Cabin Fever! and a great Christmas!

Well I did end up cooking an excellent meal with my honey on Christmas day. We woke up at 9am and started our day. My honey woke up and flushed my lines and then I went over to the store to walk Blue Belle and get last minute things. It was stressful at first; had to walk over to Rite-Aid since it was the only store next to Blockbuster Video that was still open. (Safeway was closed!) Everything looked so barren but it was nice to be able to shop with Blue Belle and to be listening to Willie Nelson Christmas songs as I shopped for the last few things that we weren't able to get at Whole Foods yesterday. I had to make do with some things and get some things that were not organic but my goal was to make the best meal ever and it was close. I got started at around 10:30 and finished cooking by 2ish. I had everything all set up and beautiful and my honey delivered the most beautiful prayer that brought tears to my eyes. "Thank you God for this meal and thank you for sparing the love of my life!" How blessed we feel that I made it this far!  There were so many times this year where we actually doubted that I would live to see Christmas; well now it's officially going to be my 40th Birthday!)

We ate the whole day; just a little at a time through out the day (the way that I am supposed to eat) and my honey even had to flush my lines 3 times; hook me up to the IV fluid for 3 hours and I had to decompress my tummy too (hook the gastro tube to the disgusting puke bag a few times). We opened our gifts after we got our fill the first time (almost forgot about opening them this year= 1st time ever), but everything we got from each other was very special.   This year just being alive for Christmas was enough of a gift for each of us.  What a rough, rough year this has been for both of us.   This year has been full of uncertainty and of course making the most out of each day that we have been given!)

I have thinking that it would be cool if my life were  one of those lives that could change health care and that health care for all could mean that medicine would be more about saving lives rather than thickening pockets and poisoning patients; preventative health care and using techniques for chronic health problems that would strengthen immune systems for fighting those chronic illnesses such as cancer, heart disease, diabetes, etc rather than having to take disastrous and often poisonous chemotherapy treatments that often kill patients much faster than the cancer ever could; thinking more about the long term side effects of these drugs that have often not even proven to be effective for treatments of many illnesses.; hell I have taken enough of them to know.  OK I did get ahead of myself here but I really do feel that after having gone through this whole journey and feeling like my doctor might just be giving up on me; that we really do need to find cures rather than utilizing these dangerous treatments.  I still feel that my life is worth saving and that I still have hope in beating this monster inside me.   I'm not loosing that or giving up!  I'm too young and I have so much to live for!

There really are patients that have been cured of their late stage cancers with Natural Treatments and we need to research what is less disastrous on the patient and what really works and makes sense.  To me it  just does't make any sense that you can actually kill cancer with poison; it's not a mouse; it is cells that are growing out of control and the body just needs the fuels and antibodies to be able to kill and to  recognize those disastrous cells so that it can rid the body of those cells.  I feel like I am the poster child of failed cancer treatments.  The only cancer treatment that had any promise for me was an accident that put me in remission for over 3 years (Peritonitis).  Avastin was a great drug and it was only temporary that it would shrink those tumors and eventually cause my body havoc but it did nothing to make my body stronger in order to fight the cancer.

What if it is true that Cancer could be cured by getting the body to the correct Ph levels or hormonal and chemical levels? More research needs to be done on Natural Therapies because I feel strongly that they hold true promise of success.   If only Researchers and Doctors could more easily place themselves in to the shoes of what Cancer Patients must endure or these CEOs for Pharmaceutical Companies; if they could only care more about the patients and finding a real cure rather than treating the disease they could cure a disease?  I only hope that this world will become more caring and that health care will be provided for all hard working Americans and that no one should be afraid of loosing thier homes or everything they own in order to save their life.  I strongly feel that if there really is a GOD; he is probably rolling his eyes in disbelief at Congress and lawmakers and the likes  of what is going on here; we really should take care of the sick and dying; not stress them out further or their families? 

OK to get back to my wonderful Christmas and to steer myself away from Politics and Religion I will tell you about one of the best Christmas's I have ever had.  I think the best Christmas I ever had was in 2000 when my younger brother came out to visit and our good friend Tim had let us use his wonderful big kitchen (he had to go out of town and insisted on us using his place) instead of using our tiny little  kitchen in our 460 square ft apartment that we had lived in at the time. Yes, we had lived in a very tiny little apartment for a little over 4 years and we didn't kill each other; only loved each other more and more (so what does that say about us?).   It was in Mountain View, CA and there was so much fun all around us to do.  The tiny apartment was the least of our concerns; our love was so strong and still is.  The kitchen in that old apartment was literally as small or smaller than my downstairs bathroom.!  Well, everything had turned out perfect that Christmas (I was such a great cook that year- I think I had even caused everyone that year to gain at least 10 lbs and I could sure use that now!) and I will never ever forget that  first Christmas after I had been diagnosed;  my honey bought my mom a plane ticket to visit me when I first got diagnosed. My hair was just falling out at the time and my mom had never flown ever before.   She got off the plane and panicked and froze.  I had to go get her and my immune system was highly compromised; but I made it through and found her I think about 2 and half hours after she had landed.  I thought she had gotten lost in St. Louis and it was so scary trying to find her in that airport.  It turned out to be such a wonderful Christmas and my honey did every thing in his power to make it that way.   Those were the best Christmas's ever as a married woman; actually every Christmas I have ever had with my honey has been great. I can't complain about any one of them.  He makes everyday worth living!)

The day after Christmas I slept most of the day away; I think I must have over exerted myself because I had no energy to get out of bed.  I was still in bed past 4pm and it worried my honey; he almost wanted to take me into emergency.  He waited on me hand and foot yesterday; flushing my lines, connecting me to the gastro baggy thing a few times when I was hurting; trying to get me to eat and to drink plenty of fluids, getting me pain medication and recording it all in my spreadsheets, and hooking me up  and disconnecting me from the IV (he had to do this everyday).   What a busy, lovely man he is!  I felt so guilty and depressed for wasting away a good Saturday but it had rained all day and I was super depressed because I would have rather been up in Tahoe enjoying a few good runs down the mountains just a few good times; only I don't have the energy to do so.  I hope to be able to soon.  He did get me out of my funk and I had a much better day today.  We both didn't sleep well last night and mostly cuddled and tossed and turned throughout the whole night.

I got up early and researched making him Biscuits and Gravy.  I made him an ultra special breakfast right before he left to go watch the Packers kick butt.  I was happy when he returned after the game to tell me that he bragged about his special breakfast that I had made him.  Oh and the Sharks kicked Anaheim butt last night 5-2!  I love when my honey is happy when his teams kick butt!

OK I still haven't had the heart to take down Tonto's tree; he loves it so much and he still just sits up there and relishes all the lights, the pretty decorations, and how pretty it must look being up at the top of his pretty tree.  It may just have to be after the New Year when I take those decorations down.  Sorry Tonto!
 
I hope he brings you all smiles as  much as he does bring laughter to our house.  He is the clown of all cats and can heard galloping around  our home more often since the addition of  Christmas lights and  the empty boxes (he loves to play in them) from all kinds of gifts but he does get rather loud when he gets into a full blown romp.  We just don't have the heart to get rid of all these toys and lights because he has been cooped up in the house because of all the rain we have been getting these last couple of days and I like to keep the floor somewhat clean and free of the thousands and thousands of kitty cat prints from him playing in the puddles outside and then tracking all over my shiny floor inside.  He does get bummed when I have to keep him cooped up and has been getting more loud and demanding so the boxes and his tree have to stay until it dries up outside.  We have to keep the bored cat busy!

I have also been thinking that I will ask my doctor if I can return back to work in March rather than July as he had suggested or perhaps we can make some sort of a compromise.   I feel that's just too long for me to be out of work!  I have to be healed much faster than that I could only hope! That is over a year and half of being out of work and disabled.  This is where I am getting cabin fever; I miss everyone at work so bad and was really looking forward to returning in January and still am.  I really did hold on till the end to see if I could return in January but I am actually worse off than before so I do have more healing to do but hopefully I will be ready in March instead of July!(  We will see!

Peace and Love to all of you!

Merry Christmas to all of you!

Here is my Christmas Wish (at the bottom of this post) and may you all enjoy my wonderful little Catelope; although I do plan to juice plenty of cantaloupes this coming year because they are full of Vitamin A and C and are very good for me and fighting cancer! They are also very fattening and that's totally what I need for my scrawny little ass!)

Well this morning I awakened by what I thought was this website where I had ordered some very, very cool shirts for my honey and of course I called the company and my order "somehow" got lost in a pile of orders and will ship on Monday. Oh, well it's not the end of the world. Someone sent me a Christmas tree evidently feeling bad that I don't have a real Christmas tree and the truth of the matter is that we have literally no room for a real tree and I am absolutely in love with my decorated cat tree and won't have it any other way. I thought it might have been my dad and then my mom. She had gotten mad at my husband for not getting me a real tree. Well you know he tried and tried to get me a tree and I was adamant about not wanting a real tree. I wanted to create my own art on Tonto's Cat Tree.

I don't see anything wrong about my being economical and environmentally sound with decorating something I already have in my own house; besides that he absolutely loves it. He has been in the best mood ever and stays around in the house much longer sitting at the top of the tree just looking down at all of the decorations and such. from my what my brother had told me but it's just me being stubborn. Yes, I am very hard headed and when I want to do something; I get it done; and what I wanted to do was to do something very special for my kitty cat and decorate his beautiful home so that he could look out the window in style. It is the coolest and I have already gotten all kinds of compliments on it.

Well anyway, back to the tree that I got this morning; it is artificial and chances are; we could put it up for a few hours and then take it back down; but my husband does not feel we have any room in the garage or in our home for it. We have to send it back to Overstock.com. I wasn't able to even get a name for who had sent it. I feel so bad having to return it; but who ever sent it; I am deeply touched at the bottom of my heart for your kindness and thoughtfulness. Thank you so much; you made my day anyway that you were even thinking about me. I just would like your friendship and love for Christmas and most of all prayers that I will get through this. Those are the best gifts ever and then being able to see loved ones on this special day. We are planning a turkey dinner since I had missed out on Thanksgiving. Wow these holidays have really creaped up. I'm so amazed at how fast time goes by. OK back to the cute video and enough about the thoughtful sweet tree some sent me.

In this particular video; you will notice Tonto's cute little Catlers in this video for which YouTube wouldn't allow for me to upload because of the song!) Well what is really sad about YouTube and uploading our own videos is that the sound quality of these videos are very much compromised because of the size of the file required for uploading and it's usually quite garbled and if only Artists could share their music in that way; it would be a much cooler world. I mean how many people are going to sit at their computer and record the song off of one of these vidoes in order to listen to it on their iPod? If I were one of those artists and I saw my music being used for such a cool collage of photos; I would be tickled to death and of course very proud. Now this is a cute video; mind the quality isn't so great and neither is the sound. The sound quality does suck and I did purchase the song several times from iTunes and my own personal CD. I am not charging any of you for viewing or selling it in way shape, way or form and if I was; all world go to Charity. You might even want to purchase the ungarbled version of this song just for your own personal library? It is available on iTunes "Bells will be Ringing". Hope you all enjoy my gift to all of you compliments of the Eagles.

Here I am getting stronger and doing my Yoga! My honey took this photo and some others but most didn't turn out so good! He still has much to learn about my Nikon Coolpix P80! Well that bag there is my puke bag. It is the Gastric tube that was inserted inside me (technically that would have make it my 7th Abdominal surgery but it certainly wasn't a major surgery as the other 6 surgeries were. Nope that's 8, forgot about the failed abdominal Stint Surgery; also this year I have had 2 major surgeries and 2 failure small surgeries (to insert a stint in my stomach and the stint surgery in May to insert an internal Nephostomy stint, and then 3 successful small surgeries. (Stint surgery in June and one in December) 5 successful surgeries in all! It is simply a blessing to me that I am still alive and I feel as if I might be getting stronger. I'm walking more and more every day and becoming more and more independent. I did about 5 minutes on the Indo board tonight in addition to my Yoga stretches. Only 15 minutes of Yoga today (I kinda had a painful day today; just a small blockage and it is working it's way out).

We also had a small visit from a social worker from the hospital about extending my Disability. I'm thinking until March but my doctor wants to wait until July and I think that might be too long to wait. I know those at work won't mind me coming back with a gastro tube and I can make it work. I'm just so sick of staying home and feeling useless. I think the whole economy thing has got me thinking more and more about me being so incredibly blessed to still have an excellent job to come back to and great people that I happen to work with; all of whom I miss very much.

I also wanted to share something else for all of you. It's so incredibly inspiring and perfect for the Christmas Spirit. Christmas is not all about exchanging gifts and getting new things; it's also realizing those in your life that you feel you are blessed to be around or to know. Well I got this wonderful article and email from my father this evening that I would love to share with all of you. It's so wonderfully inspiring. Too bad this poor young woman never found another man who could live to see how beautiful she really is. She gave her heart to everyone and just sounds like the most beautiful woman ever. I would have loved to have met her and known her. I love people like this as there are just few like this around. I think they are absolute angels sent down to us in order to learn what it truly means to be selfless and to not be so selfish; to share yourself with others. Don't just sit there and expect to be a victim when you are faced with certain uncertainties or hardships. Suck it up and choose to have a good day because you truly do not know how many good days you may have. Sure I talk plenty about having good days and bad days with this cancer but in all reality; it's all good as long as I get to wake up next to my sweetie; or to see the sun shining inside my window. Hell I'm even happy with a little rain!)

http://www.americanthinker.com/2009/12/a_cracking_of_the_heart_by_dav.html

Here is the link to her beautiful Eulogy; I was in tears reading this because it totally reminds me of my relationship with my father. We can never agree on anything politically, but we love unconditionally.

May this Holiday season be full of miracles and this upcoming year will be the best year ever for all of us. Here’s to Peace on Earth and a Cure for all Cancers! Hope every one of you has a wonderful Christmas and a very healthy and happy New Year! With lots of love from me and my family!

The Sad things that happen around Christmas time....

Well one of my favorite young actresses has died yesterday; Britney Murphy. I have always been impressed with her acting skills and just knew that she would be amazing as she got older. She had a talent in her that was rare where she could go deeply into her character and to the point where it almost seemed real. There are many actresses who don't even know how to that. She was great! I think I was most impressed with her in the drug movie about Crystal Meth called "Spin".

I've never done any nose candy in my life but I have always been fascinated with those that do; it's probably my fascination with psychiatry that got me there. "Spin" was a very trippy movie that almost made you; the viewer feel that you were the one snorting and going through the trip of being spun, loosing all of your belongings and then being a looser. Being that I never have done any of that sort (does Chemo count?) but the movie in the way that it was filmed showed the actors doing a line and then the camera would film going up their nose in a weird way where you could see the insides of their body pumping and such; it was very strange and realistic movie that made you never ever want to try to destroy your life with such a drug.

She really was an amazing actress; even in the movie "Girl, Interupted" and the comedy "Uptown Girls". Oh she was also in the movie with Drew Barrymore "Riding in Cars with Boys"; now that was a feel good movie that I had watched on DVD right after I was diagnosed but it really brought back to those old memories of my childhood friends and it just made me feel good; it took me to a whole new level; those are the kinds of movies I love to watch when I am feeling depressed. They are good at getting me out of my own reality if only for 2 hours. She's done dozens of movies, some flops but in all I feel she did a great performance in most and that's just my opinion. She died at the very same age that I was diagnosed and that breaks my heart. What a life this young woman had a head of her. My heart goes out to her family and friends.

Well despite loosing young great actresses; I have been having some very good days with my health lately; being able to go outside and ride my bike, cleaning the house, and even decorating my cat tree. It has the be the most beautiful tree ever and Tonto knows it! He loves it! He thinks we are talking about him when we look at the tree in admiration and talk about how beautiful it is as he just hams it up all the way with a stretch and winking his eyes at us!

I even rode my bike to Kohls 2 days in a row with Miss Blue Belle. The first day I rode alone and got my honey some Christmas shopping done; just getting him the basics of what most house wives do for their husbands; good jeans, socks, and underwear. Well 2 packs of the underwear had some packing tape holding them shut and most men; particularly my man won't wear used underwear or put his dudes in where another dude has done the same. Well I rode with my neighbor over there to return the used underwear and exchanged for new. Me and Blue Belle tend to do better riding alone most of the time because I am always worried about her getting hurt when someone else is riding with us. My neighbor was extremely careful but I couldn't decide if I wanted to ride in front of or behind because Blue Belle wanted to either follow her or look back at her and would get herself in danger pretty quick. I think she will learn her lesson eventually but it will take some pain on her part in order to learn; just like us.

She already got cracked by a pole yesterday. She was watching my neighbor and wanted to run and catch up with her that she didn't pay attention to a parking sign and he leashed got her caught between the sign and me. It didn't hurt her but it did scare her. Maybe she learned her lesson this time. It's the first it's ever happened. She does great we are alone; but I hate not taking her with me when stores are that crowded. I still needed for her to be by my side since I was having some severe abdominal pains and she was able to calm me instantly from those bouts with pain. We stood in 2 very long lines and each time everyone in line wanted to pet her and talk about her and about their dogs and the line just didn't seem so long after all; she does this each and every time; which is why I love taking her shopping during this busy holiday season.

The pains that I was feeling in my abdomen had been the result of one minor block yesterday caused some major blowouts which lasted through out the night (I think I had ODed on the Senna, Stool Softener P-Col-Rite with Docusate Sodium, and the Colace). Sorry about that but I am stoked that I did get to go. This keeps me out of the hospital (being able to go poo).

I have also had to use my bag of puke a few times too (Gastric tube) drain out pressure that builds up in my abdomen like gas (it can get quite painful as if getting kicked really hard in the stomach). Using the Gastric Tube and Bag is the same effect as using an NG tube only the tube is already in my stomach. I know it sounds creepy; but at least I am still alive! Tubes or no tubes; I'm so thankful to be alive. So what do I do when I am hooked up to that nasty puke bag? I spent most of the evening yesterday writing out cards for many of my neighbors and co-workers, I decorated Tonto's tree even further and he loves it, did some laundry and even burned more Christmas DVDs for my friends and family.

Well now Tonto has so many toys to bat at and the strings that hang off the tree are the best! He gets spun sometimes where he jumps off the tree and at full gallop can turn on a dime. I was running downstairs to get the phone and he had heard the phone too so he knew that I would soon be around to answer it so he galloped at full force from outside; in through the doggie door and into the living room; he missed my shins by mere centimeters. I could not believe he has power brakes inside his body!). He stopped on dime and then turned his body on that same dime continued up the stairs; it was amazing to see.

Here are a bunch more photos of my tree and my stairs!) Hope you all enjoy! It's kind of hard to get a good photo of our Kitty Christmas tree but I hope you all love it; it was made with love with lights that were made in China. (how that bugs me). I wish more jobs were out here and we didn't need all of this junk from China. Hopefully one day things will be fair and others will think twice about how they treat others or be faced with being treated the same way. Here's to greedy people finally getting a heart and a clue on how to treat others; learning how to share and to be nice to those who are less fortunate than themselves.

Here is nice little photo of Blue Belle wearing her antlers and getting ready to go with me to drop off Christmas Cards with my neighbors. She looked so adorable and she is wearing my old Santa skirt that I used to wear for my honey around the house; it doesn't fit her all that much; but pretty much anything looks good on her. One of my neighbors even bought her a Snuggie for Christmas which she feels is an insult. It covers too much of her pretty fur; she grew all that fur for a reason so why cover it up with a Snuggie in San Jose, Ca?

Peace and Love to all and may this be the best Christmas for everyone reading this blog. May 2010 be the year that Health Care is finally turned around for the people, by the people and not for and by the Greedy Health Insurance or Pharmaceutical companies that lobby to keep natural products or cures that have real hope of curing out of the hands of patients who have a chance of saving their lives. Do what feels right in your heart and soul!) Peace and Love to all! Always be happy for what you already have!

Merry Christmas to all of you! A friend of mine sent me this touching video which does prove that dogs also have their own drives to do things.

A Whole Week out of the hospital...

I have been out riding my bike a few times and the Christmas spirit is definitely in my neighborhood as I had to take a photo of those home that me and Blue Belle passed on my gorgeous bike ride. I sure felt great when I returned; nothing like some good old exercise. The neighborhoods around my house making evening walks with my honey so incredibly relaxing and romantic.

I'm not going to lie but the first part of this week has been kind of depressing. I didn't quite understand how these contraptions on me were going to work (picc line with fluids, gastric tube and having to decompress) or how they would keep me out of the ER. That's what the doctors are hoping at this point; they want to keep me as comfortable as possible so that my quality of life isn't sacrificed for extreme pain. the type of pain that I suffer from would be cruel and unusual to have to live with and the most humane thing to do at this point is to make sure that I am comfortable.

We have such a nice nurse who comes about 3-4 times a week to help change dressings, tubes, flush lines, draw blood when needed and just help my honey out when needed. I also address any problems I have with her and she usually contacts my doctor right away; like this thing I had with the shakes and then now I have this painful burning and itching on the palms of my hands and bottoms of my feet. It hurts like hell to wash my hands in very hot water. If you look closely; you can kind of see some tiny blisters but boy does it itch. I have been taking Benedryl in order to stop the itching.

It seems I have been such high maintenance for my honey that I actually felt that I wasn't worth him having to take care of me each and every day. It has been completely stressful for him too and lots of tears have been shed this week by both of us. He hates to see me cry and the most I try not to cry in front of him; the more that I cry. It sucks and it's frustrating. I don't know if it's because of Christmas (we don't have a lot of money to shop). I just want to be alive and to be healthy and he wants the same. That's all we want for Christmas; health and life and each other. Is that too much to ask for?

My honey told me that we could get a tree and decorate it but I have been really hesitate about doing so because we only have a few more days until Christmas. Why can't we just decorate the cat tree in the window and our front porch with lights and be done? We wouldn't have to throw away the nice little tree and Tonto wouldn't be so destructive as he was a little over 2 years ago.

We didn't have a tree last year (we got to enjoy a fresh nice new storm) and this might very well be my last Christmas ever; I would be happy just decorating our home for the event and doing it cheaply since our money situation is going down. We need to save and I have to apply for Social Security Disability; something I have never done before. I have always been one to work my ass off for everything I have ever owned. I feel guilty that I can not yet return to work as I had planned. I have been off work for like ever and it's time that I return but I'm not ready yet?

I have this stomach tube that sometimes I have to hook a bag too in order to get rid of pain and my lunch sometimes. It's so weird and freaky to be puking out of a tube in my stomach. I bet it would freak everyone out and how skinny I am; barely 100lbs. I am weak and my concentration is a bit off since I am so darned scared of death. I wonder if others would feel that same as me if they were in my situation or am I just a weak person? That can not be sexy for my honey but somehow he is still attracted to me. He still gets hit on and is still convinced that I am the only woman for him. I can't help but feel he can do much better and hate that he has to help me live. I don't want to say help me die because in all reality the doctors are more and more showing me that's what we are doing here. I'm enjoying each and every day that I am given and who knows; I could stumble upon the cure for cancer and will certainly keep looking for it. I have to keep on living for my honey.

Well I decorated Tonto's tree instead of buying us a tree; I felt let's just be creative and Tonto loves it. He feels so special that his home lights up so pretty and in turn it makes him feel pretty with all the lights flashing off of him. People walk by and they see that brightly lit kitty and they have to stop and check him out. Tomorrow I plan to get some more lights for the front patio and more for his kitty tree. We don't need a tree; we have a Rosemary tree a friend of mine gave me while in the hospital and another tiny tree my neighbor gave me.

No need to pay $30 for a tree that we will like throw away in less than a week. I would love to be able to bake a turkey and ham and the whole works we missed out on Thanksgiving; pumpkin pie and everything, Rutabagas and so much more. May I not be in the hospital anytime soon! I did get to order some gifts for my honey and have sent out most of the Christmas DVDs; just a few more to send out and I'm done!

My pain level has gotten somewhat under control. On Tuesday; I started having this this horrible shaking in my hands; similar to what I was experiencing in the ER where I couldn't control my body. It was so frustrating and it scared my honey to death. It was a side effect of the liquid Dilaudid that I am currently on. I have to take more Ativan to counter act these spams. For now; my doctor wants to control my pain and just give me comfort and quality of life. It doesn't make sense for me to suffer in pain. Well here's to all of us getting our Christmas wishes to come true. Peace & Love to all of you!

1st Full Day out of the Hospital...

I hope this will finally keep me out of the hospital (Gastric Tube and new stint for right ureter). I was told that my tummy should heal in about 2 months average by my doctor and I should be able to lead a normal life. This is the absolute craziest thing I have been asked to get used to and you tell me how you would do it? It almost looks like a funny looking penis depending on which direction the nurse tries to position the end!(

The week that I was out of the hospital (Nov. 29th Dec. 6th) was very painful because there was really no way to relieve pressure on my abdomen after eating. Most people are able to fart naturally; I can sometimes; but most of the time its in the hospital. In the hospital, they seem to seem to be able to manage that somehow and it's only been for like an evening at a time.

I was able to walk across the street today to go and get more Blank DVDs (for my home movies) and the stupid Drug store (Rite-Aid) had the dumbest way to line up cattle (we the shoppers). It kind of makes you not want to spend money and shop when you are treated that way. They have adopted the DMV mode of lining people up; at least at the pharmacy; you pick a number and go sit in a nice comfy chair and wait your number is called (no that's the lab!); you do have to wait in a super long line except at certain times. I kind of miss farting sometimes in line at the super market or at the drugstore. I couldn't today and this dirty dude was crowded up on me; if only I have my little anti-bacterial spray to spray him away from me but I didn't wear the right jacket; (I really need one of those in each of my jackets!) I couldn't fart so why not spray him? Where are these things when you need them?

That's kinda the way life is. You have to cease your moments; like when you will actually need that something at the right moment and to justify buying a gift for someone in that same way? When are they actually going to need what you buy them? Christmas shopping is so hard on a fixed budget; so most of my gifts will be home made (from the heart). It used to be so hard to just go out and to buy gifts for others but why not just give them the gift of memories you have created with them? That is one thing that cancer is giving me right now. I am kind of having fun making DVDs of my photos for my friends and family when I am not in the hospital and while in the hospital I have more time to give to others; my writing. What I would normally spend money on others (yes I love Christmas and get others whom I love at work something nice) I haven't been around this year but I will try some DVDs (my own movies of my life). I love to Shop but this year I am creating a gift from my heart; everything that I do personally is from my heart; just like this blog is. It's a channel to let my loved ones know how I am doing.

Since being released from the hospital, I'm really confused on which way my body is going. I have this Gastric tube that needs to be flushed 3 times a day and I'm not so sure if what I am eating is actually going to get to where shit is made? It's been a struggle this last day or so of eating as I watched helplessly at the one thing I ate today which was an Ensure; go through that Gastric tube. I was told about some other shakes that are like 700 calories online. I'm not going to stress over my weight anymore; I have hit a plateau of 106 lbs and as long as I'm not loosing anymore; I guess I'm OK with that.

My 1st night home; I puked and puked and then realized I should let some pressure off the stomach tube; so we just opened the end where puke came out of my mouth, the hole in my stomach and then out of my nose. I was a complete mess but things have turned around some. I'm not at the point of being able to go places (just across the street or down the street).

My honey has such a huge responsibility once again. At first I always go into a depression where I feel like I'm not even worth him having to take care of me and that I am burdening his life with more crap. He has no complaints and helps flush my disgusting tummy 3 times a day and my pic line 3 times a day and even hooks me up to an IV fluid bag to me for 3 hours at a time. Now that's true love! How I love that man who continues to take good care of me! Peace and Love to all!