WARNING: Some of the Content here may be Objectionable to some. I have this blog labeled as "Adult Only" as a common courtesy for those who may easily be offended by Adult topics such as the Truth, Down to Earth topics, realities of living with Ovarian Cancer and/or any life threatening disease that goes along with it; Sexuality, Medicinal Cannabis, Profanity, and of course plenty of unpleasant body functions are also discussed here. This is a very tough battle for which I don't intend to hold anything back on what I am facing.

This blog is very personal and comes from the heart of a real fighting cancer patient who wishes nothing more than to live for all of those I love my own will to live, and my love of life. While sometimes I might be on heavy medication (prescribed by my doctor) and occasionally I might write about things or subjects that one may never even think about or consider; so please consider that as well. Yes; whacked out things might even be found here; but I mean everything in all good intentions.

This blog is not at all intended for the faint hearted, those who lack a sense of humor, have no idea what down to earth means, greedy mean people, and/or those who don't know how to share the world with others, and especially those who are unable to easily put themselves into the shoes of others. This blog is mostly about my journey of living my life in the best ways that I can under the Golden Rule and appreciating all of the GOOD KHARMA that comes my way! Never take anything in this world for granted; especially family and friends!

Friday, January 8, 2010

A Wonderful Day with my Honey....

Well yesterday morning at 6:01am; I got a very disappointing call from my aunt who had called me from a hotel in Kentucky (Comfort Inn); apparently they were snowed in and therefore could not make it to see me.  They were just going to turn around and go back 12 hours of driving instead of less than 1 hour and delay a flight.   I was so crushed and I just knew how far they were from the airport when they had called.  They were maybe 30-45 minutes (maybe an hour at the most) from the airport and had driven over 12 hours to get where they were going.  I'm not at all sure why they decided to do this (my aunt has never flown on a plane and is scared to death of flying),  (My aunt lives in Richmond, VA and my mom in Spartanburg, SC).  They would meet up and drive all the way to St. Louis, Missouri

All day long my honey and I have been going through all the reasons ton why they were so close and could have easily come to see me. and they just turn around and drive over 12 hours back?  OK I know it was a bad snowstorm but they could have left on the same flight the following day?  Could it be new Air Restrictions as in this photo?  I would not be a bit surprised if it ever turned out to be like that.  I really can't stand all of those dumb ass people who have to make it harder for the rest of us by doing stupid, stupid things.  It is really dumb to try to kill a bunch of innocent people.   

I know my aunt has never flown before and it unfortunate that she has  to purchase 2 tickets because of her obesity but she was able to do so; so why throw in the towel and give up?; I'm not giving up?.  It's really sad but if I were her; I still would have done anything to come see my niece whom I haven't seen in over 20 years and may not ever get to.  She may not have another chance to see me; GOD I hope so.  I don't know if I can fly with the restrictions they have now; they might hurt me with all of my medications that I need or frisking me; they might pull out my picc line or my gastric tube.  I just can't travel at all right now.  I could in a private plane but not commercial; too many restrictions.  I couldn't stash my pot either; I would end up in a Federal Prison.    Oh how I miss her and her jovial personality.  She would have loved to have met Miss Blue Belle and Mr. Bigfood Tonto!  We do have that love for animals in common!)
They still had a few days and could have made it the next day into St. Louis.  I don't know why they bought tickets for St. Louis (12-13 hours away driving) and I wish so much we could have helped them get here.  We have gone over and over many of the details.  I do know that my mother also forgot her cell phone which I am paying for with our family plan.  She always looses it or forgets and so does my brother.   I figure; I deserve to talk with my mother and my brother  whom I love very, very much everyday if I choose too every day of my life !); I pay for it and therefore I deserve to but it's so sad that sometimes I will go months or weeks with out talking with either of them.  They  just never answer their phones; I have to call my mom's home phone first and ask her to please turn on her cell phone so that we can use our family talk plan (always turned off or it goes straight to voicemail) they do loose their cell phones often, my brother always either breaks his phone or damages in someway and I will always have to send him a new one (it's always my honey's phone; I would usually have to buy him a new one).  I wish so much  that they respected me more than that but that's just them.  Sometimes they won't answer their phones on purpose because I know they don't wish to talk with me and that really hurts.   I do know that it is like that; they both suffer depression and it's the way they deal with my problem (cancer).

I don't know maybe I am being way too sensitive but when ever someone gets me anything; I try my best to take good care of what ever it may be. and cherish it for as long as I can.  It always means so much to me when ever anyone does anything for me.  I never take those things for granted.  If my brother or mother or even father decided to get me a cell phone and pay for it monthly; OMG; I would totally be thankful for it.  I never ever, avoid calls from my own family.  Maybe they are scared of what is happening to me and it's just some sort of avoidance behavior.  They don't want to worry about me and if they don't hear bad news; it's not happening.

The only way I know how to contact my brother is to call his job; I can never call his cell phone; he never answers it.  Once in a blue moon (if I'm lucky once or twice a month).  Thank GOD his contract just expired and his phone just broke so I just cancelled his phone! I was just waiting and waiting for his contract to expire so that I could just cut my losses and hopefully he can be a man and get his own cell phone.   I love him so much and wish so much I could talk with him everyday.   We are those close brothers and sisters who could never ever get mad at each other no matter what.  We were always best friends and I know it must have broken his heart when I moved out here; but I couldn't help it; something just drove out here to Cali.

I did get to Skype with him twice so far and I am so happy that we were able to do that.  It was so amazing and I was so happy just to see his face and his kitty cat which is also a manx.  There is no way I can contact him with his cell phone (it just goes straight to voice mail).  OK enough about my dysfunctional family; at least I have an awesome husband who loves me like no other.  I'm so proud of him and I'm proud of my family too even though they have their quirks about them.  I wish I could talk with them every day but that's just not in my cards to do so.

UPDATE: We just skyped again and we got to talk about my mom's trip out here and he was totally unaware that the two of them had turned around and come back.   He thought that the two of them might already be here  It was so awesome to be able to talk with my brother and to see him too as if he were in the next room.   Well hopefully he will be able to go over to my mom's house and put her phone back on the ringer so that I may call her.  The cell phone is turned off and the land line is off the hook?

I still have much to look forward too despite their spontaneous cancellation.  I had even gotten them a hotel room for such an excellent rate!(.   At least I was able to cancel with out any charges.  My father is coming to visit me on the 16th so I will try to plan some fun things for us to do and I definitely would like to go bicycling with him everyday that he is here and of course go to the Palo Alto VA hospital with Blue Belle.  This will be fun and enjoyable for both of us; no all three  (including Blue Belle) of us.  Blue Belle loves to work; she hates the dog park but loves the hospital.  I hate the hospital but she loves it?

Anyway back to the phone call she had told me that they were snowed in Kentucky or Indiana? and therefore they couldn't make it to come visit me but yet there were going to turn around and go back home (12 hours back).  I was so incredibly excited that they were coming to visit me.  How depressing and disappointing.  I just can't believe they actually did this?  I was so looking forward to be hanging out with them and just enjoying their company; just seeing them and to be quite honest; my conditions don't seem to be improving much.   It's getting worse and worse to talk with doctors and nurses with out them suggesting that we at least sign those pink papers "Physician Orders for Life-Sustaining  Treatmetnt (POLST)".    I hope I am around at least till the end of this year and maybe next year and the year after that and the year after that or hopefully till I'm 50; that would be ideal!  If I survive to be 40; that's OK too.  I was just watching the Green River killer and how many young women didn't get to survive as long as I am have been alive in fact there are so many that don't.  That's exactly why we have to be thankful for everyday that we are given; and don't just look forward to tomorrow; enjoy every moment!)

 I am worried to death over finances for my honey should I pass.   I hope everything is perfect for him in every way should I pass.  I don't want him to have to worry about anything.   He is the best man there is; he has served  his country and even risked his life doing border patrol on the DMZ in North Korea.  I'm so incredibly proud of him for that; he has so much integrity (I have never met anyone with more integrity than this man!) and so much heart and soul and he certainly doesn't deserve my troubles.    I'm so very thankful to have him everyday that I am alive.  What a blessing he is; an Angel who walks amongst us; as he would say the very same thing about me; I feel that way about him.  We always tell each other how much we love each and everyday.  I still try my best to look good for him, to smell good for him and be the best wife that I can be.  He still allows me to take days off when I feel like it and I have taken quite a few with out any complaints from him.  I looked so ravagely sick and unseductive (didn't brush my teeth but will in a few) and somehow he still found me sexy somewhere? 
We did have the most wonderful day on Wednesday.  We went out to see a movie and I was so happy and relieved to have my lap dog sleeping on my lap and calming me down.  The movie was so amazing and I didn't have to go potty through out the movie! How cool is that?

The movie we was Avatar and we were kind of short changed because they didn't give us the  3D glasses to see  the movie with; but since the movie was so dam good; we plan to see it again at the CiniArts Cinema at Santana Row.   I give this movie 5 stars and 2 thumbs up.  What an amazing movie and it does give us many ideas and subtle clues as to what we are doing to our own environment.  Everything that I have been thinking and worrying about here; you must respect what you already have on this earth; there is no need to destroy everything in sight just for few bucks; cherish our parks and wildlife; they may not be around for ever.

What a wonderful movie to enjoy!  We both ate a chocolate bar and drank water while Miss Blue got to snack on her kibble and then nap on my lap.  Yesterday;  I know I could have had the energy to make it out of bed but I did not get out of bed the entire day (it was that phone call  that I got this morning from my aunt where they had decided they were not coming to see me); I didn't even get out to go ride my beautiful bike.   I just layed there in bed sad and depressed that I would not be spending the weekend with my mom and my aunt.  I still don't understand what happened at all; but I always try my best to get things done no matter what even though my health has stalled me for most of this year from even going to work.  I don't feel that either one of them is facing what I am facing but I still try to get things done.   I do know that I can't fly to see them; so that's why they were planning to come see me.   I had the alarm set to go pick them up; I had done many laundry loads, vacuumed, dusted, cleaned and disinfected both bathrooms, washed my car and filled up the tank, even got the key faub fixed, reserved them a hotel, and even thoroughly groomed my dog (Deodorizing Spritz Lavender) and cat (Earthbath Mango Tango).  Both of them still smell delicious! and they love it!

I know that I must stay alive even though I keep hearing the nurses and even my husband, the social worker and everyone around me telling me that my life could very easily end suddenly with all that has happened to me end anytime now.  I have been cut open too many times to count and I know they know this too; but I will surprise everyone and survive the inevitable which has already happened.  My spirit is strong and I have a very strong spirit with me who helps me everyday.  I wish I could film what he does each day to help keep me alive and all that he does so that everyone could believe in real love or that it does exist.  We are just like those old people that you see like the one who pushes the wheel chair and helps the other one with getting out of the wheel chair or into the car; but we are young.  We help each other and don't even think twice about not doing so.  I will cook him a meal if I am able to and he will only ask me to if I am up and walking around.  He does bug me about eating and taking my medications when he sees the spreadsheet is blank.  It's just the little things that we do that make a difference to each of us.  We are  respectful, considerate, loving, and caring for one another and that's the way every couple should be with one another.  Peace and Love to all!

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nat said...


I'm so sorry that you were disappointed by your family. I know you really really wanted to see them. :( Unfortunately, we have no control over what anyone else does or doesn't do. Some people that I expected to be right with me through the cancer, weren't there. However, many others surprised me with their kindnesses and compassion.
You are blessed to have so many wonderful people in your life. Let them try to fill your void. Still, I wish they would have come for you.

You have my full support. Only we can make decisions about our lives. You have such a strong will and desire to live - you amaze me!

Big hugs CJ, and to that wonderful man of yours (and Blue Belle, and Tonto too!)

Anonymous said...

I've been reading your blog for a while - just want to say good luck for the New Year from a very snowy Scotland. (I've had ovarian cancer but a much earlier stage than you.) It's so tough when people let you down like that but maybe your aunt was just looking for an excuse not to fly. I'm sure they won't have understood how much you were wanting to see them.

l'optimiste said...

family? uff..babe, you are the best - no-one can beat what you are doing. Maybe your Aunt was just to scared to fly?

whatever - you are doing great!! get it ON!!

Kia Taylor said...

I'm so sorry CJ, but I'm glad that you understand who your mom and Aunt are and are still able to love them despite the disappointment...you are a wonderful example of the compassion we should all exhibit. Your will is so strong, this won't be the first time those doctors and nurses will be proven wrong:)


Anonymous said...

CJ, I'm sorry you had to face such a huge disappointment, especially after having worked so hard to get your family here and make all the preparations.

Families are over-rated. But CHOSEN families--now they're the best. And I'm glad you have such an awesome chosen family made up of your hubby, pets, and friends, because they will sustain you.

Happy new year! Take gentle care.

your friend from Sac

Dee said...

Sorry your family couldn't make it out. The snow and cold has been pretty brutal in Kentucky/ Missouri/ Kansas. I wish though that they had hunkered down in the hotel and flown out a day or two later.I had to postpone a trip to visit my daughter by a day because of the weather.

Being sick takes so much control away - and unfortunately we can't control other folks and their reactions to different situations.

You have faced your decisions with such strength- and with the support of your husband, pets and friends.

cyber hugs

Nicole Brown said...

Much love from everyone in Wisconsin, Jayne. Remember that we are here, and can be there, for you whenever you need us!
Love Nicole

stipeygirl75 said...

I'm sorry you were not able to see your family. You did a lot of work to prepare and were looking forward to it so much. I had a similar thing happen after my shoulder surgery; I busted my butt (and sore shoulder) getting myself and the house presentable and was so excited to have visitors after being cooped up so long. We waited and waited until finally at the last minute they called saying my brother-in-law had a sniffle! But then the next day they drove through the entire state of Michigan to go camping! I was so pissed and disappointed. So I know how you feel :( Going through all the why's and trying to figure out why they would ignore you. Remember THEY are the ones missing out on YOUR presence!!

P.S. too bad about those Packers! I hope the Vikings lose bad to the Cowboys :) (I'm in Indiana but I root for both the Colts and the Packers as my family is from WI also)

POD said...

CJ, I'm just reading this today (01/13/10) and feeling really sad for your situation. I can just imagine the disappointment you must have felt. I know when I was in active chemo (and felt like I was dying) there were people who totally dropped me out of their lives. I figured they weren't as strong as me and couldn't handle it. In fact, I remember writing a blogpost where I said, "I'm the one with cancer though you're the one who died." Because they didn't call or come around or even say a word. Scared! Too fearful. I guess.
Though,I can understand your aunts position (a bit) because of the obesity issue. Who the heck wants to fly. But still. What a disappointing situation all the way around.
At least you an rely on your dad. And seeing your bro via Skype. Can that be set up for the auntie?
Maybe that is the solution and even then, maybe she would be too emotional to handle it.

Why can't people put aside their own whiny b.s. when a person is worse off than them? I don't get it.

Anonymous said...

Hey J Happy New Year been wondering how you are doing hugs & Love ME!!~ :):):)

Libecro Global said...

you are doing great!! get it ON!!

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My techniques and treatments work simply for me and may not produce the same results for others. Cancer is a very tricky disease in which it is very different in everyone it touches. No two cancers are the same just as we humans are not the same. What works for me may not work for others.

I love life and expect to live for as long as I can. I intend to use those treatments that do work for me which includes medicinal cannabis. I'm still alive with this disease over 7 years later because of this miracle plant and as long as I have my medicine available; I intend to survive many more years. I hope one day the Federal Government will eventually grow up and be led by true leaders who represent the people and not just coorporations; real people who live by the Golden Rule "treat others how you would want to be treated". I also hope the Government of the US can finally learn to admit that it has made a mortal mistake in making this life saving plant which is provided by GOD and does indeed have the ability to provide all of us with food, fuel, clothing, shelter, and medicine; a mistake that have made is that it is illegal. Yes, it was a mistake out of greed, ignorance, and racism that this miracle plant is illegal. This is a confirmed fact and we should all know and face it.

Cannabis is not at all harmful and in fact quite the opposite. Perhaps our economy can once again grow as it has in the turn of the century by making this life saving plant legal once again.

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