Overcoming chemo brain with new devices and knowledge...

My husband and I have been so incredibly close lately (actually we always are). We have these cute little spats that don't really last long and always end up with us laughing our asses off at each other. One example is that we have these pool keys which I sometimes will loose. I put them in a pocket but it always ends up "well which pocket did I put them in?" Sometimes he looses them and it always seems that I am the one who lost them in the first place each and every time because of this chemo brain.

I am convinced each and every time when something does go missing; it must be me that lost what ever it is. I love to put things in pockets (yes coats and pants), in purses (which ever purse that might be). Women do have so many accessories and I'm no different. They look great, and they hold all of the things we can't possibly carry in our hands all of the time!) Anyway back to the missing pool keys; I had to call my neighbor to let me and my friend into the hot tub. I must have looked inside each and every jacket of mine and my husband's, pants I had worn, purses I may have used. I could not for the foggy chemo brain remember where those keys must be. My poor patient husband is helping me look and of course nothing.

The next day, my husband goes to work and then finds those keys in a pocket in his jacket that perhaps I had never even known he had; his secret pocket. The problem is neither of us can remember or even know which of us is responsible for loosing those keys. It totally does not matter to either of us. Move on!) We just cracked up when he produced them and told me he found them in his jacket in his secret inside pocket. It was either me or him? We had no idea but didn't care. He had checked the mail one of these days and I did too. I wore his jacket one cold, cold morning to take Blue Belle out for her morning potty break (could have had the keys then, but don't know). His coat is so warm and smells just like him that I just can't resist wearing it sometimes. I just remember his outside pockets which I always use but who knows? We were just so tickled that we found those keys. What a relief!

Chemo brain seems to be a big thing for me and many other cancer patients like myself. It happens sometimes where you feel this fog covering up your brain when you are either telling a story, trying to remember where you put something, or explaining to someone something you did, etc. It happens and sometimes when you try to figure out and to learn new things it takes many times of memorizing for anything to really sink in. Don't get me wrong, I still feel smart at times, just frustrated when I forget things. Things do eventually come to me whether its seconds, minutes, hours, days, and sometimes months. You never know.

Well I am doing new things for this New Year to improve my brain skills and I already feel great about it. For instance, I am taking that Yoga class which I can tell is helping me in other ways as well. I also signed up for this Medical Terminology course which really excites me and will give me a great challenge. Maybe I can find out what's really ailing me; yeah its the cancer but hopefully I can fix myself, myself. Wouldn't that be cool? Yeah that's a dream, but I can also make myself more useful in this world by learning medical terms, what they mean, and more.

I also just got myself a new iPhone and its so far pretty fun and I can play with and learn how to use on the way to work! Oh boy! So far so good with the learning how to use; still getting confused with the menus but I have a feeling this will be a good experience for me. Oh,, it's a fun one!)

I just shipped my mom her new phone (my old phone). It will be so good if we can get back to talking to each other every day or every other day again. I hate doing the weekends or once a month. That will not work. A woman's gotta talk to her mom as much as she can or least every day , right?

TGIF! Don't get me wrong, I love each and every day and have found new purpose in going to work in that I do have fun, I get to work with some people who really do have hearts of gold, they do good things for others, would be more than willing to give the shirt off of their backs, and what ever they can do to help out. Their work involves creating drugs which can save the lives of those with debilitating diseases.

However lately, I have found it really sad when others at work tell me of how others make it really hard for them to deal with work (making them very miserable) and while it does make me sad to see others so sad, I just hope that my presence makes going to work so much better and tolerable. I just do my best to cheer others up with my problems. It seems to work with my mom and it makes me very happy to be able to do that for her and for others. I catch myself laughing so hard at myself that I get others laughing too. That always seems to make me feel wonderful!) There might as well be some positive in my seemingly constant bowel problems.

I decided after this experience in the hospital that I just want to just do my best at everything I do. Yeah, it was a close call!) I made it!) So now, I just give everything I do my all! Yeah I have been doing that all along, but never have I felt so strong about it; actually perhaps I always have. I really do like to make those around me appreciate their lives so much more than they do or just to feel great just being around me and maybe I am able to influence others that being miserable is no way to be or to live your life. Live a little, laugh a little, give a little.

I was at work early today and I only got around 3 hours of sleep; if that. I did have some very painful problems today (not until after noon) which honestly does worry me. It was good for me to be at work and to get things done, but in all actuality I was pretty scared today about my doctor's appointment yesterday.

Work actually helped me get my mind off of those problems, but once that pain started I had to sit it out for a little over 2 hours. Yes, I had a bad case of diarrhea which happens sometimes too often; I'm still very, very happy as can be that my butt hole still works!)

I almost felt as if I had dry heaves in my butt hole and that my intestines felt as if they might just come right on out (that I might shit out my intestines). How unpleasant that was and I for sure could not go home while this was all happening. I couldn't get it to stop a few times; like all the food I had eaten was now coming out. I didn't have any appetite for any food and was fearful that it too would come rushing out. That's another thing my doctor had been concerned about was my weight. I need to gain some! I'm still loosing weight but still within the 120lb range. With my clothes, jacket, boots, and a set of keys I had in my pocket; I weigh 129.

I still managed to get things done and all that I had promised I would get done. I felt great about that but was still in lots of pain. I tried some aspirin, then a few hours later some Ibuprofen. It was just like I had taken some sugar pills, so I just tried some breathing techniques, thinking about Blue Belle and what every I could do to rid myself of pain. I tolerated it quite well and NO that does not happen all the time. Just 1 day out of 4 which isn't that bad. No pain the rest of the week.

Finally, it (butt hole dry heaves) stopped, peacefulness but still quite painful! I drove home and then decided that I needed to go to Whole Foods to find me some stuff that could put some real meat on my bones. I called my mom on my new phone and my new hands free device with does not have one of those ear barrettes (torture devices for your ears) just to tell her that her care package is on its way.

How wonderful it was just to hear her voice and that I was indeed cheering her up. I was parked and ready for my shopping trip (all except that feeling of intestines coming out of my butt hole). She told me I needed to smoke a bowl and I did. Within 10 seconds; the pain dissipated. How amazing that felt and my mom got to witness all of this on the phone!) Actually she has witnessed it many times. I sometimes will call her in pain and she will always tell me "You need to go smoke a bowl". How cool is that for my mom to say that to her own daughter? She knows it works and it really does. I would be arrested if I lived in her state (South Carolina) and dared tried to get rid of that pain and uncomfort. Well now I could walk to and inside the store without any pain! What an awesome plant and medicine!) I guess my ancestors weren't at all stupid.

I got all kinds of great stuff at Whole Foods including some Aloe Vera juice, Fish oil (w/out mercury), stuff that had no gluten, soy, or dairy. Maybe diet can help me and perhaps this others stuff can help regenerate my intestines. I told the cashier of my hopes and dreams that I will cure myself one day. After she had bagged up my groceries, she walked around the counter and told me that she just had to give me a hug, so she gave me a good solid hug. It was very sweet. Here's to hope!)

When I got home, my dear sweet husband had fixed the water heater (actually he bought a new one and a friend of his helped him install it). Yeah! We have hot water!)

So am I allowed to laugh at myself?...Hell Yeah!)

My whole goal to my life is to keep on living no matter what. I like to think that that my life is very interesting in that I keep living no matter what. Things are always happening in my life; & of course I laugh at myself often. Just think about all the things that are happening in our universe right now; well just in my life. I bet a whole comedy series could be based on my life. A hell of lot more interesting than many of these dumb comedies I see. You have to admit; life is pretty interesting and we are all dished out challenges that we have to accept and live on with. I see those who play victim and blame all around them when they should be questioning their own actions and why they react the way that they do. Spoiled brats they are!

CAUTION: To those puritans and people who hate sex generally; this post is not at ALL for you. In this post I will be talking about masturbating; tantric sex, orgasms, horse pee pills and more. You may go ahead and close the window and stop reading if you don't want to read about all those bad, evil things. Just a few weeks ago I did post exactly this subject and yes, for those of us who sometimes forget about that sex drive, this might just be the post for you. It's a bit humorous; but its completely and totally honest. Hopefully this post can help others or just laugh at my stupidity. That's OK too!)

I happen to enjoy it (sex) quite a bit when I feel like it or can remember it. I love my husband with all of my heart and soul and never wish to have anyone else. In fact, the thought hardly ever crosses my mind. I think the thought of just being with anyone else actually nauseates me. I'm perpetually faithful to just him and only him. (it really helps to lack a sex drive) Don't get me wrong, we do get to have enjoyable sex every once in a while and although it's definitely not at all to procreate for kids. We have sex because dog gone it It feels good, we love each other, and that's just something that married people should be allowed to do with each other. We love being married to each other and why not have sex? It's a great way to connect on a very deep level.

Not to get off the subject briefly, but I have been watching the History channel the seven deadly sins. What a very interesting program that has been this week. It is said that most people actually believe that sex or lust is the worst carnal sin ever. I don't agree. Now it is when you harm others or do so against their will. That is pure evil. Harming anyone who never asked to be; is evil. For married couples in love; not so.

Personally I feel that greed is the most absolute horrible sin anyone could commit. I'm poor and I still give to many. I just can't help it; I must share. I donate my money and some of my time to help others in any way that I can. I always just wish I could do so much more; but I'm limited in what I can do just like most. I just want my trip here on earth to be rememberable for many that I inspire others to be the best that they can be.

I don't believe in just sitting around and letting life just pass you by; or those that are so incredibly greedy who take, take, take from others. They play victim, by complaining about life and how horrible it is. I don't want to hear or even be around that. Just an example, this bail out deal is really pissing me off. Those executives are greedy; what can I say and I'm appalled that we are helping them out and not helping those who really need it. I'm stopping there right away.

In all, I feel that you have to give and to share the world with others. I like to think that I'm here to make you laugh, to make you appreciate what you already have, be glad that what is happening to you is worse. For those of you whom I have sparked some curiosity; please continue reading. Please do laugh at some of my stupidity. Hell, I do for sure!

BEWARE: Pornographic toothbrush!!!!!

OK sometimes I have to admit my lack of a sex drive can be downright scary. (I don't have much of one but what I have is 110% for my loving husband and NO one else) What might be contributing to my lack of a sex drive is my absolute refusal to take horse pee pills (Premarin) or HRT (Hormone Replacement Therapy). I don't have any estrogen in my body; for from what I think; I don't think I have any what so ever.

Sometimes my husband and I will go several weeks in a row (bless his heart). Right when he starts to get frustrated; I take notice. So for right now, what works for me is that it takes about an evening of masturbating with my vibrator, sometimes two, or three or more to be able to do something for him the very next morning. Well first I do my vaporizer and it relaxes me so that I can do some breathing exercises, then some yoga poses. By then, I'm super relaxed and now ready to pull out my dildo (sorry I like the sound of that word - it just makes me laugh). I go into the bathroom to wash it off really good (with soap and water) even though I washed it after I used it before. Sorry, things get dusty around here, so its very important for me to wash it really good before and after use. I start out low then medium, then high speed. Because I am relaxed and then able to hit those important spots that make me tremble. I have to make sure all is working down there; right? So that I can make my husband happy.

Right after, I masturbated and kinda sorta got off; I walked into the bathroom to wash off my dildo and for some reason; I got side tracked (I needed to brush my teeth right away) so I placed the dildo sitting upright on my side of the counter. It's kind of embarrassing when I have it just sitting there on the counter; but luckily it's just my husband who would see it just sitting there; ready for me to brush my teeth with it.

But anyway, I had done that in order to brush my teeth with my new electric toothbrush. What an awesome toothbrush! (I got my husband and I each one for Christmas) I must have been really tired and/or a little stoned; because I left the dildo on the bathroom counter (right where my toothbrush should be) and grabbed the toothbrush and laid it on my bedroom table (where my dildo should be= we have an adult household and I'm allowed to do that!). Around the middle of the night when I decided to wake up and go to the bathroom; I saw my dildo just sitting there. I didn't think anything of it; really thought that I had put my vibrator away but apparently not. It was so dark that I couldn't really see the table when I returned and place the vibrator back laying upright ready for next use.

Earlier that morning, I couldn't for the life of me find my new toothbrush; so I had to use my old one. I was bummed.

I finally found that nice electric toothbrush a little later. Anyway, I didn't notice my toothbrush sitting where my vibrator should have been till this morning right after my husband and I decided to make love. There is was right next to my vibrator! I guess if a stranger were to see my bedside; they might just think I'm pretty damn kinky!)

I have been getting more and more into yoga and have been practicing some great breathing exercises mainly used in tantric sex which is what Sting and his wife practice. It really does seems to make our sex all the more enjoyable. I know for a fact it really does make a difference. We have never ever felt violent after making love or harming anyone. It always seems to feel great and I keep reading articles upon articles that its healthy and really good for you to have more sex. Can you believe you can also loose weight? Of course I don't need to do that just yet; I need to gain more weight.

"In Tantric sex the point of sex is not orgasm, the point is to feel. There is no clear cut beginning middle or end. Most of the exercises related to Tantric sex involve slowing things down, trying not to focus on our external body, or orgasm, or anything outside of our experience of the moment."