I'm back home from the hospital again!....Hopefully for good!

This morning I finally got released from the hospital at around 11am. I had awoken with severe nausea and pain in my abdomen (most likely from the chemo) so we dealt with that. I kind of just had to lie on the bed and stay motionless for just a little while. This feeling did keep me from packing things up as I had wanted to and I also wanted badly to go upstairs to floor 4 to say good bye to my new friend Anne and to bring back a DVD I had borrowed. I just didn't have the energy; I couldn't get myself out of bed. I was so incredibly lethargic!(

The doctors had come to see me shortly after 7am to remove the staples and to discuss my early release from the hospital. I was stoked but also frightened dearly of having to get those staples removed. Don't laugh, but I video taped the whole procedure this time for those of you who might be interested in that kind of stuff. I didn't realize it but the last two staples were actually blocked by my shirt; sorry about that (I was being a chicken monkey about it all and I videotaped the whole deal with my eyes closed. That's why I wasn't carrying on!); but I also got them taking off the bandage to my JP and then putting on those little steri strips (I think that is what they are called), but they basically hold you together and allows for the tummy to heal further.

I will never forget having those staples removed just the day before my wedding and then having those little steri strips that seemed to always get caught on my dress. (I had to go potty a lot because of the surgery on my bowels). My honey still wanted to marry me no matter what and he and I are still happy newly weds! Steri strips and all!)

Anyway my husband showed up this morning to pick me up around 10:15ish or so and was so incredibly accommodating to me. It's just those tiny little things that he does for me that I could never ever take for granted. In fact anytime anyone does something nice for me; I can't bring myself to always just expect that of them; instead I just appreciate it. It's just wonderful and just another thing in life to be incredibly thankful for. I just can't believe that incredible gift I have in such a wonderful husband. He packed up mgsy thin very nicely; just like a soldier would; all of my belongings were very organized; he even made a few quick trips to the truck so that we wouldn't have so much to carry back, he went to pharmacy and picks up my drugs, and then he even walked up to the 4th floor and took the DVD that I had borrowed from Anne back up to her. What an awesome, awesome man to be married too! I'm so thankful for everyday that I get to spend with him!)

Well, when my honey went upstairs to see Anne, she decided right then to come downstairs immediately in her wheelchair so that she could say good bye to me. The sweet nurse Terry helped wheel her downstairs and I got to hug both of them. It was so good to see her and I will be leaving my Skype on just in case she wishes to call me. It's great to make such an excellent connection while in the hospital like that. I have had hospital roommates before that were no where near that nice; well I take that back I did have one that was awesome; a breast cancer survivor. She was so sweet to me and treated me as if I were her daughter.

Riding home was easy enough as my energy level started to increase. I was so excited to be outside and riding in a car. I couldn't believe that I was outside at all; it was so nice. Today the temperatures were in the triple digits today and I stayed inside mostly. I finally went outside after 5pm when it just started to cool down just a little bit to hang out with some neighbors as Blue Belle played with her best friend Tess. Of all things I forgot my camera. They were playing so cute together and I got to hang out for just a little while with four of my neighbors. They all have missed me because I have been in the hospital for quite a while (over 3 weeks). Amanda even came outside with her mother. It was so good to see everyone. We finally went back inside as I started to feel some pains; I came inside and rested and then felt more energy once again. I didn't have much painkillers today only 2 applications of the liquid morphine (morning and night) and this medication is approved for every 2 hours.

Later on I got a surprise and 3 co-workers came by to visit me. I was so happy to see them and I had missed all of them like crazy over the months. In fact I was actually kind of looking forward to going back to work and seeing everyone again. Time just passes by no matter what anyway. I hope to have enough energy to go visit everyone at work soon.

I think today was good day to be released from the hospital; I definitely feel more ready despite having had chemo last night. I'm not in as much pain and I feel good overall. Can't get the smile off my face (I have so much to smile about today).

My chemo doctor called and talked with my husband about adding Carbo or Cisplatinum to my regimine and I'm down with it. My husband isn't so much but I want a fighting chance to kill this horrid shitty cancer! I promise to keep you all updated on our decisions on that. I feel very strongly that I can handle those severe side effects because I do have the best ever anti-nausea medicine and I don't have to worry about being arrested for using it. I don't have to say another word about it; I feel confident that I can handle the chemo ahead of me despite this 6th major surgery. It wasn't so bad (hopefully tomorrow I won't be writing that yes, it was bad after all!) Just kidding! I hope I'm not jinxing myself by saying that; but yes I am ready as ever to battle cancer!

One of my visitors has a severe phobia of all large dogs and Blue Belle does kind of fit into that category (she's a large Sheltie); she might even have those intimidating teeth and all. She was so convinced that she was going to get my friend over her fear of dogs and I think she did it. It was really cool to see. I think she could sense her fear and just felt "why would anyone be afraid of Miss Blue Belle"? I kept trying to tell her to leave my friend alone but she just kept on smiling at her and walking by her and smiling some more; she just wanted her to reach over and pet her and to tell her that she wasn't afraid of her. I have seen many get scared on the streets as I have walked by with Blue Belle but more often than none; most people are more willing to want to pet my beautiful Blue Belle. This was just another example of why I would love to push her into therapy for people with PTSD or wounded soldiers. She has that confidence that she can heal anyone. It's very cool to see.

My friend Anne called me via Skype just when my visitors were about to leave and of course Tonto had just been fed so he was over at my next door neighbor's getting his second dinner. Well he came back later on & so here we are! Tonto sends his Love to you Anne and I hope you are able to come home soon!

I'm so happy to finally be at home and my pain level to be under control. It was scary last week and am so happy that I survived it all. Thank you all for all of your prayers, positive thoughts, good vibes, and most of all Kharma! Peace and love to all you!

Gastric Bypass Surgery Update....

I will start with my day yesterday of waiting and waiting and waiting. I did get to go outside at around 2pm and sit outside and relax in the sunshine in a very beautiful Rosemary garden. I have to admit I was terrified of this surgery and honestly afraid that I might not be so lucky and not wake up. That's such a terrible thing to think but I just couldn't help it. I think it helped me to just sit outside in that garden and cry my eyes out. You can kind of tell I'm crying in this photo or see tears on my cheeks. It's kind of weird how photos of me outside, makes me appear that I don't have any eyebrows? I'm wearing absolutely no makeup but yet I look as if I am wearing heavy makeup? That just shows how unphotogenic I can be at times. I wanted to capture the reality here of just how frightened I was and I feel that I did just that.

As I was walking back inside from this little garden; I came upon a meditation room which I stopped inside and found a very nice woman named Terry. We talked and it really relaxed me just a little bit more for this surgery and I was just starting to ease my fears. The room was dimly lit and it was very relaxing. I told her my whole story which usually doesn't take too long and of course my fear and anxieties of what I would be facing in a few short hours. What a sweet lady to make me feel so brave. When I was done, I continued on to my room and lied down in my bed. My husband arrived shortly after and we got to take a nice little nap together from 2:30 - 4:30pm.

We were told that someone would be sure come and get us between 2:30pm to 3:30pm. I kept getting more and more abdominal pain and had to have my TPN changed once again. I thought they had turned it off and wasn't using it and actually got behind in administering my pain medications. My honey slept through it all and finally at around 4:45pm, someone came to get me and take me to my surgery and I got to go in my bed. How relaxing is that? I got to take my teddybear that my honey got me too! We went into the presurgical waiting room and I was in room number 6; for my surgery number 6. Wow! We must have waited for nearly an hour before it was time for me to get wheeled in for surgery. Oh God I was scared!

I kissed my honey good bye and then went on into the surgery room. I was moved onto the surgery table and told to take off my pants and panties which I was pretty bummed about but I guess needed to get that catheter inserted for peeing. I sat there and then all of a sudden the oxigen mask was put on me and wham I was out like a light.

I awoke in the worst pain ever at around 10:30pm. I was so happy that I survived when I woke up, but dam was in serious, serious, serious pain.. I literally felt as if I had been hit by a bus and dragged for about 10 miles. My pain level felt like it was a 20 on a pain scale of 1-10. OMG it was bad.

It seemed that I had to sit in POST OP for ever and the male nurses were ever so annoyed with me. I was such a stupid bitch to them I'm sure as they tried to get me to shut the hell up on the pain. Stop being such a wimp was the vibe I kept getting from them and they had to keep on telling me; "You have to breath, breath", they couldn't do anything at all for my pain and they kept yelling at me to keep pushing my button on my TPN which wasn't doing a damn thing as far as I was concerned.

God I'm such a fake on the pain and I was just shocked they would treat me that way. They always seem to be that way in Post Op. Not sure why; maybe they have no idea what it's like to get gutted like fish. I was crying and hurting like hell and totally miserable. I could barely breath for the pain; it was so incredibly painful. I wanted to be knocked out more than anything so that I didn't have to feel that pain. Oh GOD it was the worst! I could barely talk and of course having an NG tube, catheter, and that blood JP thingy. It was all back to me from last time.

Here we go again! Another healing adventure for me. The pain has finally subsided some but it still hurts like hell. I still feel like a gutted fish but it's not as bad as before. I couldn't move at all and could barely talk. I called me mother and father at around 2am - 2:30am of which it was 5am for my mom and 4am for my dad. They were just happy as hell to hear from me. I don't think I sounded so good but I was crying and happy as hell to hear their voices. Just wanted to let them know that I survived the surgery.

Around 6am this morning 3 of the doctors on the team had come in to tell me that the surgery was a success and that they were able to do what they had planned to do. On another note, my husband just told me that he had spoken with my oncologist and that a fair amount of the cancer had returned and he would like to slam me with some of the heavy duty chemo and /or radiation. This discourages and scares the living hell out of me. I'm scared shitless but I definitely am not ready to give up but this is the last time that my doctor wishes to work on me. It almost seems like I have a limited amount of time left and I pray this is not the case. Maybe all of this chemo will be the answer for me and we can find a cure. What ever it may be; I will be sure to enjoy every day as a gift and that is something we all should do.

What touched my heart just a few days ago while talking on Facebook with my sister in law was this video that reminded her very much of my husband and I as we battle our monster today. I feel we also dance very beautiful together. This is a representation of breast cancer. Perhaps my husband and I can one day do one for Ovarian Cancer!)

Still Can't believe I am at home!

It's been so incredibly wonderful to start my healing journey at home. I have slept soundly in my own bed for 2 nights in a row. It has also been hard for my honey to not hug all over me as we slept next to each other because I have to be super duper careful with these extra tubes hanging on my body. I did feel his arm go around me once last night and I squealed and he immediately stopped and put his arm back where it was. I'm so proud of my honey, he has done wonderful except farting in the bed. We both have and have laughed which I still have to watch. My poor honey can't make me laugh too much now; isn't that a bitch? I live to laugh with my honey!)

Anyway back to those dangers of my insides which even feel as if they could also be easily be pulled on and my tummy pulled apart with a laugh or even a cough. I have to sleep on my back which is next to impossible for me; but in my very own bed with the man I love; much easier and possible. I mostly do love to sleep on my tummy but it's not comfortable at all these days.

Those stupid tubes still pull and pinch when they have the opportunity to do so and I so hate it. Can't wait to get them removed next Wednesday, April 8th at 3:30pm. What a day that will be and the following day too once they are out and I get to move around much better.

I have specific instructions on cleaning my dressing where my tubes are and showering. I also have to empty out the grenade from JP which I will do sometime tomorrow evening. There just isn't enough in there to even empty and this is very good news. This mean that the infections in my tummy may now be gone since nothing is coming out. I will try to empty tomorrow night or the night after but it's not enough to empty tonight which I had planned. It's been since Tuesday night when I first emptied it and changed the dressing with the help of my honey.

My honey helped me shower by standing just outside the shower holding onto my JP while I am in the shower so that I can wash my hair and body. His arms stays solid in the shower with me holding my JP as I comfortably wash my hair and body. He even turns the water on for me since I can't reach for anything because of my right arm being so sore from the pick line. I can't really lift this arm high or reach for anything just yet; still healing there too.

I suppose the pain in my arm may be lasting. That's because the pickline went from the main artery in my upper arm to the main artery to my heart in order to feed me and deliver medicine and pains meds to me while I was in the hospital. What a trippy thing that is. The wire or so it looks like bends over at a strange angle into my arm and when it is pulled out it is long! That dressing needed to be changed once a week and now I don't even have a bandade on it!) I would have photographed it but I already feeel that I have left plenty for your imagination and that was just another weird thing to deal with. My honey got to watch them insert that thing in my arm as they used an ultra sound machine to help guide it into the main vein going into my heart. I was pretty drugged up when that happened which was also a good thing.

I weighed myself today just to see how much more weight I may need to gain or have gain; only to my disappointment only 118lbs today. I'm 5-6 and look much better when I weigh in at at least 135 - 140. I like having curves and it's much healthier for me to do so. Must have meat on my bones!)

I started off with a huge high calorie shake, then an Ensure, and then the diahreah started. My stomach just kind of gurgled and the pipes sounded so very similiar to the ones in the movie I watched last night (Night in Rodanthm). Yes, I watched a girlie movie last night and it was good, 3 and half stars from me. I won't ruin it for anyone but the hotel in the movie is amazing and dreamy. How awesome to stay in a hotel with my honey there!) Beautiful inn on a beach on the Atlantic Ocean in NC. Very relaxing movie to watch and a tear jerker which I wasn't at all expecting.

OK, I already know it (need more food with substance) but in all honesty, I haven't been to the store in 2 and half weeks so lots of food had to be thrown out. I need protein more than anything right now and my doctor stressed this and I am listening. I just don't have any more substance.

My poor bottom has burned most of the day from all of the diarrhea I have had but thanks to having 3 sitz baths which most certainly helped. I just don't have any real food with substance right now (no time for shopping). Grocery shopping for me tomorrow; I just have to create a list tomorrow and my honey will go for me. What would I like to eat?

I still have to avoid all sickness (which is why my honey doesn't want me in public places just yet) and it wouldn't do me a lick of good to get a cold and start coughing my insides out, rip a stitch or ten: all I have currently are these little pieces of tape holding me together and the scar tissue which has since formed since the staples were removed.

Once these tubes are out of me; I can tell I will much more freedom because I can tell that my wound is now healing nicely. No redness except where the stupid JP needs to be removed. It still burns where the incision site remains and my tummy hurts as if I just did 5000 sit-ups. I get to be lazy today and try to heal and can even be lazy in the days to come!) It's my time to be taken care of. We all get this in our lifetimes and then we get to take care of someone else we love; that's how it works.