Sharing the world with others and road rage...

 Here is another photo by Elena Zhukova and her brilliant eyes at Photography!)  I'm still stoked that  I got to ride my beautiful bike with my younger brother and we had a blast; so much so that he bought himself a cool new cruiser so he could get in shape at home.  He will be back in 2 weeks.  I'm so glad I found him something fun to do at home.  I'm so proud of my brother for finding that one thing that makes him happy and that's grooming dogs.  He passionately loves his job.  I'm so glad he is happy.  He's done it for over 20 years of his life and I helped him.  I was working at this small vet clinic and he had been working his butt off at this fast food restaurant; I told him to come on over; I was bathing and clipping dogs there already and once he came, the rest is history.

I've also had a blast riding my bike with my dad; we even encountered a very greedy woman who was not the least bit interested in sharing a 5 ft wide side walk with a gorgeous, beautiful bike  ridden by a terribly thin, skinny, anorexic looking sick woman; she wanted me to ride on Winchester Boulevard (on the actual road where cars whip in and out and there's NO bike lane!  How freaking dangerous am I'm supposed to be taking good care of myself while Hospice is not there?  Why should I be risking my fragile life on that major highway with a number of crazy drivers flying past at all speeds; well both me and my dad needed to be on the sidewalk at this time sharing with the pedestrians; we had been riding with traffic or riding in the same direction as traffic so that we were better able to watch out for pedestrians and we also used our bells to announce our presence so that someone  like her could easily turn around and then notice  that we were riding up behind and that she could easily maneuver around us with her  walking legs.  It all started as she got off the bus and we had stopped to let her go and then we rode along behind her for a few uncomfy inconsiderate moments (she knew we were behind her but ignored us until I rang my bell) I finally decided to ring my bell gently to let her know that we were riding very patiently behind her and she turned around and scowled at me and then told me "you need to ride that on the street", I told her "No way, I have advanced cancer and definitely not with my skinny frail weight with out a bike lane",  "share the road with others" I told her as I forced my way past her! "End your Road Rage!" I chanted back to her!   I held onto a little bit of self satisfaction for my infantile reaction!)  At least I can laugh it off!)  Maybe she won't be so mean to the next person she crosses on her personal  sidewalk?

Well I have been hearing more and more about how road rage is popping up everywhere (it's been happening steadily more and more over the years) and how people are just going crazy getting behind the wheel and just owning the road from everyone else; when they need to share the world with others; they take driving right down to a personal level when someone seemingly cuts them off; then they take it very personal; as if this other person has some vendetta against them; even though they have never spoken to this other soul/ other driver who hates them and they have to show them some sort of life lesson? they feel that person's life is worthy of ending right there and they are the ones to take them out to learn a personal life lesson all the way from inside a car?

Now how in the hell is that going to happen inside a 5000+lbs car?    "Oh NO they just disrespected me!" when in fact this other person just saw an opening to an exit that they needed to take and that they feel that they have to cross here not realizing they are crossing in front of Mt. St. Helen's  (some angry crazy person who owns the entire highway; no one can cross in front  of me ; "NO" this person's life is not worth me putting on my brake so suddenly?   Sometimes we need that little wake-up call of someone passing in front of us to remind us that we are not alone in this world.  Sure that person's life is worth sparing; they don't have to miss their exit because of little old me.  So what, they forgot to use their signal?  They are not NOT using their signal to disrespect us; they have other things on their mind and you don't have to show them with those aggressive horn honking or protesting to remind them not to be so uppity towards you!) of this person; it messes up their order of respect somehow?  when in fact this other peaceful loving person is just  more or less just thinking of getting home early enough to catch their child's game of soccer, football, or a gourmet meal their wife has just prepared for the them; what ever it may be; its not as personal as you may think.  They didn't cut you off to sabotage your life?  I wrote this article a few years ago for my Shoppingkharma site which I closed down a few years ago as well but found it might be useful since I do have a passion for ending all Road Rage.  It's not much of the article, but most of what is important and of course I have updated most of it.    I think its very wrong so here it is!)

Road Rage - How to Combat Aggressive and even dangerous driving

I think my wisdom can be used in this subject matter.  I've been flipped off many a times for being grandma driver, or asshole driver?  I don't care, whatever!)  You get over it and you live on!)  Road rage can be extremely dangerous and even deadly.  1 second could change your life for the worst if you don’t get a handle on it.  Yes, imagine that; one second everything in your life is good and then bammm!  Your life can change just like that!    Imagine being sued for a life lost because of an accident that could have been prevented?  I hope I can help you if you find that you answered yes to any of the following: - but don’t worry there are solutions.

You like to leave much later than usual and you seem to always be in a hurry to get where ever you wish to go.  If this is true, think about this.  What is the worst that could happen to you if you are late?  Would being late be worse than getting into an accident, being shot by someone, getting into an argument, getting arrested, or better yet, cause physical damage to your car and further delaying you. I live kind of in the ghetto so this is reality in my neighborhood but I do have many wonderful neighbors who never even consider being so mean.  Yes, I said it; Road Rage is very mean and rude towards others.  I've dabbled in road rage and find it not to be very satisfying for my soul!) 

Are you in a hurry to live your life?  Well I sure as hell am not!  I hope you're not?  You shouldn’t be.  Life is something that should be treasured everyday wherever you are. Hell taking a shit everyday is a blessing to be thankful for!)

Do you often sit in traffic and take it personal when someone cuts you off (causes you to have to brake suddenly).  Always remember that when you do take the time to brake for that person and no matter how mad you are at that person for making you brake or doing something that may not seem that bright, that person’s life IS worth braking for no matter what; that person has a family waiting at home for him/her.  You may not know this person, but someone out there adores that person and if they are killed, someone will miss this person who ever that is.  Imagine if it were a young teenage who isn’t quite an experienced driver.   Many teenagers after just a few weeks feel they are experienced and don't feel you need to teach them any lessons; oh they will learn many lessons out on the road.  They may act like a little SOB hothead but no matter what there are those parents who love him/her no matter what and your life will change drastically if something horrible happens to this kid; so just be careful.  Driving defensively is the best way to drive and avoid any kind of accident.

Here you can see me sitting next to my "R2"; R2 sucks my gut when I get blocked which is practically all the time.  It can suck a lot out that I don't puke up.  I'm doing OK for now; handling pain on a daily basis and thankful for all the moments that I don't much feel the pain.  My tummy hurts horribly if I vomit more than 5 times a day; I combine 3 drugs for pain: Dilaudid, Methadone (both prescribed by hospice care), and Pot (recommended by my doctor and hospice care).  Those 3 work in their own separate ways.  Another reason why I don't drive anymore.  So all of you who currently drive; you are very lucky; don't ruin it with something as dumb as road rage.  Man I have seen some scary, scary videos of people with their road rage.  I had to say something because it is wrong and crazy. 

Back to this road rage:  If your commute happens to be a long one and someone keeps cutting you off to make it slower; don't yell or loose your patients; all time is precious.  Would you rather be sitting on the road waiting in traffic listening to your  ipod or MP3 player, with your favorite playlists, or Satellite Radio; they can seriously calm you  while in the car or would you rather be sitting in a hospital room?  Imagine the worst the worst place to be at that moment or is it enjoying time out driving?

This is another great photo of my honey's undenying love and devotion for me no matter what.  He has my back and I have his!  He takes care of my everyday; flushing my lines and giving me Zofran 3 times a day, hooks me up to my 10 hour meal and unhooks and flushes all lines the very next morning.  He also changes the catbox as often as he can which is something I can never do but he happily does. Our cat is awesome; why deny him!)

Just having the freedom to go anywhere you want is something to be treasured; there are so many out there who can't do the same; so consider yourself blessed if you can.    Time is never wasted even on the road; so just make the most of it; no arguing and cussing out people you don't know or threatening anyone with violence?   If someone else starts honking at you or tries to get your attention; don't make any eye contact with someone who is.   True there are so many great new technologies that make driving all the more fun and enjoyable as well as easier.   Don't ever try to reason with anyone while you are driving; it just can't be done.  The scary thing is they might just have a weapon.   I don't know I'm just thinking of better things to do in slow or dead traffic so it's not so boring or unpleasant; music seems to make everything much better especially inside a car!)   There are so many better things to do in a car than get mad and angry at people you have never met before; you think you know them just by being in a car behind them; sure as you call them fuck face, shit head, and every other name in the book?  That is not knowing somebody enough!? LOL

I'm still keeping on keeping on!  Each day is a gift; some days I have energy and some days are just spent in bed at today and yesterday have been.  I'm still trying to gain weight and am kinda sorta maintaining at around 88-90lbs.   I'm still doing the stupid eating and vomiting thing and the vomiting is totally involuntary; I hate puking with a passion but it happens and I can't help it.  It comes out of my nose if I do nothing to stop it.  That's so freaking disgusting!) LOL!  I'm also suffering from horrible, horrible ass spasms so if your day was depleted of those things then I say You had a pretty good day!)   Here is the most gorgeous photo I have ever seen taken by Elena of course!)  She really is an amazing artist!)

Peace and Love to all of you!  I hope one day there will be an end to Road Rage! What an ugly reality!  I still have all of you who are loving and compassionate souls!)

How can life be ruined?

This photo has an element of shock factor which I really like!  It's shocking how bony I am and all the medical devices on me; I would be a total nightmare in any airport; so I won't go there! LOL!  My good friend Elena took this photo yesterday (she is the most amazing photographer I know!); despite the element of shock value; it's a very beautiful photo of me fighting cancer pain the best way I know how; with my miracle plant; cannabis, marijuana; what ever you want to call it.  I think this photo might even win some awards!)  I'm not afraid of my cancer injuries and just want all of you to be thankful for all that you have.   I also have some hope in my heart that I might be able to help someone who might suffer from anorexia or bullimimia. I do know that even as sick as I tend to get; I can never fight off these darn munchies that I know they could not fight off so easily; I do know this because I find it very difficult to fight off.

My brother and I went across the street to buy some groceries at the ghetto Safeway across the street and I occasionally will check out the headlines of many of the trash zines as I  commonly call them.  They are the headlines that many celebs balk at as being untrue and many times they are; they basically make up shit in order to sell these "trash zines" like the "National Enquirer" or "Life and Style?"   One headline stood out most and it was an article about a teen girl who had gotten pregnant.   I did see how untrue many articles were on Michael Douglas and his fight.  He beat the beast and is now a hero to so many!  I'm really happy that he was able to do; I would not have handled another cancer death as well; instead it's a cancer miracle!

One of the headlines was of this teen who had gotten pregnant and it clearly said "Teen Pregnancy ruined my life"?. I was appalled and not understanding how can a teen's life be ruined when another life is just starting; including hers?  I don't feel a teenager should be taking care of a child when that much negativity is displayed in front of their child.   A  young child needs  more stability, including someone mature enough to take care of him/her; so I'm all for adoption in teenage pregnancies and abortion if the life of the child is in jeopardy.    You can make your life better and even better for the unborn or already born child by giving that child a real life rather than allowing that child to realize how ungrown up a child raising a child can be.  Eventually no respect is shown and that be toxic.  I have seen my share of brats in grocery stores; that's for sure!  Kids running around like little animals; knocking shit down, rolling around on the ground crying up a storm when they don't get their way,  bumping into people and so much more!   Kids do need good parents that care and are observant of their behavior rather than ignoring many situations.

I know I will never even begin to understand how words can even ruin someone's life or how can someone's life be ruined so simply?   Or how can someone else have the power to take another person's life?   How can someone allow their life to be ruined?  Just live your life and make it better?  We have a limited amount of time here to make special; so make your mark and seize your opportunities!   

 

Sure I could easily say that Cancer ruined my life and just complain about everything around me  (be a total bore and shit to be around!) but I wouldn't be honest if I did.  Cancer did change my life in many ways but it also opened my eyes to so much more in this world!   Some days I wake up and I have total pain everywhere and can barely get out of bed and then there are those fabulous days where I have just enough energy to get out of bed and attempt have a fabulous day.  I still have many days of fun as I have these past few days.   

This is a photo that I should entitle as "Love".  My husband is determined to keep me alive as long as I can live.  A friend of mine came over yesterday and took these amazing photos ever of me and my family; brother, my dad and a few of my husband; mostly family shots but some very beautiful photos meant for my blog; so I should have plenty of photos to last me for my blog!)   I thought I would show all of you what I endure as I use my pot to get rid of the serious pain I suffer from.  You can actually see wires connecting on me. LOL, that huge hockey puck or Skoal tobacco.

  You have to live your life in order to live and enjoy?  Life really is not that bad and it sure as hell is not all about money and greed!   You life will not end over money; I guess unless someone else is greedy enough to do so? I hope we can all learn to live with out so much consumerism and just learn how to enjoy the peaceful moments with each other as we are blessed to have.  We never know what each moment might bring and sometimes my husband and I have very scary moments of this cancer trying to take hold of me but we never give up hope.   

We actually had a little shakin going on just a few days  ago (a little earth quake, my dad and brother didn't feel it but my honey and my puppy sure felt it; it just lasted a few seconds; then the next day (on Monday) we went to see "True Grit".   It was a hell of lot better than that horrible bird/ballet movie!  I can't believe we sat through that entire movie!  What a bore! We enjoyed this one; it was OK for me.  I don't like a whole lot of bang, bang shoot em up!   I didn't like the snake scene towards the end or the scenes where horses had died. 

My husband will always take care of me no matter what.  We are there for each other and so is my father and my brother and so many of my friends.  My world is filled with love; what can I say?  How can I say that cancer has ruined my life when I have so much love?  My brother and I had grown up very close.  I took care of him when my mother wasn't able to; I did teach him how to drive too; so he is great driver and was able to take me to Santa Cruz in order to get me some excellent medicine which has really helped me with my cancer pain; check out those tumors and you can see the wire that extends to my spine in the photo at the top of this post.  I'm on hospice care taking the most strongest drugs ever; can't take any pills so smoking a joint and the pain disappearing in less than 5 minutes is a blessing for me.  I hope many other patients are able to do the same.  They too deserve to have more time spent with their love ones.  You can see how debilitating cancer can be on a soul but I'm still fighting and will continue to until the very end.  Well it's not really fighting; its enjoying life no matter what!)

I can't get over how much fun my brother and I have been having these past few days.  I have kept the pain at bay with the special medicine we went to get on Sunday.  It was awesome to see my other brother; he is a brother to me as a cancer survivor.  I had not seen my brother since my 39th birthday; so what a blessing it's been just to hang out and ride bikes together!).  I'm so glad we were all able to just let go have a blast with a photoshoot.  Everything turned out perfect!  So much fun we have had together!  Sure I scared the scared the crap out of them at times with painful muscle spasms (in my ass!-(.   I was able to control the pain so much better with this extra strong cannabis.   Thank you my brother in Santa Cruz! 

I'm still enjoying each day I am blessed to have.  Peace and Love to all of you!

Spontaneous, unpredicatable health...

Each day I wake up becomes more and more of a blessing to me no matter how much pain I feel or even how shitty I might feel; some days are just excellent like that!.  My poor pets I'm sure are thinking the very same thing as they have been very worried about me.  They both compete in order to sit near me and watch over me.  I'm even thankful to have the bad days because they seem to be much better than having no days to be with my honey.  I'm petrified of leaving my honey in more ways than one.

I had an awesome day yesterday (I had way more energy than I did just the day before and I was very thankful to have had that kind of energy; it doesn't come along often enough!), even the day before (Monday) where I was able to get things done around the house (granted I was smoking some good Santa Cruz weed); but it helped immensely with the amount of pain that I was feeling and having to deal with; hell it even gave me the  energy that I didn't have just the day before.   I can't take that kind of pain relief for granted if it works that good!)

Well here is Tonto sporting his Wisconsin Badger's Team spirit for my honey and his friends.  The Badgers were getting beat so bad we needed to switch something up!  They must have scrored a few points because of this wonderful little mascot!)

To get back to my health problems; I was functional enough even today to finish up some  laundry, dishes, sweep and mop floor, some light vacuuming, and so much more.   I'm happy if I can just do one thing in one day but to do multiple is a miracle and a total blessing!)   Just the day before I could barely do anything useful.    I love being able to be a help around the house and when my pain erupts;  it totally sucks when I can barely do anything and I can't help but feel like a little worthless shit.  I'm not one to thoroughly enjoy the help of others in cleaning my house, why do I feel guilty when others want to help me?   I'm so independent that perhaps my reasoning is that they are out visiting me and should be treated as the welcome visitors inside my home.  That guilty feeling is not a good feeling to have and I really do need to over of it and accept all the love and blessings that comes to me!)

Tomorrow my dad is visiting and then on Saturday; my younger brother will be here to visit.  I can't wait!  I miss them both so dearly and it might be the last time that I will  every get to see my younger brother and him me; my dad has already made promises to come visit me as often as he can but my brother has been saving up to see me for a while.  Oh how I miss my brother and I can't believe he is going to be here.   It makes me happy that my brother loves my husband as another sibling or part of the family; he is grateful to have this wonderful man watching his beloved sis's back.   I couldn't imagine being in his shoes; a whole country away as I'm dying.  It sucks to have to actually say that; but it is the truth; maybe I will and maybe I won't beat this beast.  I'm still fighting to live everyday even though I have to take so many debilitating drugs; so its not just the weed; actually the weed is much safer; but I do have to take pain medication for being eaten alive, bones breaking, and crazy shit growing off me.

I am hoping that I feel good enough for all four of us to go see "True Grit"; I have been told by many that it is a "Brilliant Masterpiece"; well it can't be any worse than a psychotic dancer who self mutilates her fingernails and weird shit coming out of her back.  I wonder if I'm going to grow feathers on my back?  My back does itch like crazy but I have yet to see if I have hairy back?  Still smooth as a baby back there but I might have a pterodactyl wing instead that growing like an angel wing?

I am very thankful for my blog because my hospice nurse was able to get online and read it and  then she called me immediately in order to work out the pain plan.  No I would not be suffering in any kind of pain if she could help it and that to me is a wonderful hospice nurse; the best I could ever ask for!)  We basically increased my Dilaudid and Methadone and she did everything she could to get in touch with my pain doctor in order to get my pain pump turned up.  Wow! That has totally made a difference!)  So I have another hero in my life; my Hospice nurse!) .  So no longer just a lifesaver for others but also a lifesaver for me!)

The pain medications that they have me on are so very strong,;they are very, very powerful pain drugs and while they do work they can also cause me to sleep hard and not wake up (if I take too much); won't be doing that!)   It did finally kick in and I'm feeling lots better these last couple of days.  I'm still puking like crazy.  We are now anxiously  awaiting my dad's arrival in a cab from San Jose Airport.  Miss Blue Belle is suspecting something and she knows something is going on.  She knows the word Grandpa and has been getting excited; waiting at the door at times; it's just very precious.    My apologies for such a short post but just wanted to let you all know I'm still fighting hard to stay alive and my will to live is just as strong as the love in my heart which keeps me going.

Peace and Love to all of you!  Plus I would love to thank all of you for kind and very sweet comments and emails!  I can't thank you all enough! from the very bottom of my heart!)
I love you all!  My this world work in Peace and Harmony as we work hard to rid the world of evil greed!)  Here's to that greed disintegrating and a cure for cancer being found?  Lives meaning more than money!  Imagine that?