Almost Broke my Record = 2 months no ER....

While my husband and I celebrated 7 years of the ultimate test of love; being diagnosed with this disease. Suddenly life becomes more important than all the mundane things like worrying about money, bills and so many other things that we don't much have control over. Worrying can be a waste of time when you don't have much. We made it through 7 years loving each other more and more and each and every day. We appreciate each other like nothing else and we never take each other for granted.

I'm so grateful for every day that I wake up next to him and hope to awake the same way for many years to come. Just the sound of his voice and being the good man that he is in taking care of me just makes me feel so warm and cozy inside. We watched an awesome movie on DVD Sunday night and we just had a wonderful laugh (where you look into each other eyes smiling and appreciating each other in the moment).

I have come to love Seth Rogan as an actor and writer. I read about so many who do not like him or just can't stand him but I totally disagree. I have grown to love him, he is one of my favorite actors; many say he has no talent; Hello? He was so hilarious in the "40 Year Old Virgin" and in "Knocked Up". He has this great voice too he reminds me so much of a few friends that I have had who always made me laugh my ass off no matter what. You gotta love those people in your life! He too is left handed just like me (and my honey) and I see his creativity. I didn't like a few of his films ("Pineapple Express" and "Zack and Miri make a Porno" = was way to depressing or horrid) but many of his movies have caused so much laughter in my hard times of going through this horrid thing called cancer. My honey and I have watched quite a few in the hospital and at home while taking care of me.

Well the one we watched was one of his new films "Observe and Report" on Sunday night. Most would be highly offended by this movie but I wasn't in the least and saw it for the comedy and sense of humor it brought me! My honey and I both have the same exact sense of humor and that's one thing that makes him my other half. We laughed so hard together on Sunday and it really made me feel stronger, happy, in such a great mood and to be quite honest, I have not been feeling so strong lately. This last chemo treatment almost made me feel as if I was going to die and I don't like that feeling at all. I like laughing and then having hope that I can beat this! I'm seriously thinking that I don't need the chemo and that I'm going to get stronger with my diet. Hell, maybe even contact some real Cancer doctors who have cured cancer. I will document all of this here.

The Clearity Foundation did in fact test my tumors and I plan to talk with my doctor about all of this and to see what matches my cancer and if anything can be done. I'm currently reading about (Suzanne Summers "Knock Out") patients with Stage IV cancers that are beating it and why can't I? Why do I have to take these poisons and my doctors give up on me? I'm not giving up; I'm too hard headed. Granted I have lost quite a bit of weight and I'm struggling to put it back on. I hate having to take medications for pain; so I had been tapering on the medications.

On Tuesday, I was feeling a little better despite all of the puking that I was doing (I feel more pukey? = is that even a word?) so we decided to go to a movie together!) My honey and I needed to get out and see a movie with our little girl. I've been smoking freshly rolled joints more so lately since this has been the only way to successfully combat the extreme nausea, getting me to gain weight and to drink plenty of water; I just laugh a whole lot more in this world that sometimes makes me sad (my health). We went to see "Pirate Radio" on Tuesday afternoon and it was awesome! We had the whole theater to ourselves practically. We got some popcorn, kibble for Blue Belle, apples, and some lemonade. Since chemo its been all about trying to gain some weight on my little bony ass!

After the movie, I took some painkillers (started cramping and my back was getting really soar) and took a nap while my honey went to his favorite sports pub to watch some sports on big flat screens and to eat a real "man meal". He was able to watch some Football, Hockey, and Basketball games (all at the same time)on the flat screens at his bar. (that bar is heaven for many sports lovers!) If he needed to come home to me, it would only take him 3 minutes to make it home.

Well Tuesday night around 9pm I started having horrible pains in my abdomen and my back. I just laid there on the couch moaning and groaning from the pain which in turn scared the crap out out of my animals; oh they were very concerned about me and poor Blue Belle laid right by my side. I even crawled into bed as she and Tonto followed me up the stairs in their own ways. This pain started pretty slow at first with a pain level of 6, and then it just got progressively worse. Then it hit a 10 and it really scared the living crap out of me; I thought my intestines were bursting and that I was going to die. I then started projective vomiting like crazy. I was also behind in taking my pain medications (I thought it might be nice to wean myself off of them so I didn't any for most of the day = just the 2 I took earlier). I was seriously mistaken when the blunt (as if my intestines were being stabbed with a blunt object) pains started. I called my honey and told him how much pain I was in and I could barely speak because the pain jabs were so severe; it took my breath everytime. I was scared and apparently he was too.

I cried and cried; I was so scared and my honey rushed to my side whenever these pains started. He held me in his arms and rubbed my shoulders and back to help alleviate the pain that I was in. I was also having a full blown anxiety attack from this fear so I had to pop an Ativan which totally helped calm me down (well so did my beautiful Blue Belle) within 15 minutes. My intestines were hurting so bad that it felt as if my intestines were about to rupture and just breathing made it even more painful. I had tried to smoke some pot in order to help with the pain and the extreme nausea and it did help just a little; mostly with the nausea and dry heaves. I had been puking just earlier (right before he came home) and I still had some dry heaves. The pot really helped with those but the pain was still incredibly severe. I was at least thankful the dry heaves were gone because those really intensified the abdominal pain. I almost felt as if I needed to be unconscious because this pain was so horrid.

I tried not to be so loud but I could not control the moaning which was almost like screaming (I didn't want to worry my neighbors so the moaning continued) because on a scale of 1-10, this pain was an absolute 10. Oh god did I want to just let it out and scream at the top of my lungs! I knew that I wasn't blocked but we dialed 911, anyway. What if something serious is happening? We got to the hospital and it was nice that they were able to use my pic lines to give me medication and fluids which I was very low on. It seemed they had to give me pain medication every 30 minutes because the pain so horrid. It was worse than childbirth without a doubt. I really thought my intestines were going to rupture; uhhggg. ouch!

They X-rayed me and I think may have called my doctor but they did release me and told me I had a severe kidney/bladder UTI infection and to take the Cipro twice a day and to make sure I am on top of it with the pain medications = don't forget to take them!. I was behind and the doctor kind of got mad at me for trying to get off of the pain medications especially since I had been suffering in pain. The doctor explained to me that I still have lots of scar tissue that is healing and in the process can be quite painful for digesting any food. Yeah that's true; I still hurt quite a bit just from digesting. Now it seems that I am getting horrible heart burn and can barely keep food down. I don't always get gas; but when I do; its totally like a celebration. I never hold in a good fart anymore and am quite proud of myself when I do get to rip one! But this is like gas in the wrong area of the body, I'm burping like crazy.

Here is the headshot I sent to Therapy Dog International for her Identification Card. What do you think?

We were released from the hospital at about 3:30am and both my honey and I crashed hard. The next day (Wednesday) was pretty hard on me and I spent most of the day in bed and doing lots of laundry. I can't just sleep my life away; I try my best to get as much done as I can and even completed a little reminder of when to take medications with times and everything so I don't overdose (I write down everything I eat, take, or drink). I'm contacting the nutritionist to see about gaining more weight without the TPN. I also hope to contact some of the doctors that Suzanne Summers wrote about.

These last couple of days out of the hospital have been focused on pain control and trying to get me to eat as much as possible and to drink lots of water. It's been some rainy cold days for getting outside; so I've been focused on cleaning the house and having a blast grooming Blue Belle. I picked up her paperwork from the vet and just mailed in the last of her paperwork to "Therapy Dog International". My dream of helping others heal will be coming true in the next few weeks. She won't be officially certified for working until after January, but I do plan to have her working for Furry Friends here in San Jose.

For now, Miss Blue Belle has been providing me and my honey the best therapy we could possibly ask for. She makes us so proud because everywhere we seem to take her; we are getting stopped by others who must get a chance to at least love on her. It feels so good to share my wonderful dog and to see others smile when they see how cute she is. Peace and Love to all!