More Days for Observation...

My vitals have remained solid and very good this entire time I have been in the hospital; this includes my heart rate, oxygen level, pulse, and most importantly, my temperature; which has remained normal. They have not changed at all since I have been here (since Wednesday evening).

When the OBGYN doctors returned the very next morning which was yesterday (Thursday); it was revealed from my CAT scan that my right kidney is blocked from the infection. Now this could be from a number of causes. For now, I would need to get a tube inserted surgically and then a bag attached in order to collect the contents or my right kidney. In other words, I would need to get a pee bag. If I delayed or nothing was done; my right kidney could become permanently damaged.

We did arrive on time and everything seemed to be caught early so we really needed to act quick in order to save my right kidney. I was told this bag would need to remain in place for at least a few months. I was pretty bummed to say the least but I do need my right kidney so I'm over it for now and ready to begin this whole healing process for however long it should take. So what is this exactly? What's the terminology for this pee bag? It's called "Percutaneous Nephrostomy".

The whole surgical process for getting the nephrostomy was pretty trippy. I wasn't wheeled into surgery until a little after 4pm. I was first wheeled into the surgery waiting area with my honey by my side waiting until it was time for me to go in for my process. My honey gave me a long kiss before I was wheeled in to the surgery room as we each told each other how much we loved each other.

When I got into the room, my gurney was pushed directly next to the operating table; a whole team greeted me as they each did their own thing. I was instructed to move over to the operating table as several team members helped me over. It was a comfy operating table; I had a pillow to place my tummy directly onto and a nice toasty blanket was put on my back as I lied down on my stomach. One technician operated on my back and I could feel the cold oozy gel that was placed on me then the wand from the ultra sound machine which guided the technician who was to insert the tubes into my right kidney.

I was given medication to first numb me and then to sedate me but I was still awake enough to watch the screen and to hear everyone in the room and even communicate to them. After the drugs I could barely feel little needles in my back to numb the area in which to insert the tubes into my kidney. It didn't take very long at all. It seemed only about 10 minutes in all.

All of a sudden I asked "are you done?" and they all replied "yes, all done". I was then moved back to my gurney and then wheeled back to my room where my honey was patiently waiting. He walked over to help me back into my bed and then he kissed my forehead as we both told each other how much we loved each other. This happens all the time. We must tell each other how much we love each other at least a hundred times a day. It's just the way that it is. He is there for me and I am there for him even though lately it has seemed a little lopsided.

Now this bag here fills up surprisingly quickly and I have also been peeing up a storm. I'm not sure how I am going to handle so many months with this contraption but I know in my heart I can manage to. I wonder how riding on the motorcycle or even swimming will be with this contraption or if its even possibly? Will I be able to or do I need to skip this hot summer and not swim? I sure hope not; I pray this thing doesn't have to stay in as long as they are suggesting.

I did find that I was incredibly constipated yesterday and requested to have a suppository. The pharmacy was so incredibly slow that it took 7 hours to get my suppository. The nurse finally complained to the slow pharmacist that there are many out there who need a job and that he needs to put some fire into his ass. I laughed; what a an awesome crazy nurse! My kind of lady!)

I have been blessed with some very sweet nurses except for that huge brute downstairs in Emergency. He was the best at finding a vein? What the hell!? Give me a break! I have seen so many others who proved miracles on my viens. I mean miracles!) Anyway enough about the bad Kharma.

I finally got my suppository and shit out lots of tiny little pebbles (hard shit) and boy did it hurt. It was such a grueling process of trying to update my blog and keep running back and forth to the bathroom to squeeze and squeeze and only get a miserable little pebble and then have my ass burn like crazy. I finally had to give up and work on it this morning. I took many breaks and finally here it is!

Well back to last night, I finally had enough pain and started noticing that my tummy was leaking some so I just grabbed a big stack of paper towels and my puke bucket by my side. I had a shot of morphine for the incredible pain of rocks slowing squeezing out of my ass (the kind with sharp edges or at least it felt that way). I also had an extra padding of diaper stuff (the padding they normally put on hospital beds to keep you from peeing or pooing on your bed) and just lied there and let nature take it course. I finally got all the pebbles out one by one in my bed. My back hurting far to bad to try to utilize the bed pan, so the paper towels worked like a gem. After I was done, I emptied my bucket into the trash in the bathroom (so I wouldn't have to smell a thing).

My honey came by later on and spent the night with me. He was bummed because of the Sharks very poor performance on their game 1 of the Stanley Cup playoffs. A whole shut out by a rookie. He had me to cheer him up even though my situation is not too much of a cheer but we are just grateful that I am alive.

It was a long night of having to get more pain medication, benadryl, getting my nephrostomy bag emptied, peeing, or getting more water.

UPDATE: I have been getting treated by that one doctor that had been so negative. I kind of feel he was negative at that time because he was tired and of course I nearly looked dead to him because I was in dire need of a blood transfusion (discoloration in my skin). I was in very bad shape and I picked up on that which is more than likely what made me freak out.

He is currently being very wonderful with us. These two days have been encouraging and he has given me hope that I will healing up just fine. I always give people more chances to prove themselves. I understand completely that we all have our days. I just ask of others to just be pleasant with me and don't cause me any stress. That's not too much to ask for at all. Peace and Love.

He has been encouraged by my healing. He told me today that the nephrostomy may just be in me for about a month or less than a month. I will be able to swim this summer. I will need to get a stint in order to keep the opening which more than likely is blocked due to scar tissue build up from all of my surgeries. This would be simple and I'm not sure how long the stint will have to be in but I would need to see a urologist for all of that. I may get to go home tomorrow but we will see.

If you notice in this photo, you will see 2 black lines. These are sutures from my incision to the abdominal wall with the layer of skin on top. Pretty facinating. Now the pen marks are marks where my skin was red from the infection. Now you see no infection what so ever just the gruesome photo of a hole which will heal up just fine!)


UPDATE: At around 5:30pm today; my husband and I were watching "the Dog Whisperer" together and I was actually craving a Fish Sandwich with extra tarter sauce, cravings for my favorite pasta salad; oh and so much more. I was actually fantasizing about all kinds of fattening foods I could eat once I get out of this joint. I felt so incredibly hungry and still am.

Well that soon changed when one of the OBGYN doctors came by to check on my dressing. We were all so confident that I could get to go home tomorrow and that it was all over. As I pulled my gown up; our mouths all dropped as we saw the dressing was wet with yellow. "Oh No! It can't be!" I thought. We pulled every thing back and the gauze that fit inside the wound was nearly black from fecal matter. A fistula had made it's way to my wound and this originated in my bowels. No food or water for me for at least a week or two; quite possibly longer. I will need to get a pick line inserted tomorrow to begin intravenous feeding so that I don't waste away to nothing.

How incredibly disappointing to know that I will need to spend another couple of weeks in the hospital again. I cried and cried in my honey's arms and the nurse brought me a painkiller and an Ativan to calm me down.

My honey calmed me and reassured me and together we both agreed that damn it! I'm one tough woman, I can still heal; I can get through this; I just know that I can! I have love, plenty of support from family and friends who also love me, more TV channels (National Geographic, Animal Planet) than before to get me by; although I really do miss Rachel Maddow like crazy; they do have 2 Fox Noise channels which really puzzles me and no MSNBC. It's not really news; it's mostly propaganda and besides Bill O'Reilly is Prozac for me; first he makes me crazy and second he kills my sex drive because he is so dam vile and nasty.

Anyway more updates to come!) Hope you enjoy even though I am stuck here in the hospital for what appears to be a long time. I will be healing; I promise!)

One Month Anniversary...

Today happens to be the one month anniversary since my 5th major abdominal surgery. What a month this has been and so many times since I have been home not quite the same amount of time as I was in the hospital; we've nearly had to go back several times because of fevers and infections. I had extreme temperatures, fights with my honey about not wanting to go and gotten through quite a bit in just a month.

Well that all changed this evening when I started having some extreme diarrhea. I started getting horribly painful anal spasms and had to take Ativan and Vicoden to rid myself of this pain and of course several nice shallow hot baths to relieve the pain on my poor tush. Well about 5pm as I was sitting relaxing in the tub; I noticed all of a sudden this yellow milky slimy infection stuff just oozing out of a hole in my incision area. It freaked me out so much. Just as I was getting up out of the bathtub to grab a towel and some bandages; in walks my honey.

I lied down on the bed as he cleaned the area and bandaged it up. Miss Blue Belle could tell something was wrong as she sat on my right side as my husband was on my left side. She was seated leaning against me as if to keep me from getting up and leaving. At that time; it was just a very small hole; maybe the size of large Sharpie pen point. We couldn't even see inside the hole and we immediately called our doctor and left a message.

As my honey hurried to take Miss Blue Belle out for a pottie break, I called the advice nurse who had me on hold for over 20 minutes. By the time I reached a nurse; my honey took over and then the doctor advised us to come into the emergency room.

We arrived at the emergency room and thank God it wasn't that busy. They took us right in. I got a temp room in about 10 minutes so that I could see a doctor. I was praying it would be something simple and that we could go home with in a few hours but in all reality it certainly wasn't.

In walked this huge brute who would be my emergency room nurse. He was quite forceful with me. He wouldn't even allow for me to tell him which of my veins were not good; he pretended to listen but then instead he brutalized my arms and I pleaded with him to please save my 1 good vein for my blood tests; but NO WAY was he going to do that. He just didn't have any talent enough to find another vein. It was much easier to just brutalize me.

The doctor had requested that I get a CAT scan and the huge brute wouldn't even allow for me to take the shot glass of the CAT scan fluid with the water chaser as many other nurses had allowed me to do. I bet he got off watching me get sick trying to drink the whole CAT scan fluid mixed with water. I didn't like this nurse at all even though my husband and him talked military he should not treat patients like they are merely test subjects or inanimate objects. That's exactly how I felt. He criticised me for telling him how to do his job and he even made it painful when he used my 1 good vein.

I did get to speak with several doctors and they all looked at my strange wound. See that whole there; that's what I speak of. It got bigger and bigger but it has this strange fettichinni (I can't spell; it's an Italian noodle) looking cloth stuff with medication to soak up infection.

I finally got admitted to my own room upstairs and the doctors came and examined me once again to change up the dressing some more. What they had explained to me was that there could be a deeper infection deep inside.

The body has it's way of communicating and this little infection here could communicate with other parts of the body or looking for more areas to infect.

To Be Continued....

It's the wrong medication...

Sunday night I managed to not get a temperature; however I tossed and turned and sweated like a pig for most of the night. I was soaking wet and my bed and sheets were wet which may have kept my temperature down since I was freezing when I awoke. Each time I woke up in the middle of the night I checked my temperature and each time it was normal which is very good. This encouraged me that perhaps I'm getting better! Finally!)

Yesterday morning I took my Cipro and then about an hour later my mouth started watering like crazy and I instantly knew what that meant. Its was that hot nasty tasting water we all so familiar with. I held my torn right side tight as I puked and puked. It even came out of my nose and I instantly felt weakened but since what had been making me sick was finally out of my system; I started to slowly improve through out the day. I ate some chicken and rice but really couldn't stomach it all that well. I had forced myself to eat and to drink.

I emailed my doctor to let him know that I puked and quite possibly puked up the Cipro. He called me back to let me know that my urine analysis results were in and the Cipro had only a 50% chance that it would cure my infections. According to the the test that drug was not at all effective on my bladder infection. It might cure my kidney but not my bladder. Cipro is a pretty heavy duty drug and this was the drug that the government was going to be stockpiling during the Anthrax scare.

My doctor explained to me that the torn muscle on my right side is actually my sore liver had cancer scraped from it. This makes some sense and that's where my liver is located. The new drug is supposed to be 100% effective and I hope to be on the road to recovery soon. The new drug is a mouthful but I call it Septra or Sulfamethoxazl/tmp .

So far I still feel nauseated but am still forcing myself to eat and to drink more; I'm up to 115lbs which is a few pounds more. Just a few more pounds here and there and I will eventually make it past 120.

I was also delighted to turn on the news and to watch the new photos of White House puppy which certainly brightened my day along with my husband and pets. Just being home with them healing makes me feel better despite everything else. I took it easy yesterday and didn't do much more than get up go to the bathroom and tried walking up and down the stairs to get myself stronger.

On Easter Sunday that nice caption was freed and those evil pirates were killed which is what they deserved for being greedy and evil. I am so proud of my country for handling this situation so well. Taking people and trading them for money is wrong and there is no need for that. Pull your own weight and do good for the world; don't take and steal from others.

Also for the first time in a few years this year we will getting a tax refund instead of paying more heavily since we are middle class! Yippee!) Even from State!

I did run a fever twice last night several hours apart and it only got up to 102. We got through them with the Extra Strength Tylenol and cold compresses. I am hoping that this new antibiotic will help stop these fevers once these infections are gone.

Today is a new day for healing. I went to see the internist today to find out what I can do about gaining some weight. He is putting in a referral for a nutritionist who can finally help me with my problem. He suggested several medications for my diarrhea and the whole deal of food going in and out so quickly and of course heartburn. After I have settled down with this new antibiotic there is another medication that I can take that can help keep me from getting more infections because of bile build up. Part of my small intestine which attaches to the colon was removed and therefore nutrition absorption is next to impossible in my situation and this medication may change that and this gives me hope. Each day is hopeful even though I get discouragement on many days; I'm still blessed to be alive!

A Severe Kidney Infection...

I awoke on Friday morning with a horrible back ache and severe nausea. I had no energy and just stayed in bed until noon. My best friend called me to check on me and didn't like the way I sounded so she called my husband to let him know I was in severe pain. I called my husband right after he had spoken with her and he came home immediately to take care of me.

We called the doctor and were able to go in a 1pm for an x-ray and then shortly after a blood test and urine sample. My husband had to push me in a wheel chair the entire time since my back was so incredibly painful; I couldn't walk. The pain level in my back was about an 8 on the scale of 1-10. It was absolutely miserable and not to mention burning like crazy when I peed.

We went up to see the doctor after the x-ray and lab work and he guessed from the lower back pain that I must have a kidney infection which can be very common in patients who are in the hospital for a prolonged amount of time. It's just one of the many bugs that are in hospitals and it could have even originated from the foley catheter being in me for nearly 2 weeks.

As I was sitting on the examination table the doctor helped me up so that he could feel my kidneys. Right when he pushed on the right side; I peed on the table just a little bit and I could feel the severe pain from the pressure. Both sides of my back hurt but mostly my right side. The doctor then sent us down to the lab for more blood cultures and a prescription for antibiotics (Cipro). He told me that we may be getting a call tomorrow to discuss results and if the best option would be to treat me inpatient or outpatient.

Well the very evening my temperature shot up to 103 and we dealt with it with cold compresses and Motrin. My honey was there by my side getting anything and everything I could possibly need. He filled up several of glasses of water and cranberry juice, medications, cold compresses, and more. I was thankful for being so thirsty as I downed 3 glasses of water and a glass of cranberry juice; then the nausea set in and I couldn't get drink another drop. This was essential in fighting my battle against this infection. I needed to drink more fluids to get this infection out of me.

It's been hard to try to be on top of the medications for pain, fever, and of course the infection and my honey has been helping me quite a bit with that. Friday and Saturday I sat motionless on the couch unable to move from the pain and being so drugged up; I just didn't want to move. My honey waited on my hand and foot and even helped me with this yeast infection medication. Now that's love!)

We received that call and indeed it was a severe kidney infection. We saw a doctor on Saturday who suggested we try to treat this at home since I had made such a miraculous comeback and even asked if we thought we could and of course any high fevers I would need to go to ER.

Well I got another 103 temperature twice last night and me being so stubborn pleaded with my husband to please not take me to the ER. I was pretty pathetic, lying on the couch freezing to death and burning up at the same time. My honey started to threaten me with taking me to the emergency room since I looked so sickly and nearly deadly as far as he was concerned. With that Blue Belle jumped up onto the couch and sat half way on my lap as if to say; "Please don't take my mommy away". My husband tried to get her off the couch, but she kept getting back on the couch; she was very, very serious. Even when he raised his voice at her and pulled her off the couch. She would jump right back up. She stayed next to me for most of the evening until Tonto got jealous.

I haven't eaten anything for 3 days and am surviving on juices; I will try my best to eat something today but not sure if I can even do it. Gotta try!) The Cipro has been coming up in my mouth and making a nauseating taste in my mouth which in turn makes all food taste sickly. I also have to take a combination of Extra Strength Tylenol for my extreme fevers and Vicodin for the severe pain in my tummy. (Pelvic, right side feels torn) - These are just the pains that I go through in a day!)

We are planning Easter Dinner with our neighbors today who love us dearly and are worried about me and my honey. This neighbor is the most amazing gourmet cook in our whole complex and we went over a few things last night to see if anything might work for me. I really do need to stuff my face (weighed in this morning at 112).

UPDATE: I had been running just a low grade fever for most of the day (100.5 - 99.8) that I should stay inside and my neighbor made the most wonderful meal in which she and her family brought over along with my husband. It felt so good to finally eat. a real meal. (blackened salmon, asparagus with hollandaise sauce, potatoes au gratin and then a strawberry pie for dessert!) It was so much better than an Ensure, soup, or smoothies!

Still struggling for normalcy...

Check out my healing tummy. I just pulled off the rest of the little pieces of tape today (stery strips). It looks a little rough right now but it is healing up nicely. It's hard not to itch because yes, its in that stage where it itches like crazy. Check out the hole where the gastric tube was and was leaking all of last weekend. Very trippy.

I woke up this morning with the worst nausea ever that I had no other option than to wake and bake which really helped alleviate that problem. Puking with a tummy that is healing was not going to be a option for me and I had to do what worked best for that problem.

I'm still dealing with the severe glass diarrhea which has been plaguing my system for several days now. It hurts so bad that I can barely walk after going. It's like I get these anal spasms along with the hemorroids. How incredibly unpleasant and very painful. Each time I go, I immediately need to take a hot bath and then all of sudden it's like I have to puke out of my butt again! It's a vicious cycle and it sucks! It hurts on a scale of 1-10; on the 8-9 scale. It's so very painful and really does feel like glass is coming out.

I haven't got it all figured out yet, but am still loosing some weight and then gaining on other days. I got down to 114 on Monday and I hope this is the last bit of loosing weight for me. I can't stand to see my skeleton much more than this and will need to take some drastic measures to try and gain weight.

This afternoon I proudly weighed in at 118lbs. Finally! I had consciously tried to eat through out the day including lots of protein if I could help it. I also went to Whole Foods and got these organic soy meatball and spaghetti-O's which had 24g of protein, a green tea machi at Jamba Juice, Strawberry brown cow whole milk yogurt with the cream on top, 5g of protein, and what ever I can get the munchies for that also had protein. Yes, cannabis is now saving my life at this point. I can't afford to loose any more weight and just wish to gain and get healthier = stronger.

I did take Miss Blue Belle to the park earlier today for just a few moments and tossed the frisbee maybe 10 times before I got tired and we had to drive home. It was wonderful to get outside today even though it was somewhat cold and windy and had been raining; it was still wonderful. I got some important errands run, laundry, and even changed the sheets on our bed today; a productive day just before the massive diarrhea started. I have been on top of the pain and taking my pain medications and hemorrhoid medicines. They help some.

Oh the unpleasantries of dealing with this disease. It's not all pleasant with my life totally revolving around these very important body functions. I am still very thankful to still have somewhat of a colon left which means that I have some healing to do and snowboarding next season! I get to ride my beach cruiser in about 3 more weeks but for now it's just walking for exercise and very light chores around the house. I still can't lift anything over 5lbs. On to more recovery! Gotta do some light yoga moves!)

Getting used to my new body...

Well this weekend had its rough moments in that I am having trouble gaining weight; instead I am loosing weight. I haven't quite figured it out yet, but my system seems to be running much faster than usual. After about 4-5 hours after I eat anything; then I get severe abdominal cramping and then the severe diarrhea.

As of now it feels like glass coming out of my ass but I am so very thankful everything is working but the pain is getting more harder to manage. I was taking the Vicodins purely for blocking the diarrhea but it wasn't helping at all with the pain just making the cramping pain more severe. I just started smoking my joints once again and this is working like a gem. I can not believe it!) Why didn't I do this sooner? It instantly calmed my tummy down and I was able to relax from the full stomach pain and cramping. The razer blade feeling in my bottom also was aleviated. Thanks to this wonderful natural growing plant which I hope and pray will become legal one day. No one has ever died from this miracle plant and I bet it could build our country strong once again.

My tummy fills up much faster than I am used to and I haven't quite figured out the size just yet (or how much I can actually eat) and have been having a hard time eating and then being too full. My doctor wants me to eat more protein and to eat several times a day. After I eat, I end up lying down on my back for hours waiting for my tummy to digest and still leaking out of the gastric hole. It is starting to heal some but still smells like puke. How weird is that?

My honey took me out for breakfast on Saturday morning and I got to have some hash browns and french toast which totally filled me up. I ate maybe a third of my plate and was so full my tummy ached. It felt so good to get out of the house and to see the public once again. I have been cooped up all week for fear of getting any kind of cold. Lots are going around apparently and that's the last thing I need right now.

I am finding that I have more energy but am still loosing weight. I weighed myself today and now I am at 116 even. My honey is worried again about me and I will need to make an appointment with my internist to see what he can recommend for gaining weight and dealing with this upset stomach. I am so very thankful to have those tubes out of me and just starting to heal. Tonight I plan to eat some marinated blackened chicken, mashed pototatoes and gravy, string beans and corn. I will be breaking it up and having 2 dinners in hopes this will help me gain some weight.

In a couple of days, my honey is threatening to take me to one of my favorite restaurants in the City "Squat and Gobble". They have the best crepes and so fattening which what I need. I love their teas, salads, soups of course their crepes. What's cool is that I can take it home and reheat and eat later and it tastes even better!) I have to wait and watch my bowels to see if I could handle just going to the city. In my 20's, I used to live in the city and also right down the street from this very restaurant (Lower Haight) and boy could I put that stuff down. I could eat an entire crepe and plate of their country potatoes and a salad. I couldn't possible eat even a 10th of what I used to eat before my metabolism has slowed down.

My doctor has told me that eventually my bowels will start to act normal but they are just waking up and happy to be home!) I'm just getting through this little rough patch as you witness!)

On another note of feeling great is my president for which I am so incredibly proud of. I watched several of his speeches this week and it really inspired me and gave me so much hope. All the pain I had been feeling did not matter. I forgot about it and entered into a world of nations who are working together to improve situations all over the world. I could not have felt prouder when I watched those speeches and of course the first lady when she spoke with those school girls in England. It was both heart warming and soulful for me to watch. The speeches really gave me hope that matters will not be handled with guns but with talking, compromising, and working together as a whole world should; not closed doors and fear mongering but with diplomacy and communication. This is the news I like to follow because it always tends to give me hope that things will turn around. We all matter now and what we do to make this world a better place to live. I feel my writing will help many and of course working on my actions as I heal.

My big dream is still to get Miss Blue certified so that I can help visit those who need her most. I see her healing powers everyday and if I can bring her to a few places (veterans hospital, convalescent homes). I feel we could all do something to help each other or someone who really deserves it. Giving really does feel good much better than buying something you really don't need.

Tubes removed!)

Yes, you read it right; my tubes have been removed. Well I wrote an email to my doctor this morning letting him know that the JP was not leaking anything and it appeared that it was working it's way out and the little stitches had begun pinching my body. I got a phone call within a few hours instructing me to arrive at his office at 1:30pm this afternoon. My honey had gone to work today and my best friend was there taking care of me so we went for lunch and then to the doctor's office to remove the tubes.

She dropped me off at the hospital so that she could go and pick up her kids while my honey drove from work to be there for this special doctor's appointment and to be there for me for which he was. I was so thankful when we walked up and sat next to me in the waiting room.

What a trippy experience that was getting those tubes removed. The feeling was a hard pinch for each removal. It wasn't at all pleasant. The lunch; bad idea but how was I to know? I didn't actually think of the consequences of having lunch just prior to have a JP removed that was attached to my stomach and then a Gastric tube that was also attached to my stomach. So during the surgery, my stomach was actually known to my stomach wall to prevent removal of the JP and Gastric tube which would have caused the stomach to fall back into the body and a hole resulting which could have been deadly but was not. Now, as my doctor was removing the gastric tube he quickly asked me if I had eaten just prior and I say "yes". Well with that just a few seconds after he had removed the gastric tube; a volcano spew came out of my tummy from hole where the gastric tube once was.

I lay there stressed over all the spewage coming out of my hole. We held tight for just a few minutes as I tried so hard not to laugh. My honey does that to me sometimes and I had to tell him to please be quiet. Imagine being married to such a jokester sometimes in these situations. He held my hand through out the whole removal process and even during this spewage situation. The doctor had me hold the hole as best I could as he tried to find some more dressing in order to stop this serious leak. He told me in few hours around after 6pm I could try to eat again but that this leaking would happen for about 3-4 hours until the hole would close up. I have to keep this dressing on until tomorrow and I can take a shower without any tubes!) I am free to heal and no more tugging or pulling from those stupid tubes for they have been removed.

I sat motionless as possible on the couch for those 4 hours flipping through stations and trying to nap. It sure was stressful trying to find a position where I wouldn't leak and I was afraid of leaking on our somewhat new couch. All good now at least I hope!) I don't feel leakage but I do have an appetite to eat. I will wait for a little while longer just to make sure!)

Still Can't believe I am at home!

It's been so incredibly wonderful to start my healing journey at home. I have slept soundly in my own bed for 2 nights in a row. It has also been hard for my honey to not hug all over me as we slept next to each other because I have to be super duper careful with these extra tubes hanging on my body. I did feel his arm go around me once last night and I squealed and he immediately stopped and put his arm back where it was. I'm so proud of my honey, he has done wonderful except farting in the bed. We both have and have laughed which I still have to watch. My poor honey can't make me laugh too much now; isn't that a bitch? I live to laugh with my honey!)

Anyway back to those dangers of my insides which even feel as if they could also be easily be pulled on and my tummy pulled apart with a laugh or even a cough. I have to sleep on my back which is next to impossible for me; but in my very own bed with the man I love; much easier and possible. I mostly do love to sleep on my tummy but it's not comfortable at all these days.

Those stupid tubes still pull and pinch when they have the opportunity to do so and I so hate it. Can't wait to get them removed next Wednesday, April 8th at 3:30pm. What a day that will be and the following day too once they are out and I get to move around much better.

I have specific instructions on cleaning my dressing where my tubes are and showering. I also have to empty out the grenade from JP which I will do sometime tomorrow evening. There just isn't enough in there to even empty and this is very good news. This mean that the infections in my tummy may now be gone since nothing is coming out. I will try to empty tomorrow night or the night after but it's not enough to empty tonight which I had planned. It's been since Tuesday night when I first emptied it and changed the dressing with the help of my honey.

My honey helped me shower by standing just outside the shower holding onto my JP while I am in the shower so that I can wash my hair and body. His arms stays solid in the shower with me holding my JP as I comfortably wash my hair and body. He even turns the water on for me since I can't reach for anything because of my right arm being so sore from the pick line. I can't really lift this arm high or reach for anything just yet; still healing there too.

I suppose the pain in my arm may be lasting. That's because the pickline went from the main artery in my upper arm to the main artery to my heart in order to feed me and deliver medicine and pains meds to me while I was in the hospital. What a trippy thing that is. The wire or so it looks like bends over at a strange angle into my arm and when it is pulled out it is long! That dressing needed to be changed once a week and now I don't even have a bandade on it!) I would have photographed it but I already feeel that I have left plenty for your imagination and that was just another weird thing to deal with. My honey got to watch them insert that thing in my arm as they used an ultra sound machine to help guide it into the main vein going into my heart. I was pretty drugged up when that happened which was also a good thing.

I weighed myself today just to see how much more weight I may need to gain or have gain; only to my disappointment only 118lbs today. I'm 5-6 and look much better when I weigh in at at least 135 - 140. I like having curves and it's much healthier for me to do so. Must have meat on my bones!)

I started off with a huge high calorie shake, then an Ensure, and then the diahreah started. My stomach just kind of gurgled and the pipes sounded so very similiar to the ones in the movie I watched last night (Night in Rodanthm). Yes, I watched a girlie movie last night and it was good, 3 and half stars from me. I won't ruin it for anyone but the hotel in the movie is amazing and dreamy. How awesome to stay in a hotel with my honey there!) Beautiful inn on a beach on the Atlantic Ocean in NC. Very relaxing movie to watch and a tear jerker which I wasn't at all expecting.

OK, I already know it (need more food with substance) but in all honesty, I haven't been to the store in 2 and half weeks so lots of food had to be thrown out. I need protein more than anything right now and my doctor stressed this and I am listening. I just don't have any more substance.

My poor bottom has burned most of the day from all of the diarrhea I have had but thanks to having 3 sitz baths which most certainly helped. I just don't have any real food with substance right now (no time for shopping). Grocery shopping for me tomorrow; I just have to create a list tomorrow and my honey will go for me. What would I like to eat?

I still have to avoid all sickness (which is why my honey doesn't want me in public places just yet) and it wouldn't do me a lick of good to get a cold and start coughing my insides out, rip a stitch or ten: all I have currently are these little pieces of tape holding me together and the scar tissue which has since formed since the staples were removed.

Once these tubes are out of me; I can tell I will much more freedom because I can tell that my wound is now healing nicely. No redness except where the stupid JP needs to be removed. It still burns where the incision site remains and my tummy hurts as if I just did 5000 sit-ups. I get to be lazy today and try to heal and can even be lazy in the days to come!) It's my time to be taken care of. We all get this in our lifetimes and then we get to take care of someone else we love; that's how it works.