WARNING: Some of the Content here may be Objectionable to some. I have this blog labeled as "Adult Only" as a common courtesy for those who may easily be offended by Adult topics such as the Truth, Down to Earth topics, realities of living with Ovarian Cancer and/or any life threatening disease that goes along with it; Sexuality, Medicinal Cannabis, Profanity, and of course plenty of unpleasant body functions are also discussed here. This is a very tough battle for which I don't intend to hold anything back on what I am facing.

This blog is very personal and comes from the heart of a real fighting cancer patient who wishes nothing more than to live for all of those I love my own will to live, and my love of life. While sometimes I might be on heavy medication (prescribed by my doctor) and occasionally I might write about things or subjects that one may never even think about or consider; so please consider that as well. Yes; whacked out things might even be found here; but I mean everything in all good intentions.

This blog is not at all intended for the faint hearted, those who lack a sense of humor, have no idea what down to earth means, greedy mean people, and/or those who don't know how to share the world with others, and especially those who are unable to easily put themselves into the shoes of others. This blog is mostly about my journey of living my life in the best ways that I can under the Golden Rule and appreciating all of the GOOD KHARMA that comes my way! Never take anything in this world for granted; especially family and friends!

Saturday, February 13, 2010

Longest pause in Blog ever....

Wow! I have been busy dealing with lots of abdominal pain and ass pain of course for several evenings over this two week span of not blogging and even getting some company (friends and family) a few days and evenings and then I would be tired to blog.  Check me out on the Indo Board with my gastric tube just hanging out like a tiny little penis!) Yes, true I could have done the whole video blogging which I hope to do plenty of in the future.   This has been the longest I think that I have even gone with out blogging.  I sometimes would be sitting on the couch with the heating pad on my ass and in a drugged up haze from all the pain I had or had been in.   I wouldn't be able to believe how much pain I could suffer in just a few short moments (20-30 minutes before the pain medications would even start to work) Some evenings have not been so easy; but I did get a good quality of time with my mother who was able to visit me on the 9th - the 11th.  

I had some good days before my mom had arrived (we had NY Pizza, went to an Army Surplus Store, and window shopped at some Antique stores and even a feed store and some pet stores= all in one day her very last day), I had surgery on the 10th and on the 12th for my gastric tube which I will detail later on; I even had a good friend of mine from Santa Barbara come to visit and she helped me clean up my house and she brought her dog with her and we went to see the movie "When in Rome".  I give it 1/2 a star.   I don't even think I could even recommend video for this one; it was that stupid to me.  I didn't laugh one time; I was mostly irritated with the acting and storyline.  I really like movies where I can relate to the actors and I could not in this one.  This actress did exactly the opposite of anything I would do given the stupid predictable situations thrown at her.  It was not at all as funny as I had expected it to be but the best part about the movie was getting to bring our dogs in with us to see the movie (our Service Dogs / well behaved children).  

My friend has a dog that's just a little bit bigger than Blue Belle.   This is not my friend's dog but it does look just like her.   I spotted this dog at the Army Surplus store.  I wish me and my honey could do this with Blue Belle; I'm sure she would enjoy it.  This would be my friend's dog Daisy because I know she too would love to ride in a side car like this one. 

Anyway, the writers for that movie  (When in Rome) gave me the confidence that I could definitely write a much better movie. It was absolutely horrible to watch and the main actress was terrible.  She seemed cute but I think she tried way too hard to act like Meg Ryan; she seemed like she really wanted to be Meg Ryan and no one can be as cute as Meg Ryan; you have to be yourself or act in your own way; at least that's how I feel about acting; have your own style!  Don't try to be like someone else!  It was stupid as hell and I think the movie was made more for teenagers and definitely not for thirty somethings or 40 somethings; it was way to immature of a movie for us and plus there is no way I could relate at all to this movie.  So 1/2 star from me.  5 stars for the well behaved dogs we took to this movie!)

My mother and I had some fun; no bike rides; did try to get her to drive my car and she is terrible driver; I could not get her to go over 15 miles per hour and we stopped right on the road to have a conversation about me asking her to please speed it up; the speed limit was 35 after all and we had about 10 cars behind us getting frustrated.  She didn't even know how to park the car or how to switch lanes very good.  We argued horribly that finally I had to drive.  I hated having to do that with the patches on my back; luckily they were wearing off and I had not had any pain medication for the entire day except a very small joint in the car while she was driving. Hey, I needed to take the edge off of her horrible driving!).  She did drive us to a few stores & we spent a few hours at the antique stores that she did get to drive us too, but I had to drive the last stretch because I did put up with her driving for quite a while.  I maybe drove about 5 miles total and would never ever take a chance like that if I didn't feel that I was capable of driving.       Her  driving totally stressed me out to no end!  It was so damn frustrating; no matter how many times I told her how to drive my Prius she still slammed on the breaks to try to shift gears and turn on the windshield wipers?  I think her new truck is even an automatic?  How hard can it be so incredibly difficult to push the button to turn on the car,? to shift the car into gear from the dash board?  I had to do it  all for her and her foot could not for the life of her go past 15 miles per hour; OK we did hit 19 MPH once.  Even on the expressway; 18mph in the fast lane(just for a few seconds); swerving into lanes going incredibly slow and totally freaking out when a cop came up behind us (we almost hit a few cars; thank god those drivers were at least paying attention and could more than likely see what the hell they were doing!  I had to make her pull over; it just was not at all fair to the other drivers to have her out on the road.  I don't feel she can see good enough to drive.!( It worried me so and I wonder why she would never tell me that she is going blind?  I've never seen so many people shoot us the middle finger in all my life?  

She used to be a fantastic driver back in the day; what the hell happened?  Well it's apparent she is much older and has lost quite a bit of her eye site; hell she even had a cataract removed.   Anyway, enough about her driving; I guess those few days were enough for us to be around each other.  I finally did have to take over and drive because it just got way too scary for me.  I drove just fine but I won't drive again for quite a while.  I am a very, very skilled driver and have plenty of times saved my honey and my life  from many unskilled drivers and from what I did I drove us back very, very safely and all in once peace.   I have friends now that will drive me places if I ask them too.  That's why it's so good to have good friends in your life and my mom refuses to see that.   She doesn't want to have any friends what so ever.   I wonder now if that could be why God might be taking her child away and making her (me) suffer as I do?  She hasn't yet figured out the meaning of life as I may have.  My time could be over soon but I don't know for sure if it is; just when I suffer in pain do I think that.

We had so many stupid little incidents happen while she was here.  She almost broke our lock  (she would try all keys to open our door = even my bicycle lock which does not at all look like key to open up our house; we showed her the right key several times?) several times and one morning we awoke to the house smelling horribly of dog shit and then I later found out that she had used some receipt or small piece of paper to pick up Blue Belle's shit (she had lost the doggie bag we had given her earlier and I kept finding money constantly being dropped by her from keeping it all mashed in her pockets= no wonder she seems to always be broke!)  She is horribly disorganized and looses everything in site of her; I honestly don't know how she gets by?.  Anyway,  I had to dig out the dog shit and take out the trash right away that morning in order to deal with that nauseating smell.  My honey had told her several times where to put the dog poo once she had walked Blue Belle (outside= I heard and saw him do it each day she was here).   I know he must have showed her at least 3 or more times that I saw.   No remembering anything told to her; ignoring all of our requests for how we do things in our own home?  I'm just getting or taking this as "I don't care!".   Am I taking her personality too personally or are people sometimes really that "dumb".  Can I use the word "dumb" in this case?  It sure seems dumb!(  Achhhhh!

I think her brain has been damaged a lot over from years of drinking. (25-30 years)  I found this out just from watching "Celebrity Rehab" and seeing some of the brain scans of the alcoholics featured on the show; it became apparent to me that my mother does suffer quite a bit in her brain from that type of damage.  I would hate to see what her brain just might look like from all the years that she had drank from  years before I was even an adolescent until I was about 20.  

I do feel that it did quite a bit of damage to me being raised by an alcoholic who was also suffering immensely from severe depression.  There was constant disappointment for me as I was growing up having a mother who simply was not there for me.  It took me years to even forgive her for what I had gone through, but with this cancer; I had to come to terms with it.  She did quit drinking on her own back in 1990 (she claims it was the day she divorced my father -= I seem to remember it was  right after her second DUI arrest) but she is still unable to face what she has and did do to me with her drinking.  I guess I am OK with that since her depression and brain damage to herself was and is quite severe.   I  just know that I can't really bring up her drinking to her because I  know that she really does feel guilty about it and becomes completely and totally defensive (is that the right word?) but anyway she is incredibly argumentative with me if I dare bring up any wrongdoing that she has ever done to me or has ever done;  it would more than likely cause her more pain for her if I were to so;  I just  hope that by me just writing about it that perhaps another alcoholic can read this and be able to handle it like an adult and realize that a child does suffer when their parent is not around for them during those important years of growing up.   

Alcoholism is a serious disease that sometimes I don't really understand so well and that is why I do watch the show; I want so bad to understand it.  Why are addicts wired in a way that a drug comes first before any human life or blood family?  I can't understand not treating others the way that you would want to treated and to constantly be disappointing by dumb actions or at least I consider those actions dumb.  Why do they disappoint so much?  Why can't they quit so easily and say "NO" when it is apparent that this thing  that they are doing to their bodies and families is so wrong and hurtful?  If I can help others realize how important life is by me just  fighting  as hard as I am to just stay alive; maybe it can help other families learn to love each other more?; cherish each day that you do have together; don't take each other for granted.   Sometimes I think my mom takes me for granted.

I don't know but her visit with me made me realize so many things.  I do love her; but sometimes communication with her is quite difficult because I guess she feels  that she wasn't a mother for me for all those years and that now she needs to make for all those years of not being a mother to me and that now more than every and I just need for her to boss me around and to tell me how I need to treat my own husband?  She didn't have a clue how to keep her own husband so why in the hell would I follow her advice on how to get rid of my own husband?  I don't wish to get rid of him at all; in fact I am quite thankful and grateful to have him in my life.  He is my true blessing in life!) I love him with all of my heart and soul; why doesn't she at least act like she is thankful that he is in my life and taking such good care of me? 

Yes, we faught and butted heads perhaps like many parents and older children tend to do; but I feel that I do deserve credit where credit is due; it isn't my fault at all that I got this cancer and I feel that I am married to a very good man who does not deserve to be treated the way that she feels that I need to treat him.  I have to be demanding and a bitch to him?  No way! No How!  She does tell me how mad she is at him because he needs to buy me a farm (needs to buy her a farm?)?, he needs to let me park my car in the garage;? (he should move his brand new truck outside so I can park my older car inside?), he needs to do all these other things that we right now can not afford to do, is insane to do,  and so many other things that kind of  just drove me crazy and stressed me out some more.  I'm fine with our life together; in fact I treasure every single day that my husband and I wake up together; he is the most amazing man I could ever ask for.

I have never met a man with more integrity, honesty, and honor; to me he is my king and my knight in shining armor; but either way; he is untouchable.  I'm so proud of him and he makes me so happy.    I actually love our life together no matter what we have to go through with my shitty health.  We love each other more than anything and we both make sacrifices for and to each other; it can't just be a one way street in any relationship.  Sure some women believe that it is; and some men feel that the woman has to worship them; but I believe that you should worship each other.

You must first respect each other and then have trust for one another.  Trust and Respect is the most important thing to have in any relationship.  He has taught me that and it is by far the best lesson he has ever taught me.   We sure have made some great memories and lots of fun together that I think of often and it makes me smile; hell; he makes me smile every day or gives me many reasons to.   How harmful is that?

I lost lots of trust and respect for my own mother when I was growing up; life wasn't easy for her and she made sure that she reminded me of this every day and still continues to do so; it bummed me out quite a bit;.   She can be very dishonest and still has those tendencies to do just that to me and of course I have grown more and more intolerable with the dishonesty.   Each lie I still take personally but then again she does have brain and some cognitive thinking issues from all the years that she drank and maybe even from all of the medications that she is on.   She often thinks a lot of the past and how things used to be; sure I was great with animals and still am;  I just don't need to have so many animals any more.  I have all the animals that I need right now. - 2 is definitely enough!) (vet bills can get expensive even with just 2 animals)  You really can't always live in the past and mourn for the past; you have to keep living no matter what.  Sure there are many things I am very thankful to have done as a child; I did get to own a horse (rode him and her everyday and it was so much fun back then) and I got to grow up with lots of animals and that was great too; but every child needs a mother or parent figure more than anything and that's something I seriously lacked.  I had to always watch carefully and take care of my mother constantly; watching over her childlike behavior when she would get drunk or at least back then it really did seem to me like childlike behavior and lots of denial and irresponsibilities on her part.  

Sure, I had lots of responsibilities living on a farm and it taught me greatly about hard work and trying your best.  I was never afraid of any hard work whether it got me completely dirty or not; I could always somehow clean myself up.  Somehow it always felt good to me to complete an honest day's work.   I lived by that virtue everyday of my life and am incredibly proud of myself for that.  Every job I ever had; I always tried my best to be the best that I could; hard work was nothing to me and in fact I was proud to work very hard no matter what.   I always wanted to be the best that I could be at every job that I had; just to get some recognition.  I think that I craved it.  

My husband and I have grown closer and closer and I know in my heart that he loves me no matter what; it does matter to me that my mom always seems to throw my own father under the bus for years of abuse and she never would take responsibility for her own actions when I was just a child; I do know in my heart that there are two sides to every story and I do remember many things that had happened in my childhood in which she blames everything on my father and I know in my heart that her drinking was the real truth of many things gone wrong.  I will stop there; but  I do still love my mother and my family more than anything no matter how disfunctional they can be.  For now, I mostly try to be there for her especially when she is suffering from  severe depression and I know that strongly affects her mode of thinking and I also know that she needs more friendship than just myself.   I can't be there all the time for her but I do try my best. 

OK, over these weeks of not blogging; actually it was just this week, I did have some surgery (minor) to replace my gastric tube (twice).  The first surgery (Wednesday) they put in a larger in circumference tube (16mm as opposed to 14mm= I may have even screwed up the measurements but I do remember those numbers) which was funny looking tube they placed in there on Wednesday and even had this weird round plastic coin looking thing that surrounded the hole that remains on my stomach. (we could not get it to drain at all and I went through some horribly painful gas and intestinal pain (lots of crying and squealing in pain = I almost felt like a puppy who had just been kicked across the room).  My honey was there the entire time with me and I never felt more proud of him than during those moments.  He is so loving and handsome to me; he smiles so gently at me as if to ease all of my pain (some how it just does).  What an incredibly sexy man I have by my side helping me through the hardest times of my life!)  

He helps me become stronger as we continue to fight this horrible disease hand in hand.  One day there will be a cure (I just feel it in my heart and soul) and I feel it will involve getting our bodies strong enough to battle getting those killer cells out of our body.  If only researchers could find more ways to strengthen the body rather  than poison it; we would be in some great shape!  The side effects alone (chemotherapies) have had some horrible side effects for me and many have landed me in the hospital nearly killing me each time and now I have tubes in my body from my intestines torn to pieces from those very chemicals.   I'm alive and kicking and will continue my fight!)

Peace and Love to all of you and I hope to have another video blog soon!

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Anonymous said...

hi jayne,
im sorry you had a difficult visit with your mother. i had hoped it would be a good one! that picture of the dog in the side car is so cute, and daisy would love it! send me the pictures we took when i was there, id love to show dale.
hang in there and ill call you this weekend and check in on you. ill be back the weekend of march 12th and we can see a MUCH BETTER movie this time!
love to all of you,
p.s. call me for anything

Anonymous said...

Wow, sometimes when I read your blog it is like looking in a mirror. I too have ovarian cancer and had an alcoholic mother that was always depressed and in denial. She sounds so much like your mom. I also have an amazing husband that stands by me no matter what and I am there for him. I was worried that you had gone back into the hospital but glad to see you back on your blog.

Take care....

l'optimiste said...

yay! you're back! love the photos! :o)

nat said...

I'm sorry that the visit wasn't the best. I hope some healing came from it.

Love your pictures! I can't wait to see your next video blog too!

Take care CJ

Levi said...

Glad to read your post and all the happenings in your life. I think I've driven behind your mom before.
just kidding.

Very funny though.

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My techniques and treatments work simply for me and may not produce the same results for others. Cancer is a very tricky disease in which it is very different in everyone it touches. No two cancers are the same just as we humans are not the same. What works for me may not work for others.

I love life and expect to live for as long as I can. I intend to use those treatments that do work for me which includes medicinal cannabis. I'm still alive with this disease over 7 years later because of this miracle plant and as long as I have my medicine available; I intend to survive many more years. I hope one day the Federal Government will eventually grow up and be led by true leaders who represent the people and not just coorporations; real people who live by the Golden Rule "treat others how you would want to be treated". I also hope the Government of the US can finally learn to admit that it has made a mortal mistake in making this life saving plant which is provided by GOD and does indeed have the ability to provide all of us with food, fuel, clothing, shelter, and medicine; a mistake that have made is that it is illegal. Yes, it was a mistake out of greed, ignorance, and racism that this miracle plant is illegal. This is a confirmed fact and we should all know and face it.

Cannabis is not at all harmful and in fact quite the opposite. Perhaps our economy can once again grow as it has in the turn of the century by making this life saving plant legal once again.

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