After another surgery and yet more in the future....

Well I had my surgery yesterday to replace my G-tube that is in my stomach.   The surgery went smoothly but I am such a chicken monkey when it comes to having to deal with the pain of them pulling a rubber tube out of my tummy and then sticking another one through the stinging and burning hole so I opted for some local anesthetic which also hurt like fuckHurt! Excuse my language but it's the total and honest truth; I squealed just a little baby pig when the doctor kept sticking those little needles in my tummy.  Youch!!!!  There was a nurse in the room who looked a lot younger than she was; she had come to the US I think in 1974; she actually wore a nurses dress which is the first time I had ever seen one in that hospital; most nurses I have seen there always wear nurses pants or scrubs as they are commonly called.  She carried herself so well and when I started crying from being scared; she came over to me and with her face just inches away; looked into my eyes and told me it would be OK and that she would get some pain medication for me right away.  Her gentleness calmed me instantly and then the rest of the surgery went well including the suturing of the tube to my tummy.

After I was done with my surgery, I wheeled back where my honey was called and I had texted him too to let him know the surgery was over I was ready to go home! Thank GOD it was only outpatient surgery; I don't think I can handle another day in the hospital!  Well, I think I must have waited about 5 minutes after the initial 30 minutes wait for the pain medications to wear off; in wheeled the most handsome man ever (with a wheel chair for me) in the back where the Interventional Radiology Patient area is.   The nurses were so proud to see him there with his beautiful smile.  I got out of my little cot and got into the wheel chair as he pushed me through the rest of corridor of the hospital to where he was parked.  What a gentleman and I'm so happily married to him!)

A little off the subject but here is another fact based ad about Meg Whitman (the tumor on my back) that is stabbing me.  Thought this was quite interesting.  I wished so much that it wasn't true but it seems this rich old hag is going to be purchasing this election.  Many are gullible to her lies and misinterpretations.  I'm not and here is the truth:

Just the day before we had gone in to have my pain pump turned on and up.  It did not seem the darned thing was even working at all and I had thought that it might have gotten shut off by getting myself radiated.  That was so scary; I was afraid to even breath for fear that I might move the tumor out of the way and have vital organs hit instead but it seems that must have happened anyway because of the severe amount of pain I felt just by sitting up in a chair and standing up was a nightmare sometimes.    I was having to take oral medications daily; the pain of the cancer, being cut open so many times that it literally felt so raw as if my insides were coming out.  The sheer horrid amount of pain I had been suffering from; whewwwww! and sometimes my tummy would feel as if it were going to explode.   I'm so glad the pain pump is finally working  some because for the first time in weeks, last night; I was able to relax some.    It's hard to relax going through so much pain, having to take such strong medications although my vaporizer sure does help! but that pain is kind of a reminder that this disease might just be killing me.  Well now it's not going too!)

I do get scared sometimes and will sometimes have to tell myself to keep on breathing because of the fear of not being able to breath in the next moments of time.  Kind of dumb I know but I do try to beat this in as many ways as I can.  Yeah the pain gets so bad that it's hurts to breath in.     Most of the time, I just think about how lucky I am to have such an awesome, wonderful husband who is by my side no matter what.    I try sometimes to imagine the cancer just dying; sometimes I will use my vaporizer, then I will usually relax enough to do some yoga stretches and while I am stretching I will tell myself that I am healing; I then imagine the white blood cells increasing rapidly like a small army turning into a huge battle force as they invade those monster black and green cells.    I hope many of you cancer patients  out there are able to do the same but I certainly hope that none of you experience the amount of pain that I sometimes have to go through.  I still hurt sometimes but it is definitely a lot less than previously.   

Earlier this week I had been feeling guilty and as if I were a drain to society in my overwhelming sickness factor; needing operation after operation, chemo after chemo, then radiation, more radiation, then more surgeries and it's just seemed never ending in all the care my honey, the nurses, the doctors, insurance companies all needed to give me and continues to provide me.  A wise person told me that there are much worse people out there draining the system and who have not worked a day in their lives; I also think about the top 1% of wealthy Americans who didn't pay the share of taxes that my husband and I did and that they are blowing their money in more foolish ways than trying to save lives or do any good so at least I'm not being a greedy person.  It always seems that those of us who are lacking; give much more of ourselves.  Money does not buy happiness; I have felt more happy when I see the reactions of others whom I have helped change their lives or just helping out someone else.  I often feel guilty if I do buy myself anything; to me, it's just not a real pleasant feeling when I'm not sharing.   It could be that I'm more lacking in money and know so but giving to others for me is way more satisfying.

I will never forget when I was going to work one morning (this was years ago); there was a lady in a BMW with a flat tire on the side of the road.  She was sitting in her car but didn't appear to be on the phone.  I think she had left her phone at home that particular morning.  I stopped to ask how she was doing and we both proceeded to change her tire.  She unlocked her trunk for me as I dug in to her neatly kept trunk.  There were so many cars zipping by us on that cold shoulder (it was in the winter time) the entire time I was working (I even had on a skirt that morning).  I pulled out everything that she needed to change her tire right out of her trunk and boy was that jack and tire worthy (it wasn't one of those puny crappy tires that so many automakers fail to add;, and the jack actually worked? wow! many cars include tires and equipment that are an accident waiting to happen); it was full size. Before jacking up the car,  I loosened all the lug nuts, then I jacked it up and took off the flat tire, then grabbed the full sized tire and realized I needed to jack it up some more in order to get the new tire on; once I got it on, I added the lug nuts, then jacked the car back down in order to tighten.  By the time I had tightened them, a large older gentleman stopped to help tighten the lug nuts.  I was glad he stopped; but he was amazed at how much had already been done by these business ladies.  Wow women are not dumb!? See women can get things done if they put their minds to it. Perhaps my mind can kill this stupid cancer shit!)

I notice that everyday my poor sweetie works his butt off all day long and then it just seems to never stop for him; he has more to do for me; TPN set-up (30-40 minutes), changing dressing (10 minutes), flushing my picc lines (5 minutes), set up the gastric tube with catheter bag (5 minutes) and so much more!   He even does housework, cleans the cat box, laundry (wash, fold (I help him), and dry), and even walking the dog.  Sometimes even making me something to eat; not just the bag of milk either!)  I'm so proud of him!  He is so stressed sometimes; worrying about me and I so wished that we could just get away just for a little while on little vacation.  Tonto could go stay with his kitty sitter and then Blue Belle could come with us.  I'm thankful he can go to the local pub and hang with his buddies sometimes to let off some steam and sometimes Blue Belle gets to go with him.  No one can resist her anywhere she goes; she is sure traffic stopper.  Yes, we are over due for a vacation (haven't been on one in years).   Despite the time he had taken off (6 months); we never even went on vacation; it was constant worry for him and I'm sure quite miserable but he still appreciated(s) me just being alive.  And that's why I continue to survive despite all odds!  I feel most of it has a lot to do with Love!

Peace and Love to all of you!