WARNING: Some of the Content here may be Objectionable to some. I have this blog labeled as "Adult Only" as a common courtesy for those who may easily be offended by Adult topics such as the Truth, Down to Earth topics, realities of living with Ovarian Cancer and/or any life threatening disease that goes along with it; Sexuality, Medicinal Cannabis, Profanity, and of course plenty of unpleasant body functions are also discussed here. This is a very tough battle for which I don't intend to hold anything back on what I am facing.

This blog is very personal and comes from the heart of a real fighting cancer patient who wishes nothing more than to live for all of those I love my own will to live, and my love of life. While sometimes I might be on heavy medication (prescribed by my doctor) and occasionally I might write about things or subjects that one may never even think about or consider; so please consider that as well. Yes; whacked out things might even be found here; but I mean everything in all good intentions.

This blog is not at all intended for the faint hearted, those who lack a sense of humor, have no idea what down to earth means, greedy mean people, and/or those who don't know how to share the world with others, and especially those who are unable to easily put themselves into the shoes of others. This blog is mostly about my journey of living my life in the best ways that I can under the Golden Rule and appreciating all of the GOOD KHARMA that comes my way! Never take anything in this world for granted; especially family and friends!

Thursday, February 26, 2009

Am I loosing weight or not?

Well that has certainly been the question and I hope that I haven't pushed myself too hard. OK what did I do these last couple of days? Well I did something that I love; I had the opportunity to use a nicer camera than what I have to video tape an event. I stood up for many hours and video taped and I'm not used to standing so long; I should have gone the distance and tried to get myself some more water but I didn't know where it was (the location where I videotaping).

No excuses; I was lazy and therefore I suffered and am now blocked because I was not diligent enough to get myself water when I had the opportunity to do so. Now just 2 days later; I am blocked. I wasn't then; in fact I was going to the bathroom pretty much all day long (#2 every 2-3 hours and of course my endless peeing). I had quilted fiber glass and I was diligent enough to handle that problem. Imagine having to deal with going #2 in public places as often as you pee? Be very glad if you don't.

Now this is why my site is Adult Only. I discuss these often embarrassing and very unpleasant side effects of having Advanced Ovarian Cancer and going through lots of chemo; these are the things that many cancer patients may not wish to discuss but for me it is a way of life. It is part of my survival and a reminder that I am still alive. I imagine many other patients might have the same problems (colon cancer patients and others with advanced cancers). If its spread to the colon then yes you just might be experiencing what I am experiencing.

Well I was very tired when I got off work and so much so that I couldn't sleep. It was FAT TUESDAY and I didn't drink any alcohol and instead I took a Unisome and attempted to sleep unsuccessfully. I kept waking up in the middle of the night to pee and poo of course as I watched the late hours of the night drift on closer to 5:45am. It's recommended that I do go #2 so very often (my doctor recommends it) and I'm OK with that. I hope one day with all this natural treatments and such that I can get my intestinal problems fixed and I can once again be able to go normally. That's apparently a little too much to ask right now.

I don't care anymore if someone comes into the restroom and is disgusted that I am taking a shit; I'm totally fine with it. I totally fine with taking a big stinky shit!) We all do it; I'm so glad I'm doing it; if I'm not I'm in serious trouble. What a fine fabulous day for me even though I am shitting 24 /7.

I just don't want a shit bag just yet. Yes, it literally scared the living shit out of me. Oh, will that mean my new nickname will be "shitbag"? Will often irritated drivers yell at me calling me shitbag for driving like Grandma? Hell I could just unplug it and throw it at them if they did. I guess I could easily show them what a Shitbag I could actually be! I wonder if an incident such as that would make others often change their shit bag ways of calling complete strangers "shitbags"; if a real colostomy bag full of shit lands on their windshield. I will face what I have to face because dog it; I love life that much! If I have to be a shitbag then so be it; or a puke bag. Either way, I'm focused on the good in my life!

OK back to my evening of taking a crappy Unisome to sleep on Tuesday evening. It didn't work very well; however I awoke with the worst raging headache the very next morning. OMG! It sucked. I felt that I could not get myself to miss the team building event (Wednesday) that I also helped put together. I got myself out of bed and to work in one peace. I took several Ibuprophens which did help some with that raging headache but I still felt quite burnt (tired and partially exhausted). Well the event turned out awesome and then I went home and crashed and I crashed hard. Poor Miss Blue Belle was all confused. She jumped up on the bed right next to me and layed down purposely to lean on me so that I would be sure to notice her warm presence. I should definitely feel her weight and her soft warm fur on me. I pet her for a bit and just crashed. I closed my eyes at 4:20pm and awoke at 9:38pm when my patient husband came upstairs to check on me. He had apparently came home hours earlier and noticed I was konked out to the world. He quietly took Miss Blue Belle out to potty and to play for a little bit before going to the neighborhood bar to watch the beloved Sharks. They lost and didn't play very well. No bad news here! He got to see them play and that's good enough for me and him.

As for work, I can't help but want to be around to help out. I love the opportunity just help others at work to make their job easier and most of all less stressful. I had one co-worker today tell me that I inspire her greatly and that meant a lot to me just to hear that.

Well this week hasn't been an easy week but I was so happy just to be around to help because all of these times of being sick and not around to help out had also made me feel useless. I just wanted to prove that I am not useless anymore. That's the honest truth. I really can't help but feel that way when all of sudden something terrible happens with my health where I am rushed to the emergency room and forced to take 2 weeks off work suddenly and at sometimes it was as much as 3 months off work.

I actually felt guilty each time my health failed. Even though other co-workers and even my boss always seemed to assure me that "we want you around more so do take care of your health; please don't feel bad". I still can't help but feel horrible when things do go wrong. My job is rewarding in that I work with so many great people. They actually make me look forward to coming to work; just to be around them.

One very cool thing about my Cancer is that it sure makes me think and feel the stories I have always been told about Jesus, in that I can relate to most people and I can never judge people by what they wear or what they drive or even what they look like. I don't care how big, how small, how tall, how famous, and so on they are. I just can't do that. You really do miss out on knowing someone wonderful when you miss out on the most important part of anyone is knowing how wonderful their heart and soul is. People only show you sometimes what they wish to show you and the rest you have to figure out.

Most of the time I choose to only see the good in most people (if they are bad I move on until I meet again and they can prove they have changed as a person). I know (it's far less stress); don't get me wrong; I do see horrible things in lots of public figures which I will not mention names right now. This blog is about good people so I can't go there here. Yes, I have in past posts; and yeah it felt good to especially during the election. I could just laugh at how silly many are. My blog about good kharma which really means the most to me right now. Bad people need not be discussed here; they are not worthy enough here; not right now.

Today at work I felt incredibly nauseated and wasn't even able to finish my lunch. I really need to gain some more weight and now I'm hearing of a huge stomach virus going around. I can't imagine catching it and loosing more weight or the feeling of throwing up with this pain in my intestine. I have had 2 conflicting scales; one (home) which weighs me in at 123.5 with out clothes and 126 with and then at the work gym scale, I'm 131 which isn't that much; only 2 lbs more than when I was weighed about a month ago when my doctor was concerned about weight loss.

Well I just got home and am now starting to feel so much better (I smoked a bong hit!). More proof in the powers of natural medicine. My cannabis is currently enabling me to not have to get a colostomy or ileostomy (ill-e-ost-omee) bag for right now. I was just able to drink my nasty prune juice (with a delicious Acai Berry Emergen-C) and plenty of water and of course the Miralax. I only have the nasty cheap blackish prune juice right now that really turns my stomach to try to drink if not stoned. The pain I have been having appears to be coming from the right side of my abdomen (it actually feels as if I do have a block and I can kinda sorta feel my intestine which feels a little too hard= scary huh?). It's so cool to be able to realize this because I am getting the hang of this and how to fix.

I know now when I am blocked; I must drink more water and I wasn't able to much today because I felt so nauseated. I was afraid that I would. The scary part of it all was that my intestine felt really sore and come to think of it; it also felt sore yesterday when I woke up after having that horrible useless sleeping pill that didn't work at all. How do those drugs get approved? Are they really over the counter hangover pills only you buy them to get a hangover instead of getting loaded the night before disguised as sleeping pills?

The cannabis is currently helping a lot with the soreness of this pain on the right side of my abdomen that almost felt as if I needed to start wearing a girdle (my guts coming out). Now don't get me wrong; I've been having some great days but then I get those occasional slaps in the face that yes, this disease is still here; possibly killing me and hopefully I can make it go far, far way one day!

I'm mostly praying and hoping that this blockage will resolve itself and the horrible soreness I had been feeling heals from all of the aloe juice I plan to inhale which will begin to make my intestine heal. Could that happen? We will see.

My honey came home from watching the hockey game (we really need a new TV!). I gave a big kiss and then made him a quick meal. He was starved when he arrived and I had not even started working on his meal; a grilled ham and cheese sandwich (Provolone and smoked ham with marble rye) - He loved the sandwich! and for soup we only had Organic Lentil soup. He had in stitches as he told me of his butthole problems and having to go to the bathroom twice. The same tennis shoes twice and what are the odds of two male employees taking a shit twice together? He asked me if the lentil soup was going to make him go all day at work? I don't think he liked the way the soup looked. He said "Is that what it's going to look like when it comes out?". I lost it. That's reason #5,986,345 on why I love my husband. He always makes me laugh!

After he finished his meal; he saw that I was starting to feel more pain as I smoked some more out of the bong and drank more Miralax, electrolytes, prune juice and water. I calmed down some but I just couldn't help but feel frightened of the inevitable and having to get a puke or shit bag attached to me permanently. I'm reminded of this because of the soreness and tenderness I feel on the lower right side of my abdomen. My honey came over and tried to feel and guage my abdomen as I shrieked in pain when he touched that seriously tender spot. I cried in fear as he walked over to me. We both just hugged each other and I cried in his arms scared of the inevitable. He too is scared but stood strong and held me in his arms. Together we can move mountains and we can get through this little rough spot together; hell we have gone through many and I imagine we are not done yet!


test said...

hello sweetie - on the 'not feeling useless' front - don't EVER feel useless! your blog for one is very very useful to a lot of people - the way you just keep on keeping on and refuse to be crushed by this horrible disease - it's great. And your sense of humour? hahah - your 'shitbag' comments cracked me up!

nat said...

Your last paragraph truly touched me - as my husband and I have clung together in the face of despair and fear, many times as well.

I do know a few people with the 'ostomy's' - and you really can't tell that they have one. They still do everything that they used to do. That being said, I totally understand NOT wanting one - and I also hope that these vitamins/additives help you in avoiding that!

Movie & TV Show Preview Widget


My techniques and treatments work simply for me and may not produce the same results for others. Cancer is a very tricky disease in which it is very different in everyone it touches. No two cancers are the same just as we humans are not the same. What works for me may not work for others.

I love life and expect to live for as long as I can. I intend to use those treatments that do work for me which includes medicinal cannabis. I'm still alive with this disease over 7 years later because of this miracle plant and as long as I have my medicine available; I intend to survive many more years. I hope one day the Federal Government will eventually grow up and be led by true leaders who represent the people and not just coorporations; real people who live by the Golden Rule "treat others how you would want to be treated". I also hope the Government of the US can finally learn to admit that it has made a mortal mistake in making this life saving plant which is provided by GOD and does indeed have the ability to provide all of us with food, fuel, clothing, shelter, and medicine; a mistake that have made is that it is illegal. Yes, it was a mistake out of greed, ignorance, and racism that this miracle plant is illegal. This is a confirmed fact and we should all know and face it.

Cannabis is not at all harmful and in fact quite the opposite. Perhaps our economy can once again grow as it has in the turn of the century by making this life saving plant legal once again.

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