The Scary New Year....

My sincere apologies for the language I'm going to get off my back (tumors) and spew but it's totally necessary.  I've been hurting quite a bit these last couple of days.  Yes, these last couple of days have been trying to say the very least; I have been having the most horrible cancer pains in my back, abdomen, and then these horrific pain spasms in my asshole!)  Why  do I have to have cancer in my precious asshole?  It's just not fair.  I'm not an asshole to anybody; I don't think I am? What's up with that?  Is that any dignified way to die?  Why do I have to have shitty, crappy things go on with my body?  Don't get me wrong, I'm still smiling and laughing at some of these predicaments I get myself into; but sometimes enough is enough, although the pain is nothing at all to laugh at.   I have not had a poop in over 2 weeks now and its kinda sorta scaring me and I've dropped more weight? I am now weighing in a 91.5lbs which is a bit more scarier than before.    I am so weak that I can barely make it up the stairs now and am sleeping a lot more; it seems I'm always sleeping.   That's why I have barely gotten online to check on all of you!) 

Well the two of us did have a fabulous  little Christmas together and I was so  thankful to have been able to cook us an excellent little Christmas meal for both of us on Sunday.  I had  just a few bites of Cornish game hens,  (there is no way I could have cooked an entire turkey!) excellent dressing, (I accidentally got Turnips instead of my honey's  favored Rutabagas; they still turned out excellent!); The whole mashed potato mixture contained boiled Turnips, Cauliflower, and baby multicolored potatoes, and of course Turkey gravy and canned cranberry sauce to compliment our wonderful meal together!).  I wasn't able to hold everything in or gain all the weight that I had hoped and prayed to gain!)   Blue Belle even gained weight from the medication the vet had prescribed to her.  She gained a whole pound in 1 week while I lost about 10lbs.   How does that  happen?  I saved one of the game hens so that I could more easily give her those pills that I would never want to force down her throat.  Instead she wolfed down a small piece of chicken containing her medicine each day this week.  We still have a few more pills that she's working on finishing; but we have not caused her any stress in giving her medication.  The only stress she has felt is having a damn thermometer shoved up her ass!  I do fondly remember how much she hates one of those cold things shoved up her ass!)  It's so unpleasant to her but my honey said she did better the second time around.   He ear puffed up again the day we brought her back to the vet (for the check up and now she has another appointment on the 4th (maybe for surgery?), we don't know yet.  Either way her broken ear will somehow get fixed or forever be a broken ear?(. 

As for me and my health problems which seem to never end; the puking has not stopped completely although I can do little things that help for a couple of hours for pain.  I still smoke my occasional joints that help with pain, muscle spasms (Volcano Vaporizer).  I don't think I could have made it this long with out my beloved Cannabis medicine.  It's definitely made my life more easier to tolerate with the pain and suffering.  I just wished other patients were able to utilize this powerful medicine as well.  I hate knowing that others in other states are suffering all for their politician's greed.  That's pretty much what it amounts to is greed.  They allow the dying and suffering all for greed.; someone else's definition of quality of life?  Which is basically materialistic things like a bigger house, another home, a yacht, a private jet and so much more; just pure evil greed.   They will never be able to take any of that shit with them when they are gone; I do know this as I'm facing death right in the face!   NO a patient may not utilize medicinal cannabis and no they may not have a better quality of life; they may only take hard core pain medicines?   How can someone so full of greed and hatred make those kinds of decisions for others who truly need to stop suffering in pain?  I can't believe how we worry so much about prisoners who have death sentences more so than we do our own citizens who on hospice care or are sick and dying?  I don't understand this completely but I sure hope it changes one day soon.  Our country needs more Peace and Love!  You have to have been able to love fully in order to enjoy this life.

I'm still trying to eat although today I've been feeling quite a bit nauseated as my sweetie is helping me sooo, sooo, very much in giving me my intravenous dosings of Zofran (Ondansetron Injection- 4mg).    I made it through my 8 year Cancervary (Nov. 15th), my 8 year wedding anniversary (Dec. 3rd) my honey's birthday and then Christmas and now New Years seems to be a bit scary for me as I watch my body start to deteriorate right in front of me.  I hardly have any muscle tone in my legs and am having a hard time getting up the stairs or even getting dressed.   

Today, the Chaplain (social worker from hospice) may be visiting me and finding out if I am more ready for my transition to the next life/journey.  Death can be very scary for most of us when in reality it is very natural; we will all have to face this inevitable fact; some of us much sooner.  I'm thankful for each and every moment of life that I'm given because at any point my body could just give out.   I hate the thought of just leaving all of my loved ones; especially my soul mate.   I just can't bear it!  I love him so much and just thinking about what's going on with me makes me cry a river of tears.    We have had so many great years together and then these types of moments where I feel like such a helpless shit as he waits on me hand and foot with everything I could possibly need.  I wish I could do so more for him because he really deserves it.   He is more of a man than any man I have ever met and will always be my own personal hero and of course the very  best friend I could ever ask for!)  How can our  love end this way I wonder?  How come we can't have more fun in the snow?  I'm so weak and seeing all this snow makes me sad and reminiscent of all the fun pure powder day my sweetie and I have enjoyed together.   I'm so thankful for all the great memories I have and how I wish we could make some more.  I did see the news and noticed that we lost a young snowboarding princess this weekend and I only wish that I could go that way!  I have always thought that I would rather Die having fun than to  die a sick death.  When you die sick it doesn't seem that your life is noticed at all at least in the media.  Just a small blurb in the Obituaries section and that is it.  It doesn't stop there, I'm loved by so many here;  I know I won't be forgotten here!  There is so much love here and I very grateful for all this love!)  Let's hope 2011 will be the year that the cure for all cancers was found; an end to Corporate greed over human lives. 

What sucks sometimes is that I still wonder why I was chosen to suffer so much how come such a great couple like us was not allowed the happiness of being able to have a family together but instead of kids, we got cancer?   I wouldn't want to wish this on anyone although I still think of the evils of our last Administration and their greed.  Why doesn't cancer affect those who are totally evil?  Why is it often coined "the nice person's disease?".   If I could just give this disease to anyone, I would definitely pick Dick Cheney.   Sure he has suffered some with heart disease, but the damage he did to our country and so many millions of lives; he deserves so much more.  Pure and total evil is how I would describe him.  OK enough with the politics.  What an evil, evil subject and of course the most evil man ever!

How am I going to beat this?  Oh it just might not happen but I can't help but choose to live each day I'm given and to try my best to do as much as I possibly can each day.  I've been sitting in front of the television way too much but I'm so weak; I've tried to read some books but my eyesight is not improving; it's getting kinda blurry?  My head starts to hurt and then I start feeling dizzy and then I fall asleep for more hours?!  I just read this little brochure put out by Hospice on the process of dying.  "Gone from my Sight".   The one to two weeks prior to death; I'm supposed to become disoriented which I have not felt much of yet so I hope I have more time.  I get these pains in my chest and then my heart just races and then it scares the living crap out of me; Oh god how I wish I would crap my pants from that; I really do need too!).  But anyway, I have been sleeping a lot more and when others sleep their bodies are energized, mine will be preparing my weak little body for my next journey (Death).  Its kind of fascinating how the body does all that it needs to do for all of life's processes.  I had no idea but its happening.  My body is just like a skeleton with skin now; no muscles anymore.  I can't do any weight gaining shakes without vomiting everything out.  Nothing seems to be working but I'm still grateful as ever to have so many loving souls around me.  

I'm definitely not feeling like eating much but I do feel incredibly dehydrated and drinking the living shit out of these Key Lime sodas that I've been craving.  Yep, still craving pickles; although lately that's about all I'm craving for right now?  Sometimes mashed potatoes; went through some killer cravings for cheese and whole milk!?  I'm still doing TPN and we almost didn't last night because it just seemed that I was that close to death from the severe pains and not being able to catch up on the pain.  It was horrible last night and I feel so bad stressing my poor honey out like that!  He does not deserve that at all!)  He's so wonderful and I just can't say enough about him!)  He really is the most amazing man ever!  Each day I spend with him makes me feel so much more and more in love with him than ever!  I never thought I would ever find true love like this and to know that my days with him may be numbered makes me feel very sad.  I hope he is able to move on and become happy once again.  He deserves happiness and I know he's not happy having to deal with my impending death.  It sucks so bad.

I wish all of you a wonderful 2011 and I hope and wish that I can be around to witness such a great year.  All moments are precious; Peace and Love to all of you!)

UPDATE: I'm still fighting horrible pain in my bottom!(  I'm deeply touched by all of your responses and of course all the love that exists on my blog!  Thank you all from the very bottom of my heart.  I'm happy and grateful for all the love and support you all have given me.  I definitely do not feel like a worthless shit anymore!

My honey and I have been shocked at the recent developments of my body lately.  Check out the vein-age and bony arms?  It's pretty scary and shocking but it's what's happening each and every day I survive this beast called Cancer. 

Surviving yet another Christmas!

Check out our gorgeous Christmas Tree!  It was so fun to decorate and it's also easy to take down too!  Its not at all like all the other Christmas trees.  This is Tonto's pride and Joy!  He hates it when we have to take it down so we may keep it up as long as we can.

Boy did I prove my doctors wrong!   I guess I proved that I'm more than some milk carton that has expired; my expiration date keeps on rolling forward; maybe in reality I'm really spoiled?.   It  sure wasn't expected at all that I would survive this long and with  each passing day being a blessing as I witness myself wake up each and every morning next to my loved ones.

Sometimes I have to wake up to a very loud demanding kitty cat  crying at me and then making biscuits with his paws on my pillow in hopes that I will wake up.  It's the sweetest  little things that happen in my bed in the morning until  he starts getting loud and then louder as the minutes drag on for him being so starved to death!; he's just like a spoiled child if I don't wake up with in 5 minutes and feed his big fat ass.   He appears to drag a portion of his fat tummy on the ground and we are still walking him outside (actually he's walking us much like a lab would) when we can to give him some exercise and he claims this workout makes him extremely hungry.   During the day he likes to give me subtle hints of his extreme hunger by licking his empty metal food bowl.   I think he feels that it should always be full of food.  We made that mistake years ago with old Toonces.  He was a perfect weight until he stayed with a friend of ours and had one of those autofeeders that is always full of food.  He  also ate cheap catfood that gave him Cystitus.  You really have to read ingredients before purchasing because all that cheapness can cause massive vet bills!  We had to pay over $5000 for that problem.

Then I get this little Mini Collie girl  (Miss Blue Belle) who doesn't wish to be outdone by her rival sibling brother so she has to plop down in between my honey and I as we wake up together.   My mornings are so often cute with the animals displaying each of their personalities to me and then my honey who helps me get unhooked from the TPN (intravenous feeding), flushes my picc lines with Saline and Heparin so as to not leave my veins completely closed off.   If you don't flush the veins after using them for antibiotics, anti nausea medication, and then the TPN feedings then I would have to go through the misery of trying to get another picc line inserted and at this point; it's just too late for me to get this one replaced.   Everyday really is a blessing; especially if my picc line is still working.   I'm always thankful that it is!  It is really painful to get one inserted!

We had to go to the hospital on Wednesday in the infusion center where most cancer patients receive their chemotherapy treatments and so much more.  I normally go there to get my skoal container refilled and I also had to fix my picc line as it had not been working in weeks for drawing blood.   For the last 3 weeks; my poor little defenseless tiny little rolling veins  which have been getting stuck for several weeks in a row and are not really producing all the blood that is normally needed for blood samples? So then I get stuck more times for more blood?  OMG does it hurt to get stuck and then the nurse having to dig and dig and dig for my  tiny little veins which have conveniently rolled right out of the way of that needle and it seems they are keeping close eye on the needle as to avoid getting stuck all while my poor skin and bones are getting the feeling of that pricking pain!    Oh god do I hate getting stuck when I don't have a clue as to whether my veins are working or not.  Do I have any working veins I often wonder?  I cry sometimes because sometimes it just seems that I'm running out of veins.   It always seems like my veins are all broken.  How much longer can survive like this?  It's pretty scary and I have to get myself out of that state of mind quickly.


Also on Wednesday, I had noticed that Miss Blue Belle had one ear that was flipped more so than her left ear.  The left ear was flipped on the tip and the right was all the way and I checked the ear and it was swollen.  I just so happened to be speaking to my brother when I noticed this problem. He knew exactly what was wrong and had suggested that she had a hematoma on her ear which turned out to be exactly what he had predicted.    I researched it on the internet thinking that perhaps one of the neighbor dogs had bitten her ear hard enough to break a blood vessel or that Tonto could have caused it?  I have never seen him violent with her?  All of those possibilities are not even mentioned for how these things get started.   It isn't completely understood how they are started but usually occurs with intensive head shaking or ear scratching?   My brother  told me I would have to take her to the vet for either surgery or just to get it drained.   His dog seemed to get them a few times over the years.   He also suggested that I should ice her ear which I did and it seemed to help her quite a bit.  She had the saddest look on her face and she put up with me icing and massaging her ear so well.    She seemed to know that I was helping her and not hurting her.  I could tell she was very uncomfortable; so I talked gently to her as she gazed into my eyes with her pretty little face! )  She is so freaking cute!  I called the vet but could not get an appointment until the following day.  

I had just been to the vet on Monday to pick up cat litter, get a copy of Blue Belle's shot records f(or Therapy Dog International) and  to also try to get  Miss Blue Belle her kennel cough vaccination.  I could tell it was the same receptionist from Monday when I had called to get the appointment for her ear.   The receptionist at this vet clinic was not at all friendly or kind about us having to wait up 4 hours or even more just to be seen.  I don't think she liked being kept busy but she loved the power of making people wait!  It was obvious and she even had this winy tone to her voice that even though we would have an appointment it would take most of the day to get anything done on our dog?  I tried to tell her our situation in order to make it easier but she was completely and totally unphased by any of our problems.  For her it was really no big deal for anyone to  have to waste 4 hours of their valuable day waiting  around no matter what health problems clients were having.    At least emergencies were handled first.   I don't think this girl could care any less about my life and I shouldn't expect her to.   I just hope people around me can at least have a heart and I try my best to find that in others.  How big is your heart; not how big is your bank account, but how big is your heart?  That's how I judge wealth!)

  I did tell her  that I was on Hospice care and it wasn't good for me to have to wait so incredibly long just for a vaccination; she was not at all phased  at all or even that I had also told her that I had a  deadly cancer (she thought I was  totally lying)  or that she had just had me wait in the store for over 2 hours and was about to have me wait another 2 hours; just for a single vaccination?   I was pretty pissed at her but I held it all in.  I didn't let it get the best of me.  She was just young and naive, and quite possibly very selfish.   She was very negative and uncaring but the rest of the staff seemed a lot more friendlier and caring.    They really couldn't do anything and I guess I should have asked to speak with her supervisor to see if she was handling us correctly. 

I had already waited in the store for a little over 2 hours  ( I also saw other patients come and go as I was waiting) and I was  starting to feel very sick; like I needed to drain my stomach with R2.   Once my appointment came up she (receptionist) told me that I would have to wait an additional 2 hours which would have been a total of 4 hours just for one single little vaccination?  I just couldn't wrap my reasonings on why I would have to wait 4 hours just for a shot?   I just couldn't do that.   I had already waited over 2 hours just to get sick inside this office? I should have vomited  right on her desk (I kept thinking); maybe that would have changed how things were handled?  Maybe it would have woke her up?  She might have just thought that I was having a heroin fix and I needed to do my drugs?    Maybe she would be glad to get rid of me after I did that?  I left and went home, got sick and then crashed.   (this was on Monday!)

Then of course just days later; Miss Blue Belle has this problem with her ear.  Maybe she could get her shot while being seen for this problem?  My honey agreed to take Miss Blue Belle to the vet for me.  Poor little girl, she has been so self conscious about her ear and with visitors she would try to hide her deformed ear by only showing off her perfect side (left).   He took her in and dealt with the difficulties of having an appointment that was non-emergency but Miss Blue Belle felt it was an emergency since her ear just didn't look right and it was ultra uncomfortable.  Well he did bring her in but of course she wasn't able to get her vaccination for kennel cough so I will have to try and take her another time?

I am very thankful that my picc line was able to get fixed on Wednesday.  We were able to get it unclogged; finally and then I got my pain pump refilled right after that.   I wasn't exactly enjoying having the semi strange nurse come out to stick me  which does has its drawbacks.  My tiny almost non-existent veins totally and completely hate needles with a passion and they will  most often roll just like a crocodile!  Oh the crap my honey has to deal with in order to keep me alive!   It's amazing that he has done such a fabulous job each and every day.   Life is such a miracle for me!)  I look at everyone of those responsibilities that  he has to do as Christmas gifts.  He is giving me life everyday and that to me is the most precious gift anyone could ever give me.   I love how he takes care of me each day as it seems it's appreciated more and more!)   He really wanted to buy me something special for what is turning out to be my final Christmas.  I lost another 5 lbs which I am really bummed about.  It seems I have been pigging out as much as I can but then I vomit like crazy most of the time or suck it all up with my R2.

Our Christmas together has been amazing.  We went to see Black Swan which really was incredibly boring and disturbing at the same time.   Even though my honey was in pure hell,  I still had fun!   I couldn't connect with the main character at all because my personality is nothing like hers.    I did feel that Mila Kunis did an amazing job and I would be quite surprised if she didn't win Best Supporting Actress.  I do know that the Oscars normally pick movies that are often very difficult to watch, are incredibly boring, and disturbing and this one definitely fits what is usually picked!

 Most comedies never seem to make it  for nominations? and the more the movie makes one laugh; the less chance the critics like it?  In this film;   I did not fancy  the main character tearing the living shit out of her fingernails or toenails.? Her nails were bleeding and then her mom played by Barbara Hershey had these tiny little scissors and she yanked and cut her nails!  You could actually hear the clippers!  Youch!   I do know my honey's number one pet peeve is hearing nails being cut!  He was in absolute hell during those scenes; oh yes, there were more than 1 of those scenes!  This director loved grossing everyone out with sickening images of bloody finger nails being clipped with scissors!  Why not also show the main actress taking a shit and then wiping her ass clean?   It was the same effect as scraping nails down a chalkboard and then showing  the damage under the nails only it was much, much worse.  I think she might have split a toe nail after she had bounced up in the air so many times in a row?   Her big toe had a slice all the way down, had black on that same toe nail and then she ripped the nail right off?  It was horrid little injuries that made me jump and nearly turned my stomach upside down!    My poor honey was in total hell the entire time (except for the lesbo scene which he enjoyed for about 30-40 seconds of)

I do have to admit that I did enjoy the dancing, I understood the plot but for most not being familiar with Ballet; it would thoroughly bore the living shit out of those who are not familiar but I'm not much into such strict technical, rehearsed, and such disciplined  dancing for which a dancer can say "I want to be perfect" or I am perfect?  How can anyone be perfect or be expected to be perfect?  Can't a dancer invent a move to call her own or just have her own style  of dance rather than being so strict, completely rehearsed, and disciplined?    The main character was so stressed out, completely frigid with her sexuality, and totally disciplined.  Well one thing that seems to be common with some ballet dancers is having bulimia or anorexia.  They always feel that they are not thin enough and that thinness is never enough.  I look at myself in the mirror and am sickened by seeing my bones so prominently.   I didn't feel so bad that I weighed the same as Mila Kunis at the time she did this movie.  She was on one of those talk shows just the night before we watched this movie  (Christmas Eve) in that she had lost a total of 20lbs and had gotten down to 95lbs which is exactly what I weighed in at when we went to see this movie yesterday!   The funny thing about my honey and I going to see this movie is that each time the main character went to vomit my honey would check to see how I was doing and if I felt that I needed to yak too? I almost did a few times but I held my own very well during the whole movie.  I ate a little bit of popcorn which I puked up later once I got home.

We made it home; I napped and we opened up the rest of our gifts later on in the middle of the night (after midnight!).  It was great!  We still have a few more gifts coming in the mail so we can celebrate for the rest of the year!    Tonto freaked out on one of his catnip toys that one of him Grandma's had given him.  They both love Christmas and know that there are gifts for them to tear into and play with.  Blue Belle got an awesome skunk and raccoon toys which she loves to play tug of war with!  She nearly forgot about her ear being injured as she was having so much fun with her new toys.  She also got some treats and Tonto got incredibly stoned with me; he had his catnip and I had my ganga to keep me from vomiting and so far it was working very good for the pain and the nausea.   Grand daddy Purple! I'm still testing some strains a friend gave us on the pain scale of 1-10.  I have been testing on how I feel after wards.  How sleepy do I feel (does it help with insomnia?), do I feel the need to vomit and if so how much (scale of 1-10), am I hungry? How hungry am I? Do I still have pain or heartburn?, How thirsty am I (dehydration).  I think this will help in knowing what each strain does.  So far I have been using according to what problems I may have.  Having a good nights sleep has been a blessing and getting rid of nausea and the pain is equally awesome!)  Different strains really work differently.  Some strains even give me energy where I can get up, sweep and mop or do laundry and dishes?  How awesome is that?

I hope everyone had an amazing Christmas or Holidays what ever you want to call it!  I grew up calling Christmas, Christmas and most likely I'm never going to change that about me.  As long as we enjoy the days or the entire month as I have.  Hope it was filled with Love, Joy, Laughter, and great memories!)  Peace and Love to all!

Everyone deserves another chance?...

Well that one nurse who had come over last Sunday (yes, she freaked me out initially), but I gave her some more chances to redeem herself and tonight I actually got along great with her finding out that she is  a cat person who does likes my unusual kitty with a very round face.  She's actually very sweet and my honey tends to be a very good judge of character and he felt that she may survived something major in the way that she walks.  I walk pretty funny with my chicken legs and my cat walks pretty funny with his big feet and tummy that almost drags on the floor.    None of us are perfect.   I feel bad that I practically judged her as being someone different all because she more than likely was just shy or just acted a little weird towards me.  Hell I like weird people; all kinds of people make the world and country great. Sometimes, I love to  just sit in public areas  and just people  watch; its kind of facinating to me. 

Well because I am on this antibiotic; I have to get my blood drawn every couple of days and it totally sucks that my picc line is not working for blood return and we were there just last week to see about unclogging it and sure enough that nurse was able to get a blood draw out of both catheters?  How in the hell did she do that?  I had to get some more blood samples done today (yowie, owie!).  I totally despise needles; especially needles intended to be used on my poor defenseless little veins.  Oh they do roll like crazy; more rolling than Blue Belle does for a treat!

My picc line is not working at all for blood draws and she actually did a wonderful job getting blood out of my tough ass veins and I was pretty impressed; less so that other day as I was still a bit wierded out by her.  I'm glad I gave her some more chances before saying I didn't want to see her again; she isn't so bad?   I can forgive and forget pretty easily these days.  I know most people I am around genuinely care about me and how could I remain mad at anyone over stupid shit.    The blood samples have been  needed because of my antibiotic baby bottle looking thing.  It's hard to believe this little contraption actually  dispenses medicine with out the use of some pump? I have to take it twice a day and it does take about 2 hours to diffuse into my system.  Did I even use the proper terminology for that? 

This photo is of what it looks like after it has been diffused; the balloon is totally deflated and it almost looks phallic?   The photo above this one is what it looks like before it is diffused; that kind of a huge balloon in there?  I seem to be learning more and more each day about this dreadful disease that my body continues to fight with out the aid of more chemo and radiation.   All these little weird contraptions that do things for my body!)  I'm done with all that for now.  I may or may not get better; but either way I do have a journey to travel and not sure where I will be going after all of this?   I hope this antibiotic can kill this Staph Infection; there is no guarantee if it will work for mine. 

Now for the rest of my blog.  Check out my beautiful Christmas Tree!  I love it!  Tonto really loves it; he likes to see it from all angles of the house; he has been tripping a little on the lights but you can tell by his face that he loves it!)

  I do know that my blog may be incredibly scattered as I tend to write so much about how I feel and what's clearly on my mind; especially things that bother me.  Well this post will be incredibly scattered at many tend to be.  It's a rant, bitch fest if you prefer to call it that?!   It really  helps me to get everything out there and if what's in my mind could possibly help others; then so be it!  Feel free to speak your mind too in my comments section.  You would never be judged!) OK sometimes my posts might even annoy many of you but I can't help but vent about what's on my mind.   If there are those who don't like it, get offended; I am sorry,  just close the window!)  I'm not about to shut my thoughts off as long as I'm still around!) 

I'm not much into being Politically correct in any way; I don't understand why.   It just seems that many people get offended way too easily and therefore more and more rights for many of us are  then taken away.  We can't do this and we can't do that and we can't say this and we can't say that?   Are we supposed to walk on pins and needles in order to be around some certain types of people?  Why can't we just be ourselves?  We do still live in a free country supposedly?

OK, I'm not at all  about people name calling and being mean to others, but I am about making others laugh; because laughter is so important!  Life should be about happiness and enjoying our lives here!)   I feel that most people should just  get over it and not having any sense of humor or understanding of others?.  They should at least learn how to put themselves in others shoes (NO Being totally selfish and self centered!= teach kids that too!)  to better understand them rather than to be totally intolerant of them.  That's how we can better get along with others!  Give everyone a chance and if they screw up then they screw up!     Greed is what is harming our country and if people can learn how to be more giving and considerate of others perhaps then our Country can return to being one of the best countries in the world!)

Because so many have too much time on their hands, they tend to think of things that annoy them rather than "what can I do to make things better?".  If they have so much time; I do know that hospice and some animal shelters, hospitals always needs volunteers.  It would make so many of these bitter individuals feel so much better!  Giving yourself to those who really do appreciate it really feels amazing.  I felt great every time I was able to take Miss Blue Belle to visit with other patients. I can't really do that anymore and oh how I wished that I could!) It almost lit me up like a Christmas tree just to see their happiness and smiles.  Shoot, I just walk her in a shopping center and the smiles I get are just amazing!)  Yes, do something good for a change for those who feel like tromping on others rights to be free in this country!)

  Many people here in CA are mad at Motorcyclists for having such loud pipes and what scares me is that 2011 is the last year that you can get a motorcycle with loud pipes (from what I understand).  Loud pipes, as annoying as they may be (its only for just for a few seconds as they pass by= hey their lives are so totally worth it despite what many look like!), THEY SAVE LIVES!  You can't hear them, they don't get noticed and then someone looses their life.  How fucked up is that? (excuse my language but really! We are talking about someone's life.   That's the harsh truth to those in their huge SUVs with their loud children with all kinds of noises and disruptions inside their vehicle as they try to get where they are going in a rush.  I just hope and pray that there  isn't a huge spike in motorcycle fatalities because of the silly stupid law.   Hey its a very stupid law!   It's sad but I really don't feel that those lawmakers passed that law with out any considerations for those poor riders.  What about all that so many do in their cars and all of their distractions.  Phones, GPS, many have blue tooth devices and can't hear low sounding motorcycles or even notice smaller vehicles on the road.  Until their distractions are taken care of, those pipes should be LOUD!   There that's my vent about that!)

I can't believe all of the silly laws that occur when much are what we would do in the privacy of our own home is our business! What business is it of theirs if I have to use my medicine when I'm in pain? or others for that matter?  We are talking about my favorite wonderful miracle plant!)  Yes, I'm totally against raping children, taking advantage of them (actually taking advantage of anyone), harming their innocence, but as long as it doesn't involve the harming of a child.  One sitting in their own home, alone after a long hard, stressful day at work; they would be able to relax  and smoke a joint, or  even watching a good porn movie with a lover should not be a crime?   

Some people actually want to outlaw Pornography completely because they feel that its harmful for society? Just because its bad for one person; doesn't mean it's all bad for all of us?  I'm OK with Pornography that is legal (disease testing, of age participants who are willing= many have fun?)  What really is wrong with that?   Many men become addicted to pornography just as many become addicted to coffee, alcohol and cigarettes.   I don't believe that it's totally harmful for all; much of it actually helps many marriages and at times it can also end a good marriage.  Hell it's helped my own!) You can just look at the Catholic Church to find out the harm of NO sex.  In reality, most men really can't live with out it unless they get castrated.   Many are wired for sex!  I do believe that we should absolutely castrate all rapists and child molesters in my opinion= we have to castrate all male dogs right?).   I don't feel  that many are no better than dogs when they rape young children or anyone who never asked for it. 

Maybe sex is bad for one person but great for others?  Don't feel you have to ruin it for everyone else if it sucks for you?   We really shouldn't have to deprive the rest of us?   What will we be if people can't speak their minds or do fun things in the privacy of our own home?  We should have a right to our own bodies;  our own homes, they are not the property of the State or the Federal Government?  OK maybe we are?  

Punishments should fit the crime and having a joint and getting a year in prison is not at all about fitting the crime in any way.  The real question is how does that joint harm society and warrant a one year prison stint?  Do we really wish to train more violent criminals?  That's what happens when you put someone who might be very young, inexperienced in with hardened criminals who have killed and the only thing this person has done is smoke a joint?    Many states really need to rethink and rewrite their laws and do consider those draconian   punishments?

I also don't feel that drug addicts should be treated as criminals when it technically is an illness.  You can just look at a drug addict and see that they really are sick.  You can't even see their soul if they are consumed so much by addiction.   Arresting a total junkie and putting them in prison, treating them as a criminal will make them a more dangerous criminal, but if we give them treatment they will ultimately get better if they don't relapse (everyone deserves a chance), but if they do, treat them again but please don't create a more dangerous criminal!  Treatment works for most alcoholics  so why not with all non violent drug offenders?  We could actually make more room for real criminals (murderers, thieves (yes, some addicts do steal for their habits and that's not right; that's where the law get broken)  and save our states from having to cut so much into Education or health insurance.  

Despite all that I am going through; I still can't help but feel horrible for all of those patients in all of those other states where Cannabis is illegal.  This weekend was a very trying time for me.  I suffered so especially in the late hours of the night with serious, serious pain.  I could not have gone through it if it were not for my beloved "Volcano Vaporizer".   What an amazing investment that was!)  I can't say that enough.

It's even illegal for growing for industrial use even though those types of plants don't even have enough traces of THC (no one can get high on Industrial Hemp); now that is pure ignorance on our Government's behalf!   Industrial Hemp could totally revolutionize our country and get most of us back to work and even making enough money to have a home or keep their homes!)  It's green, its good, its smart, and we should NOT be importing it from other countries!  We have an excellent country where we can grow it here!)

I do know the pain and suffering that so many patients are going through and it sickens me that so many worry about those poor murderers and pure animals that are on death row?  They worry more about their rights than the rights of these poor patients it seems.  These poor patients should be offered the best medical care and if cannabis would benefit them in any way; it should be made available to them.  Denying good medicine to anyone who needs it is wrong and I have no idea how those who do feel they should be denied can even sleep at night?  This medicine has been used safely for over 10,000 years; what was so horrible that happened to this miracle plant in the last 40 years?  That's just me.  I don't feel Health Care should be a privilege as so many feel it should be (only the wealthy and not the sick?).  I would much rather pay for health care for all rather than to continue to support the failed and dumb ass War on Drugs! It's so clearly not working; just as Prohibition in the 20's and 30's worked.  It makes our country less safe than it was over 40 years ago.

Many of those on death row have NO conscious, no love in their hearts and pure hatred for life as they have clearly proved (what about the rights of those they murdered, raped, or seriously hurt?) and we worry more so about them suffering than the many hundreds of thousands of Cancer patients going through horrid chemical treatments with serious side effects that is actually real pain and suffering; not pain from being stuck by a needle; they get stuck hundreds of times.  I still cry sometimes just by getting stuck by a tiny needle?  Many patients end up dying from the treatments rather than the cancer?  I still wonder if Elizabeth Edwards died from her treatments more so than the cancer; she really was cheated out of more time.   This is just my opinion but I will be researching this further as my curiosity has grown.

I still consider myself very lucky even though my days are numbered.   One gift I hope to have by Christmas is an end to this  staph infection in my bladder and kidneys; here's to those baby bottle thingies working.  OK, now this posting was incredibly scattered and I apologize for that; but I got everything out of my mind for now; until tomorrow!  It will be a blessing once again to wake up again to another excellent day!)  Peace and Love to all of you!)