WARNING: Some of the Content here may be Objectionable to some. I have this blog labeled as "Adult Only" as a common courtesy for those who may easily be offended by Adult topics such as the Truth, Down to Earth topics, realities of living with Ovarian Cancer and/or any life threatening disease that goes along with it; Sexuality, Medicinal Cannabis, Profanity, and of course plenty of unpleasant body functions are also discussed here. This is a very tough battle for which I don't intend to hold anything back on what I am facing.

This blog is very personal and comes from the heart of a real fighting cancer patient who wishes nothing more than to live for all of those I love my own will to live, and my love of life. While sometimes I might be on heavy medication (prescribed by my doctor) and occasionally I might write about things or subjects that one may never even think about or consider; so please consider that as well. Yes; whacked out things might even be found here; but I mean everything in all good intentions.

This blog is not at all intended for the faint hearted, those who lack a sense of humor, have no idea what down to earth means, greedy mean people, and/or those who don't know how to share the world with others, and especially those who are unable to easily put themselves into the shoes of others. This blog is mostly about my journey of living my life in the best ways that I can under the Golden Rule and appreciating all of the GOOD KHARMA that comes my way! Never take anything in this world for granted; especially family and friends!

Tuesday, November 24, 2009

Will it be Thanksgiving in the Hospital?..

You guessed it; I'm back in the hospital. Here's what's up!)

Well Monday morning around 3am; I woke up vomiting and in severe abdominal pain. I tried to just relax and take a bath (yes in the middle of the night = it seemed like it would be good thing to do) but that didn't do so much and I also tried not to wake up my husband. Finally I just couldn't take it anymore and knew right away that it was time to go to ER again!(.

My honey was such a good sport about it; he got a little more sleep than I did because I kept getting up over and over and over again through out the night to go pee, poo, crying in pain, and to vomit. It seemed that it was just never ending and that the the painful spasms in my abdomen and in my back (kidneys?) would never go away. My honey helped me to get dressed since I was in such great pain that I couldn't even bend over to put on my underwear, socks, and pants. Yes, after that nice bath; I dried off and couldn't even put my own clothes back on because I was in such severe pain that I just climbed into bed naked (like that hasn't happened before!)

Once I was dressed we drove to the hospital and of course we grabbed one of Blue Belle's poo bags for me to puke in on the way to the hospital; & boy did I ever need it! I puked almost the entire way and it was mostly extremely painful, painful dry heaves and when there was nasty vomit; it tasted incredibly horrid. My tummy felt as if it were going to tear in half from doing so many hundreds of sit ups.

Once we got to the hospital; we were both super impressed with the fast service we got (I guess they could totally tell that I wasn't feeling so hot!) The nice nurse up front immediately brought us into a room right away. I was helped into a gurney for which I could not find a comfortable position to lie down. I started having an anxiety attack once I was put into that gurney; I swear those had to be some of the worst brushes of pain I had ever felt. These painful spasms were at least a 10 (always the pain scale of 1-10) with out a doubt for the pain (OK maybe it was a 20 but it was so aweful!!!).

I screamed in pain (I must have scared everyone in that ER) and could not for the life of me control my body. I grabbed things, knocked things over and screamed like an uncontrollable brat child. I kept saying "I'm sorry" everytime I did scream or knock things over and for everything that I did but I honestly had no control over what was happening to my body. I felt like these little aliens were inside my body with sharp scales all over them cutting my insides up.

Finally a nurse a nurse grabbed my arm with the picc line got me some good pain medication pumped into my needy veins and that instantly calmed me down. I could still feel some amount of pain as I just layed in my husband's arms in total relief with tears streaming down my face from the fear I had been having. I was so scared that this could be it; it could be the end of me.

I had to get out of that state of mind and look at that wonderful man who was holding me and to breath hard because I don't wish to die like this! I think I was in my own way staying as strong as could in those horrible moments of that pain. I had never behaved in that way ever before and I will do it again just to stay alive. I kept thinking that it's just my little old intestines not knowing what the hell to do with the food I had been eating these past couple of days? Poor things; they have been cut up on so many times so I'm hoping that eventually things will fix themselves and that miracles do happen!) I will keep that in mind always!)

After numerous x-rays and a CAT scan it was revealed that I have a tumor that is growing on my abdominal wall (sucks but it could easily be killed by some good old natural cures!); I have faith what can I say. But that's not the only thing; also blood tests revealed that the reason I have been lacking in energy is because I desperately needed a blood transfusion (the chemo killed lots of good cells in the process; so what's with the tumor?). Well because of the blockage I also had to have an NG tube inserted down my right nostril into my tummy in order to suction everything out of my tummy and in hopes that I won't need another surgery.

We have done this many times before so I'm not too worried except for the pain that just doesn't seem to go away. I got admitted and into my own room after being in ER for 12 hours. Thank god it was the second floor (I love most of the nurses on this floor). I did have some excellent nurses in ER this time around that I will never ever forget. Each experience is new; that's for sure!) These nurses sure made my experience so much better and I even laughed a little at their jokes and mine.

This one particular guy named Henry who was an ex farmer; we had some great conversations about animals (best subject ever); we bragged about our old pets and the types of animals we have each have had. Oh how I love to talk about animals!) There was another awesome dude nurse (I hope that's not offensive but I feel all nurses regardless of gender can be great) from North Carolina (only 1 year younger than me!).

We both had moved away from the South for very similar reasons; mostly for never really fitting in and feeling we were needed out here more (our soul mates) . He also spoke of some ultra religious people he knew who happened to be very greedy and cruel towards others they felt were not of equal wealth. I really wish I could remember this one phrase he said (it was so good); I hope to hear it again. Both of these nurses took such good care of me and made sure I had pain meds or what ever I needed to feel better. This is just evidence that you can't just go around feeling sorry for yourself and to try to enjoy the moments around you whether you realize them or not; it wasn't so bad being in ER. Yes there are other places I would have rather been but I try my best to make use of every moment that I do have no matter what.

I have been having to use a lot more pain medications lately and for valid reasons; I felt so guilty having to go through them as I have been; but my doctors all agree for good reasons. If they were in my shoes they would do be forced to do the same; that's what some of the nurses would say and one of them did tell me that I should ask any doctor what they would do if they were faced with my circumstance. I really have had some amazing nurses (can't even say enough about them!) this go around and it's nice to be back on the 2nd floor where most of my favorites reside although there are some amazing ones in emergency and some of the other floors I have stayed as well.

Today has been all about healing; my urinary infection is so far (no cultures seen so far) which means that I have finished my rounds of antibiotics (for now) but it's scaring me that I still have to keep with this NG tube and if I am away from it too long; my abdomen will start with horrible stabs of jabbing pain. I hope that goes away soon; no appetite so far which looking on the bright side of things is kinda good since I am forced to not eat until the output on my NG tube decreases; the pains go away. It could be hunger pains I am feeling but I really can't tell to be quite honest. My white counts are cool so I don't have to get another Nupogen shot (oh god those hurt and I only had to get one in my left arm). I had to get 2 pints of blood last night from an infusion but I may still need another one. I also had a small fever of 101 and another couple at 99. something. (on the constant look out for infections). So that's what life in the hospital has been like so far. I'm still smiling and with lots of high hopes. I have done 3 laps around my floor today and a few yoga stretches and lots of breathing exercises which have helped some. I'm determined more than ever that I will stronger and will get out of here soon!

The high lights of my day consisted of a 2 lap walk with my honey around the halls and we even visited with one patient but we didn't get too close because of my low immune system. Blue Belle really cheered up this mother and daughter to no end; we had to stop because of the cute sound of this little ladies voice as she asked if Blue Belle was a working or therapy dog. We just stopped for a few moments as they both got to touch Blue Belle's soft fur. They too had a sheltie but she had passed on a few years ago so it was only the right thing to do to respond as we were walking by. The nurses absolutely love my little precious one and it always makes me happy to see others smile at just her beautiful presence and of course that infamous Blue Belle bow / stretch.

My honey stopped by twice today; we took a nice long nap together and even watched a movie when he came back. We also Skyped for a little bit as I got to hello to Mr. Tonto and his gigantic huge big feet. I'm serious; Tonto's feet are really big for a cat; he's almost like a Bobcat; only no tail at all.

When my honey first picked him up; he had the webbed part of his feet stretched out and it almost covered the entire screen with huge Tonto feet. It was so hilarious and then he struck this look as I was struggling to try to photograph them and they are even webbed!

Well that's my update so far and I may not get to eat my turkey dinner on Thanksgiving but I sure hope all of you have a wonderful Thanksgiving and that the media isn't scaring the shit out of you too much with the H1N1 fright. If I can make it through all of this crap; I'm sure many of you will get through any illness. Enjoy life and Peace and Love to all!

Holistic Pet Nutrition

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Em said...

You're battling so brilliantly CJ :-)

I really hope you get to enjoy Thanksgiving.

Sending you loads of love and pain-free vibes.

Em xxx

l'optimiste said...

Tonto is hilarious! Lets hope you are quickly well enough and painfree enough to get home soon.

big hug sweetie

POD said...

An amazing post! Filled with icky news and good news and all those scary feelings. You have an amazing attitude while going through this shit. Don't you just wish you could *will* yourself well enough to go home? I remember those days...just get me through this and home soon! If we could just click our heels together three times-- life would be grand.
My thoughts and prayers are with you and your family. Get well soon.

debbi said...

Always thinking of you....You have an incredible spirit and have touched so many by your courage! See you soon....love,debbi

Anonymous said...

jayne...im always thinking of you and cant even imagine being where you are, it must be so hard for you yet you keep positive. i will call you later today and check on you.
love, amy, dale , daisy woof, cally meow, cruiser meow and yukon meow

nat said...

Oh CJ :( I'm so sorry for your continued pain. Would a colostomy help alleviate these intestinal disturbances?
Tonto is so adorable!

I wish you and your wonderful husband a peaceful, pain free, holiday! Big hugs

Anonymous said...

You are a marvelous old, old soul. I'm at least twice your age, but I've learned sooo much from you about life and how to live it-- every moment, the glorious ones and the agonizing ones. We're all in this together, aren't we? I know you and I are strangers, but my heart goes with you.


Shopping Kharma said...

Thank you all and I hope all of you enjoy your turkey dinner or what ever you may having for me! I need that extra weight too if any of you can spare that for me.

NO MORE BAGS FOR ME! Not even considering a colostomy since I did get to go poo today and I know my little butt hole is working so far! Major celebration! I hope to go home soon but am running a small fever.

Here's to being bagfree and hopefully tube free soon so I can go snowboarding this winter!

nat said...

Nope - no bags for you then! Yay for pooing! :)

I hope you go home soon CJ. You embody "mind over body", and I am honored to *know* you.

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My techniques and treatments work simply for me and may not produce the same results for others. Cancer is a very tricky disease in which it is very different in everyone it touches. No two cancers are the same just as we humans are not the same. What works for me may not work for others.

I love life and expect to live for as long as I can. I intend to use those treatments that do work for me which includes medicinal cannabis. I'm still alive with this disease over 7 years later because of this miracle plant and as long as I have my medicine available; I intend to survive many more years. I hope one day the Federal Government will eventually grow up and be led by true leaders who represent the people and not just coorporations; real people who live by the Golden Rule "treat others how you would want to be treated". I also hope the Government of the US can finally learn to admit that it has made a mortal mistake in making this life saving plant which is provided by GOD and does indeed have the ability to provide all of us with food, fuel, clothing, shelter, and medicine; a mistake that have made is that it is illegal. Yes, it was a mistake out of greed, ignorance, and racism that this miracle plant is illegal. This is a confirmed fact and we should all know and face it.

Cannabis is not at all harmful and in fact quite the opposite. Perhaps our economy can once again grow as it has in the turn of the century by making this life saving plant legal once again.

The contents of this blog including all images, (except images from third parties) and the name "Shopping Kharma - what comes around goes around" belong and copyrighted to C. Jayne Armstrong 2008-2010
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