WARNING: Some of the Content here may be Objectionable to some. I have this blog labeled as "Adult Only" as a common courtesy for those who may easily be offended by Adult topics such as the Truth, Down to Earth topics, realities of living with Ovarian Cancer and/or any life threatening disease that goes along with it; Sexuality, Medicinal Cannabis, Profanity, and of course plenty of unpleasant body functions are also discussed here. This is a very tough battle for which I don't intend to hold anything back on what I am facing.

This blog is very personal and comes from the heart of a real fighting cancer patient who wishes nothing more than to live for all of those I love my own will to live, and my love of life. While sometimes I might be on heavy medication (prescribed by my doctor) and occasionally I might write about things or subjects that one may never even think about or consider; so please consider that as well. Yes; whacked out things might even be found here; but I mean everything in all good intentions.

This blog is not at all intended for the faint hearted, those who lack a sense of humor, have no idea what down to earth means, greedy mean people, and/or those who don't know how to share the world with others, and especially those who are unable to easily put themselves into the shoes of others. This blog is mostly about my journey of living my life in the best ways that I can under the Golden Rule and appreciating all of the GOOD KHARMA that comes my way! Never take anything in this world for granted; especially family and friends!

Sunday, September 12, 2010

Decrease my intake...when will it work?

Decreasing my imput is what my doctor is telling me to do and he is on call this weekend in case we need to go in which is a relief.  These past couple of days have been incredibly painful  and trying for me as I continue my efforts to avoid going into the ER.  I'm so scared that I won't come home alive and that this could be my time.  I sure hope not.  True, none of us know and by me being so scared it's not helping me in any way.  I want so bad to survive this horrible curse as long as possible because of all the great things in my life; most of all my husband.  Sometimes I even feel guilty for it seems that I'm just stringing him along  this horrible journey of mine and that he indeed deserves  so much better than this.  I love him with all of my heart and soul and  I hate more than anything seeing him suffer seeing me like this and in the pain that I am suffering.  It's sometimes too much!

Last night was the most trying night of all and while  I did make it through the night sleeping on the couch;   I had to leave my G-Tube open all night so that my stomach contents could constantly drain. or else wake up from time to time feeling like I was having the most horrid heart burn/ attack ever; just like my heart is being being squished beyond recognition; like a car is running over my heart.   It is horrific pain.   I'm not so sure I like having to do all this shit to stay alive but I just do what I need to do everyday.  I'm surviving artificially right now and my husband and I have been talking seriously about taking me off TPN because it seems its doing me more harm than good.  It doesn't seem like healthy conversation to most but what am I to do?  I have to think about the future and if I will make it? 

I'm puking all the time it seems and constantly having to drain my stomach.  I can't even go on a short walk with my dog without puking somewhere in the bushes.  This time when I puke it's horrible pain on my tummy and my heart.  It almost feels as if I am having a heart attack each time and I cry and hold my knees  and bang on my chest to try to ease the pain.  So far the vaporizer is working at least for a little while; the Dilaudid is like eating sugar; it's doing nothing for this pain.  My mouth seems to have to stay dry because even if I have just a sip of water;  if I do, I get sick.  Something is seriously wrong with me and we may be heading into the hospital today.  This is just an update for many.  As I was typing; my husband had just replaced my medical waste bag and this little clown was around to make me smile even though its very hard at this point being so scared for my life right now.



I took Blue Belle outside to play with one her little doggie friends and I sat out in the sun for a bit to absorb some vitamin D.  I hope to feel better as this day progresses. 

I promise to fight as hard as I can but I don't know what's around the corner for me or if anything can be done to ease my suffering.  Peace and Love to all of you!  I hope one day there will be a cure for this dreadful disease and that NO ONE has  to suffer as I do.  I don't mind the suffering too much;  if is more than worth it to be around for my honey.  I feel that I'm too young and still too strong to let go just yet!)  For now I'm going to fight as hard as I can to be around and give others hope that they too can survive this disease despite setbacks.  The human body can be very resiliant and I will face what I have to face what ever happens to me.  I'm ready still!)

More updates to come!)

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12 comments:

Dodie said...

Please know that I am thinking about you and praying for you all the time.
You are a strong woman and I admire your courage a lot.
Take care & Keep up the fight!

Chrissie said...

I am praying too. God knows there are so many of us all around the world, all thinking of you and praying for you, that your pain will ease, that you'll stop being so awfully sick.
God bless,
Chrissie

BJ said...

Damn, Jayne - I feel so bad that you have been going through so much pain and discomfort. I wish there was something I could do to get you healthy again! I pray for your health to return every day. Your heartburn sounds like gallbladder issues which I've had quite a few times, very painful. I read the link to the TPN that you have. It sounds like it's a damned if you do and damned if you don't, type of situation. Be very careful of sepsis, make sure anyone and everyone that comes near you washes their hands, thoroughly, okay?

Thanks for sharing the video of your boy, Tonto! He makes me smile too!

Here's to you getting your health back... soon!

Love ya, kiddo!
BJ

coffeemaiden said...

Oh, Jayne. I'm so sorry about your pain. You're so lucky to have your honey, but I'd bet he feels lucky to have you. You are amazing. I enjoyed your video of your bike ride. Blue Belle is such a beauty and looks so soft.
Just remember you are in my prayers and thoughts. You go through my mind multiple times each day and I worry about how you're doing. Love ya, Deb

Anonymous said...

jayne, we are praying for you!! lots of love and hugs to all of you!
~amy

Aroma Fields said...

You are so strong, Jayne! I wish you didn't have to go through this pain and suffering. I just know you'll keep fighting because you truly have so much love around you...and so much love to give. Tonto's video is adorable! I hope tomorrow is a better day for you.

Marilyn

Anonymous said...

Hello! I am writing to you all the way from a small country near Australua called New Zealand ( where Lord of the rings was filmed). I have been following your journey for only a couple of months and it has helped me heaps. My beautiful mum is 53 years old and in the last stages of her battle with OC. She was diagnosed 2.5 years ago stage 4C terminal ovarian cancer. She had surgery which included removing her entire large bowel and her ovaries were so enlarged with tumors they filled her abdomen. She ended with an illeostomy bag ( permanent). Blood transfusions etc it was horrific and a huge shock. It just roves how insidious this disease is . My mum was a nurse and midwife and even she missed the signs. After spending the last 2 months in hospital because of bowel obstruction after bowel obstruction the decision was finally made to move from active treatment to symptom control and palliative care at home. It was very scary for her and us. She felt she was being sent home to die. No more chemotherapy no more blood transfusions, iv fluids and magnesium etc etc just a sub cut pump to provide meds for symptom relief. Since being home for a week she seems to be in much happier than she was in hospital and it has been liberating for her to be free if all the "stuff" that comes with being a OC patient in the treatment phase. I am sorry if I have rambled on a bit! Reading about your journey has helped with the journey I am on with my family at the moment.I want to sat thank you for sharing such a personal battle
with us and I'm praying fir you and your fantastic hubby!

Bye from New Zealand

Tan. Stay at home mum in New Zealand.

Anonymous said...

Jayne,

Love, love, love!

Thinking of you and yours.

Love
Karen (in sac)

Kia Taylor said...

I am in awe with you. Although our disease is the same, our journey is different. My prayer is that you find peace and comfort where-ever you can. My prayer is that you have many, many, many more days to enjoy your beautiful husband. My prayer is that you will continue to be the source of strength and inspiration for so many people.

Blessings...

Janell said...

I hate to even think of the pain you must be in and the awful uncertainty. We are thinking of you. You are in our hearts.

Ellen said...

There are angels that we meet and angels all around us - the ones we're unaware of. Sometimes, we look back in life and recognize who they are, have been and yet to come. You have been and are an angel that we who travel this unfortunate common bond of OVC have been priveleged to meet and you are one heck of a great angel! Your hubby is your angel as you are and will be his too....this is forever. I pray that you are having some good pain free moments and that you know how much you are cared for and uplifted in prayer..((♥))North Carolina Ellen

Mischa said...

We love you, Jayne. Thinking of you, sending curing energies your way.

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Disclosure

My techniques and treatments work simply for me and may not produce the same results for others. Cancer is a very tricky disease in which it is very different in everyone it touches. No two cancers are the same just as we humans are not the same. What works for me may not work for others.

I love life and expect to live for as long as I can. I intend to use those treatments that do work for me which includes medicinal cannabis. I'm still alive with this disease over 7 years later because of this miracle plant and as long as I have my medicine available; I intend to survive many more years. I hope one day the Federal Government will eventually grow up and be led by true leaders who represent the people and not just coorporations; real people who live by the Golden Rule "treat others how you would want to be treated". I also hope the Government of the US can finally learn to admit that it has made a mortal mistake in making this life saving plant which is provided by GOD and does indeed have the ability to provide all of us with food, fuel, clothing, shelter, and medicine; a mistake that have made is that it is illegal. Yes, it was a mistake out of greed, ignorance, and racism that this miracle plant is illegal. This is a confirmed fact and we should all know and face it.

Cannabis is not at all harmful and in fact quite the opposite. Perhaps our economy can once again grow as it has in the turn of the century by making this life saving plant legal once again.

The contents of this blog including all images, (except images from third parties) and the name "Shopping Kharma - what comes around goes around" belong and copyrighted to C. Jayne Armstrong 2008-2010
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