Sick again and hopefully rocovered.....

I have to admit that I had a very nice relaxing 38th birthday on Saturday (14th) and my husband and I took our time packing for our Sunday day trip up north. We were planning to stay somewhere nice in the city (San Francisco) although that scary scary MSNBC report on bed bugs did not do anything to ease my fears of getting attacked by those scary, scary bugs. As a preventative measure, I sprayed Eucalyptus and Lemon on my entire suitcase and myself too! The report on the bed bugs covered San Francisco well in saying that the city's hotels were now loaded with Bedbugs and to be careful. I told my husband that I would rather sleep outside in a barn or in the woods than to sleep in a jank hotel in the city not that we would have to stay in a janky hotel but to me any hotel in the city would be janky if it contained bed bugs.

We drove over the Golden Gate bridge around 9:30am Sunday morning towards our first destination, Muir Beach located just south of Stinson Beach. While we were relaxing on the beach and staying warm, I saw this old man walk up the beach with his Golden Retriever very happily together. You could see right there, the unconditional love in each of their faces. The right side of the dog's face looked as if it had been burned severely to the point that he had lost his right eye. He got around so enthusiastically, happily and very unfazed which is basically how we should all get around. No feeling sorry for yourself, no complaining; just enjoying the world and each moment. No worrying, reliving the past or worrying about what has already happened, but concentrating on what is happening. I enjoyed just watching the two of them play in ocean together. Those moments were very beautiful and calming to me. I even watched as the owner snapped some gorgeous photos of his dog enjoying the moment.

My husband, Blue Belle and I sat relaxing on the beach, however it was very windy and cold, so we got up to go for a beautiful hike. We walked past some horses on our nature walk.

I was able to get my much needed Horse Therapy. After feeding these horses some dropped hay and fresh grasses, I noticed a sign that read "Do Not Feed the Horses Anything!" We pet the horses one last time and left them alone. I felt bad for breaking a very important rule, but I didn't notice until it was too late. Enjoy the moment I thought and we continued on.

We drove into the town of Stinson Beach for some lunch at the Sand Dollar Restaurant. It was very pet friendly restaurant and the owners were bummed by the recent visit by the Health Department which threatened them with closing down their restaurant for allowing dogs on the outside deck with dining customers. These types of laws do not make any sense to me. People eat with their dogs inside their homes all the time, people are allowed to smoke outside in restaurants and this can't be more unhealthy that smoking? It seems more to me a push of power and weight and of course $. I question a lot of what the government does in their so called "protecting us from dangers".


She can just smell the food in this photo above, but she wasn't allowed on the deck due to her having what the health department determines to be very deadly germs that could kill everyone in the restaurant. She wanted very much to be with us, but we were fortunate enough to still be able to sit close to her. I at least got to enjoy a wonderful meal with my husband and dog before getting another intestinal block. We shared a piece of chocolate cheesecake together for desert before I got very sick. My intestines started to churn about 30 minutes after we left the restaurant and I dealt with some pain for a couple of hours. The pain in my abdomen would come and go in waves as I tried my best to relax and enjoy the rest of the day.

We stopped in a little town called Bolinas to shop and to relax some more before heading back to San Francisco. We had our bags ready to stay the night in a hotel. We stopped at one to see if the hotel had a bathtub and since it didn't, we headed back to San Jose.

The kitties were very pleased that we didn't stay the night. My intestines started to get progressively worse as the evening wore on. I stayed home from work Mon-Thursday. Mon-Wed. was the worst of the days, and by Thursday, the blockage had eased up and my bowels were able to start functioning again. I didn't dare eat another thing the whole week.

This morning, my husband woke me up and took me shopping at the air conditioned mall since the temperatures were soaring past 104. We shopped and I got to move around and get my bowels working again. We shopped for a swimming suit and went for a nice late swim in my new suit.
Oh what a week & back to work tomorrow!

Laughter is so much fun!

Laughter really is the best medicine no matter what. It can make you loose yourself in what your body does when it absorbs a great laugh. I'm addicted to laughing for sure!

Sometimes I will say one thing either to myself or to someone else just for a good laugh. It could be at the expense of another but the important thing to do is to laugh no matter what.

I think that some people just choose to live their lives miserably by taking things way too personal, being too serious about such small things, too stressed, when they should just let it go and relax. Who really cares that much when you should be enjoying the moment?

I have never understood the politically correct way of doing and saying things as to not offend someone else. It seems you really have to walk on pins and needles all the time so that you don't hurt someone else's feelings? What kind of life is that and the media for making us have to live this way?

There are far greater ways of hurting; trust me. I don't get offended too easily at all by what other people say (I have a respect for other minds) and I can easily shrug things off. It is not at all hard to do or to just laugh at someone else for saying something so stupid. We all have our own minds, so why not share what's inside? We have to hold everything in! People need to know the truth and its not fair to candy coat things all the time.

Have you ever heard the saying "Sticks and Stones may break my bones, but words may never harm them"? Kids must NOT be taught that in school anymore because it seems that parents are getting way too carried away with hiding the truth from them and controlling each and everything that they have access to seeing and hearing. What ever happened to good old honesty and having a sense of humor? Kids will find out many things from school and the internet anyway.

I love to laugh at myself all the time because I can be a very funny person. It helps me a lot to cope with pain and sometimes I just have to say stupid things to myself just get a good laugh because it feels so darn good! OK sometimes it is mean things to say things about others, but at least I am laughing at the evil in the world. Laughing makes us feel good and its one moment in your life where you are happy to yourself.

I tend to laugh at the media and at journalists all the time. I don't trust them and I need more proof that their so called Reporting is really true. Lately, I have been hearing that what they (the Media and the Bush Administration) have been saying is not at all true and I suspected it wasn't the whole time. Sometimes journalist will say the most ludicrous things and I have to laugh at them for making such fools of themselves. They don't actually do the homework of really researching for the truth and hearsay is good enough for them. If their sources happen to be the government, then more researching is definitely needed.

I guess I am a bad candidate for propaganda because I don't buy it, no matter how much money (the Bush Administration) has spent on it; there are betters things to do with your life &/or money than to believe what you hear on television and the news. Fox Noise Channel is prime example of news where they seem to be reporting to a bunch of stupid people that the government would like us to think. We can't have minds of our own, so we are told things that are not at all true that we are supposed to believe as true.

The media, itself causes too much stress, pain, and suffering when they should at least consider that what they are reporting as news to all of us and/or all of those people who maybe don't have medical insurance (my brother, my mother, and millions of others) is actually causing stress that leads to unnecessary health problems. When we hear false reporting about how we should be stressing about certain situations, it does make your blood pressure go up at least a little bit. Over 64 million Americans don't have health insurance and to stress them out is plain wrong especially when the news is mostly false and propaganda meant to sell advertising.

Sorry to change the subject just a little bit. Here is a really funny video! OK its of McCain, but he one funny and crazy old man that I just can't picture running our country. He's just too old, and too insane, but I can at least laugh at him, so let's all laugh at him! He really wants to be our President so that we fight all of those bad countries that he says are bad so that we can take over their oil and everyone (only the rich) here in America can drive big Humvees, shoot their shotguns at all Black People, Jews, Gay People, liberals and pretty much anyone that doesn't agree with us.

He would like very much to continue to spy on all Americans and if they don't like it, then he'll just send those un-Americans to secret prisons where the Federal Government can torture them to say what ever we want them to say so that we can use that against them in a tribunal type of court and hell lets use all the gas so we can dig for more, & get rid of those dam polar bears. "What good are they anyway except for a rug in my big Presidential suite? What's with the environment and Global Wining? What's that,?"
"Hey we just found Mars up there for all the rich people I intend to make tax breaks permanent for them and we will be able to leave all the poor people behind while we live up there all the while the Earth is no longer habitable. The middle class have got to go! There should only be 2 classes of people, rich and poor.




Time to stop making fun of McCain,; let's just laugh at him anyway because hopefully he won't win the Presidency and we can finally get someone who's more qualified to bring our Country back to where it should be; at Peace with the rest of the world. Remember that if a monkey can run our country for 8 years then why can't a brilliant young African American?

Yes, things are a bit in turmoil right now and it doesn't make sense to fret over the past when we can do something right now for the future.

Please do take some time in your life to enjoy right now, laugh for a change, and don't take things so seriously (like the media); its really bad for your health! We have to find things to smile about and I'm sure its not hard as you think!

It's all about Good Kharma......

I know I have written some really scary posts lately concerning my health and the pain I was suffering. I hope you all are not too terribly worried. I just want to reassure all of you that for now, I have been pain free. Don't get me wrong, I still get some pains but not the serious pain of having a bowel blockage. We are out of the woods for right now and my intestines have been cleaned from the hospital stay and hopefully I won't have a new visit there anytime soon.

My system is now proudly back to working and I am now able to successfully eat real food and how good it feels to finally do so. I actually started back on solids last week, but very cautiously so and I'm still being cautious. I make extra sure that I chew everything at least 60 times and drinking lots of water. I also am back to being active roller blading, riding my bike, and basically having fun with my best friend (hubby) and my pets. We enjoying each and every gift (day) that we have together. I also enjoy reading from good people and heart felt comments on my blog. Thank you all!

Witnessing History in the making....

Well, history has been made and 40 years later after the major Civil rights movements and the assassination of Dr. King, an African American has finally won the Democratic Nomination and we were all fortunate enough to witness this historical event. Some unfortunately are not at all happy about this, but despite his experience, he does offer fresh new ideas for our country. I honestly feel that if we can have a Crime Family and practically a Chimpanzee running our country for eight years, then why can't this candidate do a better job than what has already been happening right before us for the past eight years? We have a crime family in the White House right now and we are in serious dire need for that to change. We can't afford to continue on this destructive path for another 4-8 years.

Despite the low voter turn out and just to think we almost forgot to vote; we still managed to vote and to turn in our Ballots. In California, we have 2 very important propositions to vote on and most don't realize the importance of these Propositions. One is 98 which in reality masquerades as eminent domain reform meant to protect Property owners from Gov't land grabs, but it is actually proof of greedy special interests. According to Defenders of Wildlife, it could jeopardize important environmental regulations and zoning laws that would allow the state to:

• protect our imperiled wildlife and habitats.
• address global warming and climate change.
• safeguard our drinking water and water supply.
• protect sensitive wetlands and coastal areas.
• limit urban sprawl, polluting industries and irresponsible development.
• preserve our old growth forests and open spaces.
• protect agricultural lands, and culturally and historically significant sites.
• incentivize “smart growth” solutions to transportation and city planning.
• protect California renters from excessive rent increases.

For example, if a logging company wanted to clear cut a forest that pacific fishers need to survive, and California Fish and Game requires the company to leave some trees standing to protect the fisher, the state -- and taxpayers like you and me -- would then have to pay the logging company for any money it may have lost by not being able to cut down those trees.

Proposition 99 - The Homeowners Protection Act - will prohibit the government from using eminent domain to take a home to transfer to a private developer.

The important thing is, we actually got out and voted. Proposition 98 did not pass and 99 did. That's exactly what we had voted on and I felt our votes really did make a difference. We even researched the Judges who were running for the District courts and felt that we votes for right people.

While I was standing in line getting ready to vote, a woman behind me, loudly announced that she would like her Republican Ballot. I have to admit I was a bit shocked and dismayed that anyone would be voting Republican after the last eight years of lies. It seems lately that I have been witnessing lots of people proudly displaying their Republican support when I can't even begin to understand why anyone would still be on the bandwagon with Bush. It really baffles me that anyone would want to keep on this same war path despite all of the evidence suggesting blatant lying just to get us into this costly unnecessary war, the fact of the matter is that he is continuing to bankrupt our country (our debt was bought and paid for by China - how scary is that?), rising fuel, energy, food, and so much more. I bet most have forgotten that just a few years ago the Security of our Ports was nearly bought and paid for by the Arabs. How many hijackers were Arabic? OK, 15 hijackers of the 19 were from Saudi Arabia, 2 were from from the United Arab Emirates, 1 was Lebanese, and 1 was Egyptian. I don't recall any being from Iraq. This Administration screwed up in a major, major way and even lied to us to get us to attack the absolute wrong country that attacked us in the first place.

McCain was or is still trying to distance himself from GWB, or at least just for the election and to trick voters into thinking that he doesn't support the current Administration's policies when actually has a 90% record of doing just that. That's exactly how I look at it. He is just as dishonest and I am always viewing many, many videos of him saying one thing, then doing another. Here is a Republican view of what life is supposed to be like "Do as I say, not as I do"!

OK to get back to the Republicans; the richest people in America (only 1% - not 50 or 60%, but 1%) really benefit by only having to pay 15% of their income to taxes while the rest of us have to cough up 30-40%. The middle class and the working poor have to pay more of our incomes to taxes? How is this right? How is this fair? Why do people support these tax cuts to only the ultra wealthy? Robbing from the poor to give to the rich is basically what this taxation is all about and McCain wishes to make it permanent. Now why is it that all Republican's feel that they benefit from those tax cuts when they aren't at all benefiting? They certainly are NOT the wealthiest people in America. How do they not know this?

While my husband and I were wine tasting in Wine Country last weekend, we decided to only visit the wineries that allowed dogs inside the tasting rooms. I overheard this old wine maker talking to some other guests as to why he was voting for McCain, (his wife is a blond with big boobs and another person he would like to have a drink with), how he loves George Bush and still believes everything he says as gold. I find this incredibly puzzling, but I just let him get his word in and I never once spoke politics with him. I kind of just let him speak his mind, tell his jokes and just kept quiet. He even directed the conversation as us, but I still kept quiet and oblivious.

I would rather spread peace than to argue with anyone about their views. You just can't change people's minds and besides we were on vacation and I needed no stress what so ever. As I much as I wanted to go off, the important thing is I kept quiet for my honey. I know exactly what its like to argue politics with my dad and I can't even do that anymore. We love each other, but we have come to know that we just can't argue politics. It's like two Oxes butting heads, he can't change my mind and I can't change his. Plus, I'm fighting this cancer and I don't need to be frustrated fighting politics with a Republican; we can still get along and respect each other's opinions or can't we?

I just hope and pray that when people do finally get out to vote in this November election, that they truly understand who they are voting for and are not at all brainwashed by Fox Noise when they go out to vote for their candidate. I hope they are able to research and really truly understand what their candidate supports and stands for. I encourage everyone to check out YouTube for the truth on what these candidates really stand for.

Republicans seem to stir up fear for votes and to be quite honest, fear and stress causes severe health problems. They are against everyone having health care but yet they do this to all of us. The media really needs to look out for our best interests, they have to do the hard work and really research stories and leads before announcing to the public. Most are such lazy journalists. So much from the right wing has proved to be untrue while adding unnecessary stress and fear. It doesn't matter how many times you repeat an untrue statement, it will never ever be true. That's what this Administration has done to us for 8 years.

I have been quite shocked to see some of the crazy and often hypocritical comments McCain has made and stood for. I sometimes feel he must have fallen off of his rocking chair when I hear some of the comments that come out of his mouth. Does anyone remember that just last year, he caused a big fiasco, putting troops lives in danger so that he could pretend to shop at a market in Baghdad?

McCain is also accepting corporate and lobbyist donations and is even traveling with his lobbyists and to me that stands for corruption. How can we have another 4-8 years of that again? Really?

Obama has just made history and I stand behind him 100%; he does not allow anyone to push him around, and I know he will make a wise choice in choosing a running mate. He is also NOT accepting any donations from Corporate Lobbyists. If we can have a chance to reunite the rest of the country and the world, it would be if Obama get elected to be our President.

A much needed get away & therapy...

My husband and I just had another semi rough patch just after being released from the hospital on Friday, May 23rd. Another painful blockage, but we got through it together and by Monday, May 26th (Veteran's Day) I was given an Antibiotic for a Bladder infection which enabled me to go to the bathroom each and every day. This was a blessing because I could have been in the hospital once again. It was a pain to go through the diarrhea but for me, it was great and I was OK with it; no really, I was. For me just going to the bathroom is such a blessing even if I have to go 300 times a day, it's much better than the alternative.

For right now, it is about living with Cancer and that I have gotten used to. I don't let it get to me and I certainly won't let it conquer me; I just keep on living.

We went to see my oncologist on Friday, May 30th and we all agreed unanimously that at this point it is all about quality of life. I will have to start chemo somewhat soon, but not right away. We just take it day by day and to cherish each and every day no matter what. I might start a pill form of chemo in August and it may or may not make my hair fall out, but its just hair and I just got it all cut off & donated to Locks of Love. I always wanted to do this and finally did it about 2 weeks ago. So loosing the hair won't be such a big deal.

Now back to my Oncologist follow-up appointment; my scans were not so bad, at least not just yet and my CA125 is climbing slowly (it's at 68 and 3 months before that it was 53). We are not worrying about it just yet and we won't until I face more pain and discomfort. What good does worrying do? Since my oncologist is on the same page as we are with the cancer, the appointment was good news and that we can continue to have fun for right now.

When we got home from the appointment, I made reservations for a small get away in Napa. My husband had recommended a bed and breakfast in Calistoga, "Meadowlark Inn". It is run by a very sweet, kind hearted and a very friendly couple (they are men). The room itself was very colorful and the bed was softt and comfy and just what we needed. It smelled clean and fresh and the bathroom was roomy with a two person jacuzzi. It did take a long time to fill up the tub but once is was full, it felt amazing.

We were initially bummed that the pool was going through some construction and therefore it was closed, but we still got to use the large, powerful jacuzzi and the hot sauna located in the pool area.

We went to see "Old Faithful" just prior to checking in to our hotel because we had about an hour to kill before check-in time at 1pm. Now don't get confused because there is an Old Faithful at Yellowstone national park and it is probably more spectacular to see than the one in Calistoga, CA. Old Faithful is one of three natural geysers in America that erupts every so often. Most probably wouldn't be that impressed with it, but it is one of natures miracles. The hot steam comes out of the earth and every half hour to 45 minutes scalding hot water is sprayed upwards of 60 - 100 feet in the air. This Geyser can even predict earthquakes two days to two weeks before an earthquake instead of every 30 minutes, the eruption is prolonged. During a prolonged interval, small eruptions of no more than two to three feet in height every few minutes and after a long delay a 60 foot column of water and steam shoots upward.

There was even an old wishing well where nearly a hundred years ago people actually bathed in the bath for therapy. I wondered if anyone had ever been scalded to death by it. We also noticed some baby fish in the small pond where Old Faithful seemed to always be steaming while it wasn't erupting. We saw another area with some old pipes that were capped and I guess they have uncap the hot steam every so often to release pressure, but this heat actually helps power the visitor center.

We really wanted to check out the Petrified Forest and almost did, but that will be next time.



My husband and walked around the property at Old Faithful to look at all the animals. There were some Llamas and some some Tennessee Fainting Goats. I had heard about these goats on TV but had never seen any before and they were quite amusing. My husband talked about them and really wanted to see the goats faint but he couldn't just go up and yell or scream at them in order to scare them because the other visitors might think he was a lunatic.

We walked over to the fainting goats with Blue Belle to take a look at them in their pasture. One of the babies got to looking right at Blue Belle and looked like she wanted to make friends with her. It startled Blue Belle just a little bit because she didn't like the goat walking up and staring at her so she started to walk away and the little goat decided that she wanted to play. The little girl goat turned around and bounced away and one of her friends tried to turn around but he fell over stiff legged onto his side. We just cracked up along with the crowd of onlookers. The whole thing happened so fast that I didn't get to snap a photo. You just have to imagine how funny it looked.

We tried to get Blue Belle to take a look at the sheep but she is such a city girl that the sheep just frightened her. She wanted nothing to do with those creatures. These particular sheep are rare in that they have 4 horns. They are called Jacob Sheep and they tend to have black spots and of course the 4 horns. These particular sheep were very friendly and affectionate. It was treat to see these animals and for Blue Belle to experience being around animals that she should normally herd. I think she just wants to stick with herding cats and squirrels.

We went wine tasting at a few of the local wineries hours after we had checked into our hotel. Each of the wineries allowed dogs in the tasting rooms. It was all about being Dog Friendly.

After we finished with the wine tasting, we headed back to the Inn for a nature walk with Blue Belle. We walked over to a horse pasture and thoroughly enjoyed being around the gentle giants. These horses stood over 17 - 18 hands and they completely frightened Blue Belle. They were just like big kitty cats and lovingly enjoyed being petted and rubbed. They seemed to bond with me and didn't want me to leave. One of the horses was particularly curious of Blue Belle.

Being around these friendly creatures was therapy in itself and definitely well worth the stay even though the pool was closed, I did get my horse therapy. I felt as if my soul was being nourished as I pet and loved on these animals. It also reinforced my feelings of missing being around these wonderful animals and I hope my dream does come true and that my husband and I will be able to one day live on a farm where we can have a few rescues all to our selves.

Back from the hospital...New thoughts on feeling better...

Well after a couple of days and a painful post about cherishing your good health, wouldn't you know that I just spent a couple of days in the new Kaiser hospital. I was actually excited (just a little bit) because I knew that they had wireless internet. I was thinking that it was all over the hospital kind of like a Starbucks. I was sadly mistaken, no internet for the sick and dying.

That's just great, so the sick and the dying are practically cut off from the rest of the world when they are hospitalized. It's been like that for quite some time and hopefully that will change soon once patients rights are recognized more clearly. I still got to work some on my Newsletter.

Which brings me back to being in the hospital can be so incredibly depressing. Now I know that I will be even more reluctant to go next time if there is a next time, chances are there will be. I guess you have to take everything away if you are going into the hospital but I have to say they at least let my husband bring my dog for a visit and I was very, very thankful for that. She was wearing her "Therapy Dog" Vest and it certainly brightened my gloomy days in the hospital being hooked up to an IV and an NG tube.

So how in the world did I end up in the hospital? (Please read the post before last if you haven't done so already) Well here you go:

The intense pain that I was feeling before just kept increasing each passing day and then each passing moment as it got more and more intense. I must credit my husband who has been so completely amazing through it all including bring me glasses of water, medications, loading the bong for me so that I could smoke; now this really, really, really helped relieve the intense pain for a little while but the pain would always come back and relentless it was. My husband even went to the store for me to get the most embarrassing items that a man could ever have to buy for his wife; enemas, phosphate sodas, stool softeners, and suppositories. He's been through it all with me (seriously) and it doesn't bother him a bit. Can you believe that love? I am truly amazed by it! (the most important thing he does for me is to make me laugh and that he does plenty!)

I remember this one time when I had these same bowel problems he had asked me "honey can I get you something at the store?" I replied back, "can you please get me a douche bag (so that I could use it as an enema)?" "He said to me "Honey please don't make me buy one of those things, those people at the store are probably already convinced that I'm gay, & that will just pull the trigger on that!" I couldn't believe how much I laughed on that one despite the extreme pain I was in. He did so anyway, but that's the meaning of true love.

Now to get back to how I got in the hospital, I then tried each of those items that he had purchased for me at the store, but nothing was working. We were both quite panicked. This was a full blown abdominal blockage that really needed urgent hospital care.

By 10:30pm I finally told him to go ahead and dial 911. The fire department was the first to arrive and they immediately checked my vitals while also sticking those little white round circles with snaps all over me. "That's where they come from!" I thought. I kinda looked like I could get one of those 80's outfits snapped on me.

I was crying and cringing in pain. and had just vomited just prior to their arrival which really intensified the pain when I innitially thought that it couldn't get to be more painful. I didn't even make myself vomit, my body was just reacting to the block. Contractions were happening every couple of minutes. I thought I was going to give birth to Cancer. During a contraction, I was paralyzed in the most severe pain you could ever possibly imagine. It literally felt as if I were about to die or that I was dying a slow painful death that I didn't deserve. I was also nauseated too which didn't help matters much.

I tried my best to talk to the rescuers between the pain contractions as they were asking me detailed questions as what was going on; but thankfully my husband was there to elaborate while the contractions were happening.

The EMS workers arrived a few minutes later & took me for a bumpy painful ride to the hospital. I was sitting in the ambulance with a really nice paramedic that turned out to be a neighbor of mine who lived in the very same complex just behind us. What a small world I thought. I know I had recognized him and he had even been on a few runs with us before. Many of the workers had recognized us and knew the whole shebang about us. That was so helpful.

We have to call 911 each time because I am so stubborn that it's often close to being too late when I do call. I put up with the pain for a long time before we ever call 911 and I think its because sometimes the blockages will resolve on their own and many times they have. It could even be my high tolerance to the pain and that I'm as tough as nails.

I finally got to the hospital and the nurse tried several times to give me an IV. My darn veins were so hard to find and they even rolled a few times as she tried to stab for the vein. It slipped away each time and I kinda felt bad for her. I could see it in her face that she felt she might injuring me but it was actually a good thing. Being stabbed like that was great for getting my mind of the extreme pain I was in. I tried to explain to her and I could tell right away that she had a heart of gold. She went to get someone else to take a try, but they too were having more difficulties than she was. It often takes several times of jabbing and poking just to find a vein. She tried again and by the 3rd time she got it!

The doctor finally came in to see me and was like, "give this poor girl some morphine!" She could tell right away what was happening with my body and that I was indeed in pain. The morphine helped quite a bit for the pain, more so that the pot did. The effect was not much longer because I needed another dose 25-30 minutes later. I also got some Benadryl which helped with the itches that I sometimes get from either the morphine or the Delotted pain medication. Both are very strong narcotics but the bad thing is that these narcotics often make your bowels hardly function. It's like your bowels go to sleep and this in turn can cause severe constipation.

It was about 11:15pm and I need some X-Rays and an Ng Tube. The x-rays were easy enough, but the NG tube is never ever easy. I got a shot of morphine just prior and it still hurt. I had a hard time picking which nostril I wanted to sacrifice for this tube to go down. The nurse then inserted this tube down my left nostril and I had to try to keep my chin to my chest. The whole time it was uncomfortable and very painful as the tube was inserted into my stomach. I felt it as it went down my throat, down the curve scraping as it finally hit the final destination.

I was already ready to get rid of that NG tube. I wanted to fast forward those 3 days of having to keep that thing inserted in my nose. They had to tape it and anytime I caught it on anything I felt an instant painful tug on septum. It was hard to sleep and I almost felt like a horse does when it is head shy. Being on IVs I had to go to the bathroom quite a bit and the first night the phosphate soda was finally working. I was actually going to the bathroom. I had to share a room with a very loud party. The woman, bless her heart, had lots of friends visiting and she too should have had her own room. It was noisy and guests were having to go the bathroom too and I had to wait on someone after I was able to get my NG tube disconnected from the sucking mechanism and IV unplugged. I waited as much as I could and ended up soiling all over myself and my bed. How depressing. I called a nurse to come help me clean up and pleaded that I get my own room just for this reason.

I wasn't able to sleep for all the loud noises from the guests and the constant talking, laughing, and so on. I didn't want to bother them with my problems and requests. They were having fun in a hospital and how rare is that? I finally got to talk with another doctor who too agreed that I definitely needed my own room. My husband and I were out walking and we saw 4 empty rooms. We told her about those empty rooms and she tried to explain to us that rooms are like hotcakes for those waiting in emergency. I had waited all night long for one and was finally able to get this particular room at about 9:15ish (AM).

My husband took off to do some errands and showed up again that evening around 7:30pm with Miss Blue Belle! I was still in the same shared room weighing my earplugs and finally getting some sleep. Blue Belle was so very happy to see me. She wagging her whole body with her ears back smiling. My husband put her on the bed and she came up to me and could not stop licking me in the face. I had to be careful because of the NG tube but she kinda knew that she needed to be careful. She layed down and just stared into my eyes smiling with her ears back. A few minutes of loving on Blue Belle, smiling (in the hospital!), and gratefulness of having someone that really cares, it was time to go to my new private room.

The nurse opened the curtain and to her surprise a cute beautiful happy dog sit laying on my bed. She was also happy to see Miss Blue Belle. She smiled at the nurse and wagged her tail. Another nurse came in to help her move my bed into another room. We didn't have to go far and Blue Belle got to enjoy the ride on the bed. She was wagging her tail and smiling at the two nurses who were laughing and smiling as they moved me to my new room. It was just down the hall and a few people came outside the rooms to see all the commotion of the laughing and to see a happy dog on a hospital bed wagging her tail enjoying the ride. She was quiet but very happy.

She had on her vest and sorry I don't have any photos of her wearing her vest but I promise to post some soon right here. I don't have a working camera right now. My husband opened the blinds and we could sort of see the mountains from Santa Clara. We watched a movie together on my computer (we couldn't get the DVD player to work in the room) and my husband left at around 11pm. He wanted to stay, but Blue Belle had to go wee and she had held it for a little while. I got my shot of morphine and Benadryl and fell sound a sleep in my new room.

I spoke with my doctor the next day as he told me that I would need to get some x-rays of my abdomen. I went for the x-rays and then as we were getting the last x-ray taken, a singe of pain hit me. I felt what appeared to be a rib bone or something on my rib bone. It' was very painful and very tender to touch. I asked if we could x-ray that, but my request was ignored then and I was later brought back down to x-ray the mystery bump at the request of a doctor. The doctor saw me again that night and told me that it might just be a muscle and it may be a knot that could be easily massaged out.

The next day my oncologist saw me before taking out the NG tube and told me that I could go home soon. I was so glad to get that NG tube out of my nose and then to loose that IV pole. My doctor and I talked for a little while of my symptoms and how I was feeling. I then asked him about this mystery bump. He felt the mystery bump and told me that it was indeed a tumor. It had been seen on several CAT scans and I could still live with it. It could actually be very helpful in determining if a chemo is working.

To my horror it is the reality that I really do need to cherish each and every moment that I have and I will need to start more chemo very soon. I'm not sure when and am currently learning to live with the pain in my back as it is still quite tender. I have lots to think about and many questions to ask.

We plan to meet with my doctor next Friday to discuss our options for either chemo or more freedom, versus pain and so on. I will update soon as we do have a lot to think about this week prior to meeting with my doctor. I also plan to call the Cancer Center for America to find out more options.

While I do understand that there are still others who have it far worse off than me, I still consider myself quite lucky. In fact we are all lucky in our own ways. Till then love life and treat others the way that you would want to be treated.

More Pains...More Prayers.....

I hope by the end of this post, many who have read it will gain a new found appreciation for the most simple things that our bodies can do. I never ever take those simple things like using the bathroom for granted. To me, it is a blessing to go each day or just each time. Well this weekend has been very trying for me to say the least. My health is just starting to deteriorate slightly in that I have been suffering from the worst kinds of pain ("Abdominal" in other words a bowel blockage)

Last Friday (May 16th), I went into work early at around 6:45am to get my department ready for a huge meeting. It was a lot of work and dedication on my part especially since I could tell that a blockage was indeed happening. I figured I could easily work a few hours and then go home shortly after I was done.

I struggled with the pain for a few hours until noontime; I just couldn't handle the pain anymore. It felt just like labor pains but instead it was sort of gas pains from the intestine being kinked or blocked. I tried to pretend as best as I could that I wasn't in the severe amount of pain that I was while I working just to get things done. I finally left just before 1pm to go home and try to call my doctor. The drive home was agonizing because it was as if were having painful contractions that would happen every couple of minutes. I felt like pulling over a few times during the 35 minute drive home but I toughed it out and screamed just to relieve the stress of the pain.

I finally got home and the house was a bit hotter than usual but I didn't think much about it because of the pain that I was experiencing. It was about 102 degrees outside and the house was around 87 degrees inside. I grabbed the phone to try to call my doctor, but I kept getting an annoying beap with the message on the phone screen that said "No Link to Base"? whenever I pressed send. "What does that mean?" I kept thinking. It just didn't click. I tried again and then went upstairs and got the second phone; still nothing. The phones didn't work so I used the last bit of power on my cell phone to call my husband. I told him I was not feeling good and that it might be 911 time. I told him the phones are not working and that my cell is about to die. The cell phone kept beeping as if it would shut off at any moment. I then noticed all the power was out in the house.

About 10 minutes after I got off the phone with my husband, I heard sirens and thought, "Wow! He called the ambulance already!" I had been laying on the couch crying and wretching in pain for a little while. It felt as if my intestines were about to burst from the pressure and of course I looked as if I were about 5 months pregnant. I struggled to get up and out the door to see if this was for me or if the rescue workers would need help finding me. Two fire engines pulled up but then pulled up across the street from me at Blockbuster Video, a Check Cashing place, and a Drying Cleaning Shop. They were dressed in very hot heavy gear especially for the temperatures outside. You have to appreciate that dedication. The men were all getting ready and trying to find out what the problems were and why they were called there. I was standing there in pain thinking about my situation and that this was actually a false alarm. A woman walked by on the sidewalk analyzing the events and said to me that the power has been out since 10:30am. I found out later that someone had thought they had seen some red flames coming out of the top of the shopping center but there was nothing. Probably someone suffering from heat exhaustion saw the red flames.

The pains progressively got worse and I didn't dare eat anything for fear that I couldn't digest anything and that anything new would just sit there and compound the pain. I wasn't even drinking anything because it too intensified the pain. My husband finally got home and we were able to call my doctor on his cell phone. Due to the extreme temperatures, we felt it would be best if we avoided going into the emergency room and for me to try to just tough it out as it hard as it was. Primarily a Friday Night, record temperatures, the emergency room would be inundated with the elderly and others suffering from heat related illnesses and we were positive that there would be plenty due to the all day black-out.

My doctor spoke with my husband first as I tried to relieve my pain with some cannabis since he had advised me that I should not take any pills for pain. I needed relief right away and this helped some. He advised that I do an enema first to see if anything would clear out and then to do a phosphate soda which really tends to work the intestines in cleaning out wastes. This worked some but the pain was extreme and we were up most of Friday night and what a hard night that was! My husband's devoted love for me shined this weekend and he cared for me gently, massaging me, talking gently, being patient, running baths, cleaning up after me and waiting on me hand and foot. What a blessing I have! Some people wait a lifetime for a love such as this! I survived the weekend without any emergency rooms and we are still waiting for my bowels to start working on their own.

Most of the weekend was still pretty painful and am still suffering from pain but not as bad as before. I think I'm kinda used to it now! I am hoping and praying that my system starts to work on its own soon so that I can go back to work tomorrow. We do have it under control somewhat as it is uncertain if I will need to go into the emergency room anytime soon. It's kind of the unpredictability of my illness that makes me enjoy every moment that I can.

Be extra sure to cherish your health and be thankful not to have to suffer. I have several people and animals in my life that make the suffering all the more worth it. I will continue to fight!

Plans for more treatments and handling more blockages...

I would like to thank all of you who have been writing me personally and or those of you who have been praying and/or wishing me good vibes for good health. I know that it really does make a difference.

As many of you may know, I was supposed to be due to start chemotherapy in January after being taken off the treatment in May 2007. I was originally supposed to only have a 6 month break in order to get stronger. My intestines were getting a serious beating from the treatments towards the end of the last treatments of Avastin, which landed me in the hospital more than a handful of times. I lost a lot of weight (35 lbs), I was on a strict diet of intravenous fluid (NO FOOD OR DRINK), and of course I had a huge neon sign indicating just that (NPO). My visitors couldn’t help but see that huge pink sign. I would get out of the hospital only to go back in by that weekend or just a couple of days later. The same things we had to endure back in 2003 where I practically lived in the emergency room for about 3 months only thankfully this time, no surgeries were needed. Just the good old roto rooter and then I’d be sent home.

My intestines were finally back to working normally in August when I could finally fully digest regular foods. I was on the liquid diet all of June and part of July, then Mid July I moved over to soft foods throughout June and July. I had gotten down to 111 lbs in June and July and was finally gaining weight. I have a big boned frame and for me 135 -145 would be about normal for me. I could even go up to 150 lbs but my doctors preferred that I gain more so that I could have enough weight to sustain me and possibly give me more of a chance for survival. I sure enjoyed gaining all that weight. What a feeling that was!

My favorite fattening food turned out to be Mango / Coconut Rice Cream or so I called it. It is a rice desert that is non-dairy and made from rice. It tastes just like ice cream only it is made from rice. Anyway, I did enjoy those 6 months and more to come not having to go in for chemo. I gained my weight and then some. I was not looking forward to January and having to go back on chemotherapy (the kind that would really make me sick and bald)

I got a CAT scan done around the tail end of January and I wasn’t at all looking forward to getting those results. In fact I never look forward to those results because most of the time the results are usually not in my favor. It just shows that the cancer is still growing and further destroying my body. I had a doctor’s appointment to discuss those results which was originally scheduled for Friday, February 8th in the afternoon. I got a call at 10am the morning of that appointment to say that they needed to post pone my appointment to February 14th. I told the nurse no way, (I wasn’t about to have my Valentine’s day ruined) and we finally settled on Thursday, February 28th. I was so relieved to have this extra time to not have to worry about receiving those results.

The day finally came for my appointment and I was stressed as usual, however my husband was just as supportive as he always is; not showing an ounce of worry, just 110% positive support. He hugged me and helped calm me down. When my name was finally called, my husband and I walked in together into the tiny examining room. Our doctor walked in a few minutes later to go over the results of the CAT scan and it turned out that it wasn’t as bad as it had seemed. We knew that the cancer was still progressing slowly, my CA125 was slowly rising; 56 compared to 8 or 9 from when I was still on chemo. The cancer spot on my liver was no where to be seen, however there is a tumor that is growing in size just under my abdominal muscles and just above my bladder. They found some suspicious marks on my lungs so I will be going in for a CAT scan very soon to get a closer look. It is scary but I try not to think about it. Overall, we decided together that we will save the chemo for when I really need it and right now I just don’t need it enough. I feel good now, so I will run with it. Enjoy every day and make the most of every moment that I do have.

Well, I failed to mention that each time that I visit my doctor for a check-up; I always, feel great at the appointment and even prior to the appointment but afterwards I start to get blocked again; we are talking about intestinal blocks or kinks which can be extremely painful. I also felt sharp pins and needles poking my intestines. It would be one sharp prick that would take my breath away and it would go away. This time it was no different; but that weekend I got blocked just a few days after seeing my doctor. I tried everything I could to just go to the bathroom. Nothing seemed to work. I could actually feel the kink in my system and the pain associated with it. My face broke out because of the toxins stuck in my system and I worried I would be in the hospital by Friday. Monday came and I had gone in to work early that morning. I decided to stay on a liquid diet and to not eat any thing solid until my system could clean itself out.

I went in to get some breakfast at the company Café which had just gone through a new Management change. The new management had been offering all sorts of healthy options and one of those options included fresh squeezed vegetable and fruit juices. I told the knowledgeable young man behind the counter to surprise me with his skills but to put in some Ginger and Carrot. He was so friendly and accommodating that he whipped up such an amazing concoction of ginger, carrot, papaya, watermelon, and orange juice. The breakfast drink gave me an incredible amount of energy that lasted throughout the morning and not to mention it was so delicious that I fantasized about having another juice for lunch.

At lunchtime, I was quite hungry but really needed to stay on a liquid diet. I inquired with the young man who had made the fresh juice I had for breakfast and if he could make me something for lunch. He told me that he could make me a detox drink, which included beet, carrot, watercress, and some other vegetables. It was a beautiful wine color and it tasted a lot like milk only it had a more wholesome taste. I drank just half of the large glass and then the rest just a few hours later. It held me over that first day and I noticed I didn’t get sleepy as I usually do after work. I seemed more alert and the sharp pains I had been experiencing were not as profound. I could still feel the pain, but it wasn’t as pronounced as before.

It seemed like it would take a lot for me to have to survive on just liquid but this drink helped me get started and now I am back to feeling close to normal. I continued that diet the rest of the week and by the weekend my system was back to normal.

I essence I am enjoying everyday. I am thankful that I am not in the hospital and thankful that I can go to work and feel good while at work. It won’t be pleasant to eventually have to face treatment but I will always enjoy living no matter what.