Next Chemo Infusion....

Just had to post these gorgeous flowers that my lovely neighbor brought me just prior to me leaving to get my blood drawn. She got these flowers at the local farmer's market. God Bless Her!

Well here is the update. I just completed my first treatments (1 super infusion of Avastin on 8/12 + 14 pills = 2 weeks of Etoposide 8/11 - 8/24) Granted I did skip 3 days, but I took all of them! The Etoposide taken orally for 2 weeks, then 1 week off was the most difficult to deal with.

The Etoposide is supposed to cause hair loss and knocking on hard wood, I have noticed my hair thinning just a little bit. Not much, but my skin color is pretty pale.

I decided in order to prep for the hair loss and basically become more psyched is to not shave my legs, under arms or bikini line, eyebrows and even hair above my lips. So far, I am starting to look like a real bonafide hippy chick. My legs are getting darn pretty hairy and I don't know if my eye site is just bad, but I don't notice too much hair on my arm pits, just a little. My eyebrows are also allowed to grow into unibrow if they want to be! My husband really loves my big bush, so NO complaints from him just yet! So yes, the hair is still growing all over for right NOW!

My hair could fall out after the next cycle or any day now. I remember the first cycle of Carbo and Taxol that my hair fell out around the 19th day and it was right before Christmas.

Now here is a sad photo my husband took of me when my hair fell out the first time (12/02). I'm crying in this photo because it is a sad day on the reality of cancer. You can see just how dead my hair is as it had come out in handfuls. It wasn't the end of the world, but it did add more insult to injury.

Another serious side effect with the Etoposide is very painful abdominal cramping most because the pill goes into my stomach where it has to sit there while my body tried to figure out what to do with it. The pill is very corrosive so sometimes I have this really bad metal taste in my mouth. Then I feel like I have razor blades in my stomach as my intestines try very hard to move those razor blades through my intestines. Of course pot helps me get rid of this pain, so no worries there. Problem, solution! That makes me happy. I also laugh at myself as I do stupid things throughout the house. In all I didn't do anything dangerous to myself or others except drink my nasty PediaSure!

Every evening no matter what, I still get an abdominal blockage for which we have to handle in the most natural way possible or I could end up in the emergency room getting my stomach pumped (ng tube). We have to avoid it in the best way we know how. It's extremely painful to experience and I can still hear loud noises in my intestines. I plan to record those sounds once I get a stethoscope so that you too can witness those sounds. (I don't have one yet!)

BLOOD TEST TODAY

In order to prep myself for my next infusion (Tuesday, September 2nd 12:15pm), I had to go and get a blood test. Blue Belle came with me and wore her official working vest. She was a good girl the whole time and just sat by my side watching everything. I even got a photo of her being patient and walking by my side and then of me getting a blood sample. Of course all of the Flabatomists(sp), had to come over and get a better look and a handful just dug into the soft pretty fur. She smiled gently at each of them but just continued to watch me as my blood was drawn.


Not that this is a terribly interesting photo, it did help ease some fears of getting my vein stuck with a needle.

I can't wait to get a real camera and that will be when every Ritz Camera decides to send me my back ordered Nikon D80. Once I do get that camera, there will be much better quality photos in each of my posts. Too bad I only have this crappy Canon S500. Some photos appear pink at times and I can't for the life of me figure out how to fix that. No more worries about crappy cameras. More later!

Another Attempt to fix my pipes....

On Tuesday and Wednesday, my loving husband took the day off to take care of me. On Tuesday, we finally got to see an internist. Finally someone who could have sympathy for my screaming pipes. This doctor was right to the point, "I really need to take a poo!" That is my real problem; because of the multiple surgeries and sewing my colon and intestines together, there is scar tissue that tends to close up every year of so.

We can try to open it up and that's what we plan to do this week (we can NOT do it surgically). My doctor made a list of things for me to try to follow just so that I get to go number 2 quite often. Since most people have normal hard stool, he said that it would be best that I have soft or almost diarrhea and to go all day long. If you fall in the normal range, please consider yourself lucky. Imagine if you had to go through the shit I have to go through and I mean it quite literally.


I get to drink lots and lots of Miralax which kind of tastes like cigarette ash if you just have it with water. What I like to do is to pour a little bit of Blueberry, cranberry juice, or any juice (no sugar- just fruit sweetened), add the Miralax, then top off with water. Anyway, I have double my doses of Miralax, stop taking any laxatives or fiber since fiber cause bulk in the intestines where normal people (not me= never been normal).

Next the doctor suggested that I should refrain from eating any foods like salads, dairy, meat (which is not a problem - I will miss the cheeses!) I can eat soup, baby food, and PediaSure. I am not a big fan of PediaSure because it does have lots of sugars (which feed cancer).

I have been utilizing Whole Foods for the soups and Alive Ultra Shake. I really do miss eating food but just these couple of days I will need to live on the PediaSure and nothing with substance (no fiber!), just liquids. Its so hard to do because my tummy also growls when its hungry.


Then I also get to utilize lots of enemas and suppositories.! Oh boy! Sounds pleasant huh? That's just how much I love life and will go through all of this just because of the man I love and of course all the loving people around me. It really does make me feel good when I see that I touch others lives the way that I do. Those are the important things to me in life, it how we make each other feel and the impact we can make on each others lives.

Later that night, I watched Barack Obama's acceptance speech as I lay in a great deal of pain. I watched the entire speech with so much hope in my heart that the pain seemed to dissipate slowly. I cried at times in tears of hope and inspiration. This young man actually made me look forward to the future of our Country as we all work together to make improvements on all that has failed with 8 years of an Administration based on corrupt lies and no respect for the laws that govern our country. I pray that many Americans are smart enough to vote for what is obviously right for our Country. To read more, check out my blog Peaceful Liberal.

The Day after another treatment.....

Well I skipped the Etoposide pill on Friday night because of the pain that I was experiencing and I decided to take it last night (Saturday Night) with a large glass of water. I awoke with that awful pain of being kicked in the stomach with razor blades. I have 3 more chemo pills to take before I get my 1 week off & then go in for my infusion of Avastin.

My husband and I awoke early enough (9am) this Sunday morning and decided to go the Santa Clara Fairgrounds "Home and Garden Show". I was a little bit doubled up in pain, but the pain was treatable. Prior to going to the show, I had to smoke out my pipe prior to walking in because of the pain. I just wanted to feel normal and is that wrong? I just wanted to pain free enough to have a quality of life and to enjoy the world around me.

We brought Miss Blue Belle with us to the show as she worked with her vest on. She was a working girl and did she show it! She was a show stopper as many had to get a glimpse of this pretty working girl. Many would just stop to ask about her and why we needed therapy. I was open enough to tell anyone that had asked me about her; and with such enthusiasm that yes, I am fighting and I have people around me who love me and are praying for me. Most were shocked to see me who appeared healthy but was actually very, very sick. I am still very strong most certainly with my husband by my side.

As we were making the rounds inside the exhibit hall, I was speaking with a distributor of those Ionic Foot Baths. Some people sitting in chairs trying out the foot baths and as I shared my experience with the foot baths. Blue Belle jerked me midways in the conversation. Out of the corner of my eye as her jerked her back to my side, I saw a frail old woman being pushed in a wheel chair as she is reaching desperately for Miss Blue Belle just as she was pulled to my side. I immediately stopped the conversation in order to let Blue Belle do her work.

I leaned down quietly as Blue Belle gently allowed the frail elderly woman in the wheel chair (also on oxygen), happily pet and love on Blue Belles soft warm fur. She had a smile on her face that extended cheek to cheek with all teeth showing. She was in heaven for those few minutes. Blue Belle just sat patiently and licked her arms without jumping up to lick her face as she has been doing a little less lately, but it has stopped her in her tracks from getting certified to visit hospitals and patients. She can legally be by my side as my own personal Therapy Dog, but not for someone else because of her habit of jumping up. My husband then looked over just as other spectators smiled at us for what we were doing for this little old lady. I felt in my heart that I would treasure those little moments just to make another person smile or feel happy. My husband then gave me that special look he gives me every so often that makes me love him even more! That look just warms my heart no matter what or how I feel!

The things that make you feel good....

I have been noticing in the mornings after taking my Etoposide pill that my insides feel quite battered and bruised. It's almost as if I did 1000 sit-ups and then getting kicked in the stomach and /or sliced up with a razer blades. It's pretty sore and then the intestinal block isn't helping matters at all. Quite painful indeed. Tonight I will skip the pill and allow my insides a whole day of rest from the pill that makes me bleed.

I have been loosing a few pounds here and there but haven't yet broken the 130lb mark just yet. I am big boned and I look best at around 140 - 145lb (look healthier). I can't for the life of me really eat anything with out feeling lots of pain and suffering afterwards. Nothing tastes good and the only taste of food that I am craving at the moment is popcorn which is a definite NO NO for me. How I love popcorn and how it doesn't love me or my intestines!

What Does My Poo out of Feet mean today?

Just take a look at the poo that came out of my feet today from my foot detox. Now keep in mind that my bowels are quite blocked and quite painfully at that, but I did feel some relief after this particular treatment.

There is a lot of foam and kind of a metallic turquoise color that just floats over the top. (I took this photo with my phone since I forgot to bring my camera.)

So this time it looked like Bile function and then Liver which is good to detox for me at this time. It's only been 2 days since my last Detox treatment. Miss Blue Belle got to sit on top in the Captain's chair which I promise to photograph next Tuesday (Aug. 26th).

I still remained blocked the rest of the day and when I returned home after the treatment, I got a message from my doctor on the results for my X-ray (taken on Wednesday, Aug. 20th) which had a significant amount of Fecal in both the lower intestine and the upper. My doctor feels that I need a serious Roto Rooter treatment for me! I need to double up on enemas and Phosphate sodas (yuck!)=rotorooter.

Still more poopie problems for me,! I hope you feel better about being able to take a nice dump today! The severe pain that I feel in my abdomen almost seems like what ever is in there is being stagnant like the chemo that makes me feel like I am digesting a stomach full of razer blades.


Miss Blue Belle was a such good girl again today and then we went to visit my friend in San Bruno (the one who cleaned my house on Wednesday) to let Blue meet her new kittens. These cute kittens didn't really know what to think of Miss Blue Belle. She looked so scary at first and each little kitten had a little mohawk equipped on each of their backs. They started out on the top bunk, then moved to the lower bunk watching Miss Blue Belle intently. Then they moved to the floor watching her every move. She hid








Here they are checking out Miss Blue Belle who was extremely respectful to the babies knowing it was their house and she didn't want to stress them out so she walked out of the room when she heard one hiss at her. The babies would climb up and then climb down a level on my friend's son's bunk beds. It was first time for both of them to ever meet a big scary doggie.

Since Blue Belle has her reputation with cats, we felt if there was one dog we could introduce to those kittens, it would have to be Miss Blue Belle. She give them the biggest chance of gaining confidence and not being so frightened of a dog!



When I got home this evening, I got another phone call from a stressed Florists who had tried desperately to deliver flowers to me just yesterday on the complete other side of town. The Street name and the address and unit number were transcribed wrongly so another attempt to deliver today. Within a few minutes I had this beautiful bouquet and an adorable teddy bear with a very sweet card from the entire department at my job! If that doesn't make me feel better, I don't know what will. Every little bit of good kharma makes me fight all the more for my loved ones!

Still more pain & hopes for relief....

It is now more apparent that I am suffering from another abdominal blockage. I did speak with my Oncologist yesterday as he told me that he didn't believe that I could survive another surgery and that we are running out of options. It's recurrent and its chemo right now and it will weaken my system. If we can avoid a surgery, that would be best and we can.

For right now, I can't take any pills for pain and that's OK with me. At this point he said it in so many words, (I like to read between the lines) But if I really need some comfort from the pain, I can do some meditation after I get the strongest weed I can get and to utilize for for pain relief because right NOW that is the only option I have at this point. It's working for me for now and for me, living in the NOW is the only way for me to live. After doing so, I like to just laugh at myself because it is so much fun to do once I am pain free.

I had a very good friend of mine stop by to help me clean my house yesterday just a little bit and she also had her kids take out my trash and brush my kitties. I was overjoyed!

I couldn't find any recent photos of both my kitties (I would take one but they are both preoccupied by their naps - one behind the couch= Toonces and the other watching birds and squirrels while making funny noises at them=Tonto), but just managed to find this one of Blue Belle and Tonto getting a bath together which I have to do from time to time. It's pretty cute. Tonto doesn't look very happy here (he was later on that he was a clean handsome kitty), but he is a very vocal kitty but the cool thing is, he really doesn't struggle at all and he even manages to gently allow me to clip his nails each time.

I gave both of her sons a lesson on how to clip the nails of the cats from my previous experience in working in a vet's office. I showed them with Old Toonces. Those were the good old days, but it was only a $6 an hour job which was all I needed for the NOW back THEN.

My friend then dropped me and Blue Belle off at my friend's spa where I did another Poo out of my feet. It was first a question of what to do with Blue Belle because she really wanted to join me up in the Pilot's Chair or so it seemed. My friend gave me a medium sized pillow for my lap while Miss Blue Belle sat most comfortably in my lap as the water in the tub changed colors.

Its always so fascinating to see the mystery colors in the little tub. This time the water had lots of foam which indicates Lymph Nodes and then it was kind of Greenish which indicates Bile and then it turned a sort of Turquoise colored with specks of metal. That's pretty trippy, but that suggests Kidney Function. I will take a picture of the sign next time so you can see for your self. This particular Detox session certainly helped significantly in the pressure that I felt in my abdomen. It relieved some pain; just a little bit. The headaches I was suffering from are now gone. The head aches returned 4-5 days after my other foot detox (Wednesday, Aug. 13th)

After the Detox, me and Blue Belle walked two blocks back home and then we went to the hospital for my X-Ray. She wore her red vest and when ever she wears her vest, she is working and that she did. She stayed right by my side even in the waiting room, I gave her a carrot which kept her busy for the entire 45 minutes that we waited. After my name was called, I had to undress into a gown then into the room for my X-ray. I told Blue Belle to stay right there by the door and she did. When we were done with the X-ray, I got dressed in the tiny dressing room and then we were on our way to the Lab for some Blood tests and then I also needed to do a fecal (wow just like Blue Belle and the kitties!) since my Oncologist was so concerned about internal Bleeding.

See I have lost lots of dignity while having to fight this dreadful disease, so much so that I have no shame and would rather others feel thankful for what they already have. Quit complaining about the silly stupid things in life and be happy for what you have; somebody out there has less and they are content. I don't like the feeling of jealousy and of wishing you were someone else. There is a purpose for why we are who we are.

My Pain Relief

Imagine if John McCain were President. If it were up to him, I would be arrested and put in jail and perhaps my Oncologist too who has saved countless lives or prolonged lives because of his knowledge and skills. There just is no sense as to why the Federal Government claims there is no medical evidence that this miracle plant really helps to relieve pain with out severe side effects such as constipation, or abdominal cramping. In other words, its whats keeping me out of the hospital.

I can still have a quality of life and am able to eliminate the pain and suffering even if it is only temporary; believe me those moments can be lasting. I don't see the harm in it at all; as I am not harming anyone while I am in my home relieving myself of extreme pain. I don't deserve to suffer in pain as the Federal Government and not my State Government, but the Federal suggests that I do. I just love life and I plan to live it despite. What works for me, works.

I still feel strong physically and was able to swim a few laps in a pool last night just prior to smoking a small bowl from my water pipe. I can relax, relieve the pain and keep on living!

And even more good news!
http://safeaccessnow.org/article.php?id=5559

A Gastro Internist?

Well today after having 3 dire episodes of extreme pain for 3 solid days, I called the advice nurse this morning to find out if I can see my Oncologist for a referral to a Gastro internist. Perhaps someone who could listen in on the loud sounds of my intestines churning every time my intestines even try to attempt to digest anything in my system.

I could actually feel and even hear the sounds of my insides which seemed to explode on my left side. I felt this air bubble grow larger and larger inside me, then some loud pipe sounding noises and then all of sudden a small explosion inside my body. It sounded like some dynamite went off inside me. I cried in pain and it really scared my husband just to hear all that noise coming from inside my body and then seeing me doubled up in pain. I continued to double up as the churning continued. Blue Belle just stayed right below me not sure of what she could do. She had a very puzzling look on her face but she could tell something was indeed wrong with me.

My husband and I both argued over my extreme hard hard-headedness that I should have tried to call the doctor while I was off for the day. It wasn't hurting so bad at first, I guess I just expected my system to get better and improve (call that my optimism). I think pretty positively.

Well today will be different than last night, I did call my oncologist and left a message for him and here I sit waiting to find out what can be done. Thankfully I am able to utilize cannabis legally in the state of California for the extreme pain I suffer with the help of my beloved vaporizer and it really does work to ease the pain because I have nothing else to utilize for pain. I can't take any Ibuprofen because it could possibly cause more harm than good since I am not eating and then take a pill (Ibuprophen) and I don't have any other medication for pain at all.

Here's to something that can be done and I can continue to heal! Perhaps I need a surgery and now would be a good time since I am off for 2 months to heal. This is just what I am thinking just prior to talking with my doctor. I am still very optimistic despite this onset of pain and I still manage to laugh at certain aspects of my life like the poo factor. It sure would be a blessing if I could only go poo somewhat normally. Ahh the simpler things in life!

WARNING: Just a small warning that my posts may not be as often as I would like to be. If several days pass-) It could just be that I'm in the hospital recovering as there is no internet connection. If after a week, then it might be obvious that I am recovering from a much needed abdominal surgery. It could be time for me to have one as it has been over 4 years since my last one. (4/2/04)

Chemo beginning to kick in....

I still manage to smile despite the pain that I feel everyday. It's been getting progressively worse especially since the chemo has started. I have been feeling pretty sick (nauseated) and in a great deal of pain all day today and am now realizing just how lucky I am to have started my Medical Leave. There is no way I could function at work in this amount of pain.

I finished the completed paperwork on Friday just prior to getting ready for the A's Game.

This Medical / Disability Leave that I am taking is well deserving and it does ease the stress part of dealing with this. I spoke with Mom today and she at first was extremely concerned that I was going on welfare. All my life, my mother has been too proud to accept any hand outs from the Government. She would rather work hard and perhaps work herself to death than to accept any of it. She is very, very proud woman and despite living in poverty, she still manages to be hardheaded just like me, except this time, I took exceptance. She lives in South Carolina where there are a lot of people on Welfare and / or disability. Some are on Disability for just being over weight, having headaches, having children, or psychiatric problems. To her, this acceptance of government funds is a sign on laziness and or weakness. I for one, have been anything but weak going through this.

I had to explain to her that I really do deserve this time off and I am not a person who is faking my illness and going onto disability for being lazy. In fact I'm not that lazy at all, despite my house being a little unkempt, I do work hard at my job and give it my 110% and more if I can. I love my job and I love all the people that I work with. I sometime work myself too hard because I try so hard to please.

There are a lot of people that do go on disability for all the wrong reasons, but there are also a lot that we never ever hear about that are on disability and rightfully so, such as soldiers who are wounded in battle, or other cancer patients in my situation. I am not one of those who is going on Disability for a wrong reason by far. I plan to take just 2 months off while I am going on this chemotherapy regimen. I paid into the system many times over and since I am on Chemotherapy and heavy duty at that, I am taking advantage of what I have already worked hard and paid into.

My husband and I just watched the Bucket List with Jack Nicholson and Morgan Freeman last night and it really got me thinking and thinking about this Bucket list; that it might be a good idea to do. It was all too familiar and I too often wonder how much time I have. I don't necessarily want to know and they said in the movie that around 94% in a survey said they they don't want to know how much time they have while Morgan Freeman's character kind of wanted to know. I hate to say it, but I have an idea about my time and its not that good; I hope I am wrong, but it doesn't seem to me that I will live long enough to make it to my 40's. That's just because of how my system has been feeling over the months.

My insides feel as if they are rotting and have been slashed with razer blades and then infected. It's so incredibly painful to be quite honest and I would never wish this pain on anyone except our President or Dick Cheney because of what they have done to our country. I feel these evil individuals deserve to suffer; maybe it would make them less selfish and then in turn they would lead our country for us and not for their personal interests. Sometimes I will close my eyes and imagine them feeling the pain that I am suffering and it just makes me feel a little better. I know that might sound bad, but it works sometimes.

If I do survive into my 40's or even longer, it will be a blessing as each new day is.

Dog Days of Summer at the Oakland A's & more!

Well despite having had to start chemo this week, I am blessed to having had the energy to go to the game. I even worked a half day today and it was my very last day at work prior to my Medical Leave which starts on Monday.

We were afraid I might have been too sick to go and I really feel that taking that chemo pill at night made the big difference. Rather than waking up and then taking the pill, I take it before bed so that I can sleep through some of the side effects. I still get the Metal taste in my mouth at times and some nausea but nothing a little medicinal cannabis can't handle. The cannabis certainly works in multiple ways.
A. It get rids of the nausea and
B. It gives me really bad cotton mouth and in turn I'm thirst and the metal taste in my mouth is gone
C. I can finally drink some water which is such a good thing!

I didn't have any at the game but I did vaporize prior to leaving. I know I must mention all of this but it works for me each and every time that I need it.

We got to the game just after 5:30pm in Oakland, CA. The traffic was a little like the Slingshot traffic which happens occasionally and it even reminded me and must husband of why we would never move to Oakland or the East Bay. We had a blast needless to say and Oakland even beat the Chicago White Socks toward the 9th inning. What an exciting game!

To See more Photos, please check out my post in Blue Merle Sheltie Blog.