WARNING: Some of the Content here may be Objectionable to some. I have this blog labeled as "Adult Only" as a common courtesy for those who may easily be offended by Adult topics such as the Truth, Down to Earth topics, realities of living with Ovarian Cancer and/or any life threatening disease that goes along with it; Sexuality, Medicinal Cannabis, Profanity, and of course plenty of unpleasant body functions are also discussed here. This is a very tough battle for which I don't intend to hold anything back on what I am facing.

This blog is very personal and comes from the heart of a real fighting cancer patient who wishes nothing more than to live for all of those I love my own will to live, and my love of life. While sometimes I might be on heavy medication (prescribed by my doctor) and occasionally I might write about things or subjects that one may never even think about or consider; so please consider that as well. Yes; whacked out things might even be found here; but I mean everything in all good intentions.

This blog is not at all intended for the faint hearted, those who lack a sense of humor, have no idea what down to earth means, greedy mean people, and/or those who don't know how to share the world with others, and especially those who are unable to easily put themselves into the shoes of others. This blog is mostly about my journey of living my life in the best ways that I can under the Golden Rule and appreciating all of the GOOD KHARMA that comes my way! Never take anything in this world for granted; especially family and friends!

Saturday, December 13, 2008

What has cancer taught me?

My husband and I had dreams of becoming really good parents and had felt that we had learned from our own parents mistakes to avoid on how we could raise our children. We would take weaknesses and turn them into strengths. In life you have to take what you are given and make it better.

We were actually trying for kids just prior to me getting diagnosed with what we thought was a cyst in my right ovary. I will never forget the fear of going under just prior to that life changing surgery. I had prayed to God that this wouldn't happen and for some odd reason I was worried about that small 5% chance that I would have cancer.

I would be lying if I said that we weren't heartbroken when we got that initial diagnosis after waking up from that long 9 hour surgery. What would we have done differently? True it was a nightmare to wake up to and I blamed God in the beginning, but I have learned so much about life from this (probably too common) experience. One thing that helped was my rock (my husband), we turned a tragedy into a wedding; just two days before my first chemo treatment!)

I like to think that me going through this hell (Cancer) is for a purpose; to make those around me, appreciate the right now. I didn't get the real opportunity as most do to raise children, to become a real mom, and to watch them progress into adulthood. I did feel cheated at first to not have those opportunities as most women do, but I have to keep on living and enjoy life with the man I truly love. I was given true love and am completely grateful for that. Many experience life without ever finding it.

I really do have lots to be thankful anyway, I have the most amazing 3 nieces and 3 nephews (I am truly amazed at each one them), and tons of friend's kids that I get to watch grow up. I have gracefully accepted that we can't have kids (actually we both have). I still do have a hand at the future with my knowledge and wisdom.

It's not the same, but I do have a dog and a cat that give me simple loving pleasure and satisfaction when I get home from work if I've had a stressful day. I get to talk to talk them and teach them things and I am satisfied because I could be living in a place where I wouldn't be allowed to have them. True, it's not the same, but I am grateful for them. I would never want a child to have to go through this pain as we go through. It's hard enough on my husband, my family, loved ones, and even my pets to see me suffer sometimes.

In life, you have to be thankful for what you have and look right in front of you if you have missed it. I have been talked to about God from many and have come to accept that my only hope in this life is to live life as I feel that Jesus or God would want me to live it. I don't blame anyone for my own situation and I have never understood those who play victim; always blaming others for their own misfortunes.

I know in my heart that greediness and not sharing with others is not how he would want me to live my life. Him giving me this cancer has taught me to appreciate every moment I am given and to live my life in the moment, doing what I feel in my heart is the best thing to do with that special moment & by making decisions that I feel are really best. I just try do my best in every situation that I can; just be the best person I can be.

Yes, I can't help but get really frustrated when I hear of another woman who takes motherhood for granted or as a downfall to her own situation. I can't understand wishing a child was never born or even telling a child this. I read and often hear about others who have witnessed moments such as this and it really truly appalls me.

I really wish I could speak or have some kind of a difference in these women's lives so that they don't ever feel that motherhood is not a gift. I want them to imagine life in my shoes so that they never feel that motherhood is a curse. I don't like that there are children out there that are abused and neglected because I personally don't feel I could ever neglect my own child. I can't comprehend in my chemo brain why anyone would want to harm anyone innocent. I really wish I could make a difference for helping these parents see the light of what they are doing to their children. I wish I could do something to wake these women up and to let them know that there are so many women out there that would die to be in their place.

I do believe everything happens for a reason and perhaps I was chosen to go through this hell to teach others to not to take their gifts in life for granted; to be happy for the moment and what they already have and to not obsess to much about the future. Enjoy right now. Hell, my day is good day if I get to take a shit. Imagine your life being so simple as that; not wishing for much, as for me, that's a lot. I don't take regular thinks such as body functions for granted.

I like to think that the lives of people around me are also affected by my experiences on a deep level as their appreciation for not having to go through what I endure on this journey. I'm so very open about what I go through and will talk to anyone honestly about what I am facing. I would never mean for them to stress out for me, just be happy for what you have and that you have this moment to share with me. I'm not afraid anymore. I don't want others to feel sorry for me or to have to worry about me, just pray and send positive thoughts about me; smile when you think of me. In all I just want my life to have meaning for others around me and this blog gives me the opportunity to do just that. Peace & Love!)


test said...

I didn't get the opportunity to raise children either [and I would have loved to], but I do take great joy in my step daughters, and my granddaughter [also a step - but hey, who cares??] Bonus!!

I think you are right - we are here for another reason - after all, everyone is here for something right? Right! And have you ever noticed that kids love us to bits - simply because we aren't 'Mum's'?? Gotta be a bonus babe...we have to make the most of everything - so, no nappy changing? good! loads of kisses and hugs every time we see a niece etc? better!

we are lucky - we see more clearly.

Theresa said...

On the funny side of a serious note. I see that all my friends that have children have tons of gray hair, and they are our age. Another bonus, less gray!

On the serious side, you are truly a beautiful person! So many of us know what it is to feel these feelings and to come to terms with them.

By the way, picture is beautiful.
It shows a fighter, with a big heart,strong feelings and a big heart.
It is to bad more women cant be more like you.

Kia Taylor said...

We are so lucky, our appreciation for life is something that not many people have experienced...we all have a purpose and our life is what we make it. I too am thankful that I get to experience true, unconditional love...I have a lot of friends who have yet to find that happiness...

Shopping Kharma said...

Thank you all! You know Kia, I read one of your posts on your best friend becoming pregnant and Congradulations to your friend. I'm not a sour person at all and I am always thrilled to hear of new parents. I'm so happy for them as they are blessed.

There is a reason for everything and I get to enjoy loving life despite this cancer. Life is much more than just your dreams; its also your experiences.

I too hate for others to feel uncomfortable sharing good news with me. I would much rather hear great news like that than awful news in the News!) I love hearing excitement so please, please share it with me! Am I right or am I right?

Shopping Kharma said...

Kia - and others:

Here is the link to Kia's blog post about good news!

Yes we want to hear Good News! our life should be about the Good News!)

Unknown said...

ahhh girlie whatta lovely post!~ well you know me I don't have kids either.. wish I did ..but my now recent ex-decided to change our plans..

I know we must be appreciative of things in our life, but It's difficult sometimes especially when you have already had a hard/traumatic life..

The one Blessing tho is "My Job"
since I can relate with so many beautiful wonderful people..

I ask God, why all the time..wink

I pray forever and a day and I know as humans being spiritually fulfilled is a definate need~

and just like me you are a beautiful person ..tooo!!!
Big hugs~

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My techniques and treatments work simply for me and may not produce the same results for others. Cancer is a very tricky disease in which it is very different in everyone it touches. No two cancers are the same just as we humans are not the same. What works for me may not work for others.

I love life and expect to live for as long as I can. I intend to use those treatments that do work for me which includes medicinal cannabis. I'm still alive with this disease over 7 years later because of this miracle plant and as long as I have my medicine available; I intend to survive many more years. I hope one day the Federal Government will eventually grow up and be led by true leaders who represent the people and not just coorporations; real people who live by the Golden Rule "treat others how you would want to be treated". I also hope the Government of the US can finally learn to admit that it has made a mortal mistake in making this life saving plant which is provided by GOD and does indeed have the ability to provide all of us with food, fuel, clothing, shelter, and medicine; a mistake that have made is that it is illegal. Yes, it was a mistake out of greed, ignorance, and racism that this miracle plant is illegal. This is a confirmed fact and we should all know and face it.

Cannabis is not at all harmful and in fact quite the opposite. Perhaps our economy can once again grow as it has in the turn of the century by making this life saving plant legal once again.

The contents of this blog including all images, (except images from third parties) and the name "Shopping Kharma - what comes around goes around" belong and copyrighted to C. Jayne Armstrong 2008-2010
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