Happy New Year! I made it!

I notice that each day is a new challenge in staying awake.  I think all the pain medications are making it so incredibly hard to get out of bed each day; they are strong medications for most but for me keep me feeling as if I am not some cut up human; it sucks to feel that horrid pain when those medications wear off which I do allow to happen sometimes.  Sleeping the day away has gotten me quite depressed in that I feel that I am wasting my days away and that it could just be one step away from dying.  Oh GOD does it scare me and that is why I don't feel so strong.  I'm getting through this the best that I know how with as much positive force as I can muster.   What I really need to do is to get my ass out of bed each day and try to live as much as I can but sleeping has been feeling so dam good.  I love my long naps but I have to face life more and try to get important things done if at all possible. 

Just the other day (Dec. 30th); I had another episode where I couldn't control my arms and was constantly hitting myself; I was crying like crazy because it was driving my husband crazy and I couldn't control any of it.  I tried to just go to sleep hoping it would all end; I was crying, my husband was upset with me and telling me to stop hurting myself but I couldn't help it; something was up. Blue Belle finally felt sorry for me and climbed into bed with me despite my arms going everywhere.  I was able to calm myself and just pet her and it seemed to stop for a little while. She sat as close to me as possible with her soft fur right up against me.   She seemed to help me through this little episode.  It was pretty scary.

We finally figured out that it was the Fentanol Patches and that they were not working at all; in fact expired. I was too scared to even take any of the liquid Dilaudid (Liquid Hydromorphone).  My honey changed the pain patches and gave me  a Klonopin to calm me down which really worked.  I just lied there on the couch mostly relieved.  It hasn't been too easy for either of us and we even had the Social Worker come over weekly in order to help us plan for the inevitable (my death) and to deal with our scared to death feelings.  It is so hard to deal with and I feel like a wimp each time she comes over because I feel like I could go through a whole box of tissues each time.  I can't believe how strong my husband is in dealing with this and he is so incredibly gentle with me as he explains what the social worker is trying to say to me because sometimes things can get over my head and I panic; so he helps me greatly with that fault of mine by calming me down and explaining things better so that I can understand.

I will need to call my work and find out how much time we have and if they can hold onto my job until July.  That would be very cool and they have been amazing through all of this.  My only wish is that my husband it taken care of after I pass and that he has no worries what so ever.   I want him to be able to continue on with life and be able to find someone else amazing because he deserves only the best.   It would be very cool if I could beat this but with all the damage that has been done by the medical establishment; I'm not so sure.   My surgeon was even prepared for failure; why can't they be prepared for success when treating an illness? They have torn my body to pieces and if they had only left it alone when I was first diagnosed; I would have many more years left I'm quite sure.   They pissed off the cancer treating it the way that they do with chemicals.  My type of cancer is slow growing and now it seems it is growing at a faster rate.  I am still using the Hedge Apples which comes from the Osage Tree and sometimes it looks as if the tumor on my side is shrinking when I remember to take it.   I sure hope and pray this is the miracle that I have been looking for.  I pray every night that it is.

It does piss me off that Ovarian Cancer is treated this way even though it's the cookie cutter way of treating cancer the same exact way when no two cancers are the same.  It would be cool if they could take each sample of tumor and find out what will kill that cancer rather than trying the same thing with everyone?  Why do they do the same things to everyone?  My cancer actually went away from a mistake (Paritonitus) until I had become very stressed at work which I know is why it had came back.  I know that is why my cancer came back.

Well I won't dwell on that; I have a life to try to live and to survive.  It sucks to have to have to live in so much pain each day and to have to be so dependent on pain medications.  I just hate that so much!  I do still get myself into trouble and get behind and then pay the ultimate price of going through off the wall pain that is just stabbing and jabbing inside me.  Oh how I hate it!  Do I deserve to suffer in such pain but it is worth it just to wake up next to the man I love each and every morning?  I'm so glad that I'm not in the hospital anymore!  I love being at home with him and that I got to celebrate Christmas morning and of course the New Year with him.  I feel so blessed to have been able to do that.  I love you honey if you are reading this!  You are without a doubt my Angel and my knight in shining armor!)

 Just the other night I had nearly finished a protein smoothie and I had my IV hooked up or was it my stomach pump (Gastric Pump)?  Anyway, I was in a deep sleep and all of a sudden I had to wake up and go to the bathroom.  It was an emergency and what ever device I had knocked the rest of that smoothie everywhere; I had a quite a mess to deal with when I got back.   I had even accidentally pulled on my gastric tube to the point I thought I had it pull it out (youch!(.  Oh God did that hurt and it still kinda hurts when I touch it or try to reposition it or just accidentally lean on it.  Wow!   I even had smoothie on the wall.  It wasn't pleasant but now my tummy aches when ever I touch the tube; it was like I had yanked it out but didn't.  From what I understand there is this balloon inside my tummy that keeps it from being pulled out; youch!.  Now when ever I settle down and if that tube in my tummy gets touched or yanked; I have to squeal.  I may have to get it checked out but I not looking forward to having to see another doctor.  I don't even know how much insurance I have and I do know that January will be a no pay month for me.  I hear that Social Security Disability takes about 6-10 months to take effect; how do people manage until then?; do they have to live under a bridge until it takes effect? Why is the government so incredibly slow to get the ball running for folks who obviously need to pay their bills and yet those I talk with on the phone are somewhat compassionate yet hey still have to go by the slowness of government function.  Maybe we need to fix that too!  It is certainly not working at its full capacities and people do need jobs and I say those slow lazy workers need to be replaced with more efficient workers. 

Maybe that is why everyone is freaked out about Government run anything because of their slowness and lack of getting things done correctly.  Hurricane Katrina really proved that fact!   We have a different administration now with way more compassion than the last administration.  During the whole Katrina catastrophe; they had to have a birthday party prior to saving lives and of course finish up a vacation.

(I hope my precious pet photos will add smiles to many of your faces as they did mine!) I will stop now but I sure hope things improve and while I am alive I hope that my life can make a difference for many.  I'm going to make sure of that and write plenty of letters and perhaps make some videos that will make a difference for  and to lawmakers. I will certainly ask them to please put themselves into the shoes of patients such as myself and to see if they can sleep at night knowing that their votes are affecting many people in not so pleasant ways.   I know if I voted with greed instead of compassion; I would not be able to sleep; I wouldn't be able to live with myself.  Perhaps little old me can spark some compassion into their ignorance of accepting payouts from evil entities that do not look out for the people (just their wallets) that those politicians represent.   I hope that made sense; maybe Pharmaceutical companies can finally learn to use or be allowed to utilize natural ingredients  for medications that cure rather than just treat the underlying illnesses.

I was really appalled when the last Administration actually put a price on the life of most of us citizens in the US.  I know I read that somewhere in like 2005 and it was very evil to think that a human life is not even worth $150,000.  How can a life be worth a price when you put into account what that person can do like raise a family, work, and help out so many others.  I can understand criminals and such but good hard working citizens?  How can my life only be worth so much like just a few thousand dollars as it is now?  I know I have to be worth more than that!  I do still plan to do some volunteer work once my princess gets her paperwork completed.  I'm very much looking forward to that and I know helping others like that will help me in the long run.

Well I did stay up for New Year's and made out with my honey as we usually do. We were both crying and holding each other in our arms that I had made it this far when the doctors were not so sure that I wouldn't last!  I'm still alive and I hope to fight to stay alive much longer.!  My husband and I make one hell of a team together and he sure give me much hope, love, and faith that I can I make it.  He always tells me that I am the one who walks among angels.  Its such a strong thing to say to someone who is going through what I am going through and it gets me by each day.

We have lots to do next week in order to make sure I still have some sort of insurance and that I get paid.  My honey has so many responsibilities in taking care of me and I'm so proud of him.  So many people to call, bills to document, accounts and account numbers to get ready for him; I want to get everything done that needs to be in case something does happen.  I would hate for him not to be prepared and to be scared to death. There are so many ways for him to cope and I want the very best for him.  It is the reality of living with this disease and it doesn't look very good for me right now; but it could be much better right down the road; just right now it has been feeling more and more hopeless.  I hope to do a video for him that will prepare him but I need to a good Tripod for my camera so that I may do this right.

OK enough with the politics.  My health is pretty much the same and I am maintaining at around 106-109.5.  Thank God!  I am planning on a visit from my mother and my Aunt January 10th - 12th.   I'm so excited to see my Aunt Mary as I haven't seen her since at least 1990!  She is such a jovial woman with the best sense of humor that would make you laugh so hard that you would have to pee.  She is incredibly creative and wonderful with arts such as crafting, quilting, sewing,  ceramics and so much more!  I wish they could stay longer but that's all they can visit with me.  We won't be able to do that much but hopefully just spending some good quality time and lots of great photos.  I do have a good bead shop and antique stores in mind to go visit while they are here and we should have a blast.

Sorry I just realized Tonto is licking his butt in this photo; I hope you can look past that and see the cute dog  and tree.  Sorry about that!  He still is a cute kitty despite his horrid habits.!)  My brother is also planning a visit and I may even get a visit from an old friend from High School who lives in SC.  I hope she can come visit me! I sure miss her.  Perhaps many of my old friends can visit with me this year; we will see!  I am hoping to go up to the snow soon as well and soon!  It's been killing me this super cold weather and storms we have been having.   If not to board; to at least be around it.  OH GOD I miss it!  I want so bad to just go down a mountain on my board!  That is the best feeling ever! Well sorry for such a short post and I wish you all Peace, Love, and Happiness this whole year!  A cure for Cancer would be great!  If there really is a cure for Cancer I expect to expose it to the media if at all possible and become the human guinea pig for many! That would be great!)