What it takes to kick this disease...

That is probably the question of the century. I get so mad when I see all the money being wasted on a war with the wrong country that attacked us in the 1st place. The insane amounts of money being tossed away in a toilet in Iraq when there could be money being used for researching this terror called "Cancer". It is not something totally out of the question to solve; it is possible. How many more lives do we need to loose? Millions more? How about billions? I have made up my mind that mine is not going to be one of them! I have the will in my heart to keep on going even when it seems impossible; I can feel that inner strength inside me that tells me to never give up. I have so much hope in my heart that I can beat this. I also have too much to live for and so much to do with my life. It's not over yet!

Today I rode my bike and attempted to do some swimming laps in the pool but I just couldn't get over the fact that the pool felt cold even at 84 degrees. It could have been some of the slob that I was seeing in the pool along with with lots of hair?

I was also on the phone catching up with others for whom I have been so horrible at keeping in touch with. They now have AT&T and we can talk for free!) I missed my chance (to swim this weekend).

Blue Belle did amazing as she ran along side me on my monster bike; it kinda feels like a Monster now that I seem to be doing the balancing act on it. I'm so tiny and I bet it out weighs me by at least a hundred pounds.

Yesterday I did 7 laps around the complex on the bike with Miss Blue Belle and then swam 3 laps in the pool. I felt quite accomplished and my honey went to the hospital to pick up my Protonix (I ran out a few days ago) and since then have been puking up a storm at night and in the mornings. The Protonix seem to have not gotten enough into my system to take effect just yet.

It wasn't very pleasant for my honey to hear when he awoke yesterday. He was trying to be all romantic and then I ran for the toilet and started puking up a storm. How incredibly sad!( I felt like a total shit and I told him I did not feel like puking because he made me feel like puking because that is not at all the truth!(. I love that man with all of my heart and soul; so I took it personally when he tried to show affection towards me and that stupid puke just had to come out; I still ran for the toilet with my mouth covered. I puked out quite a bit, but it sucked because it was the wrong moment for it to happen! My Love understood completely. He felt bad for me and was worried. He called at lunchtime to find out what I needed and I did tell him that my prescription had run out. He did all the rest and went and got it for me!)

OK back to whey I didn't do any laps today in our pool. Well, our pool is more public and kids tend to bring up the bacteria level in a pool which can cause my kidneys and bladder to go ballistic with the infections. My doctors did warn me of this. I am planning to use the pool Tuesday - Thursday and the rest of the week I can just ride my bike; everyday will be exercise to get my body stronger. I am also going to try to eat as good as I can or best I can. I don't know how to just yet, because most of the time; I don't feel like cooking or cleaning up while cooking. It's kind of hard to do now. I just can't do any more shakes for a while; they nauseate me to no end and the texture is not working for me anymore; besides most shakes look like poo to me (they might as well taste like it too!(; I guess just the same as the black bean soup.

I'm taking a little break from them (for now) and will try to get my nutrients more so from the kid vitamins. Somehow I need to get more protein into my diet but I need to take a break from those shakes. I just can't stomach them any more!( Maybe I can sneak some protein powder in some food? Pancakes? Homemade breads? I don't know, but I do need to find a way and try to be creative.

Well I did take Miss Blue Belle with me to the vet today and Igot a second opinion on her teeth cleaning and the amount of weight she needs to loose. She must loose at least 5 lbs and then work from there. She is a larger Sheltie but she is turning into a little meatball!) I won't let it happen and we had to tell the cook at the pub that she is no longer to receive any more tri tip. I cut down on her food here and of course I have been exercising her and me like crazy these last couple of days. I still have to deal with pain daily and still getting those muscle spasms but just a few times a day. See that doesn't even stop me; I just have to time things just right with my system.

Tomorrow is the "Relay for Life" and I put together 3 boxes (they were cheaper than the baskets at Tuesday Morning!). I had some extra products from closing down my business (long story, not cut out for owning my own business or processing orders), but anyway I did have some extra products and decided to donate them for this charity event. I filled each of the boxes with bath Salts, Massage Oils, facial wash, moisturizers, teas, and even a mud body wrap; just spa products for each of these boxes which will be raffled off tomorrow.

I just spoke with another friend whom I haven't spoken to in months; anyway she has a daughter that is 4 and is a survivor of spinal and /or brain cancer who will also be doing the survivor walk with me and Blue Belle. I plan to take lots of photos and tomorrows update may not be until Sunday after the Farmer's Market! We will see!) Amanda is also walking the survival walk with me and we are also planning on attending the breakfast. I have to get it together my team is called the "Caped Cured Saders" so look out!) I may see many other friends tomorrow showing their support. It is a touching event and I can't wait to experience this with my Lover!)

Government Services are appreciated....

Please forgive me as this post might just seem like its all over the place. I haven't posted in 4 days so I imagine many might have been worried that I had been hospitalized. No, just very busy and having a blast healing; but not yet gaining weight. Somehow most of this post somehow got deleted and I'm pretty bummed at Google for that. Anyway, I'm getting over it.

As for suffering, I am having pain when I pee and poo (hemi pains = most unpleasant!). It's kind of painful to feel and to have to go mostly constantly or so it seems; sometimes I get a hour or more break and can actually get in the car and go do things; like grocery shopping, dropping off paid bills, making deposits, and so on. I am dealing very well with with the pain that I have; I'm taking pain killers only on an "as needed" basis.

I forget to sometimes and my honey will have to remind me that I shouldn't make myself suffer in too much pain. Cancer is a very painful disease and many don't understand this part of the disease. Sometimes I get these very sharp piercing pains to a weird type of spasm like nerve pains (either in my intestines or anus) which almost feel as if the cancer is eating me alive. It freaks me out and then I have to calm myself down with Blue Belle at my side; so then I imagine those cells dying and cell death just happening spontaneously inside my body. That works out pretty good for me using visualization techniques to kill this stupid cancer!

Well the pain in my peehole lately has caused me to start worrying about my stint and if it comes out on it's own. I'm so scared of this happening sometimes. It really scares the crap out of me and I hope this doesn't happen. I believe it would break my heart because living without that nephostomy bag has been a total blessing.

I just stood in the shower this morning in total heaven (as I do most mornings); I was totally enjoying washing my hair, shaving my legs, even the hot water hitting my back where at once it was forbidden for so many months. If you were able to take a shower this morning; I certainly hope you never ever take it for granted; I hope you loved it as much as I did; it really is a blessing and I thank San Jose Water and the Santa Clara Valley Water District. These two government entitities ensure that we all have clean working water for our homes. We have to pay each month, but it's not a whole lot. I feel its worth it!)

What would we do without them? The local government that sucks? or that people say sucks? I don't see the problem with public employees at all where we are hiring local citizens for jobs that help out our communities. I think these community run organizations are wonderful and prices; especially garbage removal, recycling, schools, and I feel hospitals should be on that list too! They each create jobs while we pay for those services monthly (water, garbage, etc)

I honestly feel there should be health care for all who are working; my poor brother does not even have health insurance (he totally works his butt off); neither does my mother and they literally do work their asses off. I'm kinda puzzled by the whole if you don't have a job, you get free insurance, free food, free money and then if you do have a job; you can't get that free healthcare. If you are working, paying taxes, you should by all means have access to that healthcare. I'm sure they are not the only hard working Americans who simply do not have health insurance. If you have a job; you should have health insurance. My own mother has to purchase medications monthly and it's not cheap what she pays for her medications. She is considered too young to even retire or qualify to get on Medicare.

Go Obama! Let's get a health plan for everyone deserving of one!) I have to admit that I do have a problem with those who play victim and don't help themselves or others. They just expect that everything will be handed to them on a golden platter or they just steal from others, expect that the government is all there to take care of them or that all of us taxpayers are supposed to take care of them. Pull your own weight! Life isn't like that; you have to work to get where you want to go; life is all about effort.

OK I got off track a little but I do feel this is very important and have been thinking about it a lot.

OK, I will start with Sunday; I watched my temperature quite closely the entire day, I took so many photos of 98.2, 98.4, 98.1, 98.6, 98.7, then 98.0. Since I was obviously OK, I decided to take Miss Blue Belle with me to the Farmer's Market; she proudly wore her service vest and worked with me as I shopped. She made sure that I smiled that entire time and of course stopped plenty of traffic with her beauty and charm enough so to make everyone else there smile!) I was able to get some veggies and of course plenty of potatoes in hopes they will help fatten me up. I love the Farmer's Market!)

The heartburn has returned with a vengeance these last couple of days and I have been vomiting and of course having lots of hot flashes at night (it's got to be the Tamoxifen). I can't seem to get above 113; that's been my stopping point for this week. This is probably why I haven't been gaining the weight that I should be. I have been pigging out, but it all seems to come out right away.

Well on Monday, a good friend stopped to visit me from work and to bring by what I call a "Box of Love". It contained cards, homemade gifts (I love what comes from the heart = it's the best!), the best was this CD (I loved every song on it and can't stop listening to it), a beautiful home made necklace and ear rings (which I wore yesterday to the mall= it was worn with this outfit just under this smock that I am cleaning Blue Belle in), there were even some healing crystals which will be ultra fun researching to find out the best way these crystals are place on the body and how! Tonto was especially happy the one that had included the cat nip growing kit. This box of love was from so many loving and caring people in my own department. I'm so touched to still be thought about after all these months. The planting of the Catnip should be a fun project to do here in the house as I heal and try to gain 15 more pounds until I start back to work!) They all will be!)

Well the cool thing is, that I have been getting quite a bit of exercise lately and will be swimming tomorrow morning as well. I was supposed to yesterday (I didn't see the pool cleaners at all), but then again I did get to go to the mall yesterday to help out my local economy in any way that I can!) I bought 2 pairs of shorts and 2 tops and lunch for me and Amanda. We actually had 2 lunches just for me = still trying to gain some weight.

I do feel much better after all of this exercise and of course after taking a pain pill for my poor butthole pain (yowww!( I'm totally not a butthole so what's with my butthole pain? = well I did get sewn up down there and I can kinda sorta feel scar tissue where my intestines and anus were sewn together. Pretty trippy and not something to be totally proud of, but I am terribly proud to have survived so much and will continue to. As I say over and over and over again; I just wish for others to be happy that they are not having these types of pain; just be happy for what you already have right there in front of you!)

Be glad that you have your life no matter what; we all have to suffer in life in so many different ways; my suffering is so worth living. I have so many wonderful people in my life right now; and of course the best husband I could ever ask for.

Times might be tough but I always compare them to what I have already endured and its helps me get stronger every day. I have great days, and most of all "LOVE" in my life. I have managed to have created love from so many that I am in contact with and that makes me very happy!). What a great feeling!)