hard table; its all padded. Your arms have to be above your head and while you are being scanned, a computer voice tells you "Breath", then "hold your breath", the table that you are lying on moves forward into the machine as you close your eyes and listen for the instruction to Breath again and you can even feel the IV wires pulling (not hard, just gently). As it moves and gets to a certain point, you hear "Breath" and with a sigh of relief. I think it scanned my body twice and then the trippy IV stuff goes in and makes you feel warm down there and as if you are about to pee your pants, but you don't. Kind of hard to describe but that's exactly it.

I hope the results are great and a miracle happens and I am cured of cancer. It certainly won't hurt to image that right? Lots of prayers are needed and now I can focus on my Dad visiting this weekend. He will be here tomorrow and I will try to update as we have more and more fun!

So now the planning and cleaning continues! Happy Thanksgiving to all of you!

Hopefully my last chemo for now...

I had a really nice relaxing weekend and even went on a motorcycle ride with my husband on Saturday. It was mostly a local ride around town but ultimately it was fun and it was a good rush of adrenaline which is exactly what I needed. We went to a few local pubs (I just drank water) and met some of my husband's friends. We spent some good quality time together and that was important.

Sunday, was very relaxing as I worked on my blogs and finished entries I had started but never finished or published so now they are complete (at least most of them are). I also spent most of the day doing lots of laundry, vacuuming, dusting, and cleaning for my dad's visit on Thursday! Oh Boy!) This little girl got to watch some TV with me as I folded laundry. (She loves the show on Animal Planet "It's me or the dog")

Yesterday was another adventure as I took Miss Blue Belle with me to the hospital for my blood test and to fill out some overdue paperwork for my longterm disability (3 weeks worth). She brought so many smiles with her and the director of the Pet Therapy Program even came over to say to hello to us. Now I really want to volunteer so bad but my immune system will not allow for me to do this at least for right now. Blue Belle is ready and willing and I really need to get her tested but have lagged as usual. I sure mean well, but sometimes I do lag.

I think I am getting ready to start work and will practice going to bed at a reasonable hour (instead of 11pm = that's good compared to my old habits of 2-3am). I am getting there and it certainly will be great to see all my friends.

Yes, I am still suffering from severe insomnia but found a natural alternative supplement from one of my neighbors. I am not sure if it works, but I don't believe it does. My system is pretty tough and what works for most doesn't for me. I do plan to talk with my doctor about something else that might help me sleep because getting adequate sleep is extremely important as I tackle a work week. I think the stress of the cancer causes me stress just knowing that it is still growing inside me and that the chemo may or may not be working. Mind over matter, right? It's easier said than done.

Last night my husband asked if we needed to set the alarm clock for chemo the next morning at 10am and I told him absolutely not. Tonto will definitely wake us up and he certainly did at 7am when we didn't have to wake until at least 8:30am for my 10am appointment.

My husband drove me to the hospital as I brought along my IPOD and a work manual to read. Yes, I am serious, I'm going to work next week. I took the stairs as usual (I always take those stairs), 4 flights of stairs to the 4th floor Infusion Center just to get me pumped for my chemo.

When I arrived I didn't get the same nurse as before. This one was rather forgetful as some seem to be (not all) and it really makes you appreciate the good nurses. I really like warm personalities and thoughtfulness in a nurse especially a chemo nurse. It really goes a long way with me and I'm sure for others too.

If I had a choice of another career it would be a chemo nurse (its just a fantasy). I know it is a hard, hard job to do, extremely demanding, but God it has to be rewarding. I can understand even more than ever that if you are working with people who are fighting for their lives, someone who is warm and understanding really makes the experience all the more pleasant. Even though you can't take that pain and suffering away, you can at least be compassionate and caring.

This particular nurse was young and kind of cold in her personality. She didn't really speak or acknowledge me all that much unless she was checking and verifying my information. I was more or less just a number in a chair. It kind of bummed me out as I tried to talk to her cheerfully to hopefully break her out of her shell as she interrupted me to yell over at another nurse to come and help her. It was as if I wasn't even talking to her. No apologies what so ever, just a number in a chair, so I just ignored her and continued to listen to my music and read my book. She probably meant well and her job has to be a very hard and demanding job. Maybe she was just having a bad day or just new at this whole experience. I didn't let it get to me, but it really did make me appreciate having a good chemo nurse even more than ever and I bet so many of the other patients do too!

As I was sitting there getting my chemo in popped a really neat lady with a beautiful pink hat decorated with all kinds of cool breast cancer pins and charms. Her pajamas were the best, much better than my plain brown and teal ones. She even had these great Disney socks that had such a great message that my chemo brain has forgotten it completely! It was a great message to read and hear at the time. It made me smile, hell she made me smile. What a sense of humor and a great lady to meet. Her personality just brightened the room completely. I also met another nice lady with her San Jose Sharks gear and totally on top of the game to even alert me that their next game is tomorrow night! I enjoyed talking hockey with her and her daughter.

I did need to get some paperwork for my job completed and I had to ask this nurse for something. It almost seemed like I was being way too demanding. She was nice enough to bring over a sheet of paper for me to fill out and told me that I should get the paperwork back in the mail. I had also put in a request for a break from chemo so that I can work and have at least some normality in my life for now.

My chemo was finally done and it took a little while for the chemo nurse to return not like the last one who seemed totally on top of everything! She came back and gave me an appointment at noon (lunchtime which I will never ever do again!) for my next chemo and she tried to tell me that there just were not any other appointments available. I told her just please don't schedule me then and she was quite irritated with me for not taking that appointment that no one wanted. I didn't care at all, its my life anyway. She walked away and snatched the appointment sheet and went away to get me another one.

She came back a few minutes later to take out my IV needle and to give me another appointment at a more reasonable time. I didn't realize until later that she didn't cut the ID band as that other nurse I had before had done. Wow! Really makes you really appreciate having a good nurse. I have to find out the name of the nurse I had before because she was absolutely awesome! I know I won't forget those great ladies I met today! I really like meeting new cancer patients and talking with them as they are going through what I am going through.

When I got home, I crashed hard for several hours. Miss Blue Belle came up and slept right next to me. Then Tonto came up and slept in his little bed and snored. I had to pull out the ear plugs. I awoke and went shopping for our Thanksgiving meal. I got the last turkey in the store (they were almost out!) and thankfully I must have missed the huge rush. I will be busy doing some more cleaning (refrigerator & freezer), vacuuming, dusting, and much more. We are celebrating Thanksgiving on Friday because my father's flight will arrive shortly after 7pm. I do plan to have a separate meal that evening and then lunchtime Friday the big Turkey dinner!)
Good thing the turkey will take 3-4 days to defrost (perfect!).

A Fun Day with Neighbors...

Well today was finally a day where I got to spend part of the day with my neighbor Nick. I had been thinking of joining him for a movie for several years now and finally!

But first Blue Belle's best friend Tess and her mom went with us to the dog park to look for Jagger, Blue Belle's boyfriend (he never showed). Tess and Blue Belle ran and played a little until Sophie, Blue Belle's competition showed and those two ran and played a few round and then Sophie had to leave. Blue Belle played a little bit of frisbee, then Tess chased her a few times then gave her loads and loads and loads more kisses inside her mouth, right on her tongue!

When we were done, we came home and then I went right over to my neighbor Nick's house to see if we were still on for the movie. When I came over and followed Nick into his house, he walked over to the dining room where Tonto was perched at the bar stool in front of the breakfast bar as if he had been heavily engaged in conversation and getting treats.
He was interested in seeing "Bolt" (it was released today) and since he does go to movies once a week or more, he has literally seen every movie except for the ones that are released that day. He may catch the others that were released another time in the week.

Nick is retired and lives alone; it seems it makes a big difference that he gets to spend quality time every day with Tonto. It's the least I can do and it really benefits both of them. Tonto gets to go under our back patio fence to hang with Nick when he gets lonesome and/or needs people interaction, and Nick gets to have big fat kitty fixes from Tonto. Tonto gets lonely sometimes when we take Blue Belle places and its his privilege that he gets to go see Nick.

Tonto is extremely chatty and will carry on conversation with anyone that will listen even though his language is troublesome to try to understand. Nick seems so happy to be able to hang out with Tonto every day and I could tell this by the excitement in his voice as he told me some funny Tonto stories. It is a blessing that my lonesone kitty can come over and get more attention from someone willing to give it to him. I feel guilty that sometimes I do have to leave him all by his lonesome sometimes and now I don't have to feel so bad anymore.

Manx cats are kind of needy sometimes and are considered the clown of all cats. They really need to be around people and are very dog like. Hense, he walks on a leash and he fetches his favorite beloved toy; a scrunchie.







Anyway enough about my anti-cat. We had some time before the movie so I went home to medicate myself so that I didn't have to taste or feel the chemo pill that was in my stomach. I ate 3 of my magic cookies, some nice hot tea and plenty of water.

The movie Bolt was even better than I expected. I give it 4 stars out of 5 and definitely 2 thumbs up. Normally I don't like to watch kid movies but this one wasn't that bad. I laughed, cried, sat on the edge of my seat a few times and laughed some more. It was that good and even more excellent were those cookies! (The cookies lasted most of the day and kept my stomach from aching or cramping. I did drink water all day long and that helped tremendously.)

This was actually a good movie to see on the big screen because of the advances they have made with kiddie movies. Plenty of action and it was cool how some of the characters were almost real looking with facial expressions and all. Part of the dog seemed part real dog like his rear end of stuff. Hope that makes sense, but it was fascinating to see. If you do get a chance to see this movie, do go. I was able to hold it throughout the movie so its not too terribly long like the Lord of the Rings or Harry Potter. I had to go like 3 or 4 times during those movies. What an awesome day!

Nick told me that he loves to watch movies like this (animated) and because of the extra concern about sex offenders going to see kid movies, he felt better that I was with him because he would never in a million years ever harm a child. He always goes in the morning when kids are at school but sometimes he still feels out of place going even though he is just going to see a movie.

This to me is just another example of how the media has scared people into making them feel self conscious and its just not necessary to stress us out. Maybe if they could just report more examples of good people rather than focusing just on the bad we would have a more peaceful world.

Butter & Cookies....& more chemo...

A good friend of mine kicked down some great medicine for me. Its a good thing because I was running low and the stuff I was using just wasn't working the way that is was. Your body does tend to build up a tolerance sometimes and I see this just with chemo.

The medicine my friend kicked down helped me in the following bulleted points.

• Its strong enough to dull the sharpening abdominal pain from frequent blockages
• strong enough to relieve the pain of painful digesting and the sounds of my intestines have even calmed down
• really makes me so incredibly thirsty that I can drink up even the most nasty cup of poo looking concoction (Red Rubi Prune Juice) with 2 scoops of Miralax and some lots of water.

Do you think just any anti nausea or pain medication can make this concoction taste yummy? See, looks like poo, make me go poo? This picture actually makes it look a whole lot yummier. That color black you see, it really is black and it looks exactly like I am eating my diarrhea like pooh. The actual cotton mouth and thirstiness really helps me drink this stuff at least once or twice a day every day!

No worries for me. I got to make some wonderful butter in my pressure cooker all day on Sunday. I placed several sticks of unsalted organic butter, melted it and then let it simmer for 12 hours in a bunch of buds and stems. Not sure what else to call them, but my friend had kicked this down for me for cooking purposes so thought why not get to work and make sure this doesn't go to waste.

The house had a very interesting smell to it as I cooked this concoction in my pressure cooker for 12 hours. Now I didn't stay in the house for the entire 12 hours. I took Miss Blue Belle, my neighbor and Tess the little Yorkie that is so in love with Blue Belle to the park to meet Blue Belle's boyfriend Jagger. The 3 played so well together in just the beginning until Miss Tess got tired out from running. She sat in her mom's lap and would go sneak kisses from Blue Belle periodically.

After our fun at the dog park, I took my neighbor home and then went to the Farmer's Market for some fun adventure with Blue Belle. We went inside the camping store and of course Blue Belle being the child magnet that she is stopped a few people in their tracks because of her fluffy appearance where she kind of looks like a pretty colored "Sheltie" to most. I told this one woman, go right ahead, give her a big hug and she looked up at me like "thanks, I need this". Blue Belle has a gift with people where they just melt in her fur. I think its really sad for people not to have a dog in their life and to get that dog itch out of your system, you really need a hug from a dog like Blue Belle. I have no problem at all sharing her sometimes. The woman told me to stop by her booth later on.

Here is a cool photo I made Blue Belle pose in front of this rat rod? That's what my husband called this car with an interesting background. These cars have kind of an unfinished look about them with out paint and most often with primer or just bare metal.

After a couple of shots with this cool car and the next car we saw. We walked back up to the woman's booth where she gave me lots of organic grapes, peaches, and prunes (oh boy!).

When I got home, I pulled out the juicer and juiced most of the grapes, some peaches and prunes. It was like a mixture to use with my miralax. The grape juice was very sweet and excellent. I know its a bore to hear of my constant struggles to go to the bathroom. In all reality I need to be on top of it all the time.

It's great to have so many good things in my life that can help me achieve this. Good kharma equals doing good things around me and it most certainly comes back in my case. It surprises me so much when it does and sometimes I am in shock.

After the full 12 hours of cooking, I turn off the crock pot and let it cool some, put on some rubber gloves and grabbed an old pair of pantyhose. I grabbed the tied bundles of weed and placed them in the pantyhose for draining out the butter. Finally after all the butter was drained, I poured the melted butter in a few containers and placed in the fridge.

Monday my husband had the day off and we had planned to drive to Santa Cruz since weather was incredibly beautiful. We all intentions of going, but instead we had a fun naked day together. (just being honest) It was still good quality time for the two of us. We relaxed the whole day together and I made some excellent cookies later that night with the special butter. Oh were they ever good! Mmmmmm Mmmmmm!

The one thing they do is make you constantly crave water. I drank one glass of water after then next! The last time I checked, craving water is a good thing. While they also give you a body high which basically means you have no pain, you feel a little more flexible (could easily do my yoga stretches), and of course you laugh a little more and you feel good!

I made them with Oatmeal, flax, psyllium husks, quinoa flour, and splenda and even Splenda Brown sugar. I had a couple that night and had some interesting dreams. Nothing bad or anything, just more vivid than some (more details).

I also spoke with my chemo doctor and he advised that I continue on the chemo. I went to the pharmacy, picked up the chemo on Wednesday night. I always have something to tell each time I bring Miss Blue Belle with me there. I try to sit next to a person who looks like they will benefit most with Blue Belle's presence. She drew a small croud of people 2 couples, a woman with her child and of course a very shy 8 year old looking boy who sat right next to me and just stared in wonder at Blue Belle. I told him he could go ahead and pet her and he immediate got on the ground at her level and just looked into her eyes as she smiled back at him with her ears back. She got up close to his face and did a few licks which surprised him but he lost it and completely melted for a little while.

A couple I sat next to, the woman asked me about Blue Belle's service vest and I explained to her that I am going through some cancer treatments and that Blue Belle is helping me cope. The woman agreed tremendously that this little girl could make me cope much better. The woman then told me that she was there to get her pain meds and that she was addicted to them. She had started Oxycontin(sp) about 8 years ago and had tried to get off but it was too hard. She suffers from great pain from I forgot what she had said but it was something to suffer from greatly (not like what I suffer from) but her doctor has to give her something for pain and its just easier I guess to keep her from having seizures and such if she stops this particular medication.

To me I find this incredibly scary to be addicted to something like that. For this, I am so thankful that I utilize a very mild natural substance for pain. It wouldn't be a great deal for me to just stop taking something for pain. Sometimes I suffer and sometimes I do not. I can go days and days without taking something and then all of sudden if I do suffer, I can at least make it instant fast pain relief without constipation.

A Lesson for all of us...Listen to the Future...

A friend of mine from High School and also on Facebook sent me this compelling video of a child who really is ahead in her years of wisdom. She tells it like it is "Stop being greedy and think about the future". I think this all the time and am trying in my own little ways of recycling, riding my bike, composting waste in my house, conserving water, changing out my light bulbs and whatever I can do.

Each day is a new day to try something else and to make important choices which can affect the future. If we can all work together and make our own effort, maybe we can achieve these dreams. We don't need to waste more than we use. That's how we got in trouble in the first place. You can't take all those valuables with you when you die. Really what is most important and what are our priorities in life?



UPDATE ON CHEMO

I also got to speak with my chemo oncologist / doctor about not wanting to continue this treatment. He asked if I could give it another chance so that we could see a true trend (if the CA125 (tumor marker which measures the Ovarian Cancer Protein) rises or falls. We need a pattern. Right now we have two. If it goes up 4 points then this called doubling and is a significant factor if this continues and then becomes an 8, then 16 and so on. Cancer patterns usually double at any rate if the cancer is growing. We will see and prayers are being said that the next CA125 will be lower. This is what I have been told in this whole fight and understanding the results of my blood counts.

I have to go pick up my chemo (horse pills=Etoposide) tonight or tomorrow. I have a blood test on Monday and Chemo (intravenous= Avastin) on Tuesday. Oh boy and then I start work on December 2nd.

Phrase to meditate on: "For those whom are always courteous and respectful of elders, four things increase: life, beauty, happiness and strength."
The Buddha

Just another 6 year survivor= today marks the day...

Well I survived another year with this horrible deadly disease and I plan to survive many more. Sadly most women diagnosed with this disease and this late stage in the game, don't get to survive quite this long, so feeling blessed is definitely an understatement for me when I was originally given 8 months to 2 years maximum on November 15th, 2002.

Today, my husband and I celebrated by bringing Miss Blue Belle with us to Ocean Beach and to hang with a very, very cool friend of mine. Here are just a few photos of our lovely day together. The day was incredibly relaxing and it was unusually warm for November in SF.

As we walked the distance on the beach, absorbing the warmth, Blue Belle got to explore and make a few friends along the way. Here she is engaged in a romp with a little Chihuahua mix. The two raced around chasing each other around. We laughed a few times as they created a little race track through the wet sand.

We also had a small dinner at a little sidewalk cafe and had some beers. I normally don't drink more than 1 but being that today was a celebration, I decided to break my rule and had 3. That's the most I have had in a long time. We tried to play pool but I have a serious pool playing disability. I can make snowboards do what I want them to do but some reason, pool sticks are something else. It's just a lot bigger than a pen or pencil for me and that was exactly how awkward it was for me to try to play pool. We laughed most of the evening and just enjoyed good conversations and getting to know what a warm hearted friend I now have. Its great to know good people in my life and then to find out they are even more cool than I could ever give them credit for is reason enough to celebrate this wonderful day. You must be surrounded in your life with more positive people and pets!

Despite News, must live on...it's not over yet!

Happy Friday to all of you! The last two days, I have not been letting the news of the CA125 get to me. Life is still going on for me. I am still doing my yoga stretches (OK I slip a little on the diet sometimes) and making sure I get exercise every day. My husband does & still makes me smile each and every day and is all the more reason enough to feel good. I just like to hear his voice on the phone and in person is even better. How I treasure each day with him!) In sickness and in health we support each other and most importantly, we respect each other. Well enough with that; what can I say? We just love each other to pieces!)


Lately, I have been taking Miss Blue Belle each day this week to run and play frisbee with her cute boyfriend "Jagger" (actually 4 out of 5 days this week) It's still exercise; smiling and laughing as these two hilarius youngsters are very fun to watch tear across the field after each other.

Blue Belle loves her frisbee and is quite good at catching while Jagger likes nothing more than to herd her and he even keeps her running most of the time.

That's a good thing because she has been getting a little full figured but we are working on it. I'm even gaining some more weight (130.5 today!) while she hopefully is loosing some.

See! Don't they look just cute together doing some PDA (Public Display of Affection)? I recently learned that Blue Merles are considered recessive genes and by breeding two Blue Merles, the puppies will end up either blind or deaf or both and even some which are considered double merles which I believe most of the time are blind and deaf too.

It's a good thing they are both fixed and unable to have puppies. All the more reason to adopt and to not try to breed your own puppies; just leave it to professionals who really know what they are doing or just go to the pound to get your baby.

I always feel that life is too short not to have a pet! This girl makes such a difference! Just seeing the smiles and reactions of others who see her, in turn makes me happy.

I also got to take Blue Belle for a bath yesterday and that was incredibly fun. I got spent a few hours brushing her out, cleaning her teeth and clipping her nails. As I was doing all of us this, I practiced my meditation breathing exercises as Blue Belle melted in my arms. She was so easy to work with. After we were all done, she posed for this elegant photo! I think she feels very pretty here!

Blue Belle really is a very pretty Californian Girl. Here she is getting an intimate kiss from her little lesbian lover Tess! They are pretty bummed about Prop 8 passing.

No I'm just kidding! My neighbor came up with that. These two love to play as you can clearly see in the next photo! Tess is totally in love with Blue Belle and gives her loads and loads of kisses right inside her mouth, right on her tongue. She is always so incredibly excited when she first sees Blue Belle right off. It's really cute to see and Miss Blue Belle is so very patient with her and puts up with her constantly licking the inside of her mouth. Very, very intimate kisses!

Some days when I am feeling too weak to walk Blue Belle, I just call Tess's mom and we meet outside so that the two can run each other silly. Tess's mom suffers from extreme migraines and sometimes doesn't have the energy to walk Tess everyday. Some days we are able to, other days these two are able to run and make us laugh when we most it need it. Two birds with one stone! Think about it!)


FACEBOOK
Now I received this email from a group on Facebook which I read from time to time. Today's email should help me focus many positive thoughts that the cancer is dying as we speak. I feel strong right now despite a few explosions going on in my intestines. (that's just the prune juice, water, and Myralax=Ohhh Boy!) The important thing that gets me by is just believing in myself and my husband helps me more and more each day.

Here is the email Soulworkx from Facebook:
http://www.facebook.com/inbox/?ref=mb#/group.php?gid=40061860744

"Mother Earth Healing - 12-11-2008

'Do not ask the Lord to Guide your Footsteps if you're
not willing to move your Feet '

It is important to free your past from moments of pain and distress. The willingness to love and assist a self that exists in a time when the light of understanding shines less bright allows you to expand your present-moment capacity for love and compassion. When you release trapped emotional energy, this energy is now free to travel into your present moment, greatly strengthening your spiritual purpose and focus.

Understand that all moments exist simultaneously. The fact that you are no longer focused within a moment does not mean it ceases to exist. Each moment you have experienced is still very much alive within its own time space. This is true of past moments from your present life as well as “past life” moments experienced in all other time periods. Many instances of what you might consider angelic intervention are simply other aspects of a person's soul traveling in consciousness to bring assistance and healing. All advanced souls have this capability. Become one with yourself!!

As you heal and release past emotional problems, a greater amount of your consciousness is free to enter peak states of consciousness. As you enter peak states, you are able to further align with the light of spirit, bringing further healing to your "selves" across time.

RELATIONSHIPS.

Relationships - of all kinds - are like sand held in your hand.
Held loosely with an open hand,
the sand remains where it is.
The minute you close your hand and squeeze tightly to hold on,
the sand trickles through your fingers.
You may hold on to some of it, but most will be spilled.
A relationship is like that.
Held loosely, with respect and freedom for the other person,
it is likely to remain intact. But hold too tightly, too possessively,
and the relationship slips away and is lost!!!


*~* Inspiring Quotes by Mahatma Gandhi *~*

A nation's culture resides in the hearts and in the soul of its people.

An eye for eye only ends up making the whole world blind.

Faith is not something to grasp, it is a state to grow into.

Even if you are a minority of one, the truth is the truth.

I am prepared to die, but there is no cause for which I am prepared to kill.

I have nothing new to teach the world. Truth and Non-violence are as old as the hills. All I have done is to try experiments in both on as vast a scale as I could.

Interdependence is and ought to be as much the ideal of man as self-sufficiency. Man is a social being.

You must not lose faith in humanity. Humanity is an ocean; if a few drops of the ocean are dirty, the ocean does not become dirty.

Wishing you all a blessed week filled with well deserved peace, love and light.

**** Be who you would like to see the world reflect back to you!!!!"

I also get emails from others who are very touched by my blog and those too, warm my heart. See, its really good to live in the moment and feeling good is a blessing. So when others just tell me that they are thinking of me and praying for me, it gives me moments of warm thoughts. I always think back about all who are praying for me, even those I have never met in person. I talk and even email very loving caring people and they tell me of others in their circles who are praying for me. I don't feel pain all the time, but I still get pain a lot, but most of the time I get relief even for just a few seconds now and then; its still lasting moments of being pain free. The abdominal blocks I often suffer from are a trip to have, because it is pain from air bubbles trapped and eventually the almighty dam will break and I will spare you the details on that. Hey, it is relief; although not the most pleasant.

A Higher CA125 = worrying...

Well I have been experiencing more abdominal pain and this morning awoke to the taste of blood. It's kind of scary and I just got my results from my last CA125 which was taken last Monday, Nov. 3rd. This one seems to have gone up 2 points and this was with the Etoposide. Prior to this CA125, it was at 24. If it goes up again, more than likely I will need to change chemotherapy treatments. I pray there is something new and am hoping for a chance for a study in analyzing my own tumors and then building a vaccine like treatment. I know this sort of treatment is showing promise.







These treatments seem so hopeful and I certainly hope and pray I am qualified to utilize them. For now I am just going to hold on to hope and faith that things will get better. The snow is coming and nothing is going to stop me from going snowboarding. If I have any addictions, then it is definitely the feeling of going very fast down a mountain with the cold wind hitting parts of my face, flying through the woods, hitting natural jumps. Even when I do fall, it's a reminder I am still alive and well; despite the cancer. As I go faster and faster down a mountain, I imagine cancer cells dying. In fact when ever I am exercising or doing anything physical, I imagine cancer cells dying.

This is just another bump in the road.

Today's meditation for today: #214 Practice this visualization to give you the strength to keep going when problems seem insurmountable. Visualize yourself at the bottom of a mountain whose summit is enshrouded in cloud. You embark on the long and arduous descent - the path is steep and rocky, the damp air chills your skin and the mist grows even thicker. You concentrate on putting one foot in front of the other, trusting that the path will deliver you to your destination. Near the summit the clouds disperse and the way ahead becomes clear. You realize that as long as you have the strength to keep going; all challenges conquerable.

Objectionable Content-Adult Related?

To be quite honest, I made the decision to actually pull the trigger and take the Adult Warning off of my Blog.

For a while when I first started my blog, I didn't have the Adult warning on it. Eventually my blog got down to 755,000 on Alexa and then all of a sudden my Google Adsense account got suspended. I went through my blog bit by bit and found a few references to my smoking of cannabis for my pain and suffering in the treatment for my Cancer (most definitely approved by my Oncologists and Internist). I kind of figured that perhaps it was Objectionable Content and made the decision to place the Adult Warning on my Blog.

After I put the Adult Warning on my Blog, I got many complaints that my blog just doesn't seem that Adult Content oriented and even some readers had suggested that my blog could even help the world if more could find it. I am down with that for sure! I want World Peace in my lifetime and for all of us to work together.

I tried it out and then went through and read the Google Adsense terms and conditions over and over again and finally put the warning back on. Sorry folks to disappoint some of you, but lots of what I talk about should only be discussed with adults. So the WARNING must stay. I don't want kids to be able to access my blog very easily and for me get into some serious trouble over my dialog of medicinal cannabis doing absolutely NO harm to myself.

Also, the amount of money our Federal Government has wasted telling children that Pot can kill you or harm your body for good. We all paid heavily for those informercials and even though those infomercials are based purely on lies, the fact is many parents would rather their children and others children not know that pot can't really kill you. My blog essentially makes those arguments null and void. Some kids might not be ready to learn the truth just yet and many parents don't wish for them to know the truth just yet. Its their kids and my warning is just protecting those kids. People have a right to teach their children what they wish for thier children to learn.

Its a price I have to pay and my blog just won't get indexed as all the other websites in cyber space are able to. We will see the power of the word of mouth!

I am not a parent nor will I ever be and I don't want to influence others who are young to do as I do. I'm only utilizing this completely natural drug for pain and suffering in my cancer treatments. I'm just doing what works for me for pain and suffering as I really don't deserve to suffer in pain. What works for me, works and I'm sticking with it no matter what the Federal Government thinks. I can honestly say the Government has no idea what I go through daily and they have no business arresting me for alleviating pain and suffering.

A Benefit Concert at a local pub

For two weeks I have been reminded of a special benefit concert by one of my best friends. OK, my friend Nikki. Anyway, a good friend of hers has a 22 year old son who was diagnosed just last year with Lou Gehrig's disease for which there is no cure. The money raised from this concert would mostly go towards making the rest of this young man's life a better quality for him. S everal bands performed including Stratus and Modern Day Cowboy a tribute band to Tesla.



Well that night finally came and we had lots of fun. Raffle tickets were sold and the winner got to take home a signed guitar from the band Tesla. Most of the patrons were from San Bruno and they seemed to be a very nice crowd despite many of their appearances. I don't usually judge too much on appearance. What matters to me is where their heart is and their actions.

As I talked with a few at this benefit, I was surprised at many's reactions at how fast this disease was taking a toll on this young man. He was already wheel chair bound in just a short year. It was just a stark reminder of how deadly this disease really is. I had only met 1 other person who's life was affected by Lou Gehrig's disease. This good friend's wife was taken from that same disease and she had died in his arms as they were traveling Europe in a train. That I will never forget.

A few women looked over at me as if I were out of place but I smiled at everyone I could because I feel lucky to be here and celebrating life. I was lucky just to be able to get out for a little bit despite having some horrible diarrhea. (at least I can poop!) I couldn't stay too long because the bathroom was a real challenge for me. I was also getting some really painful anal spasms which were not at all comfortable for me. Oh the unpleasantries of this horrible, horrible cancer! I went outside a few times to smoke some cannabis and it really helped some but it made me incredibly thirsty that my throat was dry. Because the bar was so busy, it was nearly impossible to get a drink.

Inside the bathroom, there was only one stall which utilized Brillo pad like toilet paper and a sink that was overflowed with dirty looking water so you couldn't really wash your hands all that well and for me, I needed to be able to wash my hands. It kind of grossed me out to have to wash my hands like that!

As I was trying to make do with the sink, a woman walked out of the bathroom in her black dress obviously worried about how she looked in that black dress. She was maybe 10 years older than myself as she looked over at me and said "I don't like wearing this dress or how it looks on me". She looked a little sad, but I looked right at her and told her, I think you look very beautiful and stunning tonight especially in that dress. Hold you head high". She smiled and said "really?" and I said "absolutely" and she thanked me as she walked out the door. There I did, I made someone smile.

Throughout the night, I tried not to cry because I felt so horrible for this poor young man who's life will eventually be cut short. We must find a cure for this disease and all diseases if possible. I feel that Stem Cell Research may hold some keys. Changes are going to happen. Although I know death is inevitable for all of us, I can't help but feel that some are just too young and should have their whole lives ahead of them. Yes, sometimes life just isn't fair.

One patron claimed to have donated $10,000 to the cause. I certainly hope this man wasn't lying and want so bad to believe that there are angels who truly care and would sacrifice this amount of money for someone they feel deserves it more. Some had claimed that this man was lying and perhaps intoxicated; if this is true, how could anyone lead someone on like that?

You can kind of see the young man in his wheelchair being kissed on the head by someone loving and caring; perhaps his family. Now the man in the black t-shirt talking with the woman with reddish blond hair is the man who is supposedly donating $10,000 to the cause. God, I hope he is not lying and leading that poor young man on. That would be so incredibly cruel and even heartless to do. I'm sending good vibes that he will be good on his word and for the family.

When you make promises to do or help others, you should stick to the promise and make good on it. I actually said a little prayer last night that this man would and was not lying; perhaps proving those who doubt him wrong. I hope he really is an angel. I was willing to give up my raffle ticket to him (we only paid $20), if we were to win that guitar. My husband and I are both left handed so we wouldn't be able to use the guitar.

I hate to say it, but the father of this young man and despite all the hell he is going through is still very very lucky. He at least got to spend 22 years with his son and to enjoy the time spent with him which really is a gift. I had a son over 19 years ago who only lived 2 days and despite my loss, I still have an angel in heaven. That's what I have chosen to believe. At the time it was a very scary time in my life but as the years have gone by, I now feel blessed that I at least got to experience being a mom even if it was just for a little while.

Any amount of time that you get to spend with your children really is a gift especially when there are memories being made. Always remember that your children will NEVER be young for ever and to spend any amount of time with them is a true gift!)