WARNING: Some of the Content here may be Objectionable to some. I have this blog labeled as "Adult Only" as a common courtesy for those who may easily be offended by Adult topics such as the Truth, Down to Earth topics, realities of living with Ovarian Cancer and/or any life threatening disease that goes along with it; Sexuality, Medicinal Cannabis, Profanity, and of course plenty of unpleasant body functions are also discussed here. This is a very tough battle for which I don't intend to hold anything back on what I am facing.

This blog is very personal and comes from the heart of a real fighting cancer patient who wishes nothing more than to live for all of those I love my own will to live, and my love of life. While sometimes I might be on heavy medication (prescribed by my doctor) and occasionally I might write about things or subjects that one may never even think about or consider; so please consider that as well. Yes; whacked out things might even be found here; but I mean everything in all good intentions.

This blog is not at all intended for the faint hearted, those who lack a sense of humor, have no idea what down to earth means, greedy mean people, and/or those who don't know how to share the world with others, and especially those who are unable to easily put themselves into the shoes of others. This blog is mostly about my journey of living my life in the best ways that I can under the Golden Rule and appreciating all of the GOOD KHARMA that comes my way! Never take anything in this world for granted; especially family and friends!

Friday, January 15, 2010

All this Beautiful Wonderful Rain!

My sincere apologies for not updating this blog this week as much as I had wanted to.  I did almost publish a full page of hard, hard work that I had done on this blog and blogger had frozen up; I waited for hours to be able to save all of my hard work but of course that didn't happen.  I figured it had saved but when I got up this morning to try to publish again there were only 2 little paragraphs and no photos or all of that hard work of typing up so much about what had gone on this whole week.  Here is the first of the two paragraphs I had finished.

Oh, how I wish we could have  just put the dam snowboard racks on the truck, so that we could just pack up and just go!  We have been getting the most amazing rain these past couple of days.   I love the sounds of rain hitting the top of our home; it reminds me of running all over the house, packing things up, getting all my snowboard gear together, running packed bags and things to and from the house and the garage!  I want so badly to go snowboarding; just for a few days!  I just can't admit  to myself that I am not strong enough to go  just yet  but I am practicing some on the Indo board; my legs for some reason are no where near as strong as they were a year ago.  I have lost so much strength in my legs; I did go for a bike ride last night and even several times this week (and today!)

I can't believe I have been sleeping so much!  It always scares me when I sleep for so long and just don't have the strength to get out of bed.  It will be like one day I am so ambitions and get started doing everything imaginable in the house from vacuuming, to sweeping and mopping, laundry, folding clothes on the couch, then picking up large stacks and putting them away or carrying large baskets of dirty downstairs and then carrying stacks of laundry upstairs.  I even want to try to hang up a few photos and even order some photos for my aunt and mother.  The day after the ambitious day is spent all day in bed.  I have no energy to get out of bed; I just sleep all day long and just waste it away.  3 days of this week have been wasted; but at least the nights are not too wasted; I get some things done at night; I just hate the feeling of wasting any days because I still don't know just how many I have left.

This photo was actually taken the day before they were due to arrive; I had just washed my car and filled up the tank so that my mom and aunt could use the car to drive around town.  Yes I did get the opportunity to talk with both of them and my Aunt did tell me that she is so very ashamed of herself for putting my mother through such a horrible, horrible situation and for disappointing me; I did forgive her.  I didn't have the heart not to!)

When I talked with my poor mom, she was so frustrated at having to lie to me; but the truth of the matter concerning their trip  of first driving across halfway across the continent and then boarding a plane in St. Louis, MO was; well they were almost there and it was snowing just outside of their hotel room in Kentucky (more than likely is was Peducah which is just outside of St. Louis).  My aunt just totally freaked out on the snow; she refused to go any further on that trip; she wanted to go home after driving so many hours and almost being there to board that plane to CA.  She was very scared that she would have to walk in the snow. 

Well here in sunny San Jose, CA; we just got some rain; no snow for us except in the Sierra's.  She would not have had to walk in the snow; just drive in it and then park the car in long term parking, then wait for a bus which would have taken them to the airport (that's the way it is here (SJC)); she just did not want to walk in the ice.  Yes, they drove 12-15 hours and then decided to turn around because she didn't wish to walk in snow and ice?  It was so insane and my mom nearly lost her mind going through all of that; it was like trying to convince a rock.  My aunt lost it and my mom was unable to convince her to come to see me.   It was  a time and a moment where my Aunt was just thinking of herself, being selfish and many people unfortunately do that; not that extreme but they can be selfish in their own ways.  My mom wanted so badly to come see me but they were able to reschedule the trip (thank god the airline would not refund; only exchange! Yippee!= I still get to see my aunt.)  I can't wait to see them and this time they are flying from Charlotte, NC.  Much closer and no where near as much driving to do!)

I did get to talk with my Aunt and she apologized and told me how embarrassed and how foolish she felt that she put my mom and I through this.  She told me that Old Ladies do dumb things sometimes and I told her that I do plenty of dumb things myself but I do know that I sure wouldn't do something like that!  I am still trying to conceive of how it all happened and I can picture the two of them getting cross with one another and agueing and bitching at one another; it must have been brutal! I was really looking forward to spending time with them well now it will be February 8th when they arrive.  I have a surgery on February 10th to replace my ureter stint.  I sure hope this isn't just another reason that the doctors wish to end my life soon; I'm just more trouble than I am worth. 

Well tomorrow my dad will arrive into town to see me and to help us out on a few little house projects and to have plenty of fun together.  I'm so looking forward to it and guess what; I may not be able to have much time to update my blog.  My nice neighbor next door is allowing my dad to stay in his extra room so that will help so much.   I do have the most wonderful neighbors I could ever ask for.  One cool thing that I would like to do with my father (providing my bowels behave) is to ride our cruiser bikes to Santana Row, Lock them up and then  go see "Avatar" with 3 D and of course Miss Blue Belle may be able to ride along with us (we will see= she loves to go to the movies!= it's the popcorn and snacks). 

I do have this one weird strange neighbor that keeps walking around in the back near our garage as if she is out looking for me.  I keep seeing her behind our place and she gives me the most scary mean looks; actually she glares at me.  I will one day ask her what is wrong and tell her of my situation; maybe she has a spell put on me and wants me to die?  I hope not.  Although right now (I just took Miss Blue Belle out for a run out on my bike (she gets to run along side next to me)  around the block (2 blocks) and when we returned, Hilda the Hun was out walking behind our place.   She has this wide stance and is an Indian or Middle Eastern Woman who dresses in garb (not garbage; I don't wish to offend any one; some of those sheets and stuff have very beautiful colors and go together  so elegantly; I think many Middle Eastern Women are very beautiful but this one has a sort of beard and a little bit of a mustache, but her garb is mostly dark forest green and black sometimes with a dark blood red hat or head covering.  To me,  she seems really weird and strange around me (I call her Hilda the Hun = well she could be somebody's Hun I suppose?)  She appears to have an extreme hatred of Blue Belle (and me too even though I smile and say hello to her each time) and she will look at Blue Belle each and every time as if she would love more than anything to make a great stew with her and what the hell am I doing walking around something that could potentially become such delicious, delectable dish in times like these?  When ever I do smile and say hi to her, she just glares at me and  always strikes me the coldest strike me dead  looks and with the glare that she gives  sends me chills each and every time.  Why don't I just sacrifice  the dam dirty dog and skin her,  just make this cold woman a nice stew, and then I could be a nice neighbor and share the meal with her and her family?  Anyway, I couldn't even dream of doing such a thing for Hilda; no Blue Belle stew! Sorry!

I did have  a very nice sweet neighbor cook me a nice little meal of soup, bread and a special  spice bread which I had gotten from her last year around this time and it was to die for!  just yesterday evening.  The card she gave me made me all teary eyed because it was so touching and sweet; she is there for me no matter what.  It's so awesome to have that kind of support.   Everything she brought me was so good and I am so blessed to have great neighbors who do care so much about me.  I am starting to gain some more weight and am now up to 112 lbs.  Yippee!  Once I get up to 120ish and up; I may even be able to start working; oh how I hope so!  I will surprise my doctor and all those nurses and probably even my co-workers!).  My body is strong as you can clearly see me doing these somewhat difficult poses for most.  See I need to focus my energy on all the good in this world and stop worrying about the bad things because there are plenty of good things that are happening out here in this world.  Well the Haiti Earthquake wasn't very good and I was able to donate just $2 at Whole Foods when my best friend came out to take me shopping there last night. 

Also, I did get another visit from the Social worker on Tuesday and of course I cried my eyes out at the realities that we are facing. I am starting to think more and more about our Health Care system and how stupid those Republicans (OK there were some dumb Democrats out there too!) were being for saying that if we all get health insurance for all then Grandma will die; well the way that it is now; grandma is being killed.  I am being pushed towards Hospice Care which is the end of life care in that they pretty much help me end my life with dignity.  I just don't want that just yet; why am I being pushed so much towards this?  If I do choose to go onto Hospice Care; they are not allowed to save my life should I need anything life saving like surgery, IV fluids, or intravenous feedings.  I am on IV fluids everyday now and of course it is saving my life right now and if I were to get an abdominal blockage where as now I could just go to the emergency room to deal with it; on hospice care I would just be drugged up until the blockage killed me; because that is exactly what would happen.  So how is this current situation not about killing grandma?  I know technically I'm not a grandma but in fact I am old enough to be a grandma as scary as that sounds.  A girl that I used to work with who happens to be a young woman has a young teenage daughter who just had a baby last year and this woman is a few years younger than me; but technically she is a grandma.  I can't stand dishonest people and those representatives for those towns were being completely dishonest with their constituents in making up those false statements like those.

I wish so much that our Health Care System was more about Saving Lives and not all about Profit Margins and such.  A life should be worth more than any amount of money.; not about making lots of money until the body gives out and then makes the patient die a slow painful death because the body can't take any more of those poisons.   I see so many pharmaceutical commercials that it downright scares me with all those potentially life altering side effects that many of these drugs cause.  It's illegal to use natural substances to make drugs because you can't patent it?  We need to make drugs that work and cure patients; not just treat them; but actually cure them.    I know that if I could only stay alive for many years longer; I could do a lot of positive things in my life to help others.  It just goes to show you that you do have to enjoy every day that you are blessed with and boy do I.  I love every morning when I  get to wake up next to that very handsome husband of mine.  That's what keeps me going everyday.  If he stays in bed; I can't get out of bed.  "He is the butter to my bread and the air to my breath"?  (Yes, I watched Julie and Julia; loved Meryl Streep in the movie but Amy Adams  just had this winey little voice that was quite annoying.)   She was kind of the same in the movie "It's Complicated" too.  I guess I'm just not a big fan of Amy Adams; I'm sure she is nice but her voice isn't captivating like so many other actresses.  I love Meg Ryan, Demi Moore, Julia Roberts, Charlize Theron, Selma Blair, Wynona Ryder, and so many countless others who have great voices; I just don't like that talking out of your nose sound.  It doesn't sound that great to me at least. 

Well sorry for so many links but Amazon has this really fun tool where you can make just about any kind of link you wish to out of what you blog!  It pretty fun!  I hope you all are having a splendid New Year and that everything is going about as planned for each of you!  Here's to a Healthy and Happy 2010 and so far so good!)  Peace and Love to All!

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l'optimiste said...

oo - I used to hate it when blogger did that with a whole post! Just ate it and then I'd have to start from the beginning. I use Windows Live Writer now. It saves a copy on your hard drive - plus all the links and pics.

Glad you sorted out Mum and Auntie! I wonder of the Hilda person speaks any english? That could be the problem?

Have a good weekend babe - hope you get to Santana Row on the bike!

nat said...

I'm so glad your dad is coming out - and also glad that you talked to your aunt. I'm glad that they are going to fly from closer to home this time. Maybe then, if your aunt tries to back out again, your mom will still come!

I say that you accost this "hilda", and introduce yourself! Kill her with kindness :)

I like the idea of hospice for those who want it - but you are not ready for it. You still have fight and will, and it angers me that they keep trying to *push* you into it! I would not be willing to forego lifesaving services (surgery, fluids, etc) either.

Take care CJ - rest when your body wants rest. (and don't feel guilty for it!) ;)

Kia Taylor said...

Have a great time with your dad!! So happy things worked out with your mom & aunt, lot's to look forward to. Like Nat said, sleep when you can and run like a crazy woman when you want!! xoxo

Ambrosia said...

I'm glad to hear you're gaining weight! Here's to getting up to 120lb!

I, too, wish our government 'leaders' would get their asses on straight and start doing something that actually benefits the People. Here's to seeing that happen, too!

TC said...

Happy new year, keep up the postive attitude and I hope all of your relatives visits are GREAT!!!

Levi said...

From my experience with hospice, I thought a patient *could* decide at any moment (once in hospice) to get additional (more) care. I mean if you sign the (DNR) paper that says you don't want to be resuscitated if something happens, then you *may not* have a choice if you're out of it and something happens. Though as a patient, you alway have a choice and once in hospice, you don't have to stay in hospice like it's a permanent ziplock bag.

You *do* have choices always, until you stop breathing and then who knows about the wondrous choices available after that?

I hate that you feel pressured. I think you should tell whomever is talking to you about hospice that you feel like you are being pressured and that it's discouraging and you're not in the mood to hear discouraging news -- especially for someone who's aching to go snowboarding and riding a bicycle.

I'm sure that everyone wants the best for you.

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My techniques and treatments work simply for me and may not produce the same results for others. Cancer is a very tricky disease in which it is very different in everyone it touches. No two cancers are the same just as we humans are not the same. What works for me may not work for others.

I love life and expect to live for as long as I can. I intend to use those treatments that do work for me which includes medicinal cannabis. I'm still alive with this disease over 7 years later because of this miracle plant and as long as I have my medicine available; I intend to survive many more years. I hope one day the Federal Government will eventually grow up and be led by true leaders who represent the people and not just coorporations; real people who live by the Golden Rule "treat others how you would want to be treated". I also hope the Government of the US can finally learn to admit that it has made a mortal mistake in making this life saving plant which is provided by GOD and does indeed have the ability to provide all of us with food, fuel, clothing, shelter, and medicine; a mistake that have made is that it is illegal. Yes, it was a mistake out of greed, ignorance, and racism that this miracle plant is illegal. This is a confirmed fact and we should all know and face it.

Cannabis is not at all harmful and in fact quite the opposite. Perhaps our economy can once again grow as it has in the turn of the century by making this life saving plant legal once again.

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