The Reality of More Treatments....

I thought I would post this wedding photo since it clearly displays the love between my husband and I. Together we stand strong as we fight this terrible disease hand in hand.

My husband and I went to see our Chemo doctor on Wednesday afternoon (I originally got the day wrong- it was Wednesday and not Tuesday). This doctor actually had a wonderful bedside manner which can be quite rare when it comes to hope and surviving with this disease. Many doctors can be negative, and I have come home crying so many times from this. This doctor just felt that this combination of chemo would slow down the growth and cause some tumor to shrink and then I can go another break and then start some more chemo.

It was apparent looking at my CAT scan that I probably wouldn't survive another 4 - 6 months without having more chemo. The doctor didn't actually say this; it was just that obvious. It just seemed like there was just so much cancer in my body!

The Cancer is now growing out of control inside my body with over 12 tumors alone in my right lung and a few in my left lung too. I also have several more tumors in my abdominal wall but yet I am still fighting this and staying strong. I do suffer in pain each day just trying to eat and digest food which doesn't come very easily. My intestines are always making loud embarrassing noises which are another key indicator that my system isn't working right.

I have had a good 14 months off the chemo and its about time to start back. My husband and I have been dreading this for some time now to start the heavy duty stuff which usually adds the insult to injury side effects. It was a dreary feeling having to face this but I still have a good feeling about it and I will continue my fight because I love life that much. I especially love my life with my husband and all of my loving friends and family. Loving people in my life really make a difference.

My husband held my hand the whole ride home and he tried his best to be very strong for me. When we finally got home, I napped while he went to his local pub to talk to friends and to get a drink. He needed a drink and to release some pressure over his worries about his wife's life.

When I finally awoke, I started cleaning and I even filled an order . I then rode my bike 2 miles to the post office to drop off that order. I needed the exercise and I feel that if I keep my body in motion it just might stay there.

I can't sit there and pretend that it doesn't bother me that I will get very sick from the upcoming chemo, becoming this bald and ugly to look at woman; however my husband has agreed that no matter what, he is with me through this fight. He still feels that I am the most beautiful woman ever.

When he got back from the pub just a few hours later, he had just little bit of a buzz. I felt he needed to take the edge off a little so I wasn't at all mad at him. He walked over to me and hugged me and then all of a sudden, tears were dripping off his face. He never cries, but it was obvious he was very worried about me. I have to admit that it breaks my heart to see him cry because he never does. He is such a strong man with the most integrity of anyone I know, so yes it breaks my heart to see him cry. I know in my heart that his heart if full of love for me and that's what I adore about him. I love his sensitivity and most of all his love for me. It's really a beautiful thing and I just wanted to hug him so bad and to make things all better.

I held him in my arms and we cried together. I told him, "we can beat this together again! I will look cute in all those wigs and we can pull those out again. I can match them with my outfits and even the head wraps. It will be OK, we are strong together and it will be OK. This chemo will work and then perhaps there will be a cure soon."

We confessed the usual love for each other and we cried in each other's arms together telling each other how much we love each other that we can be strong together. Its good to cry and to release that fear every once in a while.

How I love my life with my soul mate despite the disease I am suffering, it could be much worse. In life, we are all given and although some things may not always seem fair, life always seems to go on despite.

I treasure the gift of life everyday especially waking up next to the man I love more than my heart and soul. Having that kind of love is priceless and I cherish him always.