In this photo some co-workers are visiting and have brought me gifts and cards from others at work who are equally concerned about my health. I never thought that I was that inspirational to so many; I just try each day to get through the pain and on with the good of each day. It's the best way I know how. Here, I am sporting a gorgeous ring one of my co-workers got me and it's beautiful Jade which matches many of my outfits!)
cancer like pain on my right side on my back ("shit the pain pump might not be working!" I thought); it felt as if a dagger was sticking right out of my back and I was just waiting patiently for my honey to pull it out. OMG did it hurt? Also, I have been throwing up quite a bit lately (pretty much everything I eat) and not able to keep food down as much as I would like. I know I must be keep some of it down since I am also suffering from intense musle spasms (in my ass!( My honey is also getting tired of his Packer popcorn bowl (he donated it to me through love) being used for my permanent puke bowl; ( well he just hates the sound of me puking my gutts out)I seem to grab it every couple of minutes sometimes and the most god awful disgusting noises from my puking occurs. It sometimes just sucks ass! What a trooper he is to still be married to me and to love me all the same; I'm thankful each and every day for his love and support.
Well we certainly had the most wonderful visit from my dad last week (he left yesterday & Miss Blue Belle has been missing him something terrible = there is no more grabbing her at 7am and through out the day to take her on those long lovely walks with her grandpa; although I am doing my best but I can't possibly walk nearly as far as father had been taking her (2 mile walks twice a day. He sure helped us out with laundry and the cleaning and basically just being a very supportive father for both me and my honey. I'm so happy that my honey has my dad now to talk to, and relate things too. He knows that he can talk to my dad about anything and I'm so happy that he can. My hubby called me on Monday night to tell me I had the coolest dad ever and I had to remind that he is his father too! My father sang karoke at my honey's local pub on Monday night; a David Allan Coe song; he told me in his exact words "your dad is total punk rock". Needless to say I was pretty proud; but I've always been proud of my dad and feeling more close to him than ever. We had never been this close when I was a child and my mother had forbidden me from being able to spend any amount of time with him which basically hurt me more than she could have imagined that it did. I think she is reconsidering what she had done to me but it never does anyone any good to hold on to those old bad memories; you have to keep on living and try very hard to remember the good things that happen to you and just let go of the bad things. Most people remember the bad things they experience in a day more so than the good things and I feel it is something more of us should stop doing; cherish the moments that we do have because we never know what the future holds. How can we not when we have the news and media constantly shoving more bad news down our throats than ever; I would actually watch the news if it was any good; but the reality is that it's not; bad news sells?
Well if I had listened to my doctors perhaps I would not be here and that's a good thing; I believed in my life everyday and I still do. That tells you that the mind is very powerful; I believed in my honey and that is why I am still here; love conquers all! He makes me appreciate every day and I'm so very thankful that we met nearly 12 years ago. He is the best thing that has ever happened to me. The cancer will hopefully die on its own somehow and perhaps all those who are praying for me it could very well take mind over matter to destroy this monster for me and for so many others like me who are also fighting for their lives. Your life never remains the same after you are diagnosed but one thing's for sure; you treasure life a hell of a lot more than you ever did before and that is probably an understatement for many!
photo might look absolutely discusting and gross but another thing is that is also displays the love my honey has for me in taking care of me and changing this dressing on my gastric tube every couple of days. It is kind of like a pierced ear and one day I won't have to put dressing on it but for now; it's still kinda healing and always in danger of coming out!
Well I had forgotten to mention that my heart has warmed quite a bit and still remains so from a visit from co-workers. I could not believe how many still remember me and miss seeing me around. I hope and pray that I am able to return back to my job that I loved so much. Everyone that I worked with has a beautiful soul and I miss them so much as tears fall from my eyes while typing this. I was really blessed to be working where I was working; the company is a corporation but do they ever take care of their employees! I never felt so valued in all my life and I'm thankful to have had to opportunity to work with such awesome people whom I hope I never ever loose touch with.
I even had a friend whom I met a long time ago (20-25 years ago) come visit me and bring me some wonderful birthday gifts. I had all kinds of wonderful people stop by at my birthday party; neighbors and friends and ever a carpool buddy! It was great and I still am thinking about how wonderful everything turned out! It certainly made me feel a whole lot better because I sure needed after that rough spell from my hockey puck surgery; yes that's what I call it; if that doesn't look like a hockey puck than what does?
Oh and I had trippy experience refilling the damned thing (Medtronic Drug Pump); we had to increase the dosage just a bit (painful anal spasms= oh how embarrassing; no body wants those!( ) Anyway; he stuck a needle where the bandaid is and with a syringe filled it up with medicine and then put this little computer mouse like thing on my device and programmed everything? How facinating; huh? Anyway, I should cut this blog short and wish all of you Peace and Love!