What has cancer taught me?

My husband and I had dreams of becoming really good parents and had felt that we had learned from our own parents mistakes to avoid on how we could raise our children. We would take weaknesses and turn them into strengths. In life you have to take what you are given and make it better.

We were actually trying for kids just prior to me getting diagnosed with what we thought was a cyst in my right ovary. I will never forget the fear of going under just prior to that life changing surgery. I had prayed to God that this wouldn't happen and for some odd reason I was worried about that small 5% chance that I would have cancer.

I would be lying if I said that we weren't heartbroken when we got that initial diagnosis after waking up from that long 9 hour surgery. What would we have done differently? True it was a nightmare to wake up to and I blamed God in the beginning, but I have learned so much about life from this (probably too common) experience. One thing that helped was my rock (my husband), we turned a tragedy into a wedding; just two days before my first chemo treatment!)

I like to think that me going through this hell (Cancer) is for a purpose; to make those around me, appreciate the right now. I didn't get the real opportunity as most do to raise children, to become a real mom, and to watch them progress into adulthood. I did feel cheated at first to not have those opportunities as most women do, but I have to keep on living and enjoy life with the man I truly love. I was given true love and am completely grateful for that. Many experience life without ever finding it.

I really do have lots to be thankful anyway, I have the most amazing 3 nieces and 3 nephews (I am truly amazed at each one them), and tons of friend's kids that I get to watch grow up. I have gracefully accepted that we can't have kids (actually we both have). I still do have a hand at the future with my knowledge and wisdom.

It's not the same, but I do have a dog and a cat that give me simple loving pleasure and satisfaction when I get home from work if I've had a stressful day. I get to talk to talk them and teach them things and I am satisfied because I could be living in a place where I wouldn't be allowed to have them. True, it's not the same, but I am grateful for them. I would never want a child to have to go through this pain as we go through. It's hard enough on my husband, my family, loved ones, and even my pets to see me suffer sometimes.

In life, you have to be thankful for what you have and look right in front of you if you have missed it. I have been talked to about God from many and have come to accept that my only hope in this life is to live life as I feel that Jesus or God would want me to live it. I don't blame anyone for my own situation and I have never understood those who play victim; always blaming others for their own misfortunes.

I know in my heart that greediness and not sharing with others is not how he would want me to live my life. Him giving me this cancer has taught me to appreciate every moment I am given and to live my life in the moment, doing what I feel in my heart is the best thing to do with that special moment & by making decisions that I feel are really best. I just try do my best in every situation that I can; just be the best person I can be.

Yes, I can't help but get really frustrated when I hear of another woman who takes motherhood for granted or as a downfall to her own situation. I can't understand wishing a child was never born or even telling a child this. I read and often hear about others who have witnessed moments such as this and it really truly appalls me.

I really wish I could speak or have some kind of a difference in these women's lives so that they don't ever feel that motherhood is not a gift. I want them to imagine life in my shoes so that they never feel that motherhood is a curse. I don't like that there are children out there that are abused and neglected because I personally don't feel I could ever neglect my own child. I can't comprehend in my chemo brain why anyone would want to harm anyone innocent. I really wish I could make a difference for helping these parents see the light of what they are doing to their children. I wish I could do something to wake these women up and to let them know that there are so many women out there that would die to be in their place.

I do believe everything happens for a reason and perhaps I was chosen to go through this hell to teach others to not to take their gifts in life for granted; to be happy for the moment and what they already have and to not obsess to much about the future. Enjoy right now. Hell, my day is good day if I get to take a shit. Imagine your life being so simple as that; not wishing for much, as for me, that's a lot. I don't take regular thinks such as body functions for granted.

I like to think that the lives of people around me are also affected by my experiences on a deep level as their appreciation for not having to go through what I endure on this journey. I'm so very open about what I go through and will talk to anyone honestly about what I am facing. I would never mean for them to stress out for me, just be happy for what you have and that you have this moment to share with me. I'm not afraid anymore. I don't want others to feel sorry for me or to have to worry about me, just pray and send positive thoughts about me; smile when you think of me. In all I just want my life to have meaning for others around me and this blog gives me the opportunity to do just that. Peace & Love!)