Ovarian Cancer Awareness Month...

  According to the CDC,  "Among women in the United States, ovarian cancer is the eighth most common cancer and the fifth leading cause of cancer death, after lung and bronchus, breast, colorectal, and pancreatic cancers.  Ovarian cancer causes more deaths than any other cancer of the female reproductive system.  Ovarian cancer incidence (new cases) and mortality (deaths) rates are higher among Caucasian women than for women of any other racial group."

In 2006,*

• 19,994 women in the U.S. learned they had ovarian cancer, and 14,857 women died from the disease.
• It is estimated that more than $2.2 billion† is spent on the treatment of ovarian cancer per year in the U.S.

 This month there are many walks going on all over the world in order to raise money for awareness and or treatments for many patients who may not be able to afford treatments.   Here's to a cure in this lifetime!)  So many thousands of women are diagnosed too late as I was.  When this disease is in its advanced stages; it is a killer and it doesn't even have to be.  I would love for 2010 to be the year we find a cure; if not next year. 


Well this happens to be one of those days where I'm not feeling all that great and it's a reminder of how serious this disease is.  My tummy feels all cut up and I bet it's from the radiation treatments I had in July.  Wow! Still suffering from those and the radiation burns are now moving up my body.  The area that wasn't so pleasant has healed but now my tummy is red, burned, and parts of it pealing a bubbling like a horrible sun burn.  It's pretty uncomfortable. 

As for it being rough myself; we are facing another ER run and I'm fighting it with all my might.  Last night my honey tried changing my gastric tube dressing and for some reason the hole where the tube sticks out is pinching like a MF.  With just the slightest touch; I'm screaming and crying in pain because it literally feels as if my flesh is being pulled off the bone and right there on my tummy where it feels even more vulnerable.  All he is doing is cleaning the area very lightly and barely touching the area; but for me it feels horrid (as if the tube is being pulled out).   I'm also puking up a storm and the tube seems to be getting blocked with food so that in turn is making me so sick that I'm having trouble breathing normally.  If I try to get up, I feel horrible pressure on my abdomen; like the tube is being pulled out.  I wonder if my tummy hole is infected?  My husband feels horrible as he tries hard to  change the dressing and clean the area as best he can, I can't even find a comfy way to lie there so that he can do this more easily.  I feel so guilty that I can't even take this pain like a man would but I can't; it is just way to painful to even comprehend.  I can't believe it.  My breathing becomes more labored (uncontrollably) as I scare the living shit out of my husband.  He is very worried about me and this causes so much unneeded stress on his system.  I wish at this point that I could take it all away and my frustration only leads me to crying more tears.  Maybe I could learn to massage him better so that his stresses are gone, gone, gone! He has stress from work and even more added stress from my bullshit.   I wish so much I could control this much better and just pretend that I'm not in any kind of pain.   I wish the pain was not great; sometimes they are sharp piercing pains that take my breath away and all I can do is squeal. Why does this pain have to hurt so?  What did I do so wrong that I have to be in such horrible horrible pain?

We need a vacation so badly and his extended leave from work involved no type of relaxation; it was all about me healing from more surgeries and/ or preparing for the end of my life.   Well the doctor did say that I had less than six months to live so my husband felt that he would like to spend those last six months with me.  Well I have survived that and much longer than expected.  I keep surprising those doctors; so now I'm just a walking medical experiment.   It's so amazing that I'm still alive and that I keep waking up despite all odds.  I don't even know what's in my body or what my body can handle.

I do hope one day I will be able ride a horse despite all of my problems in my tummy.   Horses are such amazing animals; they are prey animals and depend on the rider for security and leadership.  Well here is a youngster who deserves a second chance.  This is Big Mac who happens to be another blue eyed beauty and an appaloosa.  He was born on July 17th, 2009; so he's a little over a year old.  He is 1/2 thoroughbred with a mixture of Shire, Percheron, Appaloosa, and Paint.  He was born at the Animali Farm and his adoption fee will many many foals like himself.  $3000 for this little boy who is going to be a big boy when he grows up. They have another one named Charlie who is a few months older and was born in May 2009; he is a bay Draft Cross and he only $500.

Here is Charlie doing a full gallop!)  Oh how I love horses and could have all of these wonderful horses who deserve nothing more than a second chance in a good home!  It sucks that my townhouse just won't do; but for now I have visit with my friends who are kind enough to have horses for me to visit with.  I have to have my horse therapy every once in a while.  Their smell and their presence does something for me that dogs and cats are unable to.  My honey is promising me some horse therapy this weekend!) Let's hope we can do just that; my health is so crazy we never know day to day if I can do certain things.  This is something I really feel I have to do; pet and /or brush a gorgeous horse and he has friends who happen to have gorgeous horses!  Oh I can't wait!)


It's hard to believe that labor day is just around the corner and I sure hope that all of us are able to enjoy this weekend!  Peace and Love to all of you!