Scary movies, a good book and some hope....

Well I just watched 2 documentary films (one last night and another the night before) which really scared me (I probably should not have watched them; I hate that kind of stress); anyway these films were about 9/11 Independent Investigations because in all honesty; I also don't buy the government's version of the events, I am very stubborn and I really would like to know the truth of what really happened = the truth shall set us all free; we need to know and I'm glad that there are those passionate film makers are out there who are brave enough to question the government when things just don't seem right). True, it could just be conspiracy theory shit, but they sure had some valid points that proved many questions that were never answered. This is a moment in history where the government could be wrong and/ or responsible for what happened on 9/11 which is very scary if they really are responsible. I don't feel they have ever proved their innocence.

We just need some honesty as to what really happened; a real investigation. Their investigation never proved much of anything. We all deserve to know what really happened; not just a cover up story that has been changing over the years. Why wasn't real analysis done on the metal and why was it shipped out immediately for sale? Why did tower 7 fall when it wasn't even hit by a plane? That's just two questions of many that I have. Too much doesn't make any sense and many of the families have valid points as they have read the full investigation; too many unanswered questions.

That last Administration really stressed me out because I didn't trust anything about them. There was no integrity at all; they were caught in so many lies and blunders that I wonder if they really did have something to do with 9/11 (they sure were overly excited to be able to go to Iraq = that wasn't even the right country that attacked us in the first place?) Now we are over there trying to get out of there. Things got really messed up and I worried about something major happening because they just didn't really have it together to handle things properly (Katrina and 9/11). They were like "Duhhhhhh - what do we do now?".

I'm very sorry to get touchy on politics here and I hope I'm not offending anybody who really does trust our government; but good old Teddy Roosevelt (one of my heroes) always said things the way they really are; my favorite quotation which makes great sense right now and especially for that last Administration "Behind the ostensible government sits enthroned an invisible government owing no allegiance and acknowledging no responsibility to the people." and this one too "No man is above the law and no man is below it: nor do we ask any man's permission when we ask him to obey it." (hello Dick Cheney?) and then there is Ben Franklin's quote "Those who would give up essential liberty to purchase a little temporary safety deserve neither liberty nor safety.". The Patriot Act comes to mind here. Anyway I will stop here because I have probably pissed a few off; Sorry!) but that's OK; I'm entitled to my opinions, my stubbornness and my hard headedness. I can't trust a politician's word as I do their actions (taking handouts from insurance companies and/or pharmaceutical lobbyists).

I'm going to continue to hold onto hope with this new Administration; well I do know that Joe is a bit dumb at times (he still thinks that Cannabis is a very dangerous drug and that it makes people violent = he's never ever tried it) and sometimes I question his sanity (he is a good man but he really can be a bit dumb at times = it astounds me sometimes but not as dumb as our last President; now he was dumb) and am so glad that Obama is young and has some sense about him; I think he is a fair man. I do worry about him getting Assassinated by some of these crazies out there trying to stir people up enough to do it. (another reason not to watch the news!) I still feel that good Health Care is very important; I don't feel an insurance company should come between good quality care for a patient; it should be between a doctor and a patient. No more pre-existing conditions as excuses not to cover a patient; people get sick and should be covered when needed. I did get to watch some Fox Noise and noticed quite a few untrue statements on their show. Medicare is not going to be reduced in anyway shape or form if this Health Care Bill passes; in fact it's not even going to be touched. I can't get over how those journalists never do their home work. All they have to do is research but instead they just make up news in order to piss people off for no reason at all.

I can't even believe that Cannabis is illegal for Cancer Patients or Aids Patients to use in so many states or even for the Federal Government and how the FDA feels about anything natural for cures? It still stuns me because it really is working for me!) It is not a dangerous drug and it is with out a doubt the true reason that I am still alive today. It is saving my life and I am so grateful for that. I hope this Administration will realize the importance of this plant; it's many uses and of course for patients who really need it. I don't even feel it's anywhere as dangerous as Alcohol.

I also remain very stubborn and will continue to hold on to hope that things are going to turn around for everyone including myself. (I'm reading Suzanne Summers new book "Knockout". ) We have to be close to cure for cancer because there are many patients who have been cured. I thought I was cured after my surgeon had accidentally poked a hole in my intestine while inserting an abdominal port for intraperitoneal chemo but it did unfortunately return but anyway this book that I am reading is about real Doctors who have cured patients of their Cancer and there are still those who are kind of like me on maintenance; only I only wonder how much maintenance I can take of poisons when these doctors are giving their patients what is truly good for their bodies too; bad for the cancer and good for the bodies? Wow Imagine that!)

Also I don't understand the whole thing about Capital Punishment being cruel and unusual punishment when cancer patients are put through way, way, way, worse treatment and even healthy patients go through cruel and unusual punishment; here take these poisons and the amounts of drugs with such adverse effects. I see violent horrible criminals who should never see the light of day; live out their lives in prison who continue to be violent while in there; while we pay to keep them there. They have access to free health care while innocent people who have lost their jobs have none. How is that fair? You have to kill someone in order to get good health care? These Animals should be put to sleep for being the sick animals that they are. Hell I'm even OK with hanging them like they did in the old days. There is just no incentive for criminals to not be criminals. The punishments these days never fit the crimes.

Time to change the subject. Well for me; it's not so bad to live in the moment because in all reality none of us know when our time will be up. I have good moments and I have bad. (pain in my ass and intestines) but I still live by the Golden Rule "Treat others how you would want to be treated". I just want my life here to make a positive difference for others and am so excited about volunteering in my own neighborhood with my dog. I just hope and pray that my ass will be OK on Wednesday for her testing!) Good Thoughts that I can take my Miss Blue Belle to her final test. If she passes the TDI test; I can register her and then have proper insurance in case something happens to her.

I can only volunteer a few hours a day (and gradually increase if I can) but I feel this volunteering will help strengthen me so that I may be able to return to my job in January. I sure hope that I will be OK by then; I have so much hope and faith that I will be. I haven't been in the emergency room in over 30 days which I think is a record for me these past 8 months. Wow! That many months of being off work on Disability.

After all of these shootings and hearing about soldiers returning with Post Traumatic Stress Disorder; I really want to be able to cheer them up with my dog and maybe try to make a positive difference in their lives; let them know how lucky they are to have their life, thank them for their service to our country and maybe even inspire them enough that they really can get back on their feet; hell they can just pet my soft sweet dog and feel better; I know she makes me feel so much better. I will even visit with the elderly and sick (only if my immune system is OK) at my own hospital. It does make me feel good when I see someone else smile over my dog; I really like being able to share her. I don't think it's everyday that these people are able to pet and love on such a sweet soft gentle dog.

Anyway, I got to have some fun with my Dad; we rode bikes twice today and went out to eat. This afternoon, I accidentally did something horribly stupid and scared the crap out of my husband and my father. My father and I had just had a nice lunch and we were walked around Down Town Campbell and then I thought it would be a good idea to have a fresh glass of juice. We stopped at this one little Cafe where they have fresh juices; I had some beet juice with carrots and I totally forgot how that cleans you out like a whistle. All the food that I had been eating that day; working so hard to gain just 1lbs or more; gone. I puked twice; and it was beet red and my honey thought I was puking and shitting out blood and ready to take me into emergency ASAP until I told him that I drank beet juice. It really cleaned everything out of me; my intestines were in such severe pain. I could not stop pooping and had to smoke some pot to get rid of the extreme nausea.

Every time I drank anything it would come out my rear end until it was completely raw back there. NO MORE BEET JUICE FOR ME! It's supposed to be really good for you but evidently not for me. I can laugh about situation now but I was pretty scared because my intestines hurt like hell from all of that. It was horrible!( I couldn't keep any pills down or even the liquid morphine. I could only smoke pot and it helped so much with the pain and the nausea. It stopped the puking, but the pooping continued through out the day. Thank god that is mostly over!

Also all the pain that I had been having is much better. I emailed my doctor and told him how much pain I was in and he was able to prescribe some stronger medications which I only take when needed. I am gaining weight finally and am up to 118lbs. I went to the GNC store and got a bunch of shakes and juices that are supposed to put weight on and its working!) I'm so glad I'm gaining weight again. I have chemo on Monday so I will be prepared to handle all the nausea and hopefully it won't make me too lethargic; I hope and pray that I will be strong enough to get out and have some more fun with my dad. Peace and Love to all!