Livestrong day...Getting diagnosed...

Well today is officially the 10th anniversary of Lance Armstrong's initial Cancer Diagnosis and the 2nd year diagnosis of another fellow blogger; POD. She had mentioned that Lance Armstrong wasn't too much of a big deal until her diagnosis and it was the same for me. I didn't even know who he was until after I got diagnosed. A friend from work got me the first Lance Armstrong book which inspired me to fight. I will be celebrating my 7th year next month on the 15th. I even had my last name changed to "Armstrong" for my battle and it was 2 days before my battle began that I became an official "Armstrong".

Well here is a little of my story of how I got diagnosed; I know I had written about it on my "About Me" page; sorry to bore so many of you but I am still celebrating getting married to the most most amazing man ever. I can't help but feel so much love and appreciation for him and for all that he does for me each and every day. He helps me in so many ways and has so many responsibilities that he has to do each and every day in order to take care of me.

To be totally honest, when I first got diagnosed; we had been trying for children and I wasn't getting pregnant; the GYN doctor had told me that my cervix was tilted and we had accepted this for about 2 - 3 years; my PAP smear had always come back negative; so we had nothing really to be suspicious about. I got a transvaginal ultrasound ordered after the doctor felt what he thought was a ovarian cyst. I was hoping and praying that it was a dermoid cyst since they tend to emulate many cells in the body by sometimes growing hair and even bone; sometimes even teeth. I researched these different types of cysts on the internet and learned so much about them; they were all a type of benign tumor; GOD how I wished that I had one of those.; I still kind of do. Anyway, the ultrasound and x-rays all indicated that I needed surgery to remove the cyst or what we had thought was a cyst. I was OK with that. I even prayed that before the surgery that it would be one of those (dermoid); we could just get it removed and go on with our lives and raise a family of our own.

Well right before the surgery; I had an anxiety attack and cried just before being pushed off to surgery. Everyone around me told me that I had absolutely nothing to worry about; everyone. There was not a negative person in the room; there was maybe a 1-5% chance that I would have cancer; so they were all able to calm me down. I wasn't even sure why; but it happened then when I awoke from that surgery; I kept hearing "Stage II/III Ovarian Cancer patient." "GOD, I hope they are not talking or referring to me" I thought. It was so surreal and scary. What a nightmare I thought to myself if I really have cancer! Then I would just go back to sleep and awake again just thinking that it's all just a very bad dream; it will all be better; "I'm not the one they are talking about!". Then I opened my eyes to see what the reality just might be; I was blinded for just a second with this light right in my eyes.

I couldn't believe the timing, but my husband or actually my fiance was standing right over my gurney and asking me to marry him soon. He had the ring neatly tucked in the box so that it was shining in the light so perfectly. I could become an Armstrong and tackle this disease with my partner hand in hand!) He told me the news of the cancer as I uncontrollably started crying and hyperventilating. Also to find out that all of my female organs taken out too; I almost felt that I wasn't a female anymore. OMG I thought! What a horror! This can not be real! I was so incredibly heart broken and sad.

This wonderful man who wants to marry me and we are not going to have any children.? We wanted some kids our own and felt that we would be great parents, but it wasn't in the cards for us. He was more accepting of it than I was at the time; he was always looking at the bright side of things for me and reminding me that I was incredibly special to him; I was this cool chick that inspired him and introduced him to so much great music and all the fun times we had together and still do.

I remember being in my room (right after the surgery) and one of my friends who had just had a baby came to visit with her cute son and to see my husband hold that tiny child just completely broke my heart. He handled the child so carefully and the baby was only 2 months old; still very young. I kept thinking to myself, "I can't give him this" and I tried my best to control the tears but they just streamed down my face like there was no tomorrow mostly because it was so incredibly beautiful to see him holding this tiny child in his arms and how he corresponded with the child; it was my dream to see him holding a child of his very own. "My this wonderful man could make such a wonderful caring, loving father". It was such sweet music to my ears to hear him talking to this baby in his manly sweet tone; I think it made me cry even more because it sounded so beautiful. He was so touching and loving to this very young child. He then saw the tears that were streaming down my face and he immediately gave her back her son and then came over by my bedside and immediately held me in his arms and told me it's OK. He rocked me in his arms so gently until I was calmed down and the tears had stopped. We just told her that we are still in shock from the news of the cancer.

After she had left, we had a long talk and he told me that his love for me is so great that he is kind of relieved to not have any children and to have me all to himself. It didn't matter at all that I wouldn't be able to have any children for him. I was still very, very special to him. He is always quick to remind me that I am a very beautiful person both inside and out and that is why he fell do deeply in love with me. Hell, this just means that we get to have more fun together; go snowboarding, travel, spend all that money that we would have spend on the children on ourselves, and just enjoy having many wonderful dates together. He just sat there and told me everything that I wanted to hear at the moment to make me feel so much better. He just has this way of making me feel better about the situation and he still does. It really was the bright side of things with this stupid cancer.

What it came down to while in the hospital; hearing all about starting chemo and all the awful things you have to prepare for in this battle is that we really needed to get married right away before my hair fell out or even started chemo and that is what we agreed together on. I needed to have the last name "Armstrong" before starting this battle and I can thank a very good friend at work who gave me the first Lance Armstrong book which detailed his fight; I was very inspired. I didn't even know who Lance Armstrong was (actually I had heard his name many times before) before this battle but to be another Armstrong fighting this battle really meant a lot especially after reading that book!

So while in the hospital we planned our special day together. We listed a bunch of restaurants that maybe we would like to get married at. The Moss Beach Distillary topped our list; there was this Blue Lady associated with the restaurant and it had been on "Unsolved Mysteries" and it was on the beach practically. What a gorgeous sunset we would have during our wedding! (This is the actual sunset from our wedding!) It hadn't been official yet until we called our families.

We did get to celebrate Thanksgiving (I baked a turkey and some ham) and I remember one of the chemo nurses had even called me around Tuesday (week of Thanksgiving) to let me know that tomorrow (the day before Thanksgiving); she had an open spot for chemo (in case I would like to start early) so that I could just puke up all of my turkey all over the place on Thanksgiving day. I thought that was kind of heartless to call me and ask me to move my chemo date. Do I really want to spend my Thanksgiving puking my brains out and my wedding date would be in a week! We were still planning our wedding and I wanted to celebrate Thanksgiving too! My first chemo was scheduled for Thursday, December 5th, 2002.

My father immediately got an airline ticket; he wanted to be there to walk his daughter down the aisle. He wasn't going to miss this for the world. My dad arrived on that Friday just after Thanksgiving (we had plenty of leftovers); so we kind of had a second Thanksgiving with him.

Then the whole weekend my dad and I went driving around looking for a place to get married that whole weekend before the wedding. We had to stop so I go potty every 20-30 minutes; it was frustrating but we kept agreeing; "at least I'm alive". When we got to the Moss Beach Distillery and looked out at the view; there was no denying this place and they told us straight up; it was OK for us to do our wedding here. We also went on that Sunday and found the perfect dress! It wasn't white, but it was this 20's style that I was picturing in my mind of getting married in.

There was only about 10 guests total and even those who had come to the restaurant could even be a part of our special day. We had a few people watching us get married.

Boy that Monday before the wedding was a very hectic day but we got his best friend deputized to perform the wedding; we got our wedding license and we even had the clerk take the photo of us after we got our wedding license. We photographed everything. My honey even got his suit on that day as well (I had gotten my dress, shoes, and coat on Sunday).

It was quite a story for many to follow at my job. I had asked off 6 weeks for my initial surgery (many had been concerned for me but it was supposed to be a routine surgery); then for them to get the news that I had advanced cancer and would be going through chemotherapy treatments (I still worked during those treatments) and on top of that; I'm getting married too! Anyway, we stopped by my job I think it might have been the day we were to be married and they had a special surprise party for us and had raised over $1000 for a very special honey moon for us in Napa. There were wedding gifts and gift certificates and cards signed by everyone in my department and some other departments as well. I guess many could not believe a wedding resulting from a cancer diagnosis; it must have tugged quite a few hearts. I wasn't in the shape to take a honeymoon just yet but we did eventually in July of 2003. I was so touched by everyone at my job and will never ever forget the kindness they share for me and still do. It is the best place I have ever worked.

9 days after being released from the hospital and 1 day after getting those annoying staples out of my tummy was the special day; Tuesday, December 3rd, 2002. My sweetie was so precious on that special day. He wanted everything to be perfect and it was so freaking cute. He had these little tantrums and he makes the cutest noises ever when things do go just as planned (like dropping things and being clumsy). Anyway, our wedding was a blast and it could not have been more perfect.

The evening of our wedding; we stayed at this nice little inn that had a jacuzzi in the room and since I still have my surgitape still on; I couldn't soak in the tub but I was able to soak my feet while my most deserved honey got enjoy the full benefits for both of us. We had a blood test to take early in the morning and then the following day was my very first chemo. I still feel we have the ultimate love story of what it really means to get married and to be there for one another no matter what. He continues to take good care of me each and every day; hooking me up to the TPN and it is a long process to do each day; but he is more than willing too and I'm excited that he is taking off time from work to help me get stronger. Peace and love to all! I hope you all enjoyed!

No matter what side of the healthcare debate you're on, I believe we can all agree on two things:

No American should be denied health insurance coverage because of pre-existing conditions.

No American should lose their insurance due to changes in health or employment.

Make sure what happened to Lance Armstrong, doesn't happen to other cancer patients. Please be sure to sign this petition to Congress! All Cancer Patients regardless of insurance, deserves to live.

What has cancer taught me?

My husband and I had dreams of becoming really good parents and had felt that we had learned from our own parents mistakes to avoid on how we could raise our children. We would take weaknesses and turn them into strengths. In life you have to take what you are given and make it better.

We were actually trying for kids just prior to me getting diagnosed with what we thought was a cyst in my right ovary. I will never forget the fear of going under just prior to that life changing surgery. I had prayed to God that this wouldn't happen and for some odd reason I was worried about that small 5% chance that I would have cancer.

I would be lying if I said that we weren't heartbroken when we got that initial diagnosis after waking up from that long 9 hour surgery. What would we have done differently? True it was a nightmare to wake up to and I blamed God in the beginning, but I have learned so much about life from this (probably too common) experience. One thing that helped was my rock (my husband), we turned a tragedy into a wedding; just two days before my first chemo treatment!)

I like to think that me going through this hell (Cancer) is for a purpose; to make those around me, appreciate the right now. I didn't get the real opportunity as most do to raise children, to become a real mom, and to watch them progress into adulthood. I did feel cheated at first to not have those opportunities as most women do, but I have to keep on living and enjoy life with the man I truly love. I was given true love and am completely grateful for that. Many experience life without ever finding it.

I really do have lots to be thankful anyway, I have the most amazing 3 nieces and 3 nephews (I am truly amazed at each one them), and tons of friend's kids that I get to watch grow up. I have gracefully accepted that we can't have kids (actually we both have). I still do have a hand at the future with my knowledge and wisdom.

It's not the same, but I do have a dog and a cat that give me simple loving pleasure and satisfaction when I get home from work if I've had a stressful day. I get to talk to talk them and teach them things and I am satisfied because I could be living in a place where I wouldn't be allowed to have them. True, it's not the same, but I am grateful for them. I would never want a child to have to go through this pain as we go through. It's hard enough on my husband, my family, loved ones, and even my pets to see me suffer sometimes.

In life, you have to be thankful for what you have and look right in front of you if you have missed it. I have been talked to about God from many and have come to accept that my only hope in this life is to live life as I feel that Jesus or God would want me to live it. I don't blame anyone for my own situation and I have never understood those who play victim; always blaming others for their own misfortunes.

I know in my heart that greediness and not sharing with others is not how he would want me to live my life. Him giving me this cancer has taught me to appreciate every moment I am given and to live my life in the moment, doing what I feel in my heart is the best thing to do with that special moment & by making decisions that I feel are really best. I just try do my best in every situation that I can; just be the best person I can be.

Yes, I can't help but get really frustrated when I hear of another woman who takes motherhood for granted or as a downfall to her own situation. I can't understand wishing a child was never born or even telling a child this. I read and often hear about others who have witnessed moments such as this and it really truly appalls me.

I really wish I could speak or have some kind of a difference in these women's lives so that they don't ever feel that motherhood is not a gift. I want them to imagine life in my shoes so that they never feel that motherhood is a curse. I don't like that there are children out there that are abused and neglected because I personally don't feel I could ever neglect my own child. I can't comprehend in my chemo brain why anyone would want to harm anyone innocent. I really wish I could make a difference for helping these parents see the light of what they are doing to their children. I wish I could do something to wake these women up and to let them know that there are so many women out there that would die to be in their place.

I do believe everything happens for a reason and perhaps I was chosen to go through this hell to teach others to not to take their gifts in life for granted; to be happy for the moment and what they already have and to not obsess to much about the future. Enjoy right now. Hell, my day is good day if I get to take a shit. Imagine your life being so simple as that; not wishing for much, as for me, that's a lot. I don't take regular thinks such as body functions for granted.

I like to think that the lives of people around me are also affected by my experiences on a deep level as their appreciation for not having to go through what I endure on this journey. I'm so very open about what I go through and will talk to anyone honestly about what I am facing. I would never mean for them to stress out for me, just be happy for what you have and that you have this moment to share with me. I'm not afraid anymore. I don't want others to feel sorry for me or to have to worry about me, just pray and send positive thoughts about me; smile when you think of me. In all I just want my life to have meaning for others around me and this blog gives me the opportunity to do just that. Peace & Love!)

A visit from my Dad...

My dad came to visit me on Thursday night, Thanksgiving Day. His flight arrived early enough that we were able to share somewhat of a small Thanksgiving meal. My husband and my dad enjoyed some honey baked ham with a mixture of pineapple and brown sugar, Rutabaga mashed potatoes, gravy, and french cut string beans and mushrooms, with pumpkin pie for desert. Friday, I cooked the turkey, Yams, sweet potatoes, Dressing, Cranberry sauce, gravy, and more!

My dad has come to visit me several times over the years especially since the diagnosis. I will never ever forget him visiting right after I got diagnosed and that huge huge surgery. He stayed with us for about 10 days in our tiny little apartment. Well during that stressful time, he was able to witness our wedding (December 3, 2002) and he got the opportunity to walk me down the aisle at the Moss Beach Distillery. It was a very impromtu perfect little wedding.

The next couple of times my father came to visit was incredibly scary for him seeing me in such severe pain and suffering. I think it nearly killed him to see me in so much pain.
I was in the hospital when he arrived and he came right to my hospital room. It was a few weeks after my second abdominal surgery and it was during those many weekends we spend in the hospital. I was discharged just 2 days later, then a couple of days later, I was back in the emergency room. This had proceeded to be a problem for many weeks in a row. Anyway, my dad and I went to San Francisco together and was able to have some fun prior to my next severe abdominal blockage.

One thing that was cool was that he was able to witness the real miracle of the power of medicinal cannabis in my situation. He had watched me struggle with severe pain, to the point that tears were streaming down my face and I struggled with breathing due to the sharp, sharp pains resulting from my blocked and twisted intestines and then all of a sudden after smoking, I felt almost instant calmness and relief from the severe pain. It was quite a contrast in a matter of 5 minutes. Even though it was only temporary relief, those were moments where I was not crying in pain and was able to be somewhat normal.

I try to take the pain as much as I can because I know in my heart how difficult it must be for my father or even any family member to see me in such pain. It can't be easy for my father to know how hard I am battling for my life. I am true testament of how important it is to cherish life and each waking moment.

Well this visit we were so busy on today. We went and had breakfast at Carrows (won't go there again because of the awful service). You would think in this economy that the bad workers would be let go but not here. Anyway enough about bad karma, we still had a blast. The neighbor's daughter came and spent the entire day together with us. We went to the dog park and Blue Belle got to show off her skills playing frisbee and romping with another beautiful Blue Merle Sheltie (Jagger), then from there, we went to the pet store for more food for Blue Belle and while there, my father got to see these huge snakes molting, then some huge tortoises, and more pets. We walked to the back of the store and Blue Belle got very nervous as we approached more huge snakes. I think she could sense that these animals could easily eat her for dinner. I felt bad for this poor rabbit in a cage as it was very obvious that he would be dinner within a few hours for the huge snake in the cage in front of him.

After the pet store, we took Miss Blue Belle home and we continued on to the Gun Show which was held at the Santa Clara Fairgrounds. No photos were allowed at all (we even had to take our camera back to the car=bummer). We saw lots of old guns, redneck t-shirts (many ignorant racist t-shirts), lots of really nice jewelry for which me and Amanda (my neighbor) couldn't get enough of. We saw a really neat hand made lamp that was made out of a fishing pole, and the lever part turned on the light (it was stringed like a fishing rod). Very cool. We also saw this guy selling lots of tasers starting at $350 and of course he has pistol in his belt.

The coolest part was when we got to the very last booth where this older gentleman had a bunch of old Winchester Rifles and even one which was priced at $26,000. That particular model, only 183 total were made of that particular gun. I was trying to explain to Amanda about these guns and old Winchester Mystery House. The man then started up a conversation with us to include a very, very interesting history lesson about Sara Winchester. It is weird that in that house, you don't really see much of a gun collection. Most of the Winchester gun Rarities are found in North Eastern Wyoming at the Wild Bill Museum.

The man continued to tell us that all the things about Sara Winchester and how the whole ghosts and seances were pretty much untrue and that the real reason Sara Winchester had built this huge house was partly because she was the very first woman to ever graduate from MIT in Architectural Design. It just seemed so unbelievable, but very fascinating.

I was hoping this might all be true but I seriously doubted it but we listened anyway. He claimed that most of the areas of the house that were so strange for some like the stairs to no where were from designs and paper drawings from school and why they were designed the way that they were was simply because she mostly just wanted to see up close what she had learned in school. He had claimed there were many homes that now featured many of Sara's building designs from that house.

Now I did do a search in Google and found nothing at all about any of this, so I do plan to at least call MIT to find our more and to see if she actually did graduate MIT? I have to know so if you are curious I plan to find out for sure soon.

We then left the gun show and went home to pick up Miss Blue Belle and take her over to a friend's party. She had some Dungeonous crab which my dad had never tried before. It was very good and Blue Belle got to play with a Rottwieller until she got too rough with Blue Belle (she nipped her little bottom or tail?) Blue Belle also got to meet my friend's rat which she didn't want much to do with. Amanda played with the rat the entire time at the party. It was a good get together as me and Celeste exchanged stories of our unusual childhood's with wild animals.

That was one thing we had in common; both of our mother's loved animals much more than humans and even treated them better in many ways. On one occasion when I was about 6 or 7 years old and my brother was maybe 3 or 4, we were riding along in the back seat together (before child seats) and my father was driving. A family of skunks were crossing the road and my mom had my dad immediately stop. With that, she bolted out of the car to grab two of those little skunks by the tail. She threw both little skunks into the front seat right next to my dad where both little assholes were pointing directly at my dad enough so that he got some double spray action. My parents were fighting like crazy but it was hilarious. My brother cried because the smell was just god awful while I laughed because I was more aware of what was happening at the moment. The smell was so horrible that my eyes were burning. I don't even think the smell phased my mom at all because she really wanted to take both those cute babies home no matter what. My father yelled for her to take those little skunks out of the car immediately and it took her a few moments before she finally picked up both babies by the tail and placed them back with their family. My dad had also remembered that it must have taken months to get the smell out of the car. Everyone was in stitches as I told this story especially Amanda.

Celeste had several cool stories about how her mom had rescued animals and she mostly had snakes and alligators since she was originally from Florida. It was funny our parallelisms in our moms and our fathers. It just goes to show how we live in a parallel universe.

What is really inside the heart of cancer survivor?

Most of the thoughts that run through your head when first getting diagnosed with advanced cancer, given a specified time of survival, is why me? I have to be honest I did for a while and in many ways, I felt well maybe I deserved to be. I'm not perfect in any way but I hope to improve myself as a person. Many have a sense of hopelessness when faced with this grim reality.

In reality, no one really deserves to go through such pain and suffering and it is pain and suffering to have to go through numerous surgeries, chemotherapies, radiation; all the medical methods offered here in the United States. We don't have the best methods, & we certainly don't have the funding to beat cancer. Don't get me wrong, there are so many great advances going on that I can't even begin to tell. I work for an amazing company with amazing scientists who are dedicated to finding cures and or treatments for many diseases. Me coming to work each day puts a face into what they are doing.

In order to survive cancer; you have to have hope in your heart that you can beat it. If you feel you will die from the cancer, you will. I saw this just working in a vet's office. Animals have this sense about them that if they don't feel well, or they know something is seriously wrong with them, most will crawl and hide somewhere just to die. Some people have this about them as well. They get the diagnosis and they just give up hope.

To be quite honest, I don't have it in me yet to just give up. In fact I know I don't. I have gotten close to the other side on numerous occasions and it just isn't time yet. What made me much stronger, was my loving husband by my side. He picked me up so many times when I felt I was loosing hope. He helped me realize so many things and most of all a purpose.

I feel strongly that I have a purpose in helping others to beat this disease. I am doing something right to have survived this long with odds against me. Not all cancer is the same, some can be more aggressive, some slow growing while being hard to get rid of, and some just appear out of no where as it had been dormant for sometime. Either way you look at it, its all different, much like our DNA. We all have a way of fighting it within our bodies.

We don't get cancer, because we did something bad. I have heard Cancer being called, the nice person's disease. Most nice people end up getting cancer. It could be that they care about others more than they care for themselves. We just haven't quite figured that out.

I have just learned to live with my cancer and I might just make it miserable in the ways that I take care of myself, utilizing nutrition, diet, exercise, yoga, and even meditation. I like to think that I do make it miserable. Positive thoughts can get you far in life and that's one thing that cancer has taught me. Utilize your mind as it is powerful and can help you win this tough battle. Scientists are just beginning to understand the power of the mind. If you are going to fight this battle, I hope you will check out my Cancer Support Page as I plan to update it often.