Singes of pain....

This morning I awoke to some extremely sharp pains in that same spot as before where I got hospitalized (left side where tumor implant was removed in 2005).

I have enough antibiotics for 2 days (today and tomorrow). I had to have my doctor appointment rescheduled because I had forgotten that I had the doctor appointment and of course 2 days later I am having some more problems.

Today has been a painful day but nothing a little cannabis could not get rid of.

My stomach swelled later this evening to the point that I looked as if I were 6 months pregnant. For right now, we are playing the waiting game in order to watch my temperature and if the pain passes the threshold 6 (its at 5 right now). It is scary and I really hope my massage won't have to be rescheduled and that I won't have to be cut open for my number 5 surgery.

Its so scary to be scared like this and I do try to get my mind off the pain and have been doubling up on the Miralax, Prune Juice, and what ever else I can do in order to get through this abdominal block.

I don't have gas which is another thing to be concerned about and thank god for the cannabis. Its all I can do for the pain right now as it is very uncomfortable to have to deal with. The cannabis has enabled me to drink more of my prune juice mixture, the Ensures, and has even alleviated the pain enough so that I can comfortably try some yoga moves and stretches in order to get my intestines moving again. Of course it does not have those side effects of causing constipation.

This age old medicine still works great even though financial interests have made it illegal by the Federal Government for me to use; not because it is a deadly drug of course and it is not in the slightest; but because me using this plant makes me not need to purchase medicine which doesn't work at all for me.

It's really funny what money can do for people and the draconian drug laws which ruin so many innocent lives. I really hope that this changes soon because I don't feel that I hurt anyone by alleviating this painful abdominal pain. My doctor completely approves; we are just prolonging my life for right now and its working.

I also ate some brownies that a dear friend made for me with some Cannabis oil which actually did wonders for getting rid of the pain and it also helped me to sleep soundly. I laughed quite a bit but that was about the most dangerous thing I felt like doing to myself. I just couldn't control the laughter at some points of the evening. I was able to get to sleep and so far so good. Fingers are crossed for right now that I won't have to get the Hot Stone Massage canceled just yet.

Patrick Swayze.....

I really am treasuring being out of the hospital now more than ever. It's a miracle just to be alive.

Being in the hospital really makes you enjoy the right now moments. I got to enjoy a very good hospital moment Sunday night watching an interview with Patrick Swayze as he battles with Pancreatic Cancer. He didn't sugar coat anything as I try not to here in my battle. We are both living for right now and that is what matters most to us. We both really don't know exactly how much time we have and we appreciating the time of right now.

For Patrick Swayze and Barbara Walters for asking just the right questions, I must say he really helped strengthen me in that I was miraculously able to get out of the hospital so soon and to not need that extensive surgery. I got through 4days of being hooked to an IV, shitting my brains my out from CT scan fluid. Hell, I had diaper rash! Oh, I don't and can't have kids, but guess what? I get to treat diaper rash on myself!) Yeah! OK, I did laugh quite a few times while in the hospital and so did a nurse. My husband and I did too of course. We were the loving couple fighting this disease together hand in hand. He was strong for me and that got me through much of this.

I think it was the thin fiber glass toilet paper (it sure felt like it was!) that caused that stupid diaper rash. How completely unpleasant that was. I nearly thought I would need morphine for that pain. The nurse was floored when I said all those things about the cheapest fiber glass toilet paper that was put on the roll wrong (down not over). She laughed so hard, that we both laughed together! I give her that!

Thank you Patrick! and of course my honey boy as he was so kind to get me some real toilet paper!) I love you honey! I got through those next few days in the hospital with out any drugs (just tons of antibiotics). The very last day in the hospital, my husband brought me some diaper rash cream! What a feeling! I made it and those around me who helped me. Just look at that real smile! How could I not be feeling healed?

I'm trying some new techniques of healing my soul with my dog in that she is with me just like a family is with their loved ones. Right when Patrick was saying "Gotta have my dog!" When he said that, I was actually petting my dog in the hospital. "Oh girl you need it!" She had on her little vest and my doctor is approved. "Bring her in!" You must understand and I do, I have my dog! I won't bring her to work ever, unless permitted to do so. She does heal my soul in so many ways and gives me the strength I need and so many others. Yes, she was with me in the hospital healing my soul and giving me strength, doctor approved! Absolutely!)

Yoga is another treatment for in helping me deal with any kind of pain I feel and of course those deep relaxing breaths.

I am so happy to be off of chemotherapy! I was given another chance to live and I am so grateful for it! I can get a few uninterrupted minutes of yoga without my dog trying to lick me. She comes over to me to remind me to stop and take a moment to enjoy her presense and of course I do (can't really help it).

I hope to survive many more years with her and my husband. I am so grateful for those around me who are able to help me live my life happily. You gotta enjoy your life and to experience it for what it is. I know I have been the last few days. To live the rest of my life happily, would be to end wars and try to resolve things more peacefully and while not hurting or harming others. OK in other words make the moment count where its a happy feeling, like laughter. I saw many kids that made me laugh. Life to me and all lives are right now.

Not to get off the subject, My old sweet, neighbor, the sweetheart that he is called me while in the hospital as we talked movies and I told him of me enjoying a movie with my dog. He laughed as I told him that Blue Belle liked "Milk" over "Marley and Me". The reasons of course, "She hated hearing all those kids crying and being sad. You must be happy! Hell, I was just crying my eyes out in the hospital! She wagged her tail at the end of "Milk" while viewers were actually cheering (I think she could tell people happy and excited) and she walked by my side out as if on the red carpet herself! Slowly and gracefully. It was so good to talk with him. What a great life experience that was! What a loving, person to know. I think we both relate well to not knowing how much time we have.

January 20th is going to be a very magical moment for me surviving this cancer and heading closer to year 7 with this disease. I get to start my first day back to work. We will have our very 1st African American President. I'm actually proud of my president and he will give me the strength I need to get through this. I really hope he means change.

I'm so very proud of him as he gives me more strength to fight this disease (no its a Chronic Illness). His mother did die of this very disease as it took her within months. Here I am, it's years. It's a miracle just to be alive! I love just being a miracle and proving to others that Yes, Life goes on.

It feels great to survive and snowboard season is not over for me just yet! Heah, I'm only 38. I have another year and half till I'm 40. Please give me that and it all natural aging for me and it actually feel quite excellent to age! You gotta enjoy everyday that you are given no matter what. Make the best of every situation you are given.

Anna Nicole was only 38 when she died and I am not done with this earth just yet. Not even close! Yeah, these past couple of days have been tough, but I get through them with lots of love and prayers. Thank you all from the bottom of my heart!)