Scraping Chest Pain on Left side?

This is just another amazing photo taken by Elena Zhukova.  She has such an amazing gift and I'm so thankful she was able to share that gift with me by taking such wonderful photos of me and my husband.

Yesterday, I had a chemo brain moment when I seriously thought that tomorrow (Oct. 2nd) was groundhog day but I just knew in my heart that Oct. 2nd was a special day and it is.  It's "Livestrong Day" and there are plenty of events all over in order to celebrate this special day!  It's unfortunate that the media will not be covering these excellent events that display humanity at it's best; they choose to show the worst and keep us controlled with violence and fear.  What if we don't want to live this way?

Well I have been a little stupid lately with my hunger pains and have tried to eat (stupid, stupid!( and am suffering greatly for that.  (pizza sauce and cheese, cottage cheese, yogurt, mashed potatoes and gravy, mac and cheese, biscuits and gravy) I even had to pull out the real pain medications which I hate taking but if I am suffering in horrible pain; I have to pull out the ammo so that I don't suffer needlessly.  The pain is too great to just do nothing about it; I can't even move so that has to change.  Gotta be able to live life and not suffer while doing so.  This is the first time in a while that  I have had to use the hard core drugs for pain and I hate how they make me feel but in the long run this suffering is too great to just go it alone.  Life is not meant to be in this much pain.  I still don't get why I feel so guilty and weak when I have to resort to having to use the stronger drugs.  It also scares me that something deeper could be wrong with me?  Well I do have cancer just growing about in my body for which chemotherapies and radiation have proven to only make my body more vulnerable to infections and or death. 

For a few days this week I suffered horribly from another abdominal blockage (not being able to take a shit!).  It was aweful; I would get these muscle spasms that felt like horrible, horrible, painful hemorroids; they felt just like a knife going right into my ass (youch!()  I would feel the need to go potty and then the muscle spasms would start with involuntary straining and puking and horrible, horrible heart burn.  This went on for like 2 days and let me tell you it felt like I had glass in my ass just waiting to come out.  Oh god was it painful?  I had to keep the bong in the bathroom and the puke bucket.   I made it through those worst parts and all that straining would result in more rabbit pellets. Then finally yesterday around 4am -ish; the levees broke and I had two amazing blowouts!  I felt so relieved because again I was going through yet another scary blockage in which I had no idea my intestines would ever work again.  I am always going to face  this for the rest of my life for ever how long it may be.  

I spoke with my social worker this week and she feels that I am one strong ass woman to be able to handle the stresses that I handle and just a year ago I was going through the whole "Denial" stage of accepting death.  Yes, there are stages that sick people go through before they die and I have gone through about 3 stages or I'm in stage 3 (so I am told).   If it happens, it happens; I just don't want it to be painful but I still fear and hate the thought of leaving my knight in shining armor.  I can't do it; I have to keep fighting for him and so many others who are also battling this disease.  It sucks to even think about but it is still fresh on my mind.   It's just further proof that we have to make the most of every moment we have here because time is limited.   None of us know when our time is up and I know that I say this all time but we all know that this is true.  

I lost a friend (well he was more Jimmy's friend but I grew attached to him) about 2 or more weeks ago that we used to call Punk Rock Tom.  He knew and saw all the bands that I used to love to skate too back in the 80's; he's seen the Germs, GG Allan, Circle Jerks, Misfits, Subhumans, (in NY no less and of course slammed at those shows); he told the most amazing concert stories I have ever heard and had been through the ringer and then some with his health.  He had had about 3 heart attacks and faught and beat cancer.  He knew all too well what I have suffering with.  He left behind a loving little 5 or 6 year old son that he loved with all his heart.  What a great daddy and he loved his wife just as much but she couldn't handle his health problems and left him.  I don't see how but I didn't know the situation she was in.  I know there is no way in hell I would ever leave my honey if he were going through what I go through and so much more!)  I wouldn't be able to live with myself.  Anyway, he died of a broken heart; true he is not suffering anymore but I do feel gifted to have known him.  Here is a photo of him with him on his bike with his son.  He used to work in slaughterhouse and that's where he got the horns for his ultra cool helmet.  He also kept his mohawk shaved to show his amazingly beautiful dragon tattoos on his head.  What a cool dude he was!  Please excuse the quality of that photo; it was taken with my stupid iPhone and not my D80.  Love you Punk Rock Tom and I will always miss you!

I don't know how so many people can live and be so greedy or that the media has to make such a big deal out of these greedy people who rip others off.  Why not make a big deal of those who give them selves to help others?  That's inspirational or those who survive the inevitable?  How can they sleep at night knowing that one day they will have to face what they did; or at least I hope they do.  Yes, I have 0 tolerance for laziness, selfishness, and greedy people.  I don't understand them or why they feel that all hursts are equipped with U-hauls that can take their prized possessions with them should something horrible happen them?  I don't understand the need for massive consumerism when there are so many doing with out?  I was never raised to be that way.  I was always taught that there is power in numbers and those people that I chose to help out were those who would go the extra step to help themselves get out of the situation they were in and to not expect others to  have care for them for life.  Don't be a burden to society!   We are all here for a purpose and it's not about being lazy; its about getting things done that will help others in the long run.  I believe in a future for our kids (I don't have any kids but I do love all of my friends kids and want the best for them).  My apologies if this paragraph makes no sense but it does come from my aching heart. 

One good thing about all of this is that my husband is loved by all of his friends who are willing to do so much to help him help me.  I don't know how the new law is going to benefit us especially since so many have been donating to our cause; we haven't had to purchase any cannabis in a few years.  I don't think there is a greedy person around who would argue our case that I don't deserve getting free handouts of weed especially since it has been helping me so much with the horrid heart burn pains I have been getting from trying to be norml and eat something.   It is the one miracle medicine that is helping keep me alive and I'm super glad that the laws are finally becoming more lax about it.  We can finally attempt to put those evil gangs out of business and therefore make it less dangerous on our society and give others a choice between alcohol and pot.  It is the obvious safe choice and Americans do deserve to have a safer alternative.  It's saving my life and I do feel my life is worth saving.  

I do feel that the right thing we can do about health care is to provide it for those who really need it; kind of like catastrophe insurance, when you don't expect the health problem that you get.  No one should ever fear loosing their home over their life.  It's wrong and I can't fathom those who feel that health care is wrong for people who need it.  It's inhumane to not offer it to those who really need it; how can people just decide someone's life is not worth saving?  I go into the emergency room all the time and I see how caring those nurses and doctors can be towards me and I never ever take for granted the health care that I have currently.  We don't have to worry like most Americans and I remember growing up and getting hurt and not being able to go in and get checked out because we didn't have insurance when I was a kid.  We couldn't afford it and when we did; we had to do with out a lot of things.  I'm OK with my money being spent to save other lives and to educate other children even if they don't belong to me.   

Well today I hope to ride my bike with my honey skating along sexily ahead of me with Blue Belle.  I'm hoping some exercise will help my heart become stronger; I know it is full of love and that seems to help it sometimes just knowing that.  Peace and Love to all of you!)