Decrease my intake...when will it work?

Decreasing my imput is what my doctor is telling me to do and he is on call this weekend in case we need to go in which is a relief.  These past couple of days have been incredibly painful  and trying for me as I continue my efforts to avoid going into the ER.  I'm so scared that I won't come home alive and that this could be my time.  I sure hope not.  True, none of us know and by me being so scared it's not helping me in any way.  I want so bad to survive this horrible curse as long as possible because of all the great things in my life; most of all my husband.  Sometimes I even feel guilty for it seems that I'm just stringing him along  this horrible journey of mine and that he indeed deserves  so much better than this.  I love him with all of my heart and soul and  I hate more than anything seeing him suffer seeing me like this and in the pain that I am suffering.  It's sometimes too much!

Last night was the most trying night of all and while  I did make it through the night sleeping on the couch;   I had to leave my G-Tube open all night so that my stomach contents could constantly drain. or else wake up from time to time feeling like I was having the most horrid heart burn/ attack ever; just like my heart is being being squished beyond recognition; like a car is running over my heart.   It is horrific pain.   I'm not so sure I like having to do all this shit to stay alive but I just do what I need to do everyday.  I'm surviving artificially right now and my husband and I have been talking seriously about taking me off TPN because it seems its doing me more harm than good.  It doesn't seem like healthy conversation to most but what am I to do?  I have to think about the future and if I will make it? 

I'm puking all the time it seems and constantly having to drain my stomach.  I can't even go on a short walk with my dog without puking somewhere in the bushes.  This time when I puke it's horrible pain on my tummy and my heart.  It almost feels as if I am having a heart attack each time and I cry and hold my knees  and bang on my chest to try to ease the pain.  So far the vaporizer is working at least for a little while; the Dilaudid is like eating sugar; it's doing nothing for this pain.  My mouth seems to have to stay dry because even if I have just a sip of water;  if I do, I get sick.  Something is seriously wrong with me and we may be heading into the hospital today.  This is just an update for many.  As I was typing; my husband had just replaced my medical waste bag and this little clown was around to make me smile even though its very hard at this point being so scared for my life right now.

I took Blue Belle outside to play with one her little doggie friends and I sat out in the sun for a bit to absorb some vitamin D.  I hope to feel better as this day progresses. 

I promise to fight as hard as I can but I don't know what's around the corner for me or if anything can be done to ease my suffering.  Peace and Love to all of you!  I hope one day there will be a cure for this dreadful disease and that NO ONE has  to suffer as I do.  I don't mind the suffering too much;  if is more than worth it to be around for my honey.  I feel that I'm too young and still too strong to let go just yet!)  For now I'm going to fight as hard as I can to be around and give others hope that they too can survive this disease despite setbacks.  The human body can be very resiliant and I will face what I have to face what ever happens to me.  I'm ready still!)

More updates to come!)

Recovering from Multiple Surgeries.....

It's no secret that I have had 7 major abdominal surgeries and yes each and every one of them kicked my ass hard.  I am still recovering from surgeries 5 and 6 because my tummy was short on some skin to sew me back up so there is a little mountain where my pelvis is.  Really weird; and the radiation rash doesn't make me all the more attractive either.   

Here is my Blog video for which part of it got cut off (sorry!():  I am riding my bike and I thought it might be cool if I took my readers on a  typical bike ride that I take almost everyday.  It's not the whole ride but half of it.  I had forgotten to push play for the first part.  I do talk a lot about my intestines not being able to digest any food.  I got several nights in a row and am also having a hard time going number 2.  The pain has been going through the roof but the vaporizer has been helping out quite a bit if only I utilized it more.  I forget to sometimes and even taking prescribed pain medications.  It's important to not get behind the pain because it is so hard to keep up and that's what I am going through now.

What's really scary is that I never know if I will wake up the next day; I got to sleep scared sometimes.  Just North of San Jose is a community known as San Bruno; (this is about 20-30 miles away from me) many people lost their homes and everything they owned; some even lost their lives and this is a lesson that we never know what one moment might bring.  Life can never be taken for granted and although some of my friends down there are safe and sound; I worry about those other families who are not.  I'm praying for everyone and will hopefully be able to bring down my big bag of blankets and pillows; maybe even some groceries.  What ever we can do.  It's a long way for me to go but we will see.   I did hear on the news that the volunteers are beginning to outnumber the evacuees.  Yeah!  I'm so glad; those people need all the help they can get.   I couldn't imagine loosing everything with in seconds but it is a reminder of what is most important in life; your loved ones!)  The explosions were a fire bomb hell; a gas explosion from PG&E's old pipes.  There have even been numerous reports that some people had been smelling gas for about a week and that PG&E trucks had been seen days earlier prior to this huge blast.

Back to my health as I briefly talked about in my video.  My honey and I just do our best each and every day and I don't beat myself up if I have to flake out on something that we had tried to plan.  Yes, we can't plan for anything these days.    My insides are totally and completely unpredictable while I have the very best intentions; I hate that I can't help out sometimes or be at the places I would like to be.  My honey and I are now trying to avoid the ER  these past couple of days and I did email my doctor (late last night = not sleeping)  about all this strange green colored puke I have been aching and getting out of my system.  OMG does it taste horrid!   Then there is this yellow puke that is the most putrid sour taste ever and it's hard to get that taste out of my mouth.  It is grotesque.  It is the worst taste and it burns the living shit out of my throat and not to mention all of those thrusts are doing to my poor tummy!   At this point; my tummy feels like I just did 500 sit-ups and will usually cramp up.  This is the point where I have to say; enough is enough.   My tummy feels more and more cut up on each time I have to puke;  well at least I never have the need to  to put my finger(s) down my throat; it's just happening more than naturally.   Oh how I hate it!  I wish I could stop puking; just to be able to eat something, not feel this painful, painful heartburn, and I wish I could take a nice shit!) Sorry just being honest.    If you can do all the above you are blessed!  Money can not buy happiness!  You have total control of it!  Peace and Love to all of you! Hope you like my videos.

 As promised before; here is our next Rescue Baby.  Her name is Chiquita and she was born in May 2009.   She is a paint / Quarterhorse cross.  Please contact the Animali Farm if interested.

I think she is absolutely lovely and her adoption fee is $500. 

Signs and Symptoms of Ovarian Cancer...and survival...

I got this information from the Mayo Clinic and most of this information is pretty dead on.

What makes Ovarian Cancer so hard to detect is that the symptoms of ovarian cancer  seems to  mimic those of many other more common conditions, which includes many digestive and bladder disorders. A woman with ovarian cancer will most likely be diagnosed with another condition before she  finally learns that she has cancer and  usually by that time; it usually in its later stages. Common misdiagnoses include irritable bowel syndrome, stress and depression. 

The key to finding out one has the disease is that the symptoms seem to be persistent or those signs and symptoms become worse. With most digestive disorders, symptoms tend to come and go, or they occur in certain situations or after eating certain foods. With ovarian cancer, there's typically very little fluctuation — symptoms are constant and will gradually worsen. 

Recent studies have shown that women with ovarian cancer are more likely than are other women to consistently experience the following symptoms:

• Abdominal pressure, fullness, swelling or bloating
• Urinary urgency
• Pelvic discomfort or pain
• Persistent indigestion, gas or nausea
• Unexplained changes in bowel habits, such as constipation
• Changes in bladder habits, including a frequent need to urinate
• Loss of appetite or quickly feeling full
• Increased abdominal girth or clothes fitting tighter around your waist
• Pain during intercourse (dyspareunia)
• A persistent lack of energy
• Low back pain
• Changes in menstruation

When to see a doctor (Gynecologic Oncologist) 

Please see your doctor if you have swelling, bloating, pressure or pain in your abdomen or pelvis that lasts for more than a few weeks. If you've already seen a doctor and received a diagnosis other than ovarian cancer, but you're not getting any relief from treatment; be sure to schedule a follow-up visit with your doctor and/or get a second opinion. Make sure that a pelvic exam is a part of your evaluation and a transvaginal ultrasound will usually help with early diagnosis.

Even with the Transvaginal Ultrasound; I was still somewhat misdiagnosed and have been over the years.  At first it was my cervix which seemed to tilt and it was more than likely the cause of a tumor growing so big that it probably tilted my cervix to some degree.  I was the one with tilted cervix and this is why sometimes intercourse was painful at that time.  I was young and healthy and no one expected a thing.  Then with this transvaginal ultrasound, the tumors were thought to be benign cysts and I had 95% chance that they would only be benign cysts.  My husband and I reasearch all that we could about Ovarian Cysts.  From the results of that transvaginal ultrasound, it was indeed obvious to my Gynocologist that I would require surgery.  He told me that I had a 5% chance it was cancer and that just in case a very skilled Oncologist would be on hand should it be Ovarian Cancer.  We all know what happened after that.

Here is a photo of myself months before being diagnosed; I just a little chunky (happy fat from being happy with my honey.  My stomach was swollen at this point and I was trying to get a hold of my happy fat.  I was about 155lbs here. All woman! Nice big booty! Oh how I miss it; I miss all of my fabulous curves I used to have.  My honey is still happy despite all the ugliness of my tummy now.

If you have a history of ovarian cancer or a strong history of breast cancer in your family, strongly consider seeing a doctor trained to detect and care for ovarian cancer patients so that you can talk about screening, genetic testing and treatment options while you are disease-free. 

I had no idea that Ovarian Cancer was even in my family.  I do remember that my grandfather had passed away from Colon Cancer and one of my cousins had mention that my great grandmother or it could have been my grandmother who had a sister who died at age 32 of Ovarian Cancer; whommmm?  I was diagnosed at age 32 and it was almost sure that I wouldn't make it to 35 since many women that are diagnosed at stage III often don't survive past 2-3 years.  I maybe had a 15 percent chance of making it past 5 years but I didn't quite want to know the statistics of me surviving past 10 years.  At this point; everyday is a blessing.  I don't care how much pain I'm in; it's still a blessing.

Well sometimes I do have to admit that the pain can be downright horrifying; and I did have some of that this weekend.  I still have an abdominal blockage and have not had a number 2 in 3 days (this is day 3).  Most people would wish for more money, more success, babies, a big house, a nice job; what do I wish for?  Only to have the ability to take a nice decent dumpage!) or a nice big shit for those who don't get my made up words.

I have trying everything I can and something has got to happen by tonight or tomorrow morning or we may be visiting the ER.  I can't even fart so there is air pockets which are the real source of persistent pain.  I utilizing 1 Percocet and I took 2 Ml of liquid dilaudid this morning.  Oh GOD, how I hate having to take these narcotics but the pain has been through the roof.  I can just lay there as the rolls would continue; they are kind of like pain rolls and I can't eat anything; can't hold it in.  I eat anything (only things I can bare to eat look like poo or are the consistency of gooey poo!)  Just being honest about what I am going through. 

Well I am still riding my bike everyday; skipped on Friday because I was in too much pain; some days I have energy and some days I just don't; I just live one day at a time and one moment at a time.  I certainly cherish all the time I get to spend with my honey, pet, friends, and family.  I appreciate all that everyone does around me to ensure that my life is good.  Thank you and even having readers who seem to improve their lives because of my blog makes my life all the more worth living despite all stupid, stupid, crappy pain.  I hate it and I hope I can get rid of it.  The vaporizer helped me so much this weekend. I was able to stomach medication and to drink more water.  Boy did my mouth get dry and I drank about 5 glasses of water. What a miracle and I certainly hope that many more cancer patients lives are given a chance with those patients also being able to utilize cannabis rather than taking more narcotics.  I take some, but supplement most with my cannabis and it sure makes a difference.  It doesn't even count as a gateway drug.  Most addicts I have ever spoke with  have told me that cigarettes were their gateway drugs.  It makes sense.  

Anyway, I should go for now and hope to post some more photos.  Could not resist some oldies but goodies of Toonces the driving cat.   He loved to ride in the car and I found him the same evening I had met my husband.  It was about 3 in morning with this scrawny little tailess kitten bounced over towards me crying and I didn't have the arms to pick him up so I allowed for him to come into the house with me.  I gave him a bath and forgot to put out a litter box for him; not sure how he figured this out but he got out of my room and went right across the hall into the main bathroom.  He took a slimy little diarrhea shit right in front of the toilet. (on the floor facing the toilet) I heard this scream from a man  (my filthy hippy roommate) who had gone into the bathroom to do his duties in the toilet and had stepped in bunny girl's poo in his socks; what a mess   that was and it stank to high heaven.  What the hell was that little kitty eating?  I puked as I was trying to clean it up.  Oh it was bad! 

He was such a cute kitten that I took him to the San Francisco Humane Society for a free spay.  I really thought he was little girl and he didn't have any boy stuff down there.  Anyway, I took him early on Monday morning; dropped him off and left my name and info and they brought back my kitty castle (box) and I asked if I could keep this with him; and the girl who brought back the box stated "we can spay him, he is already neutered!".  I laughed so hard and everyone else in the office also erupted with laughter.  Poor old Toonce (well he wasn't old then = just about 6 months old.  Well since he loved riding in the car; I had to name him Toonces.  God Rest his soul!  My very first therapy pet.  I will never forget him!  My honey and Toonce sure looked amazingly cut in this photo together.  I hope you all enjoyed this post!  Anyway here is some information about another young horse who needs a home or some help.  I donated $100 of my own saving to help them buy some food and I know they need it.  Bless their hearts in them helping my favorites animals ever!

Nugget is a 1 and half year old Draft filly cross (did I say that right?).  She  looks like an Albino but has blue eyes and very gorgeous indeed.  Animali Farm is a wonderful organization which rescurs PMU mares and foals from this inhumane industry.  I sure hope one person is able to adopt her or just donate  some hay and food for her and some her friends.   These horses could do so much; police, rescue, and therapy.  I wish so much I could help others in this way and being paid to be around the horses! What a dream job that would be!)  It's too little too late but at least I get to write about them and tell all of you how special they are.  Peace and Love to all of you!

Ovarian Cancer Awareness Month...

  According to the CDC,  "Among women in the United States, ovarian cancer is the eighth most common cancer and the fifth leading cause of cancer death, after lung and bronchus, breast, colorectal, and pancreatic cancers.  Ovarian cancer causes more deaths than any other cancer of the female reproductive system.  Ovarian cancer incidence (new cases) and mortality (deaths) rates are higher among Caucasian women than for women of any other racial group."

In 2006,*

• 19,994 women in the U.S. learned they had ovarian cancer, and 14,857 women died from the disease.
• It is estimated that more than $2.2 billion† is spent on the treatment of ovarian cancer per year in the U.S.

 This month there are many walks going on all over the world in order to raise money for awareness and or treatments for many patients who may not be able to afford treatments.   Here's to a cure in this lifetime!)  So many thousands of women are diagnosed too late as I was.  When this disease is in its advanced stages; it is a killer and it doesn't even have to be.  I would love for 2010 to be the year we find a cure; if not next year. 


Well this happens to be one of those days where I'm not feeling all that great and it's a reminder of how serious this disease is.  My tummy feels all cut up and I bet it's from the radiation treatments I had in July.  Wow! Still suffering from those and the radiation burns are now moving up my body.  The area that wasn't so pleasant has healed but now my tummy is red, burned, and parts of it pealing a bubbling like a horrible sun burn.  It's pretty uncomfortable. 

As for it being rough myself; we are facing another ER run and I'm fighting it with all my might.  Last night my honey tried changing my gastric tube dressing and for some reason the hole where the tube sticks out is pinching like a MF.  With just the slightest touch; I'm screaming and crying in pain because it literally feels as if my flesh is being pulled off the bone and right there on my tummy where it feels even more vulnerable.  All he is doing is cleaning the area very lightly and barely touching the area; but for me it feels horrid (as if the tube is being pulled out).   I'm also puking up a storm and the tube seems to be getting blocked with food so that in turn is making me so sick that I'm having trouble breathing normally.  If I try to get up, I feel horrible pressure on my abdomen; like the tube is being pulled out.  I wonder if my tummy hole is infected?  My husband feels horrible as he tries hard to  change the dressing and clean the area as best he can, I can't even find a comfy way to lie there so that he can do this more easily.  I feel so guilty that I can't even take this pain like a man would but I can't; it is just way to painful to even comprehend.  I can't believe it.  My breathing becomes more labored (uncontrollably) as I scare the living shit out of my husband.  He is very worried about me and this causes so much unneeded stress on his system.  I wish at this point that I could take it all away and my frustration only leads me to crying more tears.  Maybe I could learn to massage him better so that his stresses are gone, gone, gone! He has stress from work and even more added stress from my bullshit.   I wish so much I could control this much better and just pretend that I'm not in any kind of pain.   I wish the pain was not great; sometimes they are sharp piercing pains that take my breath away and all I can do is squeal. Why does this pain have to hurt so?  What did I do so wrong that I have to be in such horrible horrible pain?

We need a vacation so badly and his extended leave from work involved no type of relaxation; it was all about me healing from more surgeries and/ or preparing for the end of my life.   Well the doctor did say that I had less than six months to live so my husband felt that he would like to spend those last six months with me.  Well I have survived that and much longer than expected.  I keep surprising those doctors; so now I'm just a walking medical experiment.   It's so amazing that I'm still alive and that I keep waking up despite all odds.  I don't even know what's in my body or what my body can handle.

I do hope one day I will be able ride a horse despite all of my problems in my tummy.   Horses are such amazing animals; they are prey animals and depend on the rider for security and leadership.  Well here is a youngster who deserves a second chance.  This is Big Mac who happens to be another blue eyed beauty and an appaloosa.  He was born on July 17th, 2009; so he's a little over a year old.  He is 1/2 thoroughbred with a mixture of Shire, Percheron, Appaloosa, and Paint.  He was born at the Animali Farm and his adoption fee will many many foals like himself.  $3000 for this little boy who is going to be a big boy when he grows up. They have another one named Charlie who is a few months older and was born in May 2009; he is a bay Draft Cross and he only $500.

Here is Charlie doing a full gallop!)  Oh how I love horses and could have all of these wonderful horses who deserve nothing more than a second chance in a good home!  It sucks that my townhouse just won't do; but for now I have visit with my friends who are kind enough to have horses for me to visit with.  I have to have my horse therapy every once in a while.  Their smell and their presence does something for me that dogs and cats are unable to.  My honey is promising me some horse therapy this weekend!) Let's hope we can do just that; my health is so crazy we never know day to day if I can do certain things.  This is something I really feel I have to do; pet and /or brush a gorgeous horse and he has friends who happen to have gorgeous horses!  Oh I can't wait!)


It's hard to believe that labor day is just around the corner and I sure hope that all of us are able to enjoy this weekend!  Peace and Love to all of you!