Grateful for more years spent with my love ones....

My apologies for taking so long to write another post and to be quite honest; I've just been resting a whole lot more lately.  My body is starting to get weaker and I've lost some more weight; now I am weighing in at 85.5 and my weight  still appears to be heading downward.   I'm bummed a little but I'm still happy as can be to still be alive thanks to my sweet honey. 

My brother is still trying to get a ticket to come out to see me again but he did manage to get himself an amazing  new cruiser bike to ride around in his neighborhood.  Hopefully he will one day be able to get another dog that can keep up with him; like a border collie or a sheltie, or what ever dog he can bond with at the local shelter?    I'm so happy for him that he is doing what makes him happy (grooming dogs) and we sure did have a great time when he visited last!   I'm so looking forward to another visit and more bike rides together around my neighborhood.   Miss Blue Belle still looks like a princess despite her little ear injury.   I do know that she loves her uncle Bill and she still misses her beloved Grandpa.

Despite all this, my poor sweetie has so much to do each and every day to ensure my survival for right now.  I do want to live and I have that will to but I do also know what my reality is in fighting this deadly disease which has taken so much out of me.    He has flush my picc line many times per day and he is very good at giveing me my daily 3 doses of Zofran each day which takes over 5 minutes.  He's very aware of this and takes notice when I start gagging and vomiting.  Zofran is just another thing in my daily activities that is used to help with this horrid nausea I suffer from each day.  He really does so much to help me each day; till death do we part!)  We don't always get what we want in life.  I'm still content with my sweet honey and my animals!  They make me happy every day no matter what is going on with my sick and tired body. 

Well one of the side effects of sitting around weak and disheveled is that I  tend to watch  way too much Cable Television and sometimes too much internet.    I'm still always shocked by headlines in the news of what others are doing that are selfless acts for others; too bad you don't see so much compassion unless you really dig for truth.  I love finding new blogs that expose those truths and put me in a good mood!)  I get quite a bit of it here; right on my blog; along with lots of love!)  

I watched Dr. Phil again last night?  Sometimes it bothers me but he does touch on issues that are important to many of us.   He was focused on a very good subject;  dealing with teenagers who are unable to communicate effectively with their parents.    Damn, I wish he had been around when I was a kid.  Yeah I had issues as a kid as so many do!  I was lied to by my own government about Cannabis being able to kill you when in fact there is not 1 documented death from cannabis; ever.  Well anyway I didn't try it until I was 18 years old with own my mother.  I was scared of it when I tried it for the 1st times ever. I thought my brains were going to turn into fried eggs?  "This is brain on drugs?"   That commercial worked liked crazy in my day!

Some kids have it much better off but there are unfortunately still plenty of shitty parents out there who care only about them selves and not their families; just gaining more material possessions and debt.  There are so many parents who don't teach their kids about the real world  (they shelter them from everything and expect laws to change for those out there and that they do have to work hard to make it out in the real world!  How are kids supposed to know how to treat the opposite sex when they don't rightly know how to be in a relationship?   There are so many things that I wish my mother would have told me about that would have saved me many crappy dates with boys or getting into trouble with boys!  I could have masturbated instead and saved myself the trouble!   Why don't parents teach their daughters about masturbation instead?   Masturbate when you are younger and avoid those annoying boy problems until you graduate and get your life together.  I don't even think Dr. Phil even recommends that as a topic of discussion but I think it should be.  My apologies if my blog has all of a sudden made you feel very uncomfortable but that's life and reality!)

I'm so happy that I have the most wonderful husband ever and I keep feeling sometimes that he doesn't deserve to live this hell of cancer but he insists he loves me no matter what.  I see myself deteriorating each day I'm alive and he just sees my loving soul through and through  and all that we gone through.   We have had so much fun together over the last 13 years of knowing each other!  My husband is a prime example of what a real man stands for.  I'm so thankful to have married my very best friend in world and I'm so incredibly happy for that decision every moment of my life. 

Well as for my health; I'm still trying to combat the massive amounts of pain I suffer from each day.  I have to take 3 3ml doses of Methadone per day and along with that my honey also gives me an injection of Zofran for nausea (I have my phone alarm when its time to do all that!) and the Methadone is the absolute nastiest shit I have ever taken!)  First off it is liquid form, placed under the tongue (orally).    We all know that Heroin Addicts take this drug in order to get them selves off of smack.  The taste is so incredibly horrid! Ewwwwww! Ewwwww! Ewwwwww!   It makes my mouth feel as though I just placed a very bitter cleaning compound under my tongue but I keep it below my tongue  for at least 10 minutes while my body absorbs the compound for pain.   I dread the very taste of it each and every time; I talk really funny as I'm doing this little waiting game.   Then it's time for the pickles!)

  

  I have also found that my favorite Whole Food's Pickles work excellent for getting rid of the horrid  nasty taste of the  Methadone and the Dilaudid which is extremely sugary and sweet?.  I can down an entire jar of pickles in just 1 day; that's like my favorite food right now?  Oh GOD do I love pickles!  Not the kind you get in a regular grocery store but a generic brand at Whole Foods "365 Organic Kosher Spears".   Then I have to drink "Key Lime" soda mixed with water and ice to rid my tummy of the burning feeling that I get going up my chest after I puke up the pickles?(.   Ok I drink this soda so that it can make my puke taste better when it comes back up?  Yeah that's pretty crazy, huh?    I still try to eat food when I get my munchies (Medicinal Cannabis = heartburn, nausea, insomnia)    I suffer from a very intense amount of nausea and cancer related pain which I'm positive most would not want to continue on; I think many would be ready to go at this point but I'm just not ready just yet.  

   I hate that I have so many pains that I have to be on top of.  When I'm not in control of the pain; it can be pretty miserable.  I'm able to catch up most of the time with my cannabis.   The heartburn pains are the worst ever; just seeing my bones more and more in my chest kind of bothers me.  I worry that my heart my be getting weaker and weaker as these  days fly by.   The cannabis, a friend of mine had provided me with is also helping me get rid of that nasty taste by making me super, duper thirsty! Death is not such an easy subject to write about especially the reality of what happens to the body as one is suffering as I am.   I can say that my methods for dealing with what I deal with has given me more time with my honey and all my loved ones and all of you; my readers!)  I LOVE YOU ALL!

I feel all patients in all states should have access to medicinal cannabis so that they too can have a quality of life that gives them more time to be with their loved ones.  They too deserve to be pain free.  Cancer is a wasting disease and it's cruel and unusual to allow patients to suffer in so much pain?  It's wrong ethically to deny them to good quality medicine that has more than proven that it works.   It's not fair to deny patients good pain medication which really does work.  Not one politician really  has any idea what so many thousands of cancer patients who could be growing their own medicine rather than loosing their homes trying to afford medicine that has far worse side effects like constipation which is very deadly.  If only those politicians could live by the Golden Rule (Treat others how you would want to be treated")  got a chance to walk in mile in any cancer survivor's shoes to just understand what we often have to deal with.  If they could just sit through 1 chemo treatment on their own and deal with all those side effects that so many of us have to endure.  Cannabis really does help with the nausea and that horrid taste of metal; it actually gets rid of the nasty metallic taste that so many of us have to endure. 

OK I found an example of one politician behaving badly.  He is showing off his pure and utter greed!)  What an ugly and disgusting character flaw in anyone.  I don't like seeing greed in anyone.  Sure we all have to be greedy over somethings that are very important (our identity, home, family).   This politician is so greedy that he actually filed a frivolous lawsuit over biting into a sandwich.  This totally happened to me too and I chose not to sue. Dennis Kucinich is just one example of a very greedy ass politician who wants to sue because he hurt his tooth (is his tooth from pain and suffering worth $150,000?); I just don't buy it?  I was so shocked to see that headline and I like Dennis somewhat; but I'm not so sure anymore now.  OK it was the government cafe where he ordered his olive sandwich where he had the $150,000 olive that caused him to break his (was it some sort of golden tooth?) beloved (was it a golden tooth?) tooth; hell I had a hard Dutch Crunch bread   Sandwich which broke off my expensive Acrylic cap on my front tooth where I looked just like a jack-o-lantern for about a day and a half.  It didn't hurt; it only mortified me; I had just come in to work to do a shift; right before my shift I tried to eat my turkey sandwich and my first bite into the sandwich broke my from tooth; I was absolutely mortified and I had to go right back home.  I would have never even considered such a frivolous lawsuit over my tooth breaking like that; I ordered the wrong kind of bread and it broke my tooth.  Why should anyone have to pay me for that mistake? So many Americans are doing with out and he does do a lot of good for standing up for many Americans out there who don't have a voice but he's a dumb ass for even considering suing us tax payers over an olive in his sandwich.  I'm am always on the look out for Olive seeds with any kind of olive that I eat; especially in a sandwich.  This is about as crazy as the stupid hot coffee lawsuit; I have no idea why I brought this whole thing up but for a pure amusement of someone being greedy in  a world where its not appreciated. Greed is a horrible quality for anyone to have and why would I be so surprised that any politician had that quality?

Now I do agree with him on our health care  in that it should not be for profit; health care should be clearly about taking care of sick Americans who happen to need urgent care.  The new health care law is not Job killing as many Republicans keep repeating and what's funny is that they have no proof what so ever that it is job killing; only their propaganda and agenda for not wanting Americans to have real access to affordable and or free health care.  Yes, of course they have to lie to us?  They too  are very greedy and have vested interests in insuring that many of us are not covered.   I am so very thankful for the health care that I have had and continue to have.  Life is a true miracle for me and I'm so thankful to have it right now.   I just can't take any of that for granted; I treasure it so! )  Many other Americans should be so lucky as well; they too deserve it.  Well we deserve many things and in life we all have a purpose here and it should not be about gaining more and more material possessions or becoming so obsessed with loosing more and more weight?  I haven't noticed that much but are we all that fat?  I'm sick and tired of seeing loose weight here and there and everywhere.  I see this dumb bell thing that resembles so much of me just pleasuring my own man? It's kind of crazy?  What is that thing all about? Sorry!  It so looks like a tool that enhances a woman pleasuring her man with some very good hand job techniques?  My honey and I crack up each time we see the commercial and now men do it too?

Well I would be lying if I said my honey and I were not happy about the Packers making it to the Superbowl.  Old Mr. Farvre is not making us happy anymore with his midlife crisis sexual harassment problems and then totally dissing the Packers by playing for their mortal enemies (Vikings) well now handsome Mr. Aaron Rogers just took them to the Super Bowl!  Yeah!  So there Mr. Traitor! that's what he proved he was to the entire team.  What comes around goes around and I certainly hope the Packers win this Super Bowl; What a freaking creap he proved to be!  My sweet honey deserves that happiness and satisfaction of his team winning the Super Bowl!  Yeah!)

What is up with the Oscars?  They picked movies that were worthy of 1 star maybe (Black Swan) and maybe 2 stars (True Grit) and I finally got to see all of Secretariat and I have to disagree with their voting system?   I guess they pick the suckiest and most boring movies ever to win?  I don't get it?   I have no idea how those other two movies could be any better than Secretariat.  My honey and I watched it twice and absolutely loved it?  Movies that you tend to love never seem to win anything?  I guess that life for Hollywood.  It's so misunderstood and they still remake movies that don't need to remade; if they just researched more of life they could find plenty more movies to make.  They are just running out of Original material?  Not getting it!

I wish all of you much Peace and Love!  Here's to me keeping up with my pain and to keep on  surviving as long as I can!

Sharing the world with others and road rage...

 Here is another photo by Elena Zhukova and her brilliant eyes at Photography!)  I'm still stoked that  I got to ride my beautiful bike with my younger brother and we had a blast; so much so that he bought himself a cool new cruiser so he could get in shape at home.  He will be back in 2 weeks.  I'm so glad I found him something fun to do at home.  I'm so proud of my brother for finding that one thing that makes him happy and that's grooming dogs.  He passionately loves his job.  I'm so glad he is happy.  He's done it for over 20 years of his life and I helped him.  I was working at this small vet clinic and he had been working his butt off at this fast food restaurant; I told him to come on over; I was bathing and clipping dogs there already and once he came, the rest is history.

I've also had a blast riding my bike with my dad; we even encountered a very greedy woman who was not the least bit interested in sharing a 5 ft wide side walk with a gorgeous, beautiful bike  ridden by a terribly thin, skinny, anorexic looking sick woman; she wanted me to ride on Winchester Boulevard (on the actual road where cars whip in and out and there's NO bike lane!  How freaking dangerous am I'm supposed to be taking good care of myself while Hospice is not there?  Why should I be risking my fragile life on that major highway with a number of crazy drivers flying past at all speeds; well both me and my dad needed to be on the sidewalk at this time sharing with the pedestrians; we had been riding with traffic or riding in the same direction as traffic so that we were better able to watch out for pedestrians and we also used our bells to announce our presence so that someone  like her could easily turn around and then notice  that we were riding up behind and that she could easily maneuver around us with her  walking legs.  It all started as she got off the bus and we had stopped to let her go and then we rode along behind her for a few uncomfy inconsiderate moments (she knew we were behind her but ignored us until I rang my bell) I finally decided to ring my bell gently to let her know that we were riding very patiently behind her and she turned around and scowled at me and then told me "you need to ride that on the street", I told her "No way, I have advanced cancer and definitely not with my skinny frail weight with out a bike lane",  "share the road with others" I told her as I forced my way past her! "End your Road Rage!" I chanted back to her!   I held onto a little bit of self satisfaction for my infantile reaction!)  At least I can laugh it off!)  Maybe she won't be so mean to the next person she crosses on her personal  sidewalk?

Well I have been hearing more and more about how road rage is popping up everywhere (it's been happening steadily more and more over the years) and how people are just going crazy getting behind the wheel and just owning the road from everyone else; when they need to share the world with others; they take driving right down to a personal level when someone seemingly cuts them off; then they take it very personal; as if this other person has some vendetta against them; even though they have never spoken to this other soul/ other driver who hates them and they have to show them some sort of life lesson? they feel that person's life is worthy of ending right there and they are the ones to take them out to learn a personal life lesson all the way from inside a car?

Now how in the hell is that going to happen inside a 5000+lbs car?    "Oh NO they just disrespected me!" when in fact this other person just saw an opening to an exit that they needed to take and that they feel that they have to cross here not realizing they are crossing in front of Mt. St. Helen's  (some angry crazy person who owns the entire highway; no one can cross in front  of me ; "NO" this person's life is not worth me putting on my brake so suddenly?   Sometimes we need that little wake-up call of someone passing in front of us to remind us that we are not alone in this world.  Sure that person's life is worth sparing; they don't have to miss their exit because of little old me.  So what, they forgot to use their signal?  They are not NOT using their signal to disrespect us; they have other things on their mind and you don't have to show them with those aggressive horn honking or protesting to remind them not to be so uppity towards you!) of this person; it messes up their order of respect somehow?  when in fact this other peaceful loving person is just  more or less just thinking of getting home early enough to catch their child's game of soccer, football, or a gourmet meal their wife has just prepared for the them; what ever it may be; its not as personal as you may think.  They didn't cut you off to sabotage your life?  I wrote this article a few years ago for my Shoppingkharma site which I closed down a few years ago as well but found it might be useful since I do have a passion for ending all Road Rage.  It's not much of the article, but most of what is important and of course I have updated most of it.    I think its very wrong so here it is!)

Road Rage - How to Combat Aggressive and even dangerous driving

I think my wisdom can be used in this subject matter.  I've been flipped off many a times for being grandma driver, or asshole driver?  I don't care, whatever!)  You get over it and you live on!)  Road rage can be extremely dangerous and even deadly.  1 second could change your life for the worst if you don’t get a handle on it.  Yes, imagine that; one second everything in your life is good and then bammm!  Your life can change just like that!    Imagine being sued for a life lost because of an accident that could have been prevented?  I hope I can help you if you find that you answered yes to any of the following: - but don’t worry there are solutions.

You like to leave much later than usual and you seem to always be in a hurry to get where ever you wish to go.  If this is true, think about this.  What is the worst that could happen to you if you are late?  Would being late be worse than getting into an accident, being shot by someone, getting into an argument, getting arrested, or better yet, cause physical damage to your car and further delaying you. I live kind of in the ghetto so this is reality in my neighborhood but I do have many wonderful neighbors who never even consider being so mean.  Yes, I said it; Road Rage is very mean and rude towards others.  I've dabbled in road rage and find it not to be very satisfying for my soul!) 

Are you in a hurry to live your life?  Well I sure as hell am not!  I hope you're not?  You shouldn’t be.  Life is something that should be treasured everyday wherever you are. Hell taking a shit everyday is a blessing to be thankful for!)

Do you often sit in traffic and take it personal when someone cuts you off (causes you to have to brake suddenly).  Always remember that when you do take the time to brake for that person and no matter how mad you are at that person for making you brake or doing something that may not seem that bright, that person’s life IS worth braking for no matter what; that person has a family waiting at home for him/her.  You may not know this person, but someone out there adores that person and if they are killed, someone will miss this person who ever that is.  Imagine if it were a young teenage who isn’t quite an experienced driver.   Many teenagers after just a few weeks feel they are experienced and don't feel you need to teach them any lessons; oh they will learn many lessons out on the road.  They may act like a little SOB hothead but no matter what there are those parents who love him/her no matter what and your life will change drastically if something horrible happens to this kid; so just be careful.  Driving defensively is the best way to drive and avoid any kind of accident.

Here you can see me sitting next to my "R2"; R2 sucks my gut when I get blocked which is practically all the time.  It can suck a lot out that I don't puke up.  I'm doing OK for now; handling pain on a daily basis and thankful for all the moments that I don't much feel the pain.  My tummy hurts horribly if I vomit more than 5 times a day; I combine 3 drugs for pain: Dilaudid, Methadone (both prescribed by hospice care), and Pot (recommended by my doctor and hospice care).  Those 3 work in their own separate ways.  Another reason why I don't drive anymore.  So all of you who currently drive; you are very lucky; don't ruin it with something as dumb as road rage.  Man I have seen some scary, scary videos of people with their road rage.  I had to say something because it is wrong and crazy. 

Back to this road rage:  If your commute happens to be a long one and someone keeps cutting you off to make it slower; don't yell or loose your patients; all time is precious.  Would you rather be sitting on the road waiting in traffic listening to your  ipod or MP3 player, with your favorite playlists, or Satellite Radio; they can seriously calm you  while in the car or would you rather be sitting in a hospital room?  Imagine the worst the worst place to be at that moment or is it enjoying time out driving?

This is another great photo of my honey's undenying love and devotion for me no matter what.  He has my back and I have his!  He takes care of my everyday; flushing my lines and giving me Zofran 3 times a day, hooks me up to my 10 hour meal and unhooks and flushes all lines the very next morning.  He also changes the catbox as often as he can which is something I can never do but he happily does. Our cat is awesome; why deny him!)

Just having the freedom to go anywhere you want is something to be treasured; there are so many out there who can't do the same; so consider yourself blessed if you can.    Time is never wasted even on the road; so just make the most of it; no arguing and cussing out people you don't know or threatening anyone with violence?   If someone else starts honking at you or tries to get your attention; don't make any eye contact with someone who is.   True there are so many great new technologies that make driving all the more fun and enjoyable as well as easier.   Don't ever try to reason with anyone while you are driving; it just can't be done.  The scary thing is they might just have a weapon.   I don't know I'm just thinking of better things to do in slow or dead traffic so it's not so boring or unpleasant; music seems to make everything much better especially inside a car!)   There are so many better things to do in a car than get mad and angry at people you have never met before; you think you know them just by being in a car behind them; sure as you call them fuck face, shit head, and every other name in the book?  That is not knowing somebody enough!? LOL

I'm still keeping on keeping on!  Each day is a gift; some days I have energy and some days are just spent in bed at today and yesterday have been.  I'm still trying to gain weight and am kinda sorta maintaining at around 88-90lbs.   I'm still doing the stupid eating and vomiting thing and the vomiting is totally involuntary; I hate puking with a passion but it happens and I can't help it.  It comes out of my nose if I do nothing to stop it.  That's so freaking disgusting!) LOL!  I'm also suffering from horrible, horrible ass spasms so if your day was depleted of those things then I say You had a pretty good day!)   Here is the most gorgeous photo I have ever seen taken by Elena of course!)  She really is an amazing artist!)

Peace and Love to all of you!  I hope one day there will be an end to Road Rage! What an ugly reality!  I still have all of you who are loving and compassionate souls!)