Another day for pain....

What makes me so happy and keeps me going is this wonderful man in this photo. He is the best thing that has ever happened to me other than life itself. We fight this disease hand in hand. We are pretty powerful together.

I fight this disease so hard and am so tough and also hard headed to the pain, but sometimes it does get the best of me. I started this blog with every intention of making others feel better about their own situations as I fight mine. This cancer has taught me and maybe others quite a bit about treasuring your life, your right now and trying to improve the future or the outcome.

I don't even have children but would fear bringing them up in the world today. Fear is a horrible thing that our government utilizes as a tool. I wonder about cancer starting out with fear and the body feeling fear and stress, as muscles tighten, constrict and then releasing toxins into the body. I am not at all a doctor, but these processes really make me wonder. If the government is going to scare the crap out of all of us to control us while the stress of their control causes unlimited amounts of health problems, the least they could do is to provide us with universal health care.

I feel the actions within my body daily. My abdomen reacts strangely especially after 4 abdominal surgeries where each time my intestines were taken outside of my cavity and worked on whether it be scraped for cancer, inspected for holes, stapled or sewn together. That's what happened to them and I know they are not the same and will never ever return to being the same. I don't blame my intestines or my body for making such a fuss when I accidentally crave the wrong foods. I'm still learning.

To get back to my pains; I just made the mistake of eating on an off day and succumbing to my weakness for my favorite food ever, Pizza. See, I'm not perfect, but I do live by the moment and how I feel.

My intestines have been stirring very violently and its also very painful. They swell up, make violently loud noises as they struggle with the difficulty of digesting food. Then all of sudden, it feels as if I just got kicked in the gut. It takes my breath away and I fall to my feet. I struggle with breathing trying my best not feel the intense pain. I hold my stomach gently as I wish the pain away, I meditate, breath slowly and then vaporize.

The doctor had told me, not to take any medications or pills for pain because of the dangers of getting further blocked and side effects. If I do, I taste the pill coming up my esophacus and it tastes so horrible that I don't feel the need to drink anything or consume anything.

My intestines are blocked at this point and nothing can get through and so its the waiting game until a miracle happens. I can feel the gas because every once in a while, I can sometimes force out a burp. My husband farting in the back room doesn't make things much easier for me although I do sit there and wish it was me releasing that pressure. If you can fart, I hope you consider yourself lucky! Farting can be such a blessing! I can't right now and my body really wants to. Didn't mean to get to this topic, but its real and feel free to laugh because I certainly am. Other people just wish for complicated things, while I just wish for simpler (like taking a dump!)

The vapor dissipates the pain for right now as I breath more slowly and am able numb the pain. My mouth feels so dry and the taste has gone away, so I drink more water and can't get enough of it. I close my eyes and slow my breath as I meditate and pray to god that the pain go away. I thank him each and every time my husband who takes care of me and all those around me. All the good people in this world that make a difference. The meditation and praying helps me to calm the pain. For me and hopefully you too, every day is a new miracle to make the most of time.