Well last night, I got really scared because my G-tube was pulled almost to the point where it was about to come out. My tummy will seal in hours if this happens and then I have to have another surgery to try and drill another hole in my tummy. I did make an appointment today in order to fix it on Thursday, Aug. 12th. I have another appointment tomorrow to check on my internal pain pump. It seems that it's not working. I did go to interventional radiology today to see about fixing my G-Tube, no it's not a G-String, but instead a tube; much less sexy; anyway they were swamped and I was really happy that we walked back with these older sisters. One was in this amazing wheel chair which was almost like taking the lazy boy out for a stroll; it rolled, it almost went backwards and I would have freaked out and thought it was going to throw me backwards it was in it but the lady seemed so relaxed. She had 2 nephostomy bags which she was going in to try and internalize like I did my 1. I got to give her hope; she was amazed that I had made it 8 years. She didn't have the same Cancer I had, but it's always great to give another person hope.
We waited and waited and finally had to leave because I do need to go on my feeding schedule which I did get to do today. We made that other appointment for Thursday. They did get a good look at my G-Tube and felt that I did a superior job in pushing it back in my tummy. How did I do that? Another amazing thing that has just happened to me!) anyway here is my very, very, very choppy video. Originally it was over 17 minutes and I had to cut it down to only 10 minutes since YouTube has the 10 minute rule so please forgive this video for its choppiness but it is real and what I am experiencing as I go through this Cancer journey of mine.
We had been preparing ourselves for the inevitable by speaking with a social worker every month about the possibilities that I may die sooner than expected but these days turn into weeks and then into months and Whala a year has nearly passed since my doctor came into my room to give me the news that I did not want to hear. I think the guilt is the processes of keeping me alive like the expensive surgeries, hospital stays, drugs, artificial contraptions to keep me alive (G-tube, pain pump, Nephostomy bag and then internalization to a stent, drugs, etc.). I even feel guilty for being on Disability for so long; I have worked my entire life (since I learned to walk= we lived on a farm). I know it's silly to feel guilty for all those things beyond my own control; I even feel guilty for missing work for so long and wished so much that things could be normal again when I know in my heart they may never be. Hope you enjoy this video labored with love for all of you. I will try to make some more videos for upcoming blogs.
Peace and Love to all!