WARNING: Some of the Content here may be Objectionable to some. I have this blog labeled as "Adult Only" as a common courtesy for those who may easily be offended by Adult topics such as the Truth, Down to Earth topics, realities of living with Ovarian Cancer and/or any life threatening disease that goes along with it; Sexuality, Medicinal Cannabis, Profanity, and of course plenty of unpleasant body functions are also discussed here. This is a very tough battle for which I don't intend to hold anything back on what I am facing.

This blog is very personal and comes from the heart of a real fighting cancer patient who wishes nothing more than to live for all of those I love my own will to live, and my love of life. While sometimes I might be on heavy medication (prescribed by my doctor) and occasionally I might write about things or subjects that one may never even think about or consider; so please consider that as well. Yes; whacked out things might even be found here; but I mean everything in all good intentions.

This blog is not at all intended for the faint hearted, those who lack a sense of humor, have no idea what down to earth means, greedy mean people, and/or those who don't know how to share the world with others, and especially those who are unable to easily put themselves into the shoes of others. This blog is mostly about my journey of living my life in the best ways that I can under the Golden Rule and appreciating all of the GOOD KHARMA that comes my way! Never take anything in this world for granted; especially family and friends!

Thursday, August 7, 2008

The Reality of More Treatments....

I thought I would post this wedding photo since it clearly displays the love between my husband and I. Together we stand strong as we fight this terrible disease hand in hand.

My husband and I went to see our Chemo doctor on Wednesday afternoon (I originally got the day wrong- it was Wednesday and not Tuesday). This doctor actually had a wonderful bedside manner which can be quite rare when it comes to hope and surviving with this disease. Many doctors can be negative, and I have come home crying so many times from this. This doctor just felt that this combination of chemo would slow down the growth and cause some tumor to shrink and then I can go another break and then start some more chemo.

It was apparent looking at my CAT scan that I probably wouldn't survive another 4 - 6 months without having more chemo. The doctor didn't actually say this; it was just that obvious. It just seemed like there was just so much cancer in my body!

The Cancer is now growing out of control inside my body with over 12 tumors alone in my right lung and a few in my left lung too. I also have several more tumors in my abdominal wall but yet I am still fighting this and staying strong. I do suffer in pain each day just trying to eat and digest food which doesn't come very easily. My intestines are always making loud embarrassing noises which are another key indicator that my system isn't working right.

I have had a good 14 months off the chemo and its about time to start back. My husband and I have been dreading this for some time now to start the heavy duty stuff which usually adds the insult to injury side effects. It was a dreary feeling having to face this but I still have a good feeling about it and I will continue my fight because I love life that much. I especially love my life with my husband and all of my loving friends and family. Loving people in my life really make a difference.

My husband held my hand the whole ride home and he tried his best to be very strong for me. When we finally got home, I napped while he went to his local pub to talk to friends and to get a drink. He needed a drink and to release some pressure over his worries about his wife's life.

When I finally awoke, I started cleaning and I even filled an order . I then rode my bike 2 miles to the post office to drop off that order. I needed the exercise and I feel that if I keep my body in motion it just might stay there.

I can't sit there and pretend that it doesn't bother me that I will get very sick from the upcoming chemo, becoming this bald and ugly to look at woman; however my husband has agreed that no matter what, he is with me through this fight. He still feels that I am the most beautiful woman ever.

When he got back from the pub just a few hours later, he had just little bit of a buzz. I felt he needed to take the edge off a little so I wasn't at all mad at him. He walked over to me and hugged me and then all of a sudden, tears were dripping off his face. He never cries, but it was obvious he was very worried about me. I have to admit that it breaks my heart to see him cry because he never does. He is such a strong man with the most integrity of anyone I know, so yes it breaks my heart to see him cry. I know in my heart that his heart if full of love for me and that's what I adore about him. I love his sensitivity and most of all his love for me. It's really a beautiful thing and I just wanted to hug him so bad and to make things all better.

I held him in my arms and we cried together. I told him, "we can beat this together again! I will look cute in all those wigs and we can pull those out again. I can match them with my outfits and even the head wraps. It will be OK, we are strong together and it will be OK. This chemo will work and then perhaps there will be a cure soon."

We confessed the usual love for each other and we cried in each other's arms together telling each other how much we love each other that we can be strong together. Its good to cry and to release that fear every once in a while.

How I love my life with my soul mate despite the disease I am suffering, it could be much worse. In life, we are all given and although some things may not always seem fair, life always seems to go on despite.

I treasure the gift of life everyday especially waking up next to the man I love more than my heart and soul. Having that kind of love is priceless and I cherish him always.


Jenece said...

I'm so sorry you're going through this. Reading your post it seems so familar to me. I don't have cancer but I have a very rare illness called Behcets. I have struggled my whole life basically and the entire time my husband and I have been married which is 19 years on August 19th. He is very strong and very supportive to me as well. I think it helps us get through these hard times. I thank God every day I have him. I hope things get better for you. Check out my blog. I have written some poems and words of encouragement on my website. Good Luck in your battle.

ShannonM said...

I wish you all the courage, hope, and strength in the world. I hope the pot cookies help!

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My techniques and treatments work simply for me and may not produce the same results for others. Cancer is a very tricky disease in which it is very different in everyone it touches. No two cancers are the same just as we humans are not the same. What works for me may not work for others.

I love life and expect to live for as long as I can. I intend to use those treatments that do work for me which includes medicinal cannabis. I'm still alive with this disease over 7 years later because of this miracle plant and as long as I have my medicine available; I intend to survive many more years. I hope one day the Federal Government will eventually grow up and be led by true leaders who represent the people and not just coorporations; real people who live by the Golden Rule "treat others how you would want to be treated". I also hope the Government of the US can finally learn to admit that it has made a mortal mistake in making this life saving plant which is provided by GOD and does indeed have the ability to provide all of us with food, fuel, clothing, shelter, and medicine; a mistake that have made is that it is illegal. Yes, it was a mistake out of greed, ignorance, and racism that this miracle plant is illegal. This is a confirmed fact and we should all know and face it.

Cannabis is not at all harmful and in fact quite the opposite. Perhaps our economy can once again grow as it has in the turn of the century by making this life saving plant legal once again.

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