Chemo beginning to kick in....

I still manage to smile despite the pain that I feel everyday. It's been getting progressively worse especially since the chemo has started. I have been feeling pretty sick (nauseated) and in a great deal of pain all day today and am now realizing just how lucky I am to have started my Medical Leave. There is no way I could function at work in this amount of pain.

I finished the completed paperwork on Friday just prior to getting ready for the A's Game.

This Medical / Disability Leave that I am taking is well deserving and it does ease the stress part of dealing with this. I spoke with Mom today and she at first was extremely concerned that I was going on welfare. All my life, my mother has been too proud to accept any hand outs from the Government. She would rather work hard and perhaps work herself to death than to accept any of it. She is very, very proud woman and despite living in poverty, she still manages to be hardheaded just like me, except this time, I took exceptance. She lives in South Carolina where there are a lot of people on Welfare and / or disability. Some are on Disability for just being over weight, having headaches, having children, or psychiatric problems. To her, this acceptance of government funds is a sign on laziness and or weakness. I for one, have been anything but weak going through this.

I had to explain to her that I really do deserve this time off and I am not a person who is faking my illness and going onto disability for being lazy. In fact I'm not that lazy at all, despite my house being a little unkempt, I do work hard at my job and give it my 110% and more if I can. I love my job and I love all the people that I work with. I sometime work myself too hard because I try so hard to please.

There are a lot of people that do go on disability for all the wrong reasons, but there are also a lot that we never ever hear about that are on disability and rightfully so, such as soldiers who are wounded in battle, or other cancer patients in my situation. I am not one of those who is going on Disability for a wrong reason by far. I plan to take just 2 months off while I am going on this chemotherapy regimen. I paid into the system many times over and since I am on Chemotherapy and heavy duty at that, I am taking advantage of what I have already worked hard and paid into.

My husband and I just watched the Bucket List with Jack Nicholson and Morgan Freeman last night and it really got me thinking and thinking about this Bucket list; that it might be a good idea to do. It was all too familiar and I too often wonder how much time I have. I don't necessarily want to know and they said in the movie that around 94% in a survey said they they don't want to know how much time they have while Morgan Freeman's character kind of wanted to know. I hate to say it, but I have an idea about my time and its not that good; I hope I am wrong, but it doesn't seem to me that I will live long enough to make it to my 40's. That's just because of how my system has been feeling over the months.

My insides feel as if they are rotting and have been slashed with razer blades and then infected. It's so incredibly painful to be quite honest and I would never wish this pain on anyone except our President or Dick Cheney because of what they have done to our country. I feel these evil individuals deserve to suffer; maybe it would make them less selfish and then in turn they would lead our country for us and not for their personal interests. Sometimes I will close my eyes and imagine them feeling the pain that I am suffering and it just makes me feel a little better. I know that might sound bad, but it works sometimes.

If I do survive into my 40's or even longer, it will be a blessing as each new day is.