My Awesome Pain Pump...

This photo more than says it all for my tiny petite size.  Only weighing in at 101.5.  Whoo hoo!  I'm pretty damned bony and I can't do anything about it!  Can't eat a damned thing!(  It totally sucks! I'm mortified to be this small and while some girls are starving themselves to death to be this small and much smaller baffles me to no end? I wished so much that I could just have their ability to eat and to gain about 50lbs; that would be awesome!   That Hockey puck is my pain pump and it more than shows itself through my bony ass! At least they can find it with out any problems?

  

 Well Tuesday I was able to get my pain pump turned up but I'm still going through the horrible, horrible painful heartburn pain that even results with just drinking water. I've given up on eating anything or sometimes I just eat just about anything but deal with the suffering no matter what.   I have a puke fest at least once or twice a day; sometimes more.  It's when I have to puke so bad that it burns my throat, comes out of my nose and almost drowns me!  That's the kind of puking; I get through it each time but its so annoying that I have to go through this every day no matter what?; if I don't eat or do eat?  Definitely if I do eat anything.   I've skipped eating more days than I can count and sometimes I will break down and make myself some mashed potatoes and gravy.   What pain I have to go through just to have just a little bit of pleasure.  My tummy hurts when I'm hungry and especially if I am full! 

Ok back to my pain pump; it is an amazing medical device and it did make quite a difference just turning it up just that little bit that we did.  I'm still having to take more pain medications but nothing orally.   Don't mind my Skeletor legs here!)  The little palm pilot thing is what the doctor uses to punch in calculations that provide me with a certain amount of pain medication.  Pretty fascinating, huh?  Next month we get to change the formulation and maybe get a different drug added?  We will see!)

The little mouse looking object fits perfectly on my pain pump while it beeps to my pain pump (inside me) to "turn up the medication!".   I would highly suggest this device for other patients who are suffering as I have been.  It makes all the more difference in not having to take medications orally when I suffer as I do.  It's no big deal if you are bony like me; they can definitely find it much better and it literally  takes no time to refill it.   In order to refill it; a needle is inserted into the skin where the device is. 

Ok the surgery to insert it was a bitch but now more  than ever after seeing the big picture and the quality of life it has helped me live; it was worth it.  The pain doctor or neurologist can usually find the right spot with that little mouse contraption; like he's doing here.  I' m supposed to get it refilled early next month and since they turned it up it only brings the refill date up maybe a day or two.  It's very convenient to have your heavy duty medicine dispensed this way.  Hey its made in the greatest country ever!  The good Old USA!

So many of you were concerned about me going on to hospice/palliative care with me not being able to get my feeding tube.  Well hospice has agreed that there is no problem at all with me getting my TPN, my medical supplies and everything else I need to fight this battle.  I'm about getting as much good quality time here as I possibly can and that is my ultimate goal in life right now.   I hope this will be a great experience that I can share with all of you!)  I also would like to touch as many souls as possible through my experiences and hopefully help many to see how wonderful life can be if you make it.  You can either wake up and agree that this is going to be a great day or this is going to be a shitty day!)

The other day my TPN bag exploded and we had to skip a day on my bag and of course I lost a few pounds but I'm getting over it.  I haven't hit the dreaded 100lb mark yet so I'm not going to stress all that much.  Tonto helped clean up some of that mess  (behind the couch)  and what a mess that was.  Good thing it only leaked all over my old rug and floor; had to move the couch to clean up that mess.  My honey and I are such a team we got it up in no time; actually he did most of the work. Since the stuff is so high calorie; we will have to watch his waistline more carefully so that means more walks for Tonto!

I might be going through hell as many might see it but I'm so thankful for everyday I am given with my honey and my loved ones.  I don't care how much I have to suffer or puke! because that has been the way it is lately.  I'm getting used to it; (somewhat?).  Hate it when it's happening and so does my sweet honey!   He is such a man!)

Peace and Love to all of you!)

Here is another beautiful horse who needs a home or some bales of hay bought and paid for!  I have to pay these horses back for helping me get through those horrible, horrible hot flashes, that I used to have back in the day; but then I find out that those pills are made from horse piss!  I was pretty mortified to find that out and how the mares are kept pregnant and not able to move much with contraptions attached to them in order to collect their pee?  What a gorgeous colt BIG MAC is.  He was born on the Animali Farm   on July 17, 2009 and should grow up to be a big boy since his mommy was big. He is a mixture of 1/2 Thoroughbred with a mix of Percheron, Shire, Appaloosa, and Paint.     His Adoption fee is $1800.  Please contact Jennifer Johns or Cheryl Forbes if interested: animali@aol.com (805) 938-0174

Welcoming Hospice Care....

Yes, we made the big decision today to go onto hospice care.  We are a bit overdue on this decision but fighting so hard in this battle; we need a break and from what I understand they can help us quite a bit.  Now my cancer is considered technically End Stage Ovarian Cancer?  How completely morbid does that sound?  I'm still going to fight to live each and every day that I am blessed to have as they come no matter what and the decision to go onto to hospice care was definitely not an easy decision to make.  I only hope that I make it till the end of the year (or longer if that's even possible - that would freaking rock!).  No more gifts for me; just prayers and/or healing good thoughts!  I could really use some miracles!   What an understatement!   That's all I need now!  Can't take any of that shit with me and just by others thinking of me makes the world for me.  Thank you all!)

 One cool thing is that I am still able to get out and ride my old lady bike.  Yes, I'm calling it for what it is.  I can't walk for long distances and the bike is so very comfortable that I can still ride it.  All the power I need!

One thing that hospice care will do that makes me feel even better is that they will provide care for my loving caregiver and husband (my sweetie).  He deserves the world!   He has been having problems sleeping and he needs support just like I do.  Caring for a spouse who is facing the inevitable is hard.   He has such a heavy load on his plate in taking care of me each day.  What an amazing man he is and continues to be!  It is so not easy what he has to put up with and I admire him so deeply!)   I know that it kills him to see me in any amount of pain and sometimes I do have to admit that I hold the pain in as much as I can just so that he doesn't have to hear me suffering.  He always makes me feel so good no matter what the situation is; just hearing his soft voice calms me.  OK I already wrote a tribute to him not so long ago but if I get a chance to brag; I will do it!  He deserves that and so much more!

This photo is of Blue Belle and Jagger; a good friend of hers and Jagger's mom.

The decision to go onto hospice care was not an easy decision for me to make because they are dealing with end of life and I guess that's what's going on with me unfortunately.   Many  hospice care workers I hear are ready to speed up the process and I will not at all be about that!   No Way do I want this process to go on faster than ever!  That sucks!  I want to drag this on for as long as I possibly can and I will be sure to make that as clear as possible.   I guess we are a dime a dozen but still!  I'm just not ready to let go so quickly.  I do know that it will happen one day; but like all of you; I just don't know exactly when.   I was not at all ready to go onto Hospice Care last year or even 6 months ago when I have been faced with this decision for so long.

Its weird to see how right that psychology class I took at Indian Hills Community College so many years ago was.  You do go into stages of acceptance when you are dying with a disease.   I think the first was utter fear but it's actually denial.  Oh yeah there was plenty of that!  I wanted to hang on so bad; don't get me wrong I still do.   I did go through anger last year; although I am still a bit bitter about it all? I still wonder "why me"?  Every cancer patient goes through that.  Then there is other thing called "Bargaining" where you think if you do something different maybe the inevitable won't happen to me?  We did the pain pump, more radiation, and then I got good old R2 so that I could try to eat my favorite foods with out having to puke up so much; I still puke quite a bit.  Thank god for good old POT!)  It helps some!  Then there is the depression which is really hitting us both quite a bit.  My honey and I held each other for like hours sobbing together.  Love has brought us through so much of this shit.   We are both getting closer to the acceptance of this but it's still very hard; especially for someone as hard headed and stubborn as myself!  Oh and the beautiful photo above  was once again taken by Elena Zhukova a few years ago.

I am getting my pain pump turned up tomorrow at 2pm and then on Thursday; I think the hospice people will be coming over.  I plan to document as much as I can in hopes all of my information may help many, many others.

I will never forget when my doctor came into my room and told me that he felt my battle should end.  It kind of has; we can't try to kill any cancer (it's taken over) but I am living with cancer (numbing the pain when needed).  Cannabis is a blessing for me right now in so many ways.  It is the best pain killer; sometimes I need more help so I have to go stronger but in the morning hours it works best.   I know it is the reason why I am still around to this day; I got many more years than most would have had with my disease.  I have outlived many other patients and yet this disease is still quite deadly.  I hope in the future that all cancers will be looked at more seriously as they do with breast cancer; we need a cure!  I would hate to live in other states where they would deny you Constitutional rights (helping ease unnecessary pain and suffering);   It seems they give more rights to those on death row?  I am so glad it is legal in my state and I didn't have all the hell that many other patients had to go through of getting arrested or having a gun pulled on me in the middle of the night?.  I have had nothing but support for my decision to use and I am very thankful for that and the amount of time it gave me with my loved ones.  It has been a total blessing in so many scary situations we have faced!

I'm still going to fight live as much as possible;  to have  more of those good days and try to see as many movies as I can.   There are a lot of good movies coming out lately? Well at least I know I won't have to run and take a dumpers during the middle of a movie any more; I just can't eat any popcorn or Milk Duds?  I think that is what they are called.  Milk Chocolate Caramel balls?  Yummie!  Maybe I can bring R2 with me and stomach suck my tummy right after eating those yummy candies?  Well I do know Blue Belle will be sitting there enjoying the movies with me.  What a crazy request because I still have my appetite just can't deal with the pains of this monster eating me alive.  I hope and pray that one day there will be a cure for cancer and that others don't suffer as I do.  Peace and Love to all of you! I hope to post a video later on today!

Oh and I do wish to help these horses if all possible.  They are the result of the female hormone Replacement Industry.   This is Bess Nick and he was born in May 2007. Here is more information on Nick: Nick is a big bold moving horse. He is the most amazing color, a red roan with lots of sabino markings. He is dirty in this photo, we can only imagine how he will sparkle with a good bath! He should do will as a riding or driving prospect. He grew up in Alberta, Canada running in a huge wooded pasture. We brought him to The Animali Farm because he was going to be sent to slaughter. He was in the wrong place at the wrong time, and such a beautiful horse. He is halterbroke only, but is going to be used in the Starter class at Monty Roberts School in September 2010 where he will get some good training.  Please contact Jennifer Johns or Cheryl Forbes if interested in this beauty; animal@aol.com or (805) 938-0174.

I'm dying to live...

I guess I'm reacting to the media and them finally taking seriously stupid bullying of kids at school and the rash of teen suicides that have happened just last month.  Seeing those photos of those young children who had killed themselves is really heart breaking and I feel so bad for those families.  I offer my deepest condolences.  I hope those families eventually find peace and solace.   What a horrible tragedy and for there to be so many of them; who knows how many there really are out there?.  

I think last month or so there was a sick guy prowling the internet looking for teens who wanted to commit suicide and sick enough to request that they do this in front of a camera while encouraging them?  How can someone actually be that evil?  As far as I am concerned this sick person is a murderer for convincing kids to kill themselves and then hearing Anderson Cooper (yes, I watched part of Dr. Phil the other night = what I could stand of it).  I can't really watch too much TV that upsets me, seeing a program about kids killing themselves while I am fighting so hard to live is heartbreaking enough.   It's really sad that these kids didn't understand that life only gets better with time and boy does it!  I wish their parents had been able to tell them this or get them the help they needed or that schools were taking more seriously how cruel bullies in Middle School and High School; hey and even college can be.

If you or someone you know is having thoughts of suicide; call 911!

SUICIDE HOTLINE

1-800-SUICIDE (1-800-784-2433) or 1-800-273-TALK (1-800-273-8255)

or check out a good friend of mine's website: http://peerabuse.net/ .  I'm glad my friend Elizabeth Bennett from high school put this website and blog together which I know will help many to appreciate the life they already have and help address issues with bullies.  Bullies are pathetic cowards who abuse others.

Are some of these kids (the bullies) not taught compassion anymore these days?  It kind of reminds me of a chicken pen where the weak are pecked to death until they die; these kids  seem to really go for the jugular veins of these sensitive sweet kids?  Do parents not have the time to teach them good manners and how "what comes around usually goes around?".   Treat others how you would want to be treated?  Would they have wanted to be treated this way;? even those bystanders of the bullying? Grow a backbone and stand up for what isn't right or is right; don't just join in?  WTF!? The kids that caused these children to take their lives are going to be affected for the rest of their lives; maybe not now but it will always be in the back of their minds that they caused someone to kill themselves.  I wouldn't want that on my plate for sure!  I would never be able to sleep at night if I caused such a thing!

I think bringing a child to see other sick children in a hospital setting might make them more thankful for what they do have and or having them volunteer helping others who are not as fortunate as themselves or just putting them in more real life situations where they are taught empathy for others might help?   I'm naive so I might be wrong about all of this but it seems to make sense to me.

Life can be so beautiful when you get to your 20's, 30's, 40's, I hear 50's, 60's, 70's and sometimes even 80's can rock!   OMG! Snowboarding is with out a doubt one of the most amazing feelings in the world that I will never forget!  Sometimes I even dream about it; it's my happy place!)  I wouldn't want to die with out trying that for sure!  I'm fighting so hard to stay alive  right now and I wish I could just live for so many more years!  I want to go snowboarding really, really bad this winter (maybe for the last time ever?).    I wish I could have my life back the way it was before all this horrible cancer.  Too bad I had to have one of the more deadlier types of cancer; while many probably would have given up on life much earlier; I just can't do it.   I don't want to.  Hopefully this blog can help save other women's lives and bring more awareness to this horrible disease?

Hell let's all get along like my dog does with all of her neighborhood buddies.  Many of you may have already seen this video on my Facebook page but for those of you who have not; hope you enjoy!

OK so here's my deal right now honest to goodness this is what I am facing.  Please let me know what you think about this issue and if you think I am wrong with my requests for  an artificial feeding tube?  Unlike Terry Schiavo, I am alive, walking around, conscious, riding my bike, and loving my life even though I have horrid amounts of pain; I still love it.  I don't feel that I should have to have my feeding tube turned off in order to be comfortable?  Well first of all we all don't leave this planet alive and some of us have to go sooner than others.  I do realize that my time is coming up and I feel it and realize that this reality is part of my future; hell its part of all of our futures unfortunately!(

Well my tummy is toast and so are my intestines.  I can't eat anything any more and if I were to go onto hospice care they would give me all the support I needed to die comfortably and take care of the pain.  The problem is that I may last a week or two that way.  I want to live longer than that.  The only thing I can't do is having my my TPN (Total Parenteral Nutrition) turned off just yet.  I was told by one of the hospice nurses that eventually I will need to have it turned off and my concerns were that I do not wish to starve myself to death.  OK the TPN may be feeding those tumors but it's also feeding my poor body right now and I feel hungry most of the time which is a blessing.  Well because as long as you are hungry, you still want to live.  One of the things that happens to you before you die (sick I guess) is that you loose your appetite completely?  I had no idea? It's strange I know; I didn't quite understand it but eventually it will come to that.

I just can't imagine myself not being hungry but it does happen all the time? The body just shuts down and eventually can't handle digesting food anymore.  Well my intestines and stomach are definitely there and I still have hope that maybe they will still heal. I'm praying for that?  I want to live so bad; I hate having to face this shit!  It absolutely sucks!(  I kinda bummed about all of this.  I promise to try my best to update and let everyone know what it is like to be on hospice care and everything that happens to me and around me.  It should be an interesting and helpful perspective for many others out there like me.

My pain pump is finally at the final point where it may not be turned up anymore because of some crystals that can form in the pump at a high dosage of one of the drugs inside the pump.  My pain doctor has suggested that I stick with my oral medications which soon I won't be able to handle them which is another reason why we are considering hospice care.  I am going through too much pain for a good quality of life and that's what I need right now.  I need to be comfortable and not have to deal with all of this pain; hospice nurses are specially trained to help make those transition easier.  The key word is Transition.  I had my massage yesterday with one of the hospice trained individuals who helped me understand some of the areas of Hospice care that I didn't  quite understand before.  She works for Hospice of the Valley which is wonderful organization of loving people who  help those who are close to ending their lives here and starting their next journey.   I really sat on the fence for a long time when everyone else around me was suggesting that I go on it.  I was just too scared and to be quite honest; I still am; don't get me wrong!  I don't want to die but do I have a choice?  We will see on Monday when I make my argument to keep my TPN and R2 (my stomach sucking pump).  That thing is so freaking awesome!)  I want to be able to pump my stomach too with my wonderful R2 (Gomco - Constant and Intermittent Pump);-)  I know it sounds like such a waste!  I want to eat, puke it up or suck it up!)  Currently that's how I get my fix for eating; yeah it sucks but at least I'm alive!)

On Monday we are meeting with the hospice nurse, maybe a social worker; either way communication is key.  I don't want to go into this with out my feeding tube  (&my R2) and hospice is against feeding tubes and more labs for me.  They do want me to understand that I will have to give it  (feeding tube) up eventually; also 911 is also prohibited for me?   I have to understand that this is "end of life care".    I do understand that my end is coming up but I don't want it to be sooner rather than later.  Why not live as long as I can? I just wish to be comfortable and with out so much pain?  If I can't eat organically, keeping me alive artificially with a feeding tube; is that wrong or too much to ask?  Is my life even worth it?  Many hospice care workers are against the TPN but for me I want to live as long as I can and I don't wish to starve to death just yet.  I'm too young to have to be thinking about this shit!(

I hope my post will help others decide that it's stupid to end your life foolishly (especially if your health is wonderful!?) when there are so many of us fighting to live?.   Some of us out there think its a cop out to just end your healthy life over stupid  shit things that will end soon and of course things become so much better!  If you can eat, shit, walk, love, and so much more; life is definitely worth living!   Ain't no sense in ending a good thing!  Things always get better with time!)  I'm fighting as hard as I possibly can to stay alive for as long as I  can.  I love my honey, my friends, my family, my pets and so much more!   It is another journey for most. Yeah, I will drag this out for as long as I possibly can!) I want to live so badly but we all don't have a choice when  our time comes.  I wish all of you Peace and Love!)

Scraping Chest Pain on Left side?

This is just another amazing photo taken by Elena Zhukova.  She has such an amazing gift and I'm so thankful she was able to share that gift with me by taking such wonderful photos of me and my husband.

Yesterday, I had a chemo brain moment when I seriously thought that tomorrow (Oct. 2nd) was groundhog day but I just knew in my heart that Oct. 2nd was a special day and it is.  It's "Livestrong Day" and there are plenty of events all over in order to celebrate this special day!  It's unfortunate that the media will not be covering these excellent events that display humanity at it's best; they choose to show the worst and keep us controlled with violence and fear.  What if we don't want to live this way?

Well I have been a little stupid lately with my hunger pains and have tried to eat (stupid, stupid!( and am suffering greatly for that.  (pizza sauce and cheese, cottage cheese, yogurt, mashed potatoes and gravy, mac and cheese, biscuits and gravy) I even had to pull out the real pain medications which I hate taking but if I am suffering in horrible pain; I have to pull out the ammo so that I don't suffer needlessly.  The pain is too great to just do nothing about it; I can't even move so that has to change.  Gotta be able to live life and not suffer while doing so.  This is the first time in a while that  I have had to use the hard core drugs for pain and I hate how they make me feel but in the long run this suffering is too great to just go it alone.  Life is not meant to be in this much pain.  I still don't get why I feel so guilty and weak when I have to resort to having to use the stronger drugs.  It also scares me that something deeper could be wrong with me?  Well I do have cancer just growing about in my body for which chemotherapies and radiation have proven to only make my body more vulnerable to infections and or death. 

For a few days this week I suffered horribly from another abdominal blockage (not being able to take a shit!).  It was aweful; I would get these muscle spasms that felt like horrible, horrible, painful hemorroids; they felt just like a knife going right into my ass (youch!()  I would feel the need to go potty and then the muscle spasms would start with involuntary straining and puking and horrible, horrible heart burn.  This went on for like 2 days and let me tell you it felt like I had glass in my ass just waiting to come out.  Oh god was it painful?  I had to keep the bong in the bathroom and the puke bucket.   I made it through those worst parts and all that straining would result in more rabbit pellets. Then finally yesterday around 4am -ish; the levees broke and I had two amazing blowouts!  I felt so relieved because again I was going through yet another scary blockage in which I had no idea my intestines would ever work again.  I am always going to face  this for the rest of my life for ever how long it may be.  

I spoke with my social worker this week and she feels that I am one strong ass woman to be able to handle the stresses that I handle and just a year ago I was going through the whole "Denial" stage of accepting death.  Yes, there are stages that sick people go through before they die and I have gone through about 3 stages or I'm in stage 3 (so I am told).   If it happens, it happens; I just don't want it to be painful but I still fear and hate the thought of leaving my knight in shining armor.  I can't do it; I have to keep fighting for him and so many others who are also battling this disease.  It sucks to even think about but it is still fresh on my mind.   It's just further proof that we have to make the most of every moment we have here because time is limited.   None of us know when our time is up and I know that I say this all time but we all know that this is true.  

I lost a friend (well he was more Jimmy's friend but I grew attached to him) about 2 or more weeks ago that we used to call Punk Rock Tom.  He knew and saw all the bands that I used to love to skate too back in the 80's; he's seen the Germs, GG Allan, Circle Jerks, Misfits, Subhumans, (in NY no less and of course slammed at those shows); he told the most amazing concert stories I have ever heard and had been through the ringer and then some with his health.  He had had about 3 heart attacks and faught and beat cancer.  He knew all too well what I have suffering with.  He left behind a loving little 5 or 6 year old son that he loved with all his heart.  What a great daddy and he loved his wife just as much but she couldn't handle his health problems and left him.  I don't see how but I didn't know the situation she was in.  I know there is no way in hell I would ever leave my honey if he were going through what I go through and so much more!)  I wouldn't be able to live with myself.  Anyway, he died of a broken heart; true he is not suffering anymore but I do feel gifted to have known him.  Here is a photo of him with him on his bike with his son.  He used to work in slaughterhouse and that's where he got the horns for his ultra cool helmet.  He also kept his mohawk shaved to show his amazingly beautiful dragon tattoos on his head.  What a cool dude he was!  Please excuse the quality of that photo; it was taken with my stupid iPhone and not my D80.  Love you Punk Rock Tom and I will always miss you!

I don't know how so many people can live and be so greedy or that the media has to make such a big deal out of these greedy people who rip others off.  Why not make a big deal of those who give them selves to help others?  That's inspirational or those who survive the inevitable?  How can they sleep at night knowing that one day they will have to face what they did; or at least I hope they do.  Yes, I have 0 tolerance for laziness, selfishness, and greedy people.  I don't understand them or why they feel that all hursts are equipped with U-hauls that can take their prized possessions with them should something horrible happen them?  I don't understand the need for massive consumerism when there are so many doing with out?  I was never raised to be that way.  I was always taught that there is power in numbers and those people that I chose to help out were those who would go the extra step to help themselves get out of the situation they were in and to not expect others to  have care for them for life.  Don't be a burden to society!   We are all here for a purpose and it's not about being lazy; its about getting things done that will help others in the long run.  I believe in a future for our kids (I don't have any kids but I do love all of my friends kids and want the best for them).  My apologies if this paragraph makes no sense but it does come from my aching heart. 

One good thing about all of this is that my husband is loved by all of his friends who are willing to do so much to help him help me.  I don't know how the new law is going to benefit us especially since so many have been donating to our cause; we haven't had to purchase any cannabis in a few years.  I don't think there is a greedy person around who would argue our case that I don't deserve getting free handouts of weed especially since it has been helping me so much with the horrid heart burn pains I have been getting from trying to be norml and eat something.   It is the one miracle medicine that is helping keep me alive and I'm super glad that the laws are finally becoming more lax about it.  We can finally attempt to put those evil gangs out of business and therefore make it less dangerous on our society and give others a choice between alcohol and pot.  It is the obvious safe choice and Americans do deserve to have a safer alternative.  It's saving my life and I do feel my life is worth saving.  

I do feel that the right thing we can do about health care is to provide it for those who really need it; kind of like catastrophe insurance, when you don't expect the health problem that you get.  No one should ever fear loosing their home over their life.  It's wrong and I can't fathom those who feel that health care is wrong for people who need it.  It's inhumane to not offer it to those who really need it; how can people just decide someone's life is not worth saving?  I go into the emergency room all the time and I see how caring those nurses and doctors can be towards me and I never ever take for granted the health care that I have currently.  We don't have to worry like most Americans and I remember growing up and getting hurt and not being able to go in and get checked out because we didn't have insurance when I was a kid.  We couldn't afford it and when we did; we had to do with out a lot of things.  I'm OK with my money being spent to save other lives and to educate other children even if they don't belong to me.   

Well today I hope to ride my bike with my honey skating along sexily ahead of me with Blue Belle.  I'm hoping some exercise will help my heart become stronger; I know it is full of love and that seems to help it sometimes just knowing that.  Peace and Love to all of you!)