The Anxiety of a 1st day back at work....

Monday night I took one of my chemo pills and tried to go to sleep at around 10pm so that I could get a good night's rest prior to my first day back to work. I knew that I was having some insomnia so I took an Ativan to calm my anxiety and to get some sleep. I still rolled around in bed all night long and even managed to keep my husband awake all night as well. I kept waking up to go to the bathroom at least 20-30 times throughout the night. I think I must have seen each hour of the night flash before me as I awoke each time looking right at the alarm clock and the countdown before it was to go off at 5:45am.

Finally it was that time, so I awoke very sleepily and got into the shower. After I took my shower, it was just like any of other day of getting ready for work, picking out what to wear, brushing teeth, make-up, walking Blue Belle, and then off to work, or so I thought. I did notice that I was feeling very nauseated and I could also feel a slight bowel obstruction. It was painful, but I tried my best just to ignore the pain and continue to my carpool meet-up spot. I kept thinking the pain will subside once I get to work. I honestly did not feel like going to work being as tired as I was and in this much pain; it actually felt miserable to consider going to work like this.

It has been 3 and half months since I had been to work and knowing that I would be greeted and asked about my state of being (which I sure wasn't feeling very good). I sat in my car waiting and feeling intense anxiety over the pain and nausea I was feeling; how good it would feel to be in my bed right now.

Finally my carpool buddies arrived and were ready to go. I greeted one of them with a hug as she could tell I was not looking so good. I struggled not to cry and feeling very frustrated with my state of being. I got into the front seat and sat for a few moments as both asked me how I was feeling. I felt the need to be completely honest and to not push myself too much. I told both of them that I'm not feeling as good as I had hoped. They drove over to my car and I apologized as they told, "stay home today and just get some rest". They both wished me well as I went home to call my boss and to email HR.

I then climbed into bed and layed there relieved that I wouldn't be at work in so much pain. My husband had just left for work so I decided I needed to get some things to make me feel much better so that I could at least go to work tomorrow. I walked over to the Drug Store (I live in such a convenient location!) to get a whole box of enemas, sleeping pills and 2 Cards for my husband (an anniversary for tomorrow, and a birthday card). Since I had a mild abdominal blockage it was time to do the Rotor-ooter treatment part of getting better.

When I got home from the drug store, I checked my email and noticed an email from HR that seemed rather cold given my situation, but it was understandable. I needed to get a note from my doctor as to why I am not returning back to work today. I called my doctor and left a message for him that I am experiencing an abdominal blockage today and would need a note to return to work tomorrow. I kept thinking, I should have just ignored the pain and gone to work. I kept worrying about work and hoping that I don't have to go through this each time I am sick (have to produce a doctor's note). I could easily with my situation as my doctors do stand strong behind me each time I would end up sick and unable to go to work.

Getting a doctor's note can be a challenge when having to go to the hospital to actually get the note; there's dealing with the horrible traffic, then there's finding a parking spot (it can take as much as 20-25 minutes to find a spot), then you have to walk into a crowded business office, pick a number first, then go to the bathroom if needed (it just takes about 30-45 minutes of waiting). The cool thing is, there usually is a note on file after I have made my phone calls and if not, I just have to go up to the fourth floor and wait in line to see my doctor.

Anyway, back to being home and taking good care of myself for the following day of going back to work. I was able to take my sleeping pill and get some good rest. I woke up around 1pm, did another enema, took a nice hot bath, and then tried to leave another message for my doctor about the note.

My husband came home early (2pm) and napped with me some as he struggled to get the rest he needed so that he could go see AC/DC with some of his friends later on in the evening. He wanted me to go initially but I needed to rest and focus on getting back to work. I knew how much he loved this band and told him he should go. He would be taking tomorrow (out 6 year wedding anniversary off). He left around 4:30ish to go meet his friends and I had a nice peaceful evening with Blue Belle.